Introductory Discussion
The relationship of marriage seems to be a pretty popular topic here at Padstow, with goodness knows how many engagements we have at the moment and maybe some more to come if what I see going on is any indication.
And this is a really good thing. The lifelong commitment of a man and his wife to each other is something special. God created marriage to bring joy and blessing to men and women, and to be the basis of a safe nurturing environment in which children can grow up. He intends for Christian marriages to be models of the gospel to the world around us, demonstrating in living reality the love of Christ.
You don’t get that impression from the world today, though, do you?
You don’t get the impression that marriage is something special when you read Dolly or Girlfriend or Cosmopolitan or Ralph or Men’s Health and get all the low down on how to jump from bed to bed without any second thoughts.
You don’t get the impression that marriage is something special when you look at the simple facts that in Australia today the average marriage only lasts for ten years and that 40% of all marriages end up in divorce. In the USA, which tends to be ahead of Australia by a few years in such things, the divorce rate has already reached 50%. Society has made it acceptable for people to live together without marrying, but for those who are silly enough to tie the knot it is easy to get out of it – why, in the US there is even one law firm that provides for people to do their divorce paperwork over the internet!
If you base your impression of marriage from the world around us you would get the idea that it is both optional and dispensable, rather than special.
My message tonight is that it shouldn’t be that way and that it doesn’t have to be that way for you. We Christians can and should fight back against the world’s way of doing things. Let’s not be squeezed into the patterns of behaviour that are modelled by those around us. Rather, let us be transformed by Christ and model to the world a far more excellent way.
1) We need a transformed attitude to marriage.
Although the attitude of the world around us is that marriage is optional and dispensable, God’s attitude to marriage is that it is essential. In fact, one of the first things the Bible talks about is the relationship between a man and a woman that we call “marriage”. From the very beginning, God has provided this relationship as a special expression of our humanity.
We human beings have been made with the need for, and the capacity to enjoy, relationships – both with God and each other. That’s a part of what the Bible means when it says that we are “made in the image of God” and it is why humanity has two genders. Adam was created first, but humanity wasn’t complete until Eve was also on the scene. “Male and female He created them”.
Jesus referred to these words in His teaching, too. In rejecting a free and easy attitude to divorce that had become common among the Jews of his day, He confirmed that God’s original and ideal purpose for men and women is the special relationship of marriage and that God’s intention was that this should be for life. “What God has joined, let no one separate”, was what He said (Matthew 19).
I need to make it clear at this point that I am talking about big picture things here, about the ideal that God has in mind. I am sensitive to the possibility that some of you have been affected by divorce. I am aware how painful and difficult that is. More importantly, so does God. I think that the church has often lacked compassion and grace in this respect, having been far too black and white about divorce in the past. God’s word does recognise the fact that, in this fallen, sinful world, sometimes two people can end up together in a relationship that is anything but one that “God has joined”. It is clear that under certain circumstances divorce is permitted in the Bible. Nothing I am saying, though it is quite “hard line” about general attitudes and principles, should be interpreted as me saying that God is not compassionate and merciful towards you in your personal circumstances.
What I am hard line about is what Jesus was hard line about – a free and easy attitude that means that marriage is devalued and degraded. You see, in treating marriage as optional and dispensable, our society is really treating US as optional and dispensable too. A free and easy attitude to divorce is really saying to you and to me that we don’t matter enough to make it hard for someone to walk out on us; it is saying to our kids that they don’t matter enough to make it hard for one of their parents to walk out the door. The decay of society’s attitude to marriage means that we are becoming less human by the day.
That’s why we need the transformed attitude that comes from the Bible, where we have presented to us the ideal that marriage is a lifelong relationship, created by God and endorsed by Jesus as a special expression of our humanity.
The second transformation in our attitude to marriage that we need is to start to see marriage as a special relationship of loving intimacy.
It says in Genesis that God created human beings as both male and female because “it is not good for a man to be alone.” Although there is so much in all of creation for individuals to enjoy, yet it was only in the union of the man and the woman that each found truly intimate companionship and support.
Marriage is described as a relationship in which a man is united with his wife. Older versions of the Bible use the expression that the man is “to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife”. The idea is that the union of two people in marriage creates a bond so close and so important that it is like the creation of a new life. It takes over from the families that we grew up in and creates a new family unit.
Sexual intimacy was an expression of this companionship from the very beginning. Genesis says that Adam and Eve were naked together, but not ashamed. Within its proper context of marriage God celebrates sexual intimacy. It is His gift, meant to be enjoyed by His people whom He loves.
That might surprise a lot of people these days, who seem to think that Christians are kill-joys who frown if someone so much as kisses someone of the opposite sex. However, if you read, for example, the Song of Songs you will find a book of poetry celebrating the love of a man and wife, including – even emphasising – their physical intimacy.
The apostle Paul wrote of husbands having an obligation to “fulfil his marital duties to his wife”, saying how in marriage each person’s body belongs not to them only, but also to their spouse. “Do not deprive each other” is God’s command to husbands and wives.
But the command is made EXCLUSIVELY to husbands and wives. God celebrates sexual intimacy within the context of the lifelong commitment that is marriage, but many Bible passages teach that sexual relations outside of marriage (“adultery”) are sinful, being out of step with God’s character and the high view of marriage that He wishes us to have. The Bible says, “marriage should be honoured by all and the marriage bed kept pure.”
This applies both to people who are married being faithful to each other and to people who aren’t married abstaining from such physical intimacy. I like the way Cronulla footballer, Jason Stevens, has put it in his book, “Worth the Wait”. He says that when he was 19 he had lots of sexual relationships with girls, but the fact that they had given themselves to each other so easily really meant that it was a relationship with no value. “What’s to stop her from giving herself to someone else just as easily?” he asked. Jason now advocates waiting until you are in a relationship with someone who is prepared to commit themselves to you, publicly and for life, before giving your body over to them.
