What To Do When You’re Married to a Jerk
The scene opens in the desert, west of the dead sea.
David and his 600 guerrilla fighters are camped and hiding from Saul. But they’re not idle. They’re a kind of unofficial police force for the area.
They protected shepherds from the attack of marauding tribes who would suddenly overrun an area, steal livestock and assault small villages.
Now, a big beneficiary of their presence was a guy named “Nabal”. Nabal was kind of the “Ben Cartwright” of the area. He was very rich, and as a result… very influential.
On his “Bonanza” he owned 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats. Pretty good, when you consider that the average rancher owned only about 100 sheep.
But unlike Ben Cartwright, Nabal wasn’t wise, caring and fatherly. In fact, he was just the opposite. The name Nabal , lit. in the Heb means, “fool”.
When the bible uses that term it’s not talking about a dumb or ignorant person… it’s talking about a person who lives their life as if there’s no God.
Ps. 14:1 says, “The fool says in his heart, there is no God”. By that definition, there are a lot of “Nabals” in the world today.
People going about their lives as “practical atheists”. Maybe they “say”, there is a God, but they live each day as if He doesn’t exist.
(you probably know some people like that.)
Anyway, Nabal was a fool… what would be today’s equivalent of a JERK!
Can you imagine going through life with a name like “Jerk”? How would you explain it to your kindergarten teacher on the first day of school?
Or to the clerk at the DMV, when you get your license.
How would you like to sign all your checks “Jerk”?
Kind of makes you wonder how a guy would get a name like that doesn’t it?
1. I mean, did his mother name him that? Could you imagine naming your kid, “Jerk”?
“Jerk!… time to come in for supper!”
“Goodnight Jerk…sweet dreams!”
2. Or maybe it was just a nickname that he was given as a kid, and it stuck.
3. Maybe his Dad named him “Jerk”. Kind of like “The boy named Sue”. His way of making him grow up tough!
4. It could even be that people started calling him “Jerk”, behind his back as an adult. You know, like some workers have a secret name for their boss. Or the way, students hang nick-names on their teachers. (we’ve all done that!)
We don’t really know for sure how Nabal got his name. But what we do know from the incident we’re going to discuss this morning, is that He certainly lived up to it!
Vs. 3 of chap 25 gives us some insight into his personality. It tells us he was “harsh and evil in his dealings…” In otherwords he was…
1. Demanding
He was…
2. Dishonest
and 3rdly… he was…
3. Defensive
And that really is the “Portrait of a JERK”…
• Someone who expects their mate to put up with their obnoxious behavior and treatment of them.
• Someone who’s always trying to get something for nothing…and uses other people to get it.
• 3rdly, A Jerk is someone who is stubborn. A person who doesn’t admit that he/she has a problem, and is unwilling to change.
Now, I want you to notice that Nabals wife is exactly the opposite of him. The bible contrasts her with him, in that same verse, it says here that she was both “intelligent and beautiful”.
Lit., she had good understanding and a beautiful form. She was lovely not only on the outside… but on the inside as well.
Their marriage was a study in oxymorons! Here was this beautiful, intelligent woman… married to this rude, mean… brute!
Have you ever seen it? After all, it’s not the first time that a talented, competent, & gifted woman… has married a jerk!
For Abigail, it could have been an arranged marriage… she didn’t have any choice in the matter… but then again, like some women, she may have married him for his money…
…It could even be that she saw some spark of greatness in him and thought she could change him over time. A lot of women get married for that reason.
And as a result, a lot of women get married to jerks! We can try and talk them out of it… but most of the time they just won’t listen.
Sometimes, a husband can start out nice and then over time turn into a jerk. Everybody changes… sometimes for the worse, and if you’re married today… you are at least partially responsible for your partners changes (good or bad).
If you did a survey of the women in this room this morning, you’d probably find out that all husbands are at least part-time jerks. Now I’m not “male-bashing”, but once in a while, or maybe once a year… every husband plays the part of the fool.
I know I have. I admit it…I’ve been stubborn and demanding at times. Sometimes both at the SAME time! And so in that sense of the word… every woman can relate to Abigail.
So here’s Abigail a gracious & lovely lady, and for whatever reason… she’s married to a conceited, arrogant, (and as we’ll soon see)… stupid… Jerk!
As we come to vs. 4, we find out that it’s “shearing time” at the “BIG ZERO” ranch. Come spring, all the shepherds would bring their sheep in to be sheered of their thick winter coats before the hot summer months hit.
It was the ancient equiv. of a cattle roundup, and it was the custom to throw a big feast in celebration. Nabal would have had an especially big bash because 4000 head, would mean about 40 shepherds. Plus neighbors, family and relatives.
It was also the custom of that day, to set aside a portion of the profit, and give it to those who had protected the shepherds during the past year. It was kind of like tipping the waiter. There wasn’t any law that you had to… but … it wasn’t a bad idea!
