INTRODUCTION
I am a victim of spiritual abuse. And, chances are, if you have been a member of a church or religious organization for any length of time, you are too. Spiritual abuse surfaces in an assortment of forms: sometimes in-your-face flagrant; other times behind-your-back subtle. It emerges from the relatively benign to the lethally toxic, but usually it stems from a misuse of ecclesiastical authority by religious leaders toward members within a group or church of perceived lesser status. Regardless of the degree of abuse, it is always harmful.
This type of religious exploitation is most easily identified when accompanied by overt manipulation or coercion. However, it may arise in a less obvious, but no less harmful, fashion when employed by likeable, even lovable, and charismatic individuals. Parents may spiritually abuse children, husbands and wives may abuse each other, pastors abuse members, deacons abuse ministers, televangelists abuse supporters, all done in an attempt to advance their own self-interests over others in a religious context.
A. GUILTY!
I don’t know about you, but I am increasingly alarmed at how pervasive the problem is and how often it is accompanied by egregious forms of legalism, the kind that shackles its victims with oppressively strict standards of performance. This kind of spiritual control, in the hands of an abuser, is often lethal.
At this point, I need to make a confession. I have been an abuser. That is a very difficult admission to make, but it is true, even though I rush to plead ignorance. For many years I was deceived into believing it was my right, as a minister of the gospel to control others. The fact remains that, unwittingly or not, for nearly two decades of pastoral ministry, I pressured, manipulated, persuaded, cajoled, and threatened (always with creatively-wrenched scriptures and "pure" motives) the members of churches I "served," in Herculean efforts to get my way or to impose my will over my subordinate flock. I am ashamed to admit it, but it is true, nevertheless.
B. SOME CASE STUDIES
I am also increasingly concerned at how frequently I meet de-churched Christians, those that have simply dropped-out of church. I have discovered that, contrary to my teaching, there is really such a thing as "unchurched Christians." That phrase is not an oxymoron. There really are spiritually battered Christians who do not go to church and who have no intention of doing so. They are usually former church members who readily cite long lists of grievances. Here are four case studies:
1. Theresa and Bob, both active church members, left their church because they felt too much pressure was put on them to contribute to yet another "unneeded" building project. Receiving offerings, they claimed, consumed too much of both the Sunday worship service and their limited income. Already financially taxed beyond their budget, the strain was becoming oppressive. They questioned the wisdom of launching yet another expansion program and were bluntly informed by their pastor that the building project was, in fact, "ordained by God." The couple was sternly warned that their criticism was "subversive" and to "stop causing trouble." This reprimand was followed by a series of Sunday sermons underscoring members’ spiritual duty of submission to their leaders’ authority. Theresa and Bob left the church more than a year ago and have yet to join another church. Theresa claims that she now feels "closer to the Lord" since leaving the church than she did while there and that she no longer suffers from chronic depression.
2. George was working 48 hours a week on his job and volunteering another 25 at the church. A talented musician, he was recruited by the church orchestra. He was also asked to join the baseball team, the parish committee and the board. In time, his marriage suffered and eventually his wife left. Too late, George tried to free up his day-planner by resigning from some of the church positions he held but was informed by the pastor that he was "needed." He was assured that if he put the "kingdom" first, God would restore his home. Frustrated and fatigued, George eventually dropped out of church altogether. Too late! His mortally wounded marriage died. Today, George is a bitter man and vows never to return to church.
3. Mark, an active church member of a thriving Charismatic church and a bright medical intern, was required to work long hours through the week, including many Sundays. This professional constraint interfered with his volunteer duties at the church. The pastor, expressing concern for Mark’s "spiritual development," brazenly suggested he seek a career change. Mark explained that medicine was his lifelong chosen career and that his internship was temporary. Anyhow, he added, wasn’t his particular career a ministry in itself? The pastor remained uncompromising in his demands and there was no further discussion. Thinking the disagreement was resolved, Mark was humiliated the following Sunday by a public "prophetic word" from a staff member. Of course, the associate affirmed the pastor’s mandate, even predicting dreadful consequences if the "prophecy" was not obeyed. Mark prayed but remained solid in his decision. Within weeks, the young intern was summarily discharged from his duties in the church and his membership placed on "inactive" status. Hurt and angered, Mark left the church. Today, he is a successful M.D. with a flourishing practice, but he has not returned to church.
4. Robert and Glenda, alarmed that their church was becoming preoccupied with a "right-wing political agenda," approached their pastor with their concerns. The meeting went badly. Threatened by their perceived insubordination, the pastor accused them of being "unsubmissive to spiritual authority," and warned them of falling prey to a defiant "spirit of Korah." During the following weeks, the couple suspected that they were being ostracized by the leadership of the church and they were inexplicably removed from the church mailing list and prayer chain. They eventually took the hint, stopped attending church and joined the swelling ranks of de-churched Christians.
