Starting the Engine to Begin
How to Forgive from the Heart – Matthew 18:21-35
Preached at the Laurel Church of Christ
On January 15, 2003
Introduction:
I. There is an interesting story about Robert E. Lee after the civil war.
A. Lee visited a Kentucky lady who took him to the remains of a grand old tree in front of her house.
B. There she bitterly cried that its limbs and trunk had been destroyed by Federal artillery fire.
C. She looked to Lee for a word condemning the North or at least sympathizing with her loss.
D. After a brief silence, Lee said, “Cut it down, madam, and forget it.
E. It is better to forgive the injustices of the past than to allow them to remain, let bitterness take root, and poison the rest of our life.”
II. Our minds are funny pieces of our body.
A. They must in order to function predict the upcoming movement.
1. For example when you sit up on your bed, your mind needs to predict if your feet are going to touch the floor. If not they need to know how far from the bed they are going to be.
2. Our minds need to predict the simple everyday events so that we can function appropriately.
B. Our minds must also protect themselves from threat.
1. The mind protects itself in a way similar to how the body protects itself from threat.
a. When you have a sore finger, your mind will find interesting ways to keep that finger out of danger’s way.
b. Imagine reorganizing your life to protect yourself from physical pain.
2. Well we often reorganize our life to protect ourselves from social pain.
a. We avoid thoughts, images and situations that might lead to feeling those emotions.
b. The unconscious mind protects itself out of fear and pride.
III. Jesus at this point in Matthew is dealing with something very important to our eternal life.
A. His concept is that unless we come to him as innocent as children in our faith, we have no hope of receiving the Kingdom.
B. We have to work against our natural tendencies of burying hurts for future events, and instead rid ourselves of the garbage of conditional forgiveness.
IV. We are getting ready to begin our journey to Destination: Forgiveness.
A. In order to reach the targeted goal we have got to prepare the vehicle properly before pulling out of the driveway.
B. We have our roadmaps; now it is time to check the oil, tire pressure, and fuel level.
C. Let’s find out what Jesus says about forgiving from the heart.
Body:
I. Unconditional Forgiveness (Verses 21-22)
A. Matthew 18:21-22 “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.””
B. Peter hears the previous words and asks a pertinent question, “How many time should I forgive someone?’
1. Seven times right.
a. To a man as determined, as Peter seven times seemed a fair and just number for anyone.
b. He might be willing to forgive seven times, but on the eighth watch out. (Something called conditional forgiveness)
2. Even as children we understand this very concept.
a. When we would get in trouble around the house for example.
b. “Ely quit picking on your sister and pulling you hair. That’s number one.”
c. “Ely I said that is enough. That’s two.”
d. “This next time though, Ely is much more cautious about what he does.”
e. But it is not an hour later that little Yvonne is running to mom.
f. Than we all know the Cosby line, “Just wait until you dad gets home.”
3. Oh boy watch out when Peter forgives seven times. The eighth is going to be bad.
a. Two brothers, Harry and James, were playing right before bedtime, and somehow Harry hit James with a stick.
b. Tears and bitter words followed and they were still angry as their mother prepared them for bed.
c. Mother said, “Now James, before you go to bed you’re going to have to forgive you brother.”
d. James though for a moment and then replied, “Well okay, I’ll forgive him tonight, but if I don’t die in the night, he’d better look out in the morning.”
4. Conditional Forgiveness
C. Jesus said, “Seventy times seven.”
1. Which was not meant to be an exact number but a figurative number meaning forgiving for infinity or forever.
2. Implying that we should unconditionally, completely, totally, absolutely forgive our oppressor.
D. How can we forgive completely?
1. To forgive we must change our mental and emotional experience.
a. This is not as easy as simply deciding to forgive or having one emotional experience of forgiveness or having one memory transformed dramatically.
b. Changing requires that we transform our thoughts, images, emotions and memories.
2. Moving from unforgiveness to forgiveness requires courage.
a. In order for each of us to completely forgive we have got to have courage.
b. To go against what our minds are telling each second what not to do, and we have go against the grain in order to practice forgiveness.
c. It takes courage.
