Preventive Maintenance for Relationships
James 1:19-21
By far the most difficult problem in relationships is poor communication. Whether we are talking about marriages, parenting, business, team sports, you name it. The one area that is most often tagged as the culprit in relational difficulties is poor communication. Sometimes examples of such communication are ridiculously funny.
The Massachusetts Bar Association Journal printed the following questions actually asked of witnesses during a trial.
Were you alone or by yourself?
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was he male or female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Communication is at once the most rewarding and the most risky aspect of relationships. How we communicate with one another makes all the difference in the world when it comes to the quality of our relationships.
It is not surprising that such a critical aspect of life would be clearly addressed in the Bible. As we come to James 1:19-21, we are given wise counsel from God’s word about communication. It amounts to some preventive medicine for relationships. Following these inspired instructions from James will help us prevent relationship wrecks before they happen. James calls us to “take note” of this.
I. Adopt an attitude that helps relationships.
This attitude is characterized by three principles.
A. Let everyone be quick to listen.
1. Not just quick to hear – quick to listen.
2. Listening involves not just the syllables and words. It
involves hearing the heart.
3. A person who has truly listened ought to be able to repeat
the message back to the speaker with clear understanding.
4. Let me give you a proverb. Prov. 18:13 “He who answers
before listening, that is his folly and his shame.”
5. When we fail to listen, all kinds of problems occur. We
misinterpret, we jump to conclusions, we demonstrate a
lack of respect for the other person.
ILL: Erik Wiehenmayer reached the summit of Mt. Everest on May 25, 2001. 90% of the climbers who attempt this feat fail. 165 had died trying since 1953. That is amazing in itself. What makes Erik’s climb even more amazing is that he has been blind since he was 13. How did he succeed? Because he listened well. He listened for a bell tied to the back of the climber in front of him. He listened for instructions of team mates who would shout directions to him. He listened for the sound of his pick jabbing the ice to know whether it was safe to cross. He made the summit because he listened well.
APP: You and I will never enjoy the panoramic vistas our relationships have to offer if we don’t become good listeners. There is a husband or wife here today who could dramatically improve their marriage if they would practice listening. There is a parent or child who could enter a new level of love and trust if they would listen. There are brothers and sisters in Christ here today who by listening could come to understand one another and strengthen their relationships. Dietrich Boenhoffer said, “He who can no longer listen to his brother will soon no longer be listening to God.” Let us all be quick to listen.
B. Let everyone be slow to speak.
1. This is the flip side of being quick to listen. We cannot talk
and listen at the same time.
2. This implies a thoughtful and prayerful response rather than
a quick, emotional response.
3. James does not tell us to be silent. He says be slow to
speak. We need to speak or there is no conversation.
But we need to speak wisely and thoughtfully.
4. Here is a proverb, Prov. 12:18 – “Reckless words pierce
like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
ILL: Our first response is normally to talk, not to listen. We say things before we even think about what we are saying.
APP: How often have I embarrassed myself and misled others because I was slow to listen and quick to speak? There is an old saying that goes like this: God gave us two ears and one mouth that we may listen twice as much as we speak. We need to be like the person who prayed:
Lord, help us not to talk too much because talking too much is like driving too fast; sometimes the brakes aren’t good and we pass by the place where we intended to stop.
James tells us be slow to speak.
TS – A healthy attitude for relationships is one of respectful listening and respectful responses…Quick to listen, slow to speak. Now, would you notice another important preventive principle…
II. Avoid the anger that harms relationships.
A. Let everyone be slow to get angry.
1. The focus here is on our emotional response to others. We
must control our tendency to get angry.
2. James understood that people sometimes do and say things
that wound us. When that happens, our feelings get hurt, we
get defensive, we get angry.
3. Anger is poison to relationships. We must master it and
not allow it to get out of control.
ILL: We are living in a culture that is increasingly angry. We have road rage, airplane rage, grocery store rage. We have little league parents beating and even killing people at sporting events. In 1997, pilots and flight attendants reported 66 incidents with unruly passengers. In 1999, there were 534 such incidents.
Professor James Gabarino of Cornell University comments on this social shift:
There is a general breakdown of social conventions, of manners, of social controls. This gives a validation, a permission, to be aggressive. Kids used to be guided by a social convention that said, “keep the lid on.” Today they are guided more in the direction of taking it off.
APP: Compare that to what the Word of God says. Culture may say it is OK to lose it and go off on people. God says don’t do it. Our culture is increasingly quick to get angry. God’s Word says be slow to get angry. Does the slightest inconvenience set you off? If your spouse is a little short with you do you go ballistic? If someone at work doesn’t respond just the way you think they should, do you start to seethe? Such a short fuse is a relationship killer.
B. Man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God
desires.
1. James gives us a good reason why we need to control anger.
2. Our anger does not conform to righteous living. Consider the
examples from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount which could
very well be the background from which James writes. How
did Jesus tell us to respond in situations that might generate
anger?
a. If hit on one cheek, turn the other cheek.
b. If a man wants your tunic, give him your cloak too.
c. If forced to go one mile, go a second mile.
APP: Think about the distorting and destructive effects of anger.
Anger takes the scalpel of correction and turns it into the ax of criticism. Anger takes discipline which builds up and turns it into abuse which tears down. Anger turns a person inward to the point where the only thing that matters is their feelings and their cause.
Far from encouraging righteousness, anger takes us into the arena of the fool. Listen to what Proverbs tells us about anger.
A quick-tempered man does foolish things…14:17
A quick-tempered man displays folly…14:29
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension…15:18
TS – So, we are to adopt an attitude that helps relationships and avoid the anger that harms relationships. Finally see that James tells us…
III. Accept the Word that heals relationships.
A. Get rid of evil which is so prevalent.
1. We must put off or get rid of the evil associated
with the old, pre-conversion life.
2. The term “moral filth” refers to a stain. When used
with the term “get rid of” it presents a clear picture.
The believer is to put off evil like a stained article of
clothing.
3. This language is reflected elsewhere in the NT.
a. Eph. 4:22, 25, 31
b. 1 Pet. 2:1
B. Accept the word which can save you.
1. Accept means to receive. We are to put off evil and
receive the Word of God.
2. The Word is planted in us. God planted it there. As
James tells us in 1:18, we are given spiritual birth by
the Word of God. Thus, the gospel of Christ takes
root in our hearts.
3. We are to receive this word with humility. In
contrast to an angry, defensive posture, we are to
accept the Word of God with a submissive, humble
heart. It is an obedient heart.
4. The Word of God is the instrument of salvation. One
hears the gospel, responds in faith, and is saved.
APP: Now, what does this have to do with relationships and communication? Well, I think it has a great deal to do with it. First of all, the Word of God brings healing to the most important relationship of all – man’s relationship with God. The power of God’s Word brings man into right relationship with God. When we hear the gospel and respond in faith, we are saved. We are reconciled to God.
After this relationship is established, the Word of God then has the power to heal human relationships. If you and I humbly accept the Word of God and obey it, it will change our relationships at home, at work, at church, and every part of life. If we will submit our attitudes and actions to the Word of God, our relationships cannot help but improve.
CONCLUSION:
A wise person once said, “An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.” How true that is when it comes to relationships. Isn’t it better to practice biblical principles in relationships and avoid the train wrecks which anger and selfishness cause?
Will you begin to practice the Word of God in the way you relate to others? Will you be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry? Will you put off evil attitudes and practices and humbly accept the Word of God?
May God help us to adopt an attitude that helps relationships. May God help us to avoid the anger that harms relationships. May God help us to accept the Word that heals relationships.
