I’ve been reading some authors this week who are deeply concerned about the decline of traditional family values (Dr. Richard Saller, "Family Values in Ancient Rome" www.fathom.com/feature/121908). These authors are concerned that fewer and fewer women are wanting to invest in their children as moms. They’re deeply concerned because so many moms are hiring other people to raise their kids. They’re disturbed about the rising divorce rate and increase in marital infidelity. These authors are also concerned that fathers are no longer embracing their role as the family leader. They’re fearful that this decline in traditional family values is ripping at the very fabric of society. The authors I’m referring to aren’t James Dobson, William Bennett, or Dr. Laura Schlessinger. In fact, they’re not even from this century. The authors I’m talking about are named Cato, Tacitus, Polybius and Juvenal, and most of them wrote in the Roman Empire about 100 years before Jesus Christ was born. During this period of Roman history, many Romans were so deeply concerned about the decline in traditional family values. When Caesar Augustus came to power in 31 B.C. he passed a whole body of new legislation that was designed to restore traditional family values in Rome. This happened just three decades before the birth of Jesus Christ. During Jesus’ lifetime if you said you were a proponent of traditional family values, people would assume that you were a Roman, a supporter of Caesar Augustus and his reforms.
Certainly in our culture today people debate traditional family values as well. William Bennett’s Index of Leading Cultural Indicators demonstrated that by the end of the twentieth century many of the family values of our nation are disappearing. And like Caesar Augustus, many politicians and activists have tried to work for the restoration of traditional family values through legislation and the political process. And strengthening the family through the political process is certainly a noble activity to be involved in. I support those who labor in this way.
But I’m afraid if we as Christians make traditional family values our goal as followers of Jesus Christ, we’ve set the bar far too low. You see, the ancient Romans valued the family as high as any civilization you’ll ever read about in history. Among the ancient Romans, no human institution was more important than your family. Your family was believed to last forever, even into the afterlife. And your obligation to your family was more important than any other obligation, higher your obligation to your government, even higher than your obligation to the god you worshipped. For the ancient Romans, valuing the family meant placing the family above every other loyalty.
The Christian faith has always had more of an uneasy relationship with the family structure than the Romans had. On the one hand, Christians agreed with the ancient Romans that the family is a divine institution. Christians believe that God himself designed marriage and parenthood. So the family isn’t merely a social creation. God’s divine intention stands behind marriage and parenting. But on the other hand, Christians believe that our obligations to God and God’s Kingdom take priority even over our family obligations, as important as those obligations are. And that’s where the early Christians parted company with the ancient Romans.
I think it’s better to ask ourselves this question: HOW CAN WE LIVE AS FOLLOWERS OF JESUS CHRIST IN OUR FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS?
For the Christian, that’s the more fundamental issue than upholding family values. How does my devotion to Jesus Christ effect who I marry, whether I get married, and how I treat my spouse if I do marry? How does my devotion to Jesus Christ effect how I raise my kids? In other words, for the Christian it’s not so much about upholding traditional family values, as much as it’s about applying the values of God’s kingdom in our families.
We’ve been in a series through the New Testament book of Mark called Following Jesus in the Real World. Part of our "real world" that we seek to live as followers of Jesus is our families. Today we’re going to see look at two of God’s kingdom values, one value that relates to marriage and the other that relates to children.
1. God’s Kingdom Values in Marriage (Mark 10:1-12)
We begin with the issue of marriage in vv. 1-12. Clearly this is one of Jesus’ most controversial teachings, as we saw illustrated in the drama. Jesus’ movement into the region of Judea across the Jordan is important, because being in Judea places Jesus within the jurisdiction of the Roman king Herod Antipas. We encountered King Herod back in the sixth chapter of Mark, where we learned that Herod imprisoned and executed Jesus’ cousin John the Baptist. Mark told us in chapter 6 that the whole reason Herod did this was because John had criticized Herod’s divorce and remarriage (Mark 6:17-18). You see, Herod had been married to the daughter of a Nabatean king in a political alliance. But Herod decided that he wanted to marry a woman named Herodias, who happened to be married to Herod’s own brother Phillip. So Herodias divorced Philip and Herod divorced his wife, and Herod and Herodias got married. John the Baptist criticized Herod for marrying his sister-in-law, saying it dishonored God. That criticism made Herod even more unpopular with the people, so Herod arrested John and eventually had him beheaded.
