How to Have a Good Fight
Whenever you have relationships -- really any kind of relationship -- you’re going to have conflict. Most marriages are marked by periodic skirmishes -- and occasionally by an all out war. Marital warfare may take place in the trenches of hostility or moodiness. Some battles are surprise assaults. Others are cold wars of stoic silence.
Sometimes, this warfare takes place years down the road -- and other times it can happen on the wedding night. I recently read about a true story that happened in Waukesha, Wisconsin -- about 25 miles from where I grew up.
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Snyder had a beautiful June wedding. The problems started when the wedding was over while they were trying to decide where they should go to celebrate. They couldn’t agree and, seeing as how they had been drinking since early afternoon, the bride got mad and “gashed her husband’s head open with her wedding ring.” The police were eventually called because someone in the bar thought the groom had been stabbed. When the bride met the police, she was a little belligerent and was arrested for disorderly conduct. They later found the groom wandering along a nearby street in search of a hospital. The police took him to see his wife at the jail. Shortly after being released, the lovebirds began arguing again and he hit her in the face. He was arrested this time for domestic battery and, since she started kicking the police officers for interrupting their honeymoon, she was arrested a second time for disorderly conduct. They spent their wedding night in separate cells and were released the next morning.
Most of us enter marriage with undeveloped conflict resolution skills. We don’t really know how to have a good fight. That reminds me of a husband who said, that after 50 years of marriage, he and his wife have had only one fight. When asked what his secret was he said, “The fight started on our honeymoon and I’m still waiting for it to end!”
Time Magazine reports that money is the #1 reason for fights in marriage. Couples also fight about goals, vacations, kids, work, house, leisure time, cars, in-laws, drinking, health issues, church, and even pets.
This morning I want to give you 4 conflict resolution skills -- 4 ground rules that should keep you from landing in jail.
Be Honest
The first skill is to be honest. This is found in Ephesians 4:25: “Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”
The word “put off” means to discard, to strip off, to cast away. God is telling us to get rid of any falsehood and to start practicing some truth telling. This verse really speaks about relationships in the church between believers. Christians are to be truth tellers, not people who lie to one another. If you are serious about being a Christ-follower, then you must be honest.
In the book, “The Day America Told the Truth,” by James Patterson, the author reports the following survey results:
91% of Americans lie routinely about matters they consider trivial
1 out of 3 lie about important matters
86% lie on a regular basis to their parents
75% lie to their friends
7 out of 10 married people lie to their spouses
It’s not easy to tell the truth -- especially when it might hurt someone. But, if we value good relationships, and take seriously what God says, it’s essential to develop this first skill in conflict resolution. You really can’t build a relationship if truth and honesty are not valued. What this means is that you will choose to do not what’s easy, but what’s right -- to be honest, to speak the truth -- even if it means going through a tunnel of chaos.
Several years ago, Beth and I decided to get a dog. This wasn’t an easy decision. Beth took a lot of time to research the various types of canines-- everything from beagles to terriers. She called people in Iowa and Minnesota. We asked other dog owners for their recommendations. She had narrowed it down to a dog that wasn’t too big, didn’t shed much, and wasn’t too hyper. I was glad she had done all the work.
One day I came home from work and looked in the paper to see what kinds of dogs were available. When I saw that there were some Golden Retrievers for sale, I announced to Beth that that’s the kind of dog we were going to get. Despite her research I wanted a retriever. I told her this was something we needed to do -- we couldn’t waste any more time just thinking about it. We got up early the next morning and drove about 20 miles south and picked up a beautiful little puppy. The girls were thrilled and I was pretty proud of myself for making such a good choice.
Shortly after we got the dog, Beth sat me down and said, “Brian, I feel like you controlled this situation. I’m very angry that you just went ahead and decided this without valuing my input.”
Ouch. She was right. I had really messed up -- and this wasn’t the first time I had done something like this.
This experience illustrates the first skill in having a good fight -- Be honest. Beth took the time to shoot straight with me, even though it wasn’t easy for her. I had really hurt her by not listening. I demeaned her by my insensitivity. And she was straight to the point. She let me know exactly what she was feeling -- and I’m glad she did -- I think!
