Developing Oneness in Marriage
Marriage Covenant Service
Cornerstone Church
Pastor Gary and Kim Shockley
February 16, 2003
Several couples from our church are fresh out of the Family Life Marriage Seminar this weekend. There were around 180 couples present. Kim and I decided to attend because we wanted to invest the time in making a good marriage better. We’ll be married 23 years this June. We learned that even after 23 years we have to work at having a God-honoring relationship. In all honesty I probably have to work harder at that than Kim does.
Dean shared a story with me about a man who posed this question to his wife one day after an intense argument that he was losing, “How can you be so incredibly beautiful and at the same time so incredibly stupid?” Now at that point I would have been a dead man. But his wife, showing superior wit, replied, “Well, honey, I’m beautiful so that you would love me. I’m stupid so I would love you!”
Marriage is the art of two incompatible people learning to live compatibly.
This morning’s message is focused specifically on what it means to have a God-honoring marriage where true oneness can be experienced and expressed.
This is not about elevating marriage above singleness or to suggest that married people are somehow better off, more spiritual or closer to God than single folks. In fact there’s scripture to suggest just the opposite! In the Apostle Paul’s lengthy teaching on marriage in 1 Corinthians chapter seven he makes this startling remark. “I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others he gives the gift of singleness.” (I Cor. 7:7) Paul believed, from his own personal experience, that it is much easier to serve God if you are single because you don’t have the pressures and concerns of those who are married.
Because so many of us have accepted the gift, and the awesome responsibility, of marriage Hebrews 13:4 tells the church to, “Give honor to marriage.” Because of the increasing pressures against marriage in our culture it takes the commitment of the entire church family to honor and support those who have been gifted with this covenant relationship
Let’s look for just a moment at what the Bible teaches us about marriage:
1. Marriage was God’s idea: “a man leaves his mother and father and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” (Genesis 2:24) Jesus referring back to this passage added, “”Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together.” (Matt. 19:5)
2. Marriage is a metaphor for the relationship between Christ and the church. We read in Ephesians 5:31-32, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united as one. This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.” God-honoring marriages with Christ at the center point the world to the kind of relationship God wants to have with every person! Your marriage is to be a testimony to the world of the love of Christ and the faithfulness of God!
3. Marriage is to be a life-long pursuit of oneness.
(Kim) Right now in the United States 1/3 of all first marriages will end in divorce and nearly fifty person of all married people will experience at least one divorce. And that percentage is the same for those who profess to be born-again Christians. What that tells me is as Christians we are in no way immune from the pain and reality of divorce. Being a Christian doesn’t guarantee a trouble free marriage. All the more reason for a commitment on our parts as a church to a life-long pursuit of oneness. We need to be praying for our married brothers and sisters in Christ.
In the wedding services I lead there is usually the lighting of the unity candle. The couples pick up their separate lighted tapers and together light the center candle to symbolize their oneness. I leave it up to them but usually suggest that once they light the unity candle they blow out their individual tapers. I’ll never forget one wedding where the couple had decided ahead of time to leave their tapers burning. As soon as the groom put his burning taper back in the holder and turned around to face the congregation his blushing bride leaned over and blew his candle out. Everyone chuckled. I remembered someone saying at the reception, “during the ceremony the two may have become one—but I think during the honeymoon they’ll discover which one.”
What does it mean to strive for “oneness” in the Biblical sense? This is a little tricky because we tend in our culture to equate feelings with love. We’ve been taught that love is something we “feel” toward the other. As long as we feel loving toward each other in our marriage we’re okay. But what happens when I lose the feeling of love-even temporarily? I know there are times when Kim may not “feel” love toward me. Like when I leave my clothes all over the bedroom floor or forget to do something she’s asked me to do a dozen times, or when I’m so focused on myself and my needs I completely neglect her. How do you feel love toward someone so unlovely?
Oneness, which is healthy and biblical, may begin with “feeling” love but it grows from there. It requires both action and sacrifice. Kim and I want to share what we’ve learned are the B.E.S.T. ways to nurture oneness:
1. B- Bless each other. The word “bless” comes from the Greek “eulogia” which means, “to speak well of”.
Proverbs 15:23 says, “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!”
We tend to do this well when we’re first dating. We can’t say enough good things to and about each other. What we can’t say face to face we write in mushy love letters. (50-foot love letter excerpts)
To bless each other means we speak well:
1. About each other (to friends and family)
2. To each other (in casual conversation and in arguments)
3. Through action- “Actions speak louder than words” (examples)
2. E- Encourage each other. To encourage means to “build up”.
“Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Eph. 4:29 Sometimes it’s much easier to build up a friend, a colleague or even a complete stranger than it is to build up our spouse!
