David mustered the men who were with him and appointed over them commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds. David sent the troops out—a third under the command of Joab, a third under Joab’s brother Abishai son of Zeruiah, and a third under Ittai the Gittite. The king told the troops, “I myself will surely march out with you.” But the men said, “You must not go out; if we are forced to flee, they won’t care about us. Even if half of us die, they won’t care; but you are worth ten thousand of us. It would be better now for you to give us support from the city.”
The king answered, “I will do whatever seems best to you.” So the king stood beside the gate while all the men marched out in units of hundreds and of thousands. The king commanded Joab, Abishai and Ittai, “Be gentle with the young man Absalom for my sake.” And all the troops heard the king giving orders concerning Absalom to each of the commanders. (2 Samuel 18:1-5)
Now Absalom happened to meet David’s men. He was riding his mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches of a large oak, Absalom’s head got caught in the tree. He was left hanging in midair, while the mule he was riding kept on going. (2 Samuel 18:9)
In his book, “Living Faithfully”, J Allen Blair tells of a man who was struggling to get to Grand Central Station in New York City. The wind blew fiercely, and the rain beat down on him as he lugged two heavy suitcases toward the terminal. Occasionally he would pause to rest and regain his strength before trudging on against the elements. At one point he was almost ready to collapse, when a man suddenly appeared by his side, took the suitcases, and said in a strangely familiar voice, “We’re going the same way. You look as if you could use some help.”
When they reached the shelter of the station, the weary traveler, the renowned educator Booker T. Washington, asked the man, “Please, sir, what is your name?” The man replied, “The name, my friend, is Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt.” (1)
This week the family that we get up close and personal with is King David’s. Our attention is drawn to a son that worked against David, instead of working with and for him. They were definitely not going in the same direction. David is to a Jew what Abraham Lincoln is to an American, what Nelson Mandela is South Africa, what Winston Churchill is to the nation of England. The father of this family is the Sweet Singer of Israel. Born in Bethlehem, he was a giant killer - and an adulterer. Israel reached superpower status under his reign.
He rose out of the isolation of the desert. He wasn’t pampered on the glow of popularity. His character was forged in a place of harshness. David learned faithfulness by tending sheep in an environment of routine and insignificance. Hour after hour, with no entertainment to pass the time, David would meditate on a relationship with God.
David loved Jehovah like no other Jew. The Bible says, “He was a man after God’s own heart” (Samuel 13:14). David was not, however, without flaws. Although he was a great king, his parenting skills left something to be desired.
Today we take a panoramic view of David’s relationship with his oldest son, Absalom. No father son relationship gets as much press as David and Absalom. The chapters of 2 Samuel 13-20 are packed with intrigue, espionage, deception, confusion, and most of all rebellion. Joab has seen the handwriting on the wall for some time, but David could not bring himself to accept the fact that his most beloved son, Absalom, would turn traitor and eventually turn from everything that David’s convictions stood for.
As you look at these chapters, you discover a coup attempt was being devised right inside the borders of the beloved city of Jerusalem. Absalom has one thing on his mind: tear the kingdom away from his father and get possession of the throne. In the latter years of David’s life he had only two options: remain and resist, or run and regroup.
Who likes to admit when you’ve blown it? When you’ve gone off the deep end with an attitude, failed to follow the guidelines and policies concerning safety at work, or find yourself slipping into mediocrity and complacency in a marriage? When you’re short with a friend, rough with a child, or insensitive as a spouse? Admitting we’ve blown it in life has to be at the top of the list of mistakes. All others take a back seat. Everything else is second place. Honorable mention.
Navigating Safely to the Base Camp
As we descend deep into the world of family matters we cross the crevice of “when you blow it as a parent.” You need to navigate carefully through this treacherous landscape, or the consequences could be fatal. One slip and you’re out of sight; gone from the surface; nowhere to be found; no voice to be heard. Parenting carries many of the joys and dangers of climbing. Today I want to help you navigate safely to the base camp of another challenging aspect of the parental climb.
