Throughout the past 55+ years I have walked with the Savior, one lesson continues to prove itself day by day - the more I learn about Jesus, I discover how little I really know and how much more I NEED to know! It never ceases to amaze me that every time I think I have reached a pinnacle of success in my faith walk, or I can now relax a little, something comes along and reminds me how much I still have yet to learn!
One decade in particular it was really rough. There was a year that left my family reeling from the financial effects of a stock market crash and a frivolous lawsuit that took way too much time and money to defend ourselves. So, we were kind of hoping that things would get better.
In November, prior to that year, my wife was the victim of a malicious virus that lasted two months. Most people would have gotten through it without any major concerns but my wife had kidney problems as a result of a debilitating auto immune disease. Twenty-five years earlier, while we were engaged to be married, she was given seven years to live and miraculously, to the amazement of the Doctors, her was still alive and kicking. However, a virus took a heavy toll on her body and both kidneys failed. She had become very sick just after Christmas and went to the hospital immediately to start dialysis. She had to go through five peritoneal dialysis sessions a day, seven days a week for a few weeks, then three machine sessions a week until the end of her life. Needless to say, it totally changed the way we lived, permeating every minute detail of our day-to-day existence.
During those first months of the following year, I had some physical problems that greatly concerned me for fear that cancer had returned after beating it over 15 years previously. It took weeks and weeks of testing and finally a surgery date was set for mid-May. I ultimately had the surgery and was given a clean bill of health.
In between all the testing and doctor visits for the both of us I got into a car accident. I was unharmed but my pristine 21-year-old Italian sports car was totaled. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my daughter’s life was threatened by a stalker and we lived under that threat for months.
In May of that year, my father was the victim of a terrible accident. My Mom and Dad were visiting friends who lived a few hundred miles from their home in Oregon. My Dad had gone out into the carport to get something out of the car and bring it back into the house. There were three doors in a row on the back wall to choose from, one led to a washroom, another into a downstairs basement, and the last back into the house that was full of laughter, warmth, and love. He somehow chose the door that led into the basement. As he opened the door inward he stepped into the darkness and immediately lost his footing due to the first step starting just below the doorsill. He tried desperately to grab onto something to stop his fall but the stairs had no handrail. He fell head-first onto the concrete floor 10 feet below.
He was flown by Life Flight to a Trauma Hospital 200 miles away. He remained on life support for a few weeks but just a few days before Father’s Day he lost his valiant struggle to regain consciousness and passed on into the next life. He taught me the true meaning of commitment and what it means to be a father, a husband, and a provider, not just in words spoken but also by how he lived. Words can’t express how greatly he is missed.
A month or so later my wife had to have an operation to try and create a good artery for use as a back-up vessel in the event of needing emergency hemodialysis. They opened up her right arm from elbow to wrist and moved a large “good” vessel underneath her arm to the top of her arm, which left a Frankensteinish scar. The “new” vessel stopped working after a few days.
Because dialysis pulls both toxins and nutrients out of the body, my wife had nerve problems and muscle control problems. Her eyes would cross unexpectantly so she couldn't see at times, which made driving very interesting! They gave her different drugs which caused many side effects, one of which caused what appeared to be a stroke accompanied by mental disorientation and sheer terror, similar to what I have seen with Alzheimer patients I have worked with.
The day that happened I received a call from my wife. She was extremely upset and almost incoherent. I could sense the confusion in her frightened voice. I rushed out of the office pretty shook up. The last time I felt that way was years before when the hospital called me where my wife was in intensive care and told me to get over there right away as they didn’t think she was going to make it.
The pressures from all of this were immense - my emotions were on a roller coaster ride. I felt like a scuba diver lost deep in the darkness of an underwater cave and running out of air! I was so beaten down that the highest I could reach up was to “touch the hem of" Jesus "garment” (Matthew 14:36).
Later that day after it was determined what had caused the dementia, and she was out of harm’s way, I spent the rest of another night in prayer with the Lord, this time pressing in really hard. In desperation I cried out to Him and told Him that all that had been happening had finally pushed me over the edge and I just couldn’t take any more.
To my astonishment I received an immediate response, “Good!” I heard the Lord say, “I have been waiting for you to cast ALL your burdens and cares upon Me! You were over the edge a long time ago, but you just wouldn’t admit it. Now I can give you ALL of My strength and lead you into My rest.” That really threw me! However, since then I have given up trying to maintain being “strong.” As a result, I continue to experience HUGE amounts of peace and comfort beyond comprehension. One of the amazing results that continues since that day is that the cares of this world stopped meaning much to me.