You can imagine the efficient, capable Abigail supervising the entire feast. And it was a great one! It went on for days… and word eventually made it to the mountains where David and his men were hold up, that “Nabal had a good year and he’s throwing a party!”
Now to David and his men, that meant only 1 thing… PAYDAY! They’d been faithfully watching out for his flocks, so it stands to reason that they should share in some of the fruit.
Nabals own employees testify to the way they were treated by David’s men. (READ vs. 15-16)
So, he sends 10 men to politely ask for a share of the food…They stand in front of Nabal and say in vs. 7-8 (READ) But listen to Nabal’s response in vs. 10-11.
He says, “Who’s David?”. Can you imagine that? What arrogance! What a JERK! I mean, he just insulted a band of 600 armed & hungry men! Not a smart thing to do!
Everybody there knew exactly who David was, but Nabal was too busy playing the “BIG MAN” in front of his guests to care.
Well, when the messengers return back to David and reported what Nabal had said… He hits the cave ceiling! Through clenched teeth, he orders his men to put on their swords.
Meanwhile, (back at the ranch), a servant tells Abigail what her foolish husband just did.
Notice, they didn’t go to Nabal, mostly because he was unapproachable, but also because he was probably nursing a terrific hangover!
Abigail knows exactly what to do!
She understands the consequences of her husband’s foolish words, and she also understands men and threats, and how they feel compelled to respond to insults.
She’d probably never met this David, but she’d heard of him. I mean, who hadn’t? She knew he was rash, (just as rash as her husband)… but not as stupid.
And I want you to notice how she responds, because I think it gives a lot of insight into what to do when you’re married to a jerk.
So, what’s the lesson of Abigail? 1st of all…
1. Don’t ARGUE ... let life discipline.
Abigail didn’t waste any time telling “THE JERK”, that he was a jerk! In fact, she didn’t get into a fight with him at all.
Solomon, her future step-son would later write it down as a proverb, but she probably taught it to him… Prov. 23:9 (READ)
The Message version puts it this way, “ Don’t bother talking sense to fools; they’ll only poke fun at your words.”In otherwords, “Don’t argue with a jerk, while their being a jerk.”
When a person is in a state of rebellion and arrogance… you can talk to them until you’re blue in the face… but they won’t listen.
Abigail stayed out of arguments with her fool. Instead, she stood back and allowed the consequences of Nabals actions be his best teacher.
If you’re an Abigail this morning… realize that life itself has a way of softening the hardest heart. And what you need to do is to just stand back and allow your “jerk” (whoever it is) to come to the end of themselves, before they’ll listen to you.
2ndly…
2. Don’t WHINE … take action
Abigail refused to play the part of the victim. She refused to be victimized by her husbands stupidity.
She didn’t just sit at home and let everything collapse while whining… “Poor me! Our life is falling apart! We’re going to be destroyed… but what can I do? I’m supposed to be his obedient, submissive wife!”
No! She did something about it! She got busy baking bread, packing fig bars, jamming raisins into sacks!
She put together 5 cooked sheep, 5 measures of grain, 2 skins of wine, 100 clusters of raisins, 200 pressed fig cakes… and then hurriedly loaded them on donkeys.
Whew! You talk about a carry-out order! She should have gone into the catering business!
Then she mounts up, and rides out to save “JERK” from himself. On the road, she meets David, who is bent on burning their home to the ground. She promptly dismounts and bows before this young warrior.
Interceding for her husband, she presents her gifts, predicts David’s ultimate ascension to the throne, talks him out of his vengeance…and then remounts her donkey and rides away!
I can imagine that David is sitting there stunned, as he watches her disappear, and he’s thinking… “WOW! Now that’s a woman! Not only did she succeed in saving her husbands worthless neck, but… she saved me from a “knee jerk reaction” as well! Now that’s the kind of woman I need… someone who can save me from my own worst self.”
And gentlemen… if that’s the kind of woman you have this morning… count yourself blessed! I know I do!
I find that most women want their husbands to succeed in life… They want the best for them…and that when they confront them with some flaw they see in them, they do it with the purest of motivations.
In fact, men… if you’re wise, you’ll realize that some of the best counsel you can get, will come to your wife… that is, if you’re not too proud or defensive to listen.
The difference between Nabal and David was that David was willing to listen to Abigail. He had a teachable spirit. That’s one of the reasons the bible calls him, “A man after God’s own heart”. He was willing to change.
I wonder sometimes how many men have been released from their jobs because of character flaws that their wives saw clearly and tried to help them overcome… but they refused to take their advise.
God has made women especially sensitive to character issues, and men, we only hurt ourselves when we mistakenly confuse their suggestions for nagging.
Put yourself in Abigails sandals for a moment. Here was her chance to get rid of this miserable excuse for a husband. She could have thought, “Finally! Nabal has treated me like dirt… now it’s time he got a taste of his own poison!”
But instead of responding in revenge and letting David finish him off, she acts sacrificially in his favor!
Sometimes, a wife needs to act in favor of her husband and not say a word to him… and Abigails situation is a classic case in point.