Let’s turn in God’s Word to the life of David and Absalom, and for the next few minutes I want to put some flesh on these abstract thoughts. Together, let’s search the biography of the Sweet Singer/Giant Killer of Israel to draw life-giving principles for dealing with the issue, “when you blow it as a parent.”
The setting today is anything but sweet. In recent days, David has known more sobs and tears than sounds of laughter. Thread by thread, the mighty Kingdom of Israel that he and God built is coming unraveled. It all started with a sexual sin committed in secret. Now the family problems are on display for the whole nation to see.
Steps to Safe Guarding Against Parental & Personal Nearsightedness
1. Stay alert to areas of your life that open the door to generational sin: do a fierce moral inventory.
The woman said, “Why then have you devised a thing like this against the people of God? When the king says this, does he not convict himself, for the king has brought back his banished son?” (2 Samuel 14:13)
Summary of the Plot
Since the days of his affair with Bathsheba, David has not laughed or smiled. He hears, more often than not, the whispers of his subjects as they mock the once great King because of his lack of self-control. If you are a leader, the number one area where Satan has his big guns turned toward you is the area of self-control. More leaders fall because of lack of self-control than any other cause.
David’s résumé was filled with one heartache after another - deception, adultery and murder. David had spoiled his relationship with God and had lost the trust of the people he loved so much. This message, “What to do if you have blown it as a parent,” is the result of the biblical account found in 2 Samuel. Here we see the king’s family beginning to deteriorate.
David has a son whose heart was filled with rebellion. I do not believe it started out this way, but it certainly ended that way. Absalom was more like his father than any of the other sons.
He was handsome. He was articulate. He loved people. He was a great political leader. He was a charmer. When David looked in the mirror he saw Absalom. When he looked at Absalom, he saw himself a generation earlier.
Absalom’s life had been scarred by David’s neglect. It was the busyness of his kingly duties that was Absalom’s undoing. Another father named Eli had made these same mistakes years earlier. If one thing is true about history, it is guaranteed to repeat itself. And it did!
What Did David Overlook?
David spent more time with his work than with his family. David’s intense focus of establishing the nation as a great military power relegated the family to the back seat of his life. The thing that makes parenting so difficult is that just when you get it figured out, you’re out of a job. As parents, let’s not sell our kids’ souls for a reputation, pay increase, or larger house, for the pain of regret will be too great when it is too late.
2. Strengthen your resolve to know what is going on in your kid’s life: accountability.
In the course of time, Absalom provided himself with a chariot and horses and with fifty men to run ahead of him. He would get up early and stand by the side of the road leading to the city gate. (2 Samuel 15:1-2)
David was unwilling to address the problems of his kids’ lives. Absalom and Tamar were brother and sister. When Tamar was raped (by her half-brother) Absalom was irate that David failed to intervene and come to her aid. So Absalom took matters into his own hand. You can read the story in 2 Samuel 13. Like his father, Absalom committed murder.
Absalom ordered his men, “Listen! When Amnon is in high spirits from drinking wine and I say, ‘Strike Amnon down,’ then kill him.” (2 Samuel 13:28)
Next, David was unwilling to listen to the words of his faithful counselor Joab. God wants to open the eyes of parents who are blind to their children’s faults. How receptive are you when people speak to you concerning your children?
Finally, David was willing to tolerate his son’s inappropriate behavior, thus becoming a part of the problem. David went from passive indifference to active indulgence. We will see that later, when David is unable to get on with his life after Absalom’s death.
Sin has a recycling tendency that most people don’t recognize. Yesterday’s lunch becomes today’s garbage and refuse; and tomorrow’s garbage will accumulate somewhere in the house.
Months rolled into years and David never got the nerve to face Absalom’s and his identical sinful act. It was only because of a faithful friend’s influence and use of a judicial parable (like the one Nathan used to get David’s attention in 2 Samuel 1) that Absalom finally came back to Jerusalem.
Then Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem. But the king said, “He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.” So Absalom went to this own house and did not see the face of the king. (2 Samuel 14:23-24)
The relationship was unrepaired. It was strained. David should have taken the initiative to do the repair work. Absalom used his relationship as a son to turn the hearts of the people toward him and away from dad. He deliberately stole the affections of the people; and in the end, he led an insurrection against the throne given to David by God. Please listen to these observations.