God sees it that way, too. God thinks that you are valuable enough and special enough that His ideal for you is that the person with whom you get really intimate is someone who will love and cherish you and be committed to you for life. The transformed mind will look at the Bible’s view of sex as an expression of God’s great love for us and not as a quaint, old fashioned idea that we can ignore at will.
2) We need transformed behaviour within marriage
A transformed attitude to marriage is half the battle. The other half is a transformation of the way we behave in our marriages.
I could say quite a lot about this, but in the interests of time will concentrate on two points only. First, the Bible sees marriage as a special relationship of mutual service, each one looking out for the good of the other.
A common misconception is that the Bible orders wives to obey their husbands and to be subservient to them. The truth is that the Bible teaches husbands and wives to serve one another’s best interests, each placing the good of the other and the good of their relationship above their own.
It’s pretty obvious that the Bible teaches this to women, because Paul and Peter both say that wives are to “submit” to their husbands. But understand this - husbands are told to have this same attitude to their wives. Submission is mutual! The Bible says, “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” To understand what this means we need to look at what the Bible says about Jesus.
Jesus’ love is described in the Bible in terms of Him being a servant. He said that He “did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many.” Christ, in love, humbled Himself, putting aside equality with God to become a man in order to suffer and die on our behalf, giving priority to mankind’s need to be restored to a right relationship with God. The apostle Paul put it like this, that “God’s love is shown in that, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
That’s the sort of love that husbands are to have for their wives – love that gives up its own selfish interests for the sake of his wife. God holds husbands accountable for the tone that they set in their marriage and their family, whether it be one of love and mutual respect and service, or one of selfishness and ungodliness.
Thus we can see that the Bible holds marriage in the highest esteem and sets a high standard for husbands and wives to live up to. But surely, some people will say, this is just idealistic and unrealistic, with no chance of actually working out in practice.
By no means! The Bible is thoroughly realistic about the weaknesses of men and women and the fact that marriages will face strains and difficulties because husbands and wives will often do things that hurt and upset each other.
The entire message of the Bible is centred on the idea of God’s love for sinful men and women. He knows only too well how painful and hurtful sin can be – He came to earth in the form of the man, Jesus Christ, who carried our sin to an awful death on the cross for us. He endured temptation and understands all of our weaknesses and the stresses that we are under. Far from being aloof and demanding, God intimately knows the difficulties we face and offers us His love and strength to deal with our troubles.
It has been said that a Christian marriage is “two forgiven sinners coming together under the one roof.” The idea of forgiveness is crucial to the Biblical concept of marriage, just as it is crucial in all of life. God forgives and His people are called upon to be forgivers also. The apostle Paul wrote, “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
In short, the Bible acknowledges that our marriages will fail to live up to God’s ideal because we are all sinners falling short of His standards of love and service. However, He is a God who forgives those who come to Him in faith and trust in Christ, and the practice of forgiveness is one that helps marriages to survive and thrive.
Conclusion
God made human beings to be in close relationship with Him and with one another. The closeness that exists between a married couple is the highest and best application of that purpose within the realm of human experience. He has provided the relationship of marriage in order that we can enjoy intimacy, commitment, love and forgiveness. Our children benefit from this too, because they then grow up in a family that shows them love and encouragement and nurture.
I have a couple of final words of application.
a) For those who are married:
Work hard at your relationship to make sure it is of the kind we have been talking about tonight. Be committed to one another; be to your spouse a trustworthy companion with whom they feel safe to share intimately; be servants to each other, always loving and always forgiving; be to your children a true model of the love, compassion and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.
b) For those who are not married:
Be encouraged that it is possible for marriage to be positive experience, a lifelong blessing, despite the negative messages that the world around us is giving. Hard times there may be; arguments and disagreements there will be; but it is possible, by God’s grace, for us to have great marriages if we will walk the path that He has laid out for us.
When you start to get into a serious relationship, think Christianly about the other person. By that I mean don’t just get carried away by their physical attributes, but assess whether they are a person with whom you can share intimately at every level, especially emotionally and spiritually. Assess whether they are someone that you are prepared to serve in the way I have talked about, and whether they will be someone who will seek to serve you.
Finally, be strong in the Lord to stand against the immorality of our post-modern world. Don’t give yourself to someone else physically until you have that lifelong commitment to each other. The world is simply lying to you when it says that there are no standards and that we are each free to make up our minds about how we will behave with those of the opposite sex. If you have already erred in this respect, then I urge you to repent of that and turn to God for His strength and help to approach relationships differently from now on. He will forgive and He will help you.
c) For those who are, or are about to become, in-laws:
Let your son or daughter leave and cleave. In fact, encourage them to do so. They are supposed to start a new family and this must be reflected in a change in the relationship they have with you.
• Give them your love and support – oh, yes, they’ll need that from you
• Prayer? - you bet, uphold them in prayer every day. They will need all the support they can get to make their relationship work when they face so much pressure from outside forces that don’t want God’s purposes to work.
• Wisdom and advice – well, maybe, if they ask for it and even then only cautiously. When they were learning to walk you didn’t take the steps for them; it should be the same with marriage, they have to learn it themselves.
• Interference and meddling – no way! You are not responsible for their happiness or for fixing up their mistakes.
May our gracious God, who made us male and female, and sent us His Son to be the perfect Man, our Lord and Saviour, bless our relationships with one another, so that our marriages will be true and faithful reflections of His love and declare to the world that His ways are right and true. Amen.