As soon as Jesus steps into the jurisdiction of Herod, the Pharisees ask Jesus a question about divorce. So this isn’t just an innocent question about marriage, but it’s lighting the fuse to a political powder keg. The underlying question was, "Was it lawful for Herod to divorce his wife"
Jesus responds with a question, asking what Moses commanded God’s people to do. You see, Jesus isn’t interested with what a non-believing king like Herod does. Jesus is concerned with the conduct of those who claim to be believers, with the people of God. By directing them back to Moses, Jesus directs the Pharisees back to their own Scriptures.
The Pharisees’ response is telling, because they cite Moses’ laws governing divorce from the Old Testament book of Deuteronomy. Notice the slight shift from Jesus’ question to their answer. Jesus asks what Moses commanded, and they respond with what Moses permitted. The section from Deuteronomy chapter 24 regulated divorce among the people of Israel. It didn’t give the grounds for divorce, but simply gave the procedure for a Jewish man to divorce his life if he so wished. According to this law, if a man divorced his wife, he had to provide her a written certificate, which freed her to marry someone else. That way the man couldn’t change his mind or claim that his wife was being unfaithful. The certificate was designed to protect the ex-wife from being exploited by her former husband.
Now among the Jewish people of Jesus’ day there was a lot of debate about the proper grounds for divorce. One Jewish rabbi named Shammai claimed that the only proper grounds for a Jewish man to divorce his wife was adultery, if the wife had been unfaithful to her husband. But another rabbi named Hillel claimed that a man could divorce his wife for any reason, even for a ruined meal. Both the followers of Shammai and the followers of Hillel appealed to this text in Deuteronomy to justify their positions.
But Jesus’ response is telling. Jesus notices that his question about what Moses commanded is met with a response concerned with what Moses permitted. Jesus concedes that Deuteronomy 24 is part of the scriptures, but he contends that Moses gave this law as a concession because of the stubbornness of the human heart. In other words, Deuteronomy 24 is a concession, not a command.
Jesus appeals to the book of Genesis and God’s original intention for marriage. Before there was human sin or hardheartedness, God made men and women in his image. He quotes Genesis 1:27 to prove that both men and women are made in the image of God, and therefore equals in the partnership of marriage. Then he quotes Genesis 2:24 as presenting God’s intention, that a man leave his mom and dad to be joined in a special union with his wife. Back in Genesis, the Hebrew words for "leave" and "be joined to" carry the idea of severing one covenant relationship and establishing a new covenant relationship. So it’s not just moving out of your mom and dad’s house, but its radically redefining your relationship to your parents when you join your heart in marriage.
When men and women marry their lives become united together in a unique way. The two become one flesh, says Genesis.
Last summer my family went to Yosemite on our family vacation, and we went to the Mariposa grove of giant sequoias. It was interesting that some of the sequoias had grown so close to each other, that they’d become intertwined. Their roots were intertwined, their trunks were intertwined, and they’d developed a symbiotic relationship with each other. If you cut down one, you’d kill the other own as well, because the two had become one. That’s similar to what Jesus is saying here, that a oneness occurs when a man and a woman join themselves together in marriage.
Who then are we to separate what God has joined together into oneness? Who are the Pharisees to look for loopholes so they can upgrade when they meet a younger, more attractive woman? What God has joined together let no person separate.
This leads to a private discussion between Jesus and his closest followers. Jesus says that divorce and remarriage ultimately leads to adultery for both men and woman. Matthew’s version of this same event records one of Jesus’ followers saying, "If that’s the case, it’s better not to get married at all." In other words, Jesus’ first followers found this teaching just as difficult as we do.
Now this leads us to our first kingdom value. WE LIVE AS FOLLOWERS OF JESUS IN MARRIAGE BY STRIVING FOR LIFELONG FIDELITY.
This value captures God’s intention when he designed marriage. You see, the whole problem with the Pharisees is they started by looking for loopholes. Their starting point was, "What can I get away with" not, "What is God’s best for me?" They worked on the assumption that marriage would eventually end with failure, and then looked for ways to justify that failure in the eyes of God.
Jesus begins with God’s intention. He doesn’t contest that the Jewish law allowed divorce in certain circumstances, but he’s deeply disturbed by the fact that this is where the Pharisees begin. To follow Jesus is to begin with God’s original intention and to work forward from there, not to start with divorce and work backwards. You don’t learn how to fly an airplane by following the instructions for crash landings. You don’t learn to be an effective soldier by memorizing the rules for retreating. And you don’t live by God’s kingdom values marriage by starting with divorce.