3. Forgiveness does not happen all at once.
a. A person does not tear down all of their protective walls at once.
b. One wall at a time must be taken down and that will take time.
c. In order to tear down the walls remember to enact empathy against those wall of unforgiveness
d. John might learn to imagine his father pointing out the frozen steak that he missed, and then John might imagine himself criticizing his own son.
e. By connecting his prototypical image of his father with an empathetic image of himself, John might lose some of his bitterness.
4. Forgiveness is not just destruction
a. Forgiveness is not simply tearing down walls, but building new structures.
b. Forgiveness as a rational decision reprograms the mind, replacing the old reasoning with new.
c. You are destroying walls and building bridges.
5. All in search of unconditional forgiveness.
II. Practical Conditional Forgiveness (Verses 23-34)
A. Matthew 18:23-34 “"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. "The servant fell on his knees before him. ’Be patient with me,’ he begged, ’and I will pay back everything.’” The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ’Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ’Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. ’You wicked servant,’ he said, ’I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.”
B. The king of this parable brought before him people that owed a debt.
1. On man owed 10,000 talents, but couldn’t pay the king.
a. Out of mercy that king took away his debt and sent him on his way.
b. It would be like each of us owing 10 million dollars to God.
c. There is no way that we could repay that amount.
d. God then sees our problem and shows mercy by forgiving the debt.
2. But not long after being shown great mercy the same debtor goes to his servants and demands his retribution.
a. He shows no forgiveness but begins to strangle his servant.
b. This servant begged for mercy and time, but the man did not give it.
c. Other servants saw the events and reported them to the king.
d. The man shown mercy by the king was not shown mercy twice.
e. This time he was thrown into the dungeon.
3. The only way we are going to free ourselves from the bonds of bitterness is to forgive those who have wronged us.
4. On the evening of April 25, 1958, a terrible tragedy happened on the campus of the University of Pennsylvania.
a. A young Korean exchange student, a leader in student Christian affairs, left his apartment and went to the corner to mail a letter to his parents in Korea.
b. As he turned back from the mailbox, he stepped into the path of 11 leather-jacketed teenage boys.
c. Without a word, the attacked him, beating him with a blackjack, a lead pipe and even with their shoes and fists.
d. Later that evening, the police found this Korean boy in the gutter…he was dead.
e. All Philadelphia cried out for vengeance. The DA gave legal authority for the boys to be tried as adults, so they could be given the death penalty.
f. Then shortly before the trial, a letter arrived from Korea addressed to the DA.
1.) The parents and 20 other relatives of the murdered boy signed it.
2.) It read in part: “Our family has met together and we have decided to petition that the most generous treatment possible within the laws of your government be given to those who have committed this criminal action.
3.) In order to give evidence of our sincere hope contained in this petition, we have decided to save money to start a fund to be used for the religious, educational, vocational, and social guidance of the boys when they are released…We have dared to express our hope with a spirit received from the gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ who died for our sins.”
g. Unconditional Forgiveness
III. Motivation to Completely Forgive (Verse 35)
A. Matthew 18:35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
B. How is that we can wholeheartedly forgive our oppressor when our minds work against the process in order to protect us from further hurt?
1. The authors of “To Forgive Is Human,” say the following:
a. Forgiveness involves repentance (change) and transformation in several other domains of our personality
b. To forgive we must change our memory.
c. To forgive we must improve our empathy.
d. To forgive we must change our motivations to help others.
e. To forgive we must change the stories that we tell ourselves about how we fit in the world.
2. What if we forgave and forgot?
a. Wouldn’t that make us a doormat to any abuse anyone else ever dealt out?
b. Some people may not want to forgive, because they feel the anger and resentment they hold onto empowers them.
1.) We also may not want to forgive because by forgetting we spoil our tragic self-image.