Weeks later, while again in prayer, I suddenly saw myself standing with Jesus as He led me down a brilliantly white hallway towards three identical doors. I was pretty frightened as the painful memory of my Dad’s tragic choice was still fresh. As we walked down the hallway the light of the Lord’s glory permeated the path before me and it gave me comfort. It helped me to overcome my fear and apprehension of what dark and foreboding thing lurked behind the doors ahead. As we stepped in front of the middle door He asked me to open it. I hesitated at first as my fear of the unknown still lingered. However, because He was standing right beside me, I found the courage to open it. Adrenaline surged through my body as I took hold of the doorknob.
As the door opened the warmth of glowing white light penetrated my being. In a split second I saw the source of the light. It was Jesus! He was already in the room waiting for me! I instantly realized that there was no need to fear the unknown and the uncertainty of the future because His glorious presence would always be there to penetrate and destroy all fear! Light is His shadow! How wonderful it is to know we serve a God whose love is so brilliant that no darkness can penetrate it!
Abiding in His presence everyday has tempered my discontent with this world, for I long to be a reflection of His marvelous light, so that those in darkness will be drawn to His transcendent glory. That is what gives me the strength and power to deal with the day-to-day cares and concerns. It is truly all about Him.
Just before Christmas that same year, I was fired (aka: church speak = transitioned) from my ministry position. I had become so heavenly minded I was no earthy good as I just wanted to spend all my time in prayer and worship rather than focus on the nuts and bolts business side of ministry.
Since that year, I don't have the strength or stamina to deal with virtually anything of this world and I’m too tired to fight any of its battles. I want to be a warrior of the Spirit and not of the flesh. I learned to lay everything at the feet of Jesus and leave it with Him each new day. In doing so I also learned that you first must die before you can experience the power of the Resurrection. And before you die, you must experience your own Garden of Gethsemene - "Not My will but Your's be done."
I was forced to throw myself upon the Rock to be broken, and continue to do so willingly. Each time I do it, I am broken into smaller and smaller pieces as my old nature is spilled out before Him. An amazing thing continues to happen, the more of myself that is poured out - the more I am filled with His power! Every day, I become even more desperately lovesick for Him. I must have MORE of Jesus and LESS of me. The more time I spend in worship the less I want anything else for I would rather be in His presence than anywhere else.
I now understand why the church isn’t experiencing renewal and revival - it isn’t dead! It hasn’t died in its self-serving ways. We have convoluted the Great Commission by thinking about what Jesus can do for us, not what we can do for Him. We have built worship services and sermon series around what people want to hear, not what God wants to say. We have become more sensitive to the spiritual seeker than sensitive to God. Churches have become convalescent homes for Christians. We seek new manifestations of the Holy Spirit. We flock after "new" teachings. We want the “power of the resurrection” but not the “fellowship of His sufferings” (Philippians 3:10).
The primary purpose of the Church isn’t to meet the needs of people - it’s about worshipping God! Our God is calling us to have an intimate and vibrant loving relationship with Himself. Our learning must be from Him and not just about Him. We must begin to work with Him, and not just for Him! We must learn to lead from our knees for it is the only place where we can overcome the challenges of each new day!
True transformation comes about as a result of a deep hunger for God just as a helpless infant cries out and doesn’t care where they are or who hears them cry when they’re hungry. We must become desperate in our worship for the bread of Heaven.
We must present the risen, living Savior in all His glory and majesty. The riches of His kindness, tolerance and patience will lead people to repentance (Romans 2:4). Jesus said that when He is “lifted up” He will “draw all men” to Himself (John 12:32). It is the responsibility of the Church to see that Jesus is lifted up so that the whole world will be drawn to Him.
Many churches are lifting Him up and they are showing record growth. But the Jesus they proclaim is often just the “gift giver”- or the “blessing giver”- or the “wealth maker”- or the “peace provider” – or the “great healer,” all of which He is, but they fail to lift up the battered, bruised, beaten and bloody body of the crucified Lord of lords and King of kings who shows us by His own example that we first must die before we can be revived. As long as we continue attempting to meet our own needs, we will only be confronted by our sinfulness. We must become desperate for Him and lose our life by dying to self before we can find His life (Matthew 10:39).
That particular year was definitely tough for my family and it continued slowly on into a downward spiral until my wife finally graduated from this life to spend eternity with Jesus 12 years later. Throughout that time I had to constantly fight off feeling like a caged animal pacing back and forth behind bars, longing for its freedom by going deeper into Jesus.
No one really knows if the next door they open will hurl them into eternity. I haven’t got a clue as to what the future holds for me except this one great promise of Jesus, "I will never fail you. I will never forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5 NLT). To this day, I continue to experience the eternal truth that the proof of God's presence is peace permeating every problem.
One thing that I do know for certain, beyond any shadow of a doubt, is that my ultimate destiny is to forever stand in the presence of Jesus and gaze upon His beauty for all eternity (Psalm 27:4). My prayer is that He would establish affection and holiness in the heart of His Bride so that she would become fascinated with nothing else, and no one else, but Jesus, and find herself becoming a hopelessly lovesick worshipper of Love Himself.