We should be our spouse’s greatest cheerleader!
(Kim) I’m not very good at change. When Gary took me to the House of Chen to tell me he felt God was calling him to start a new church in Cranberry – I nearly fainted. It is no surprise that we haven’t yet been back to that restaurant! But I could hear in his voice and see in his eyes that he knew this was the step God wanted him to take. So I encouraged and helped strategize – and here we are!
God has gifted my spouse and called her to His service and He expects me to do everything I can to help her reach her fullest potential!
3. Submit to each other. If there’s ever a scripture that’s been trounced on it’s Ephesians 5 where Paul talks about husbands being the head of his wife and wives submitting to their husband. Unfortunately we want to move right past verse 21 to get to that good stuff. Paul writes in verse 21, “You will submit yourself to one another out of reverence for Christ.” And in verse 33, “each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
Oneness is mutual submission! Men, we have to put to death our own selfish and egocentric traits to focus intently on the needs of our wives! Our Men’s Group on Wednesday mornings is studying the book, “Every Women’s Desire”. It’s an eye opening study! We agreed that for us men to submit to our wives feels a lot like trying to breath underwater. We fight our natural bent to be self-centered and self-indulgent! It’s a real struggle for us because the media either paints us as bullies running roughshod over our wives and children or as absolute buffoons who are clueless about everything!
(Kim) Women…God wired us a little easier for submission. We are usually nurturing by nature, and it is often easier to allow someone else to carry the weight of decision-making. The tricky part is not becoming a doormat in the process, but allowing God to work through us to lovingly influence and shape our husbands into the men God intends. This means no “I told you so” or “You should have”. Perhaps a “Why don’t we try…” or “How about…”!
4. T- treasure each other!
A golden anniversary party was thrown to honor an elderly couple. The husband was so moved by the occasion he wanted to tell his wife and all their guests just how he felt about her. She was very hard of hearing, however, and often had to have things repeated until she understood. The cheerful husband stood to toast his wife, “My dear wife, after fifty years I’ve found you tried and true!” Everyone smiled. But his wife said, “Eh?” He repeated it loudly, “AFTER FIFTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE I’VE FOUND YOU TRIED AND TRUE!” His wife harrumphed and shot back, “Well, let me tell you something mister—after fifty years I’m tired of you too!”
(Kim) Wouldn’t it be great to get to fifty years still treasuring this gift God gave you in your spouse? Who wouldn’t want to experience such joy! It begins now by finding ways to cherish each other.
Men, according to a recent survey 84% of women feel they don’t have intimacy (oneness) in their marriages. A large majority of female divorcees say their married years were the loneliest of their lives. God has called us to love our wives as ourselves and to lay down our lives that we might be one with them.
(Kim) Women, it is important to find ways to let your husband know that you treasure him. My spiritual gifts are administration and teaching. Mercy and helps are far down on my list. So Gary has learned over the years that when I remember to bring him water when he is mowing the grass – it is a big deal and I am treasuring him.
You want to experience oneness in your marriage? Bless your spouse. Tell them and others how much he/she means to you. Encourage your spouse. Be his or her greatest cheerleader! Submit yourself to him/her really wanting to put their needs above your own. Treasure them as the gift God intended them to be in your life!
Service of Renewal- (with couples standing and facing each other; husbands then wives)
In the name of God, and with a thankful heart, I once again declare that I take you to be my wife (husband), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.
Blessing of Rings-
The rings we wear are the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace, signifying to us the oneness between Jesus Christ and His Church.
Bless, O Lord, the wearing of these rings that they who wear them may bless, encourage and submit to each other, treasuring each other as a gift from God all the days of their lives; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Let us affirm our oneness with a kiss…
Congregation’s Affirmation of God-honoring relationships-
We, the congregation of Cornerstone Church, believe that marriage is a gifted covenant intended by God to be a life-long journey of oneness between a man and a woman. We believe that it is through the covenant of marriage that God desires to bring wholeness to families. We vow to God, each other, our families, and our community to wholeheartedly support and encourage all married couples; helping them remain steadfast in unconditional love, oneness and sexual purity.
We also affirm the gift of singleness and the treasured friendships intended to strengthen us in God-honoring ways. We affirm the unique opportunities our single brothers and sisters have to serve God. We vow to God, each other, and our community to wholeheartedly support all singles, helping them remain steadfast in their love of God, their oneness in Christ and their sexual purity.