When relationships are strained, you can fail to clearly see what your boundaries and rights are. You’ll often have an inflated view of who you are, “I am a king,” and you’ll be completely oblivious to the rightness of what you are doing. Absalom felt justified. Dad failed to intervene for Tamar, so it fell to the brother. And since dad was an unfit father, he was also an unfit king.
In a bizarre series of events David unwittingly blesses Absalom, who goes to Hebron where David first ruled for 7 years. Eventually Absalom becomes king and David heads for the desert, leaving only a few servants to take care of the throne.
At the end of four years, Absalom said to the king, “Let me go to Hebron and fulfill a vow I made to the Lord. While your servant was living at Gershur in Aram, I made a vow: ‘If the Lord takes me back to Jerusalem, I will worship the Lord in Hebron.’” The king said to him, “Go in peace.” So he went to Hebron. (2 Samuel 15:7-9)
The whole countryside wept aloud as all the people passed by. The king also crossed the Kidron valley, and all the people moved on toward the desert. (2 Samuel 15:23)
Time has passed. What goes around often comes around. The tables were now turned, and in poetic justice, David is now on the run and Absalom is sitting securely on the throne.
3. Start the process today of reconciling strained relationships: peace-making.
Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king’s face. (2 Samuel 14:28)
A messenger came and told David, “The hearts of the men of Israel are with Absalom.” Then David said to all his officials who were with him in Jerusalem, “Come! We must flee, or none of us will escape from Absalom.” (2 Samuel 15:13-14)
David and Absalom were never reconciled. What is true of their relationship is true of Christians and non-Christians. As a pastor I see it all too often - people whose lives are filled with unresolved conflict.
Let me suggest what the road of recovery from conflict should look like. In the book, “The Peacemaker,” author Ken Sande gives a biblical and practical model for dealing with conflict through the door of repentance. I have taken these concepts and applied them to David and The Prodigal Son so you can see first hand what key ingredients are needed to lead to complete repentance. (2)
In baseball, a team does not get points for leaving runners stranded on base. How many times have we been left stranded because our confession fails to include all these elements?
1. Address Everyone Involved. The first step to repentance is to identify all the parties that have been injured by your misconduct. Because David was the king and a public official, his offense was also against his people. David would need to expand the scope of his repentance to include a wide audience.
”...Father I have sinned against heaven and against you.” (Luke 15:18)
2. Avoid, “if,” “but,” and “maybe.” If you want a surefire way to ruin a good confession, just minimize it with words like, “if,” “but,” or “maybe.” Confessions loose their value and hope for healing when they are watered-down.
* Using the word if implies you are not sure if you’ve done something wrong.
* Using the word but implies that you were justified in your behavior or attitude.
* Using the word maybe implies you haven’t decided yet, if a wrong has occurred.
“...I will set out and go back to my father and say to him...” (Luke 15:18)
3. Admit Specifically. When a person is specific about their offense, the offended party sees the completeness and sincerity of the offender. This opens the door to forgiveness. When you offer your confession, deal with attitudes and actions, and include biblical principles you have violated.
“...Against you, you only have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” (Psalm 51:4)
4. Apologize for the Offense. My kids are learning this key point by playing the feeling game. When they apologize they include the question, “When I hurt you, how did that make you feel?” Only when they know how the person they injured felt can they adequately include sorrow and remorse in their repentance.
“Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.” (Luke 51:8)
5. Accept the Consequences. Each offense and injury carries consequences. Be willing to accept the consequences and learn to include restitution as a part of repentance.
“Restore to me the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” (Psalm 51:12)
6. Alter Your Behavior. One of the best ways to identify that change is taking place is when you pass what you are learning on to others. The true fruit of repentance is changed behavior
“Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.” (Psalm 51:13)
7. Ask for Forgiveness and Allow Time. Forgiveness is the natural outcome of the steps above. When you sow to repentance, you will repeat a harvest of forgiveness. Avoid the mistake of pressing the person to say, “I forgive you.” Healing often takes time.