I. THE ROOTS OF SPIRITUAL ABUSE
A. Why do Christians abuse one another in the name of the Lord? I am persuaded that most religious exploitation stems from well-meaning, though certainly misguided, church leaders. Regardless of the purity of their motives, spiritual domination and repression is still injurious. Sometimes permanently. Furthermore, I am convinced that such a style of leadership is a malevolent offspring of a generally accepted misconception of the nature of biblical leadership. Leaders in the church, according to the New Testament, especially as taught and exemplified by Christ, are instructed to lead from a lowly posture of servitude and love; not from some lofty pedestal of entitlement, usurped authority and privilege (e.g., Mat.20.20-28; Mat.23.1ff; Mark 10.42-45; Luke 22.24-27; John 13.14-17; 2 Cor. 4.5; 1 Pet. 5.3).
1.. The modern church, unlike the apostolic church we find in the New Testament, seems to insist on venerating its leaders -- or perhaps, more accurately, leaders venerate themselves -- to exalted offices. Ministers, assuming elitist roles, regularly corrupt terms like "the anointing," "the calling" and "authority" to infer that their bureaucratic offices and spiritual giftings are exclusive biblical endowments and that they, because of some special empowerment, are somehow exceptional. In efforts to underscore this clerical distinction, ministers have, over the centuries, adopted visible symbolic accouterments to set themselves apart and further demarcate their status. These may include vestments, collars, stoles, chasubles, mitres, surplices, and even, in modern times, designer Armani suits, Versace neckties and Mezlan loafers. To further reinforce their assumed privileged status and assumed license, clerics, despite Christ’s clear instruction to the contrary (see Matt.23.1-11), commonly employ exaggerated, self-inflated, hierarchal titles as "Reverend," "Bishop," "Sr.Pastor," "Doctor," "Elder," "Prophet," even "Apostle" or, comically, "First Lady." While there is probably nothing wrong with using such terms to identify one’s function or ministry, using them as titles of special rank does, nonetheless, seem clearly prohibited.
2. . Jesus said (rather plainly, I think), "Don’t ever let anyone call you ’Rabbi,’ for you have only one teacher, and all of you are on the same level as brothers and sisters. And don’t address anyone here on earth as ’Father,’ for only God in heaven is your spiritual Father. And don’t let anyone call you ’Master,’ for there is only one master, the Messiah. The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."
I don’t know about you, but that seems crystal-clear to me.
Another even more disturbing common denominator identifying spiritually abusive churches and leaders is their paranoid penchant for concealment. They often hide executive decisions and operations behind masks of secrecy. Financial records and administrative decisions are often hidden from the prying eyes and questioning minds of lesser church members or outsiders. When, however, that proves impossible, the more ambiguous or questionable items in the church budget, such as salaries and ministerial expenses, are covertly grouped or adulterated to hide factual information from general scrutiny. Clear future plans for the group are seldom revealed to the congregation except in their most palatable and agreeable parts. Loyalty to the leaders and conformity to the rules of the organization are repeatedly stressed and all decisions regarding expenditures and policy are left to the wisdom and discretion of the "anointed" few. Clear lines of authority, complete with flow charts, are drawn and reinforced, usually by the person at the top of the list.
B. More serious still is the flagrant, if not fraudulent, and frequent misuse of scripture employed by authoritarian religious leaders to support their claim to preeminence and privilege. This, despite the New Testament’s clear instruction that those who lead are, first and foremost servants. "We don’t go around preaching about ourselves; we preach Christ Jesus, the Lord. All we say about ourselves is that we are your servants because of what Jesus has done for us." (2 Cor.4.5). When selfless service is usurped by a compelling ambition for narcissistic control, abusive leadership naturally results. Misusing scripture for one’s own selfish ends invariably cultivates a malignant climate of legalistic control and, sadly, fosters unnecessary, and sometimes destructive, guilt among members who fail to attribute proper "honor" to their leader. They "twist" (2 Pet.3.16) the scriptures to fit their preconceptions (misconceptions) of leadership or, like Diotrephes of old (3 John 1.9), their lust for "preeminence" has earned them the censure of scripture.
Brennan Manning delivers a staggering knockout blow to the 21st Century Church when he writes, “No great sinners exist than those so-called Christians who disfigure the face of God, mutilate the gospel of grace, and intimidate others through fear. They corrupt the essential nature of Christianity.” (The Ragamuffin Gospel,” pg. 203) Ouch!
II. PROFILING SPIRITUAL ABUSERS
A. Here is a profile contrasting true and false leadership from my files that may help you to better recognize spiritual abuse:
• Abusers drive; leaders lead (John 10:11-15).
• Abusers say, "I"; true leaders say, "We" (1 Cor. 3:5-9).
• Abusers insist on being served; true leaders serve (Matt.23.11).
• Abusers govern by guilt and fear; true leaders create trust (1 Thess. 2:10-11).
• Abusers control by guilt and manipulation; true leaders influence by example (Phil. 3.17).
• Abusers think themselves better than others; true leaders esteem others better than themselves (Phil. 2.3).
• Abusers rely on the power of authority; true leaders rely on the power of servanthood (Matt.20.25).