Now this kingdom value has some very important QUALIFICATIONS to it. But it’s important to comprehend this value before we even think about the qualifications. Both Genesis chapters 1 and 2 describe human conditions prior to the fall of humanity into sin. So these qualifications we’re going to talk about are concessions that are allowed because of the entrance of human sin into our world. But we can’t allow these qualifications to cause us to lose our vision for God’s intention, because it’s God’s original intention that he’s rebuilding in our lives through Jesus Christ.
The first qualification is MARITAL INFIDELITY. On another occasion, Jesus said, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matt 19:9). So even though Jesus holds up the idea of lifelong fidelity, he knows that human hearts are stubborn and rebellious. So as a protection to a spouse who’s husband or wife is unfaithful, Jesus allows his followers to divorce and remarry when there’s been infidelity. Now it’s important to realize that this isn’t commanding divorce, but it’s allowing it. Many marriages can survive an affair if both spouses are committed to working it out. But out of grace, God allows an escape route for a husband or wife who’s been wounded by their spouse’s infidelity.
The second qualification is DIVORCE BEFORE CONVERSION. One of the things the early church had to deal with was the fact that many of the people who became Christians had been married several times earlier in life. So the early Christians established a principle we find in 1 Corinthians 7:17, a principle that says you should stay in the position of life you are when you come to faith in Jesus. In other words, if you’ve been divorced and remarried prior to becoming a follower of Jesus, you should stay in your current marriage and try to make it the best possible relationship you can. You can’t go back and undo your past. When my mom became a Christian, she was in her third marriage, and instead of trying to go back and undo the past, she and my step-dad did the best they could to build a strong, Christian marriage with each other.
The third concession is DESERTION BY A NON-CHRISTIAN SPOUSE. Sometimes when a person becomes a follower of Jesus Christ, their spouse wants nothing to do with them anymore. In fact, some historians believe the apostle Paul had been married and that’s likely how he came to be single, that his wife divorced him when he became a Christian. First Corinthians 7:15 tells us to try to live with a non-Christian spouse as best as we can, investing ourselves into the relationship. But if the non-Christian doesn’t want to remain married and takes steps to dissolve the relationship, don’t try to stop them. In that case, the Christian is free to remarry.
The third concession isn’t so much a biblical one as it’s a cultural one in our world today: "NO FAULT" DIVORCE. We live in a society where a person can divorce his or her spouse for any reason at all, and there’s nothing the spouse can do about it. Christians divorce their spouses for less than biblical reasons in our communities all the time, and legally there’s nothing a spouse who wants to work on the marriage can do to stop the process.
In those cases, I see no reason why that person who was divorced against his or her will shouldn’t be allowed to remarry once the former spouse remarries or gets involved with another person.
Finally, the fourth qualification is SEPARATION. The Bible gives very narrow grounds for Christians to divorce each other, but the grounds for separation are very broad. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, "A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." The way this text reads in Greek, v. 10 is giving the ideal situation, that spouses shouldn’t separate. But v. 11 is giving permission for separation, that although it’s best for spouses to remain together, they can separate and still be pleasing to God. No grounds for separation are given, which tells me the grounds are very broad. As a pastor I always recommend separation in marriages where there’s violence or abuse in a home. I often recommend separation when a spouse is involved in drug or alcohol abuse, or where a spouse is acting self-destructively and refuses to get help. Separation can be a helpful step in the process of reconciliation, to build a healthy, positive, biblical marriage. So although the grounds for divorce are very narrow for Christians, the grounds for separation are very broad.
Now stating these five qualifications, we can’t let them cause us to loose sight of the kingdom value: LIFELONG FIDELITY. Every church walks a tightrope in this area of divorce and remarriage. On the one hand, we must lift up this kingdom value as God’s expectation for every person who follows Jesus. Divorce is far too easy an option in our culture, and often our churches avoid talking about this stuff. Jesus wants us to live by a different standard than our culture, to order our lives by the values of the Kingdom of God. So lifting up this kingdom value is a non-negotiable for a Christian church that wants to be biblical.
Yet at the same time we need to recognize that sincere Christians don’t always live by this value perfectly. God’s creation intention has been spoiled by the influence of human sin in our world. So we need to also cultivate an atmosphere of grace, to make our congregation a safe place where people who’ve experienced divorce can find healing and a new start. I’ve never been divorced, but my mom was divorced twice, once when I was four and again when I was twelve. So I know firsthand the pain and suffering a divorce can cause in a family. Few things are as crushing and painful as a failed marriage, whatever the reason why it fails. Divorced people often feel like they’re second class Christians in churches.