“And the son said to him, ‘Father I have sinned.’” (Luke 15:21)
In his book, “Great Church Fights,” Leslie B. Flynn tells of two unmarried sisters who lived together, but because of an unresolved disagreement over an insignificant issue, they stopped speaking to each other - one of the inescapable results of refusing to forget. (3)
Since they were either unable or unwilling to move out of their small house, they continued to use the same rooms, eat at the same table, use the same appliances, and sleep in the same room – separately, without one word. A chalk line divided the sleeping area into two halves, separating doorways as well as the fireplace. Each would come and go, cook and eat, sew and read without ever stepping over into her sister’s territory.
Through the black of the night, each could hear the deep breathing of the other, but because both were unwilling to take the first step toward forgiving and forgetting the silly offense, they coexisted for years in grinding silence.
When we don’t forgive we are cast into a chamber of horrors that we cannot escape. There we are introduced to attitudes and actions that leave us judgmental, unteachable, and bitter. Now, let me give you some practical suggestions for how to forgive.
Four Promises of Forgiveness
A. Avoid mentally rehearsing the events associated with the offense.
When it comes to forgiveness, there are three bases we all have to touch. Even though no two situations of forgiveness are ever the same, and each of us puts our own spin on the transaction of forgiveness, forgiveness follows the same pattern.
First, forgiveness allows us to see how human the other person really is. Our feet of clay are never more real than when we injure others. Have you ever noticed when you are injured or offended, how easy it is to shrink that person to the sum of the offense? They become just a cheat or a liar. Before your very eyes, like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz, “they are melting, they are melting, they are melting….”
He is no longer a broken creature made in the image of God, a confusing mixture of good and evil. He is reduced to a total sinner who did us wrong. As we apply God’s healing balm of forgiveness, the lenses of perception that were smudged by bitterness and resentment bring the person back into the focus of faulty humanity. Rehearsing the event over and over in your mind causes them to get smaller and smaller in your mind.
Second, let go of the need to get even. The enjoyment you get from watching the offender leisurely turn and burn on the hellish rotisserie of shame and guilt is not going get any points with God.
Third, start immediately blessing the person you forgive. We will only feel differently about the person if we see him differently. Ronald Reagan’s attitude after the 1982 attempt on his life made an impression on his daughter, Patti Davis:
“The following day my father said he knew his physical healing was directly dependent on his ability to forgive John Hinckley. By showing me that forgiveness is the key to everything, including physical health and healing, he gave me an example of Christ-like thinking.” (5)
The Bible reminds us, “that as a man thinketh, so he is.” What you think determines how you behave. President Reagan’s attitude toward John Hinckley made all the difference in his recovery.
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B. Refuse to bring the offense up and use it against the person at a later date.
At the heart of forgiveness is the commitment to not only forgive but to forget. We’ve all heard or even lived the motto, “OK, I’ll forgive, but I’ll never forget.” This happens so often that it is second nature. And that is the problem; it is a part of the old nature. We need to get a new nature. Paul reminds us of this truth when he said, “Old things pass away, all things become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17) If you fail to commit to forgetting, then you truly haven’t forgiven
C. Flee the attempt to tell others about this offense.
One of the real tests of forgiveness is when we are willing to bury the details of the offense. Like a corpse going into a casket, to never be exhumed, we bury the offense in a casket of forgetfulness to never be brought up again. Oh, this is so hard.
As a part of reconciling a conflict, if we have passed the story on to third parties, we must confess the wrong of tale bearing and go give a good report of how the offense has been reconciled.
D. Forsake the temptation to let the circumstances of the injury raise its ugly head and hinder the relationship.
The only way we can do this is to know what to forgive. We don’t use surgery to get rid of every little blemish, and we don’t use forgiveness to heal every little conflict. So when is forgiveness appropriate? Let’s turn to author Lewis B. Smedes from Fuller Seminary and get some advice. (5)
We have to forgive people. If the church, state, government, or some other faceless organization wrongs you, you can’t forgive the institution. You forgive the people, even though the link between organizations and people can be close.