For her to approach her obstinate, foolish husband would have been instant suicide! So she acted without his knowledge… but for his own good.
I personally think if more women would take action instead of being victimized by abuse, alcohol and drugs in their homes…(and by taking action, I mean creating a crises by bringing trusted friends, law authorities, pastors and others in to confront the issue head on)…
That it would short circuit a lot of the pain people put up with for years!
Now don’t get me wrong… I agree more than anyone with the vs. in Eph. 5:22 that says, “Wives, submit to your husbands…”
But I also believe that men make that very difficult to do when they don’t take seriously the next 10 verses instructing them to love their wives as Christ loved the church…
In fact, I believe that women “willingly”, come under the loving leadership of their husbands when their husbands treat them with sensitivity, understanding and acceptance.
Now supposed you’re married to a spiritual jerk… He does a good job at financially supporting the family… he takes care of the lawn, and understands the intricacies of sports… but as a spiritual leader… he’s a fool.
The lesson from Abigail this morning is…Don’t just sit and whine and complain about the fact that he’s not the spiritual leader he’s supposed to be. That’s not what Abigail would do!
No! Abigail would call the kids together & lead the evening devotions herself. She’d wake the kids up on Sunday, put their clothes on and take them to church…
She wouldn’t argue about it… or wait for her husband to get his act together first… she’d just do it!
Listen… if you’re more spiritually minded than your husband, quit complaining about it, and pack up the donkeys with food! Be an Abigail!
Abigails don’t allow themselves to be victimized by their husbands rebellion towards God.
Finally, if you’re married to a jerk this morning…
3. Don’t MANIPULATE … Let God work.
Refuse to manipulate your husband. Instead, give him over to God and let Him deal with their stubbornness.
Abigail returns home. Nabal didn’t even know she’d been gone. He’s too busy throwing another party and getting drunk.
So the next morning… after he sobers up, she tells him about the whole incident. How David and 400 of his men were coming full tilt down the hill to kill him, and how she lit. saved his life.
Now Nabal gets really sober! Stone sober in fact! His eyes glaze over with terror, he lays down, stares at the ceiling frozen with fright for 10 days, and then dies of a stroke!
Word travels fast about Nabals death. David hears about it, and remembers Abigail. Intelligent… beautiful… experienced in advising willful, stubborn men… hmmmmm.
So he sends his servants to propose to Abigail, and she humbly accepts. She became the best wife he could have imagined. She helped him acquire new traits… gentleness, submission, patience, the ability to think before you act. All things that he lacked.
Good wives can be a huge advantage to us if we’ll let them!
Isn’t it amazing how when you do what’s right, without giving up, how God takes the impossible things of life and turns them around for your advantage?
Now, in Abigails situation…her jerk died.
And, I sincerely hope that your situation hasn’t become so desperate that you wish that would happen to yours. (Although, I know of some cases where it would be a relief!)
Thankfully, we’re on the grace side of the bible. What that means is that… people can change!
If you happen to be married to a jerk, there’s hope today. Even if you’ve married a ‘part-time’ jerk… there’s hope!
Christ’s death on the cross is not only designed to get us to heaven, but it’s designed to get heaven into us!
God has provided grace this morning to remake us and remold us. He has the ability to transform us into new creations. In fact, in my 17 years of ministry… I’ve seen it happen 100’s of times!
In II Cor. speaking Paul gives instructions to believing wives who are married to unbelieving husbands, and he says in 7:13,16…
(READ)
In otherwords, if you have an unbelieving husband… don’t go out and get a divorce, especially if he’s willing to remain married… instead realize that you are having an influence on him for Christ.
You don’t know when he will become a Christian, so hang in there!
The same thing goes for believing husbands with unbelieving wives.
Listen… God is in the business of reforming jerks!
Isn’t that what happened to the 12 thick-headed disciples? They could have just as easily been called, “The 12 Jerks”! But they were changed. They became the 12 Apostles, pillars of the church!
How about the Apostle Paul? What would you call him before he was saved? I’m reading a book about him right now. Killing Christians, putting women and children into jail, slaughtering innocent people….
I’d call him a 1st class jerk!
But Christ got a hold of him one day… and he became the Apostle Paul, a living example of Christ! Converted Jerk!
And God can do it to your own personal jerk… whether it be your husband, your boss at work, your neighbor, a son or daughter…maybe a relative.
So give God time. Whether you can see it or not… if you’re praying for them… you can be assured that… God is working on them!
Abigail… what a wonderful lady! She was noble, diplomatic, a peacemaker, beautiful, smart… an incredibly competent woman… and she was stuck with a jerk…
But she didn’t argue… she didn’t whine… she didn’t try and manipulate or nag… She just gave God time… and He blessed her in the end.
PRAY…
Who’s the jerk in your life that needs transforming? Husband? Wife? Boss? Fellow employee? Relative? Son? Daughter? …Maybe even YOU!
Put them into God’s hands this morning…