We need to be the kind of congregation where people with a past can find hope and healing. That’s why I love our DivorceCare Ministry that helps people walk through the crushing pain of divorce. We need to be a congregation of grace and forgiveness. Yet at the same time we need to continually lift up God’s kingdom value of lifelong fidelity in the midst of that grace.
Now I know I’ve only described this value for you today. Living by this value is another matter entirely. I also know that few things in life are harder than marriage. Let’s face it: Marriage is hard; having a good marriage is even harder. It’s like the lyrics of a Sheryl Crow song: "No one said it would be easy; but no one said it’d be this hard." Chris and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary in November, and I know it’s difficult at times. Every husband and wife will face crossroads where they’re tempted to give up. Chris and I have been through two major storms of difficulty in our marriage, the first at our five year mark and the second at our 17 year mark. There were days when we were in those storms when I honestly didn’t know if we were going to make it. So I don’t want to minimize the difficulty of living out this kingdom value.
In some ways pursuing lifelong fidelity is just as radical as Jesus’ other kingdom values, like forgiving those who wrong you, loving your enemies, and taking up your cross to follow Jesus. Striving for lifelong fidelity is no less radical.
And we want to help you live out this kingdom value. First and foremost we want to help you make sure that you’ve become a follower of Jesus Christ, that you’ve trusted your life to him and confessed him as your Lord. If we can introduce husbands and wives into a living relationship with Jesus Christ, this is the beginning strengthening their marriage. Beyond that being part of a small group can help you, especially a small group that deals with relationship issues. I’d recommend one of our Adult Bible Fellowship Groups that meet during the 9:30 AM service, or one of our midweek home groups we start periodically throughout the year. Our men’s and women’s groups also deal with relationship issues as well. For couples who are in crisis, we have a marriage and family therapist on staff here at the church who offers fee-based counseling. I’ve also listed some resources on your outline to help you work on our marriage.
Now none of these things are guarantees, but each of these steps are steps you can take to strengthen your marriage if you’re married. If you’re single and you’re considering marriage, we provide premarital preparation to help lay a solid foundation.
We live by God’s kingdom values by striving for lifelong fidelity.
2. God’s Kingdom Values With Children (Mark 10:13-16)
Let’s look briefly at how we live by God’s kingdom values with our kids in vv. 13-16. Presumably these are parents bringing their kids to Jesus. Perhaps they were being superstitious and thought if Jesus touched their kids they’d receive a special blessing. Or maybe they just wanted their kids to be exposed to Jesus. Whatever the reason, Jesus’ closest followers stop them. They figured Jesus had more important things to do than hang out with little kids. Jesus gets mad when he hears about it, and he commands his followers to let the kids come to him. He sees in small children a willingness to accept God’s kingdom as a gift, and that’s a model for even adults to emulate.
So here we find this second kingdom value. WE LIVE AS FOLLOWERS OF JESUS BY VALUING CHILDREN AS PERSONS.
In Jesus’ day children were looked upon as property, not persons. Yet in children Jesus sees a person made in the image of God, a person treasured by God. This is why the Christian church has always been on the forefront of protecting children. It’s why most Christians in our nation are against abortion on demand, because it devalues the lives of the children who are destroyed in the womb. It’s why Christians in India have tried to rescue children sold into sexual slavery by their parents. It’s why Christians are opposed to child labor practices and exploitation of children. It’s why the early Christians went out and rescued the babies people discarded in the woods as unwanted.
It’s also why our ministry to children is one of our core ministries here at the church. There’s no group more important to our church’s life and health than our volunteer children’s ministers, because they embody this value.
Again, this text really doesn’t tell us how to value kids. There are other places in the Bible that address the how-to’s. And for parents I recommend the Heritage Builders materials from Focus on the Family. I know our F squared adult bible fellowship group is starting a new series on raising a spiritually strong family. Once you embrace the value, there’s lots of ways to learn the how-tos.
Conclusion
I’ve suggested today that for Christians simply championing traditional family values isn’t enough. That for followers of Jesus Christ, embracing God’s Kingdom values is where we aim our lives. And as followers of Jesus Christ, that’s nowhere more true than it is in our homes with our families. Following Jesus is a full-time gig, not merely an occasional hobby.
I don’t talk about family issues a lot in my sermons. To be honest, I’ve sometimes been reluctant to do that because I feel like I’m still in process in these areas myself. My marriage struggles at times just like many of yours do, and my kids are no different than anyone else’s kids. I find marriage and parenting two of the biggest challenges in my life, and I often fall short. But I’m reminded today that we’re all in process, as we seek to follow and honor Jesus in our lives. And that’s nowhere more true than it is in our family relationships.