We forgive people for what they do, not who they are. We are not called to forgive people for being lazy, arrogant, or ethnic. We are not called to forgive because they are blockheads, or dress poorly or are too loud in life. We forgive people for the wrong they do to us. People do not injure us by being liars; they injure us by lying to us. People don’t wrong us being unfaithful; they wrong us by breaching trust.
We forgive people who injure us seriously. The Bible reminds us, “It is the glory of man to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11) People bump us in the store, spill ketchup on our clothes, stick their foot in their mouth, and forget to use manners. These are things to be overlooked because we should have a magnanimous spirit—the quality of a large spirit. There is a difference between those who are a pain in the neck and those who break a confidence.
When we fail to forgive correctly, the power of forgiveness is diluted, the majesty of it is spoiled and the healing process is disrupted. God loves to forgive; how wonderful His forgiveness is. How like Jesus we are when we forgive others. There is not a single person sitting here or listening today that is not free from something because of forgiveness.
Submit to God’s plan for your life that is larger than any one loss.
You love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that the commanders and their men mean nothing to you. (2 Samuel 19:6)
We come to the end of the story. David is grieving.
The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—Absalom, my son, my son.” (2 Samuel 18:33)
Joab was told, “The king is weeping and mourning for Absalom.” And for the whole army the victory that day was turned into mourning, because on that day the troops heard it said, “The king is grieving for is son.” (2 Samuel 19:1-2)
The king is shaken. This is the picture of a mom holding a son shot in a gangland slaying. It is the picture of a brother holding a sister ripped apart by a terrorist bomb. The word is Rah-gaz! It means to quake, shake or shudder; we would say convulse. It is the idea of literal trembling. (6).
It was a day when victory was turned to mourning. There was no ticker tape parade as the soldiers slipped back into town. No singing. No dancing. No celebration.
Why? Because Absalom is dead. The king’s son is gone. He is not coming back. Earlier, David was able to accept the death of a son (chapter 12), but his wailing wasn’t going to bring this boy back. The king’s palace was covered in crepe. The loudest sound was not a warrior’s cheer, it was a king’s cry. You could hear it for blocks.
It can happen to anyone at anytime. It happens to the noble as well as the lowly. It happens to the rich and famous as well as the poor and obscure, to the president as well as the homeless.
Let me suggest an epitaph for that day:
I remember the day you were born. I held you so close and tight. I played peek-a-boo. You laughed loudly. Then you grew. Months turned to years. We grew apart. I made some mistakes. You wanted to get closer; my pride wouldn’t make time. In an unrestrained moment of passion I threw away my future, and yours. You got fed up with my passive indifference. You ran. I fought. I wanted you back on my terms. You retaliated. I longed to make it right. And just when we were close to getting this thing straightened out - my precious son, you’re gone! Gone forever!
Joab, David’s nephew and military commander, watched this whole thing from beginning to end. From his perspective David wasn’t king, Absalom was. Now things could be made right. There has been chaos long enough. When he heard David was paralyzed with guilt and immobilized with grief, he marched into David’s presence and did the hardest thing of his life. (2 Samuel 19:5-7)
Even though David was grieving over the unbearable, he needed the words of his closest friend. Joab’s counsel can be summarized in three direct words of advice:
1. Face the truth.
2. Reject self-pity.
3. Affirm those closest to you.
For many of you, it will take a strong word from the Holy Spirit to bring you back to reality when you feel like you have blown it as a parent. It’s hard to move ahead when we’ve blown it. It’s hard to survive when you face divorce or when you’re let go from a job.
But life cannot stop! You’ve got to go on. To reduce your world to the tight radius of naval gazing is not only selfish, it is unfair to those who love you. It doesn’t matter what you think about how Joab did it, he was used of God to break David free.
We end our message by seeing David sitting at the gate once again.
So the king went got up and took his seat in the gateway. When the men were told, “The king is sitting in the gateway,” they all came before him. (2 Samuel. 19:8)