• Abusers make service and ministry a grind; true leaders make work worthwhile (Nehemiah).
• Abusers serve themselves and their goals; true leaders serve others (1 Cor. 9:19).
• Abusers wield authority; true leaders empower people (2 Tim. 2:2).
• Abusers fix blame; true leaders fix mistakes (Phm. 18-19).
• Abusers know how; true leaders show how (Ex. 18:17).
B. From his examination of Matthew 23, Ken Blue, in his timely book, Healing Spiritual Abuse, outlines the following "symptoms of abusive religion":
• Abusive leaders base their spiritual authority on their position of office rather than on their service to the group. Their style of leadership is authoritarian.
• Leaders in abusive churches often say one thing but do another. Their worth and deeds do not match.
• They manipulate people by making them feel guilty for not measuring up spiritually. They lay heavy religious loads on people and make no effort to lift those loads. You know you are in an abusive church if the loads just keep getting heavier.
• Abusive leaders are preoccupied with looking good. They labor to keep up appearance. They stifle any criticism that puts them in a bad light.
• They seek honorific titles and special privileges that elevate them above the group. They promote a class system with themselves at the top.
• Their communication is not straight. Their speech becomes especially vague and confusing when they are defending themselves.
• They major on minor issues to the neglect of the truly important ones. They are conscientious about religious details but neglect God’s larger agendas.
III. INTERESTING PARALLELS
It is interesting, if not shocking, to discover that abusive religious leaders share a host of traits common to domestic batterers. According to studies offered by such organizations as the Project for Victims of Family Abuse and the Crisis Support Network, among others, domestic abusers are characterized by:
__Controlling and manipulative behavior in relationships;
__Insistence on a "pecking order" with them at the top;
__Demand for rigid rules fortifying their authority;
__Using shame and guilt to buffer control;
__Use privilege and entitlement to maintain status;
__Require unrealistic expectations of you and others;
__Push for hasty decisions and immediate responses;
__Refuse to negotiate or compromise decisions;
__Intolerant of differing views;
__Hypersensitive to criticism;
__Exhibit insatiable ego needs;
__Demonstrate childlike narcissism;
__Unreasonable possessiveness;
__Isolate you from other people, groups and ideas;
__Verbally and psychologically degrade subordinates;
__Blame others for problems;
__Deny personal responsibility for problems;
__Use of coercion and intimidation to gain the advantage.
Draw your own conclusions. An abuser is an abuser, in your home or in your church.
IV. SO, WHAT’S A VICTIM TO DO?
A. At this point you may agree that you are in an abusive religious situation. What are you to do? Apart from serious emotional counseling, you will most likely face only two options:
1. First, Stay and Pray. This may be the most difficult option, especially if you have strong ties to a church or group. To remain in a climate of religious control is spiritually repressive, even toxic, to your spiritual health and the well-being of your family. But if you feel God (and not guilt) requires you to stay, Stay and Pray. Situations can change in answer to prayer. But you need to know that in spiritually abusive groups you should expect change to come at a snail’s pace. Abusive leaders will vigorously resist any change that threatens their ennobled office, especially if they, through training and upbringing, feel their position is scriptural.
But if you decide to stay, do not Stay to Flay the church, its leader or members. It is best to leave the matter in God’s hands altogether or to leave the church altogether. To stay in a contentious situation to fight usually proves to be counterproductive, especially in an unhealthy environment of control, and does little good. If you have asked God to change the situation, allow Him to do so . . . without your help! Complaining and criticizing may give you a false sense of management over the crisis -- at least you are doing something, right? -- but it is a feeble and usually ineffectual way of striking back at your problem. Especially in abusively controlling relationships.
I also recommend, in these instances, that you seek wise counsel from an objective (and I stress the word objective), biblically knowledgeable and spiritually grounded pastor, friend or professional counselor. It is best to find someone outside your group or denomination. Openly and honestly share the problem from your perspective and listen -- and be prepared to follow -- their advice.
2. Second, Leave but Cleave. Leaving a church or organization is a difficult decision to make, especially when you have strong bonds to, and friendships within, the group. Your friends will, of course, resist your decision to leave their fellowship. Others may brand you as a troublemaker (or worse) and accuse you of abandoning them. But, you need to know that the Bible supports, and even encourages, your decision to flee from spiritually abusive and oppressive situations (e.g., Rom.16.17-18; Col.2.4, 8; 2 Tim.2.14-16; 3 John 3 9-11). Jesus made it very clear to His generation that they were not to trust nor submit to the oppressive control of the Pharisees.
However, if you leave, Cleave to your faith in Jesus Christ. Avoid the temptation to become a casualty by dropping-out. Before leaving a spiritually malignant group, seek and follow the advice of a godly Christian leader who can advise you impartially. Simply running away from a problem is no solution, especially if you have no direction in which to flee. Locate a fellowship that is based on true scriptural servant-leadership and mutual respect and love for one another, whose priorities and leadership follow the model of Jesus Christ, and whose teachings are sound.