Let me ask you a question. Are you a truth-teller or a peace-keeper? Given a choice, most of us would like to just keep the peace -- except maybe for those of us who have been married for a few years!
We think that if we’re honest with people, they’ll push us away. We’d rather not tell our boss what we’re really thinking because he or she would just get angry. We’d rather not tell our spouse something because he or she will just get defensive. We’d rather not tell our teacher or parents the truth because they just wouldn’t understand.
Friends, when you submerge your true feelings in order to preserve harmony, you will undermine the integrity of your relationships. You might think you’re keeping the peace, but actually those feelings will go underground and eventually erupt. And, for those of you who are married, you will never have a marriage of oneness if you and your spouse don’t value authenticity.
Be Angry
The second skill to learn is to be angry. This is actually a command that doesn’t sound quite right, does it? Some of you are thinking that you and Bobby Knight have this one licked. You have no trouble being angry. Hold on -- I want you to notice a few things from the first part of verse 26: “In your anger do not sin…”
It might be surprising for to you to know that God says anger is OK -- after all, it’s an emotion that He created. When you’re angry, don’t deny it. I’m often guilty of this. When Beth asks me if I’m angry about something, it’s so tempting to say, “No, I’m not angry. I’m just frustrated.” I’m learning to tell the truth by letting my anger out. When I’m angry I try to communicate it -- whether it’s to Beth or in the context of my relationships with other people.
You see, I used to be a bottler. I’d just bury it. If I was angry I would just stuff it. To bottle anger is similar to trying to bury toxic waste. It will eventually leak out, poisoning entire communities of people. Bottled anger always leaks. Anger turned inward seeps out internally and can lead to depression.
Others of you are spewers. When you’re angry, you just let it fly. You say whatever comes to your mind. You’re like a volcano that blows its top, spreading hot lava everywhere.
The best way to handle anger is not to be a bottler or a spewer, but to be an expresser. Expressers have learned the second skill of having a good fight. When they’re angry, they express it -- appropriately. Friends, there is good anger and there’s a type of anger that leads to sin. God wants us to be expressers. If you’re a bottler or a spewer, it’s real easy to sin in your anger.
How do you express anger appropriately? God gives us the answer in the second half of verse 26: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” What the Bible is teaching here is that you need to deal with anger in a timely fashion. Don’t let it simmer or fester. If anger is not expressed appropriately, it will wipe out relationships like a raging tidal wave.
There’s a lot of wisdom in what God says here. If you are angry, you are responsible to take care of that anger before the day is through. I like what Phyllis Diller once said: “Why go to bed mad when you can stay up and fight!”
This is probably the number #1 skill that has helped Beth and I in our marriage. For us it goes all the way back to the night before our wedding. The pastor who was going to marry us told us that he wanted to meet with us that night. We walked down by a river where he stopped, took out his Bible and turned to the book of Ephesians. I thought he was going to challenge me to “love Beth as much as Christ loves the church.” I was a little confused when he started reading in the fourth chapter of Ephesians. I thought he was off a chapter -- in fact, I almost told him that the marriage stuff is in chapter 5, not chapter 4.
But then he read Ephesians 4:26-27: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” He then challenged us to make a vow -- a commitment to not ever go to bed angry. He explained that the devil will take advantage of this if we don’t resolve our anger before we go to sleep each night. Both Beth and I eagerly assured him that we were ready to make this commitment.
This vow has been tested many times. But, by God’s grace and with his enablement, we’ve worked at not going to bed angry. Sure, we’ve had some pretty late nights talking, but it’s been worth it! That doesn’t mean that we solve all of our problems or even resolve the issues behind the anger that night -- many of those issues take a lot longer. What it does mean is that we try to go to sleep without harboring any anger.
Some of you have been giving the devil a foothold in your marriage by not dealing with your anger before you go to sleep. You’re like the husband who said, “My wife is not talking to me today and I’m in no mood to interrupt her.” If you carry anger over, you will give the devil an opportunity to do some bad stuff and bitterness will rise up like bile in your life. Someone has said that bitterness is a poison that you drink thinking you will kill your enemy.