2.) In Charles Dickens novel Great Expectations, Pip, when still a lad, meets Miss Havisham. Miss Havisham is a woman whose heart has been broken, so she has become arrested in space and time, held forever in the past by memories. She was half dressed when she found that her fiancé had rejected her. So she sat for years half dressed for her wedding, with the clocks stopped at twenty minutes until nine. Dark, distressed, disturbed, distorted, decaying, Miss Havisham doesn’t want to forget. She introduces herself to Pip like this:
”Do you know what I touch here?” She asked, laying her hands, one upon the other, on her left side.
“Yes, ma’am…”
“What do I touch.”
“Your heart.”
“Broken!”
Her broken heart screams for revenge – on men.
Miss Havisham has adopted a beautiful orphan, Estella, and has reared her to break the hearts of men. Estella is an expert. She captivates Pip’s heart and, near the end of the novel, reveals to Pip that she is going to marry another – Brentley Drummle, a brute – thus denying herself to worthier men, as Miss Havisham has trained her.
Pip is crushed, but not thinking of himself he begs Estella not to throw herself away on Drummle – to no avail. Says Estella: “You will get me out of your thoughts in a week.”
“Out of my thoughts! You are part of my existence, part of myself. …Estella, to the last hour of my life you cannot choose but remain part of my character, part of the little good in me…”
Miss Havisham, as she watches in horror Estella’s cruel rejection of Pip, unconsciously lays her hand on her heart and keeps them there. By seeing Pip’s pain, she emphatically begins to feel pain in her broken heart once again. She sees here need for forgiveness for what she has made of Estella – and perhaps her need for forgiveness for what she has made of Estella – and perhaps her need to forgive the man who, many hears before hurt her.
c. To put a painful memory behind you, you must act.
1.) You must make a conscious decision.
2.) The memory won’t conveniently slip your mind overnight.
3.) You can’t forget painful hurts, and trying to do so usually fails.
C. The irony with our painful memories is they are not very accurate.
1. Some interesting statistics
a. People who were asked how “frequently” they had headaches reported three times as many headaches as people who were asked how “occasionally” they had headaches.
b. People who were asked “How long was the movie?” answered, on the average, 130 minutes, but people who were asked “How short was the movie?” answered, on average, 100 minutes
2. Long-term memory is more like growing successive generation of plants, each of which differs from the last, though it shares the genetic make-up of the previous generation.
a. Each time a person remembers a memory he/she is growing another generation of a plant.
b. The seeds of bitterness or forgiveness influence the person’s later memories of the events.
3. The Bible’s key to having healthy memories is focus.
a. The captivity of Israel could have forged a national consciousness of the Jews as a servile people.
b. Yet the Bible focuses not on the many years of Jewish slavery but on God’s action in liberating the Jews from slavery.
c. In the Passover celebrated every year, the Jews tell the story of God’s liberating power.
d. They focus not on the slavery, but on the amazing power of God to work through those events.
e. They focus on God’s victories, not the hardships they endured through the wilderness.
f. They focused on entering the Promised Land, not the years of war after the got there.
D. Learning to forgive by changing a memory
1. Focus on what is true.
2. Recall a specific memory as vividly as possible
3. Develop empathy for the one who hurt you.
4. Imagine, feel and think how forgiveness would change the memory.
5. Realize that forgiveness takes time.
6. Consider whether reconciliation is possible and desirable.
Conclusion:
I. We can never really forget past hurts.
A. It is pointless and counterproductive to try. But we can change our memories
B. As Lewes and Smedes has said so eloquently, “You enslave yourself to your own painful past, and by fastening yourself to the past, you let your hate become your future. You can reverse your future only by releasing other people from their pasts.”
C. Putting aside the old ways of remembering our hurts is the repentance that helps us to forgive.
II. And by doing so we can become unconditional forgivers that freely forgive from the heart.
A. Then we can forgive like Jesus wants us to. Not seven times, but as many times as it takes.
B. Then we will no longer be like the oppressive Lord that got thrown into prison.
C. And then our eternal destiny will be fixed, as it should.
D. Then those words in Matthew 18:35 will not scare us, but encourage us.
