TROUBLE IN PARADISE?
Song of Solomon 5:2-8
Every marriage is begun with the idea that life will be perfect. After all you have finally found that one person that makes you happier than you have ever been. Nothing could be so bad to ever ruin that. Unfortunately, marriage is full of trials and tribulation. Maintaining a good marriage that will last takes hard work. We must be reminded of our Wedding Vows, “For better or for worse.” Every marriage has its “for worse”; but if the marriage is going to last, the couple must be able to survive the “for worse”. In our text, Solomon and his wife have had a fight.
Stop And Think
What are those “for worse” situations that you have struggled or struggle with? Have they been taken care of? If not, what are you going to do to handle those problems and when?
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The Scene
Song of Solomon 5:2-8 (NKJV)
THE SHULAMITE
2 I sleep, but my heart is awake; It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, “Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one; For my head is covered with dew, My locks with the drops of the night.”
3 I have taken off my robe; How can I put it on again? I have washed my feet; How can I defile them?
4 My beloved put his hand By the latch of the door, And my heart yearned for him.
5 I arose to open for my beloved, And my hands dripped with myrrh, My fingers with liquid myrrh, On the handles of the lock.
6 I opened for my beloved, But my beloved had turned away and was gone. My heart leaped up when he spoke. I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.
7 The watchmen who went about the city found me. They struck me, they wounded me; The keepers of the walls Took my veil away from me.
8 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, If you find my beloved, That you tell him I am lovesick!
Song of Songs 5:2-8 (The Message)
THE WOMAN
I was sound asleep, but in my dreams I was wide awake. Oh, listen! It’s the sound of my lover knocking, calling!
THE MAN
“Let me in, dear companion, dearest friend, my dove, consummate lover! I’m soaked with the dampness of the night, drenched with dew, shivering and cold.”
THE WOMAN
“But I’m in my nightgown- do you expect me to get dressed? I’m bathed and in bed- do you want me to get dirty?” But my lover wouldn’t take no for an answer, and the longer he knocked, the more excited I became. I got up to open the door to my lover, sweetly ready to receive him, Desiring and expectant as I turned the door handle. But when I opened the door he was gone. My loved one had tired of waiting and left. And I died inside- oh, I felt so bad! I ran out looking for him But he was nowhere to be found. I called into the darkness- but no answer. The night watchmen found me as they patrolled the streets of the city. They slapped and beat and bruised me, ripping off my clothes, These watchmen who were supposed to be guarding the city. I beg you, sisters in Jerusalem- if you find my lover, Please tell him I want him, that I’m heartsick with love for him.
We do not know what had happened as far as what they were fighting about, but apparently she was dreaming about a time when she and Solomon had a fight and she wouldn’t let Solomon in the bed. He tried and tried to get her to change her mind. He tried to calm the situation down, but finally he just got frustrated and left.
As she began to calm down, she decided that he could come back to bed with her and she was even looking forward to it then; but when she opened the door, he was gone. Her anger now turned to fear. She had upset him so bad that he has left. She began to fear that he had left and was not coming back, so she went to find him. As she was searching the city for Solomon the guards of the city beat her up and took her veil. She was not supposed to be out walking the city at that time of night. The only type of women that were roaming the city at night was prostitutes.
Apparently she finally just gave up. She told the women of the harem that she could not find Solomon and if they knew where he was to please let her know. She also told them that her heart hurt for love for Solomon and she couldn’t live without him.
I want us now to turn from the scene and analyze a few things that has happened in this “lover’s quarrel”. Be aware of the fact that these same types of things happen in marriages today. Let’s identify the problems so that we can be aware of them and try to avoid them in our own relationships.
The Reactions
I want us to identify the different reactions found in our text. First of all, we need to notice that when the woman got angry at Solomon she used one of the most used tactics of women. She “cut him off” from sex. I promise you this upset Solomon just as it upsets every man that this has happened to. Is it o.k. for spouses to use sex as bargaining power? Believe it or not, the Bible gives us a warning about this.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NKJV)
3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (The Message)
Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality- the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting- but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence- only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.
The woman made a mistake by holding back sex from her husband because she was angry, but it doesn’t end there. If everyone would have just let this go it would have been over, but they didn’t. Solomon stood at the door and tried to solve the problem for a moment, but the woman would not give in. How many times has the problem got worse because everyone was being stubborn and no one would say “I am sorry”? It is human nature to expect the other person to apologize first. After all it was their fault.
Now Solomon just said, “Fine” and probably kicked the door. Solomon left angry. I’m sure that at that moment while his “blood was boiling” that he probably thought to himself or maybe said out loud, “Stupid woman, I’m out of here. I’m not ever coming back.”
What we have here are two people with two different personalities. Not all married couples have different personalities, but most do. Let’s first look at Solomon’s personality. If you have the same type of personality as Solomon I want you to notice how he could have handled this better.
Solomon’s personality is a bit passive. He didn’t try to fix the problem very long before he just left. A person with this personality is apt to run from confrontation. Now this is sometimes good. There is no need to fight over every little thing, but it is very harmful to a relationship to just have all these little things “piling up”. After a while, all of these unresolved problems can create distance in the marriage and when this happens the marriage is very susceptible to adultery. The devil always knows when to send some very nice person to help this hurting person out. Before you know it, there is adultery happening in that marriage. Getting out of the situation to “cool off” is wise, but you must go back and solve the problem. Don’t sweep it under the rug.
The Shulamite woman is more aggressive. She is not going to lose this fight. If he wants to sleep with his wife, then he is going to have to treat her a whole lot better and that includes letting her always win. A person with this personality tends to forget what they are fighting about. This person fights every battle and they fight to win regardless of the consequences. The problem with fighting every fight is this person loses their ability to make a point. See, this woman was fighting all the time and Solomon’s personality was to run from the fight. If they continued to do this, it was going to destroy this marriage. Now Solomon may have not physically run from the fight, but you can “tune a person out” which is still avoiding the fight.
Let’s put this all together. The woman seemed as a “nagger” to Solomon. All she did was nag, nag, and nag. To the woman, Solomon just seemed like he didn’t really care what happened to this marriage. Every time she tried to talk about something with him he would either ignore her or just walk off mad. See the problem?
Now it is obvious that they both loved each other and wanted to fix their problems. What they needed was someone to “step up to the plate” and begin the process. After the “smoke cleared” from their fight, the woman realizes that this was stupid and she really did love her husband and wanted him to come back to bed. Now she is frantically looking for him. Her anger turned to fear. I’m sure she was thinking, “If only I would have not acted like this. What will I do if something has happened to him?” This is another good reason for those who like to run from the fight to not just go off to some place unknown to the other. As a chaplain, I have had to go and tell wives and husbands that their spouse had died in an accident and watch that person just literally self destruct because their spouse had left angry and they never had a chance to solve the problem.
Lastly, notice that the woman ended up getting others involved. She got herself hurt because she was probably making a scene and screaming all over town for her husband. She was most likely mistaken as a prostitute. She involved the women of the harem. It is all right to seek advice from others, but be careful how you do that. Be very aware that if you handle this wrong you could end up embarrassing the one you love and this never helps a marriage.
Just A Note
I have included a personality survey in this study from a book entitled “Jesus On Leadership”. Use this survey to find out what personality traits you and your spouse have. This survey is not intended to solve all of your problems, but to help you understand the differences between you and your spouse and how to use your different personalities as strengths and not weaknesses to your marriage.
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Wednesday Evening Bible Study
Series: Intimacy (Study In Song of Solomon) #6
March 12, 2003
Bel Aire Baptist Church Marriage Class
Pastor Shawn Drake