Some of you married couples spend more nights on the couch and in a cold war the next day than you do sleeping together. This principle has application to all relationships. If you’re angry with someone, you need to take the necessary steps to deal with your anger before the day is through. Relationships are hard enough on their own - they take a lot of work. Don’t give the devil an opportunity to drive a wedge between you. If you determine to resolve your anger before you go to sleep, you’ll take away one of his most strategic weapons.
Be Kind
The first conflict resolution skill is to be honest. The second is to be angry. The third skill is to be kind. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” The first part of verse 32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another...”
Some of you have no trouble being kind in your relationships. You really try to think of the other person first by determining to meet their needs on a regular basis. You watch your tongue and focus on saying kind things to your mate. You really want your spouse to feel secure and significant. Keep it up!
Others of you are pretty tough on your spouse -- you don’t really cut him or her any slack. Instead of looking to compliment, encourage and build up, you find yourself criticizing and cutting down. I’m convinced that the quickest way to bury your marriage is by using a lot of little digs.
In a 20-year study of 2,000 married couples, researchers have uncovered one important predictive factor in determining which couples will stay married for the long haul. If you want to have a Marathon Marriage then you need to work at maintaining a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative comments. Positive interactions like complimenting, smiling, and touching must outnumber negative comments like sarcasm or put-downs by a ratio of 5-to-1. (U.S. News and World Report, 2/21/94)
Let me give you two practical ways to practice this third skill:
1. Don’t use words like always or never. “You never take out the garbage” or “You always forget to pick up the kids” probably are not true statements -- and they certainly aren’t kind.
2. It helps to remember that God has made you different from your spouse -- or for that matter, different from all of your friends. It helps Beth and I to say something like this, Not wrong, just different -- sometimes we even say this out loud! When your spouse is doing something that you think is wrong, take the time to think about it. Chances are that it’s not really a moral issue (a matter of right or wrong); it may just be a different way of doing something.
Be Forgiving
If you want to have a marriage that lasts for the long haul, or if you want to have better relationships with the people in your life, you need to know how to have a good fight. You can do that by being honest, by being angry, and by being kind. The fourth skill to learn is to be forgiving. We see this in the last half of 4:32: “Forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
If you want to have a good fight, you need to remember that the goal is not to see who wins -- but to be reconciled. And, in order to put down your weapons, it’s important to learn the skill of forgiving and forgetting.
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant goes over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. The crocodile turns to the elephant and says, “What did you do that for?” The elephant answers, “That turtle bit me almost 50 years ago.” The crocodile can hardly believe it and says, “And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure have a good memory.”
“Yep,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.”
In any relationship, there will be conflict. Sometimes it’s handled well, other times it isn’t. If you don’t develop the ability to forgive, you will not have a very good marriage, and you won’t experience growing friendships with others.
This passage ends with the phrase, “Just as in Christ God forgave you.” The best way to learn this skill is to experience first-hand the forgiveness that comes from confessing your moral shortcomings and sins to God. Once you taste the freedom that comes from having your sins forgiven, it will be easier for you to extend that same type of forgiveness to your spouse, your friends, your family members, and your co-workers.
To say it another way, you will be unable to forgive as God wants you to until you’ve experienced the kind of forgiveness that comes only as a result of God’s forgiving work in your own life.
Action Steps
I want to give you two action steps this morning.
1. Since money is the #1 reason that married couples fight, I want to challenge you to get some help in this area. You need to talk about it. Don’t bottle it up or just spew it out. Learn to be an expresser by talking about your finances.
Maybe you need to take the first step of just recording your expenses. Or maybe you need to set up a budget. Maybe you need some help getting out of debt. Some of you have not yet experienced the freedom that comes from surrendering your finances to God by giving at least 10% of your income to support kingdom work.
2. Make a vow to not let anger fester. Deal with it before you go to sleep each night. Now that doesn’t mean you have to solve the problem that led to anger -- what it does mean is that you need to deal with the anger itself.
Because I think it’s so important, I’m going to ask you to stand now and have you pray silently with me. If you’re ready to make a vow to not go to bed angry, I want you to pray this prayer with me...
God, I don’t want my relationships to unravel. And, I’m tired of just bottling things up or just blowing my top. I commit myself right now by vowing to deal with my anger before I go to sleep each night. Help me to develop the skills of being honest, being angry, being kind, and being a forgiver. In Jesus name. Amen.
