"Who is in charge?" Ephesians 5:21-33
The biblical role of submission in marriage
Pastor Bob Hunter
Today I want to talk to you about who is in charge of the marriage. Whose responsible for the decisions? Who calls the shots? And who wears the pants? Now, if you’re a member of the Flinstone family, you know who’s in charge, it’s pretty obvious. It’s Fred, or at least, he thinks he’s in charge! He constantly nags Wilma, repeating her name with a blistering shout, "Wilmaaaaa!" He orders her around and demands she serve him after a hard days work. He loudly proclaims, "I’m the King of the Cave!" (A film clip from the Flinstones movie(1994) might be appropriate here, use the beginning segment where Fred declares He’s the King of the Cave.) He’s the man, he’s in charge. At times, Fred has more the attitude of a drill sergeant than he does a husband.
Now the passage of scripture that I’m going to read to you today, is probably one of the most profound in depth descriptions of how a marriage should work in all the Bible. It’s also one of the most misunderstood. So fasten your seat belts, we’re in for a ride..(read Ephesians 5:21-33).
ILLUST: When Cambria and I ministered in Wilsonville, we put together a one day workshop for engaged couples to help them prepare for marriage. I want to tell you about a young couple who attended by the name of Howard and Janine. Howard and Janine wanted to get married, so they came to the workshop, because that’s what I require when a couple would like me to perform services. I could tell they were little bit reluctant to come, so when they finally showed up, and they were late...of course. Janine had a puzzled look on her face, I could tell something was troubling her. Her body language indicated discomfort. Within a few moments she blirted out,"Your not going to teach us to obey our husbands are you?" "Because, I don’t like the idea of obeying Him." I sat there stunned, thinking Howard must really be a Jerk. (Actually, he’s not, he’s a true gentlemen) And as I began to respond, Janine relaxed and Howard breathed a sigh of relief too. We all did! And what I shared with them in response, is what I’m going to share with you today in message form. We’re going to talk about the role of submission. There’s a right way to look at it, and a wrong way to look at it.
First of all, the Bible doesn’t use the word obey in the context of marriage. The right words are submit and respect. The word obey is used to describe the relationship a child has to a parent, not the relationship a wife has to her husband. So with that much understood. I want to take a few moments and deal with common misconceptions often perpetuated by society, our culture and sometimes even the Church. These assumptions cloud our understanding and color our interpretation of Ephesians Ch. 5. So lets take a few minutes and identify some of these false assumptions. A lot of us have lost sight of what’s really important.
Where did we go wrong? (Common Misunderstandings:)
A. Men are superior beings.
After all Adam came before Eve, right? He was the first to see what God had created. Breathe the air, walk on the earth. Take a look at our world today. Its dominated by men. We run the companies, govern the states, fight the wars, build the cities, manage most affairs. We figure things out, find solutions, work for a living. We’re the Fred Flintstones. And we should have the ‘say so’ and ultimately be the one in charge. Right? (silence) Men are superior beings is common misunderstanding number one.
B. Women are inferior beings.
If he’s then head then what does that make her, the tail? Does him being first assume that she is something lesser than? If carried out to it’s logical end, we would then have to assume that Women are not as strong, capable, intelligent, and trustworthy. Add to that the creation account: women were created from men, right? Adam fell into a deep sleep. God extracted one of his ribs and brought about another human being with not as strong of human characteristics. (Gen. Ch. 2) She was a w-o-o-o-man. A part of man, but not his true equal. Therefore she must concede to him in order to assume her God given place in the family and society. If both of the above are true, then the following must also be assumed…
C. All things are not equal.
This is a belief built on the premise that God’s design for the family includes one man and one women and both can’t be in charge, therefore one or the other has to emerge as the leader. Therefore, Marriage is a series of inequities. He is greater than She. There is unequal ownership, power, intellect, maturity, righteousness, authority, etc. There is a better half and a lesser half. A leader and a follower. Simply put, Men pull a greater share of the load. Not all things are equal, and because they aren’t, the stronger half must step forward, usually the male, and call the shots.
Dare I say, this is where we have gone wrong. These notions are subtle, but real. If we have believed the above assumptions and allowed these notions to creep into our homes, we’re in big trouble. Beliefs form attitudes, and attitudes translate into actions. So be careful! An ‘All things are not equal’ marriage will not work. It’s a lopsided affair, creating a weakest- link scenario that will only cause grief and hardship in the long run.
Where do you fall in your understanding of God’s will for the family? Are you striving for equality or dealing with domination? Do you think this hierarchal system is valid? Who wields unquestioned power and authority in your home? Or do they?
Need I remind you, that in some marriages there is total role reversal. In some rare instances a wife will take on a dominant, power brokeing role, leaving the husband many steps behind scrambling to find a position. When all things are not equal, your marriage is at risk. As we are going to discover, it will not work. Pay close attention men, your probably going to hate me after today…That’s O.K. I’m a teflon Pastor!
Ephesians Ch.5 was not intended to be used as a Billy Club. And neither was it written to give men permission to ‘Lord it over.’ So what I want us to do is take a look at the whole idea in the larger context of scripture. Let’s start with the assumption that: Not all things are equal. The fact of the matter is in God’s Word: All things are equal, at least the things that matter are equal. Listen to what God says about this in Gen. 1:26,27
"Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, MALE AND FEMALE He created them."
The message here is pretty simple. God created us in his likeness, Male and Female he created them. Men and women both have equal value before God. They are equal in likeness, equal in value and dignity. So in other words, in the created order of being, men and women have pretty equal ground. They share the same flesh, blood, and God intended purpose. She possesses no less of an imprint from God than he does. God takes equal pleasure in the creation of men and women.
Not only are we equal by virtue of creation, but we are also equal by virtue of salvation. Galatians Ch. 3 has the definitive word here.
"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, MALE or FEMALE , for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Gal. 3:26-28
What this means is that men have no advantage over women when it comes to matters of faith. God makes no distinction between us and them. We have all, male and female, sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We are equally responsible for the sin problem. Not one of us can lay claim to a superior moral position. God doesn’t see it that way. The dreadful disease of sin has affected and infected all of us. And only by the Grace of God are we saved from it. God is not a sexist. According to scripture He doesn’t have a bias. We’re all on equal ground, the playing field is level. (For further treatment see, Submission in the home by Alan Perkins, #36587)
So what is the big deal? Where do the differences lie? The reality is, we are equal, God simply chose to have us play different roles. By design, we’re shaped to contribute to society in different ways. And the roles we assume should compliment not compete with one another. This is not about dominance or becoming a doormat, it’s about dignity and respect regarding the different roles we play.
O.K. now that we established a foundation, let’s define the different roles we assume in the marriage according to Ephesians Ch. 5. Men this passage deals with you more than it does your wife. Your role is:
1. Husbands are the chief dispensers’ of Love in a marriage.
Three different times the Apostle Paul says to men, ‘Love your wives.’ He repeats it for emphasis. Men never get it the first time! Redundancy is imperative. And then he tells us how to do that. You see, because for most men, love doesn’t come easy or naturally. Physical attraction and sex come naturally. But love requires a bit more involvement. And believe me, men you need to know ‘how to’ Love your wife according to scripture. Most men equate loving their wives with having intercourse or buying her gifts. And those things are legitimate expressions of love, but they don’t represent the whole story. The Apostle Paul says you have to love your wife with more than just physical touch. There is a different quality of love we should practice in our marriage. Paul describes it with two vivid examples.
A. You love her like you love yourself. Vs. 28, 29.
In other words you have to care of her like you take care of your own body, because she is your helpmate and when you neglect her, your neglecting yourself. Let me give an example:
ILLUST: In a previous life, I used to really be into lifting free weights. I had gym memberships, club memberships etc. I used to work out all the time and really pump the iron to strengthen my body and put some meat on my bones, O.K. it didn’t work very well, but it was good for my health. You know what I discovered from working out in the Gym with other men? Men love to look at themselves. We are vain creatures. Men love to look at their own bodies, especially if their bodies are something to look at. You walk into free weight gym, and guess what you see? Wall to wall mirrors. & what do you see in front of those mirrors? Men flexing their muscles, stretching their bodies, looking themselves over, inspecting their progress. This is a big deal. Men love to see a macho reflection of themselves. In fact, a really serious body builder will spend as much time in the Gym working out as some of us do at our jobs. Now watch this…
This is the essence of what the Apostle Paul says, he says men, "you have to love your wives, just like you love yourself." Like a body builder does his health, or a weight lifter does his muscles. You invest in her like you would invest in the health of your own body. You voluntarily give her the same level of devotion. You choose her right along side of yourself. So instead of standing in the mirror looking at yourself, you set your sights on her & decide to add value and worth to her. She is your helpmate and you have to take care of her, nurture her, and glorify her. This is your God given role; to love her as extension of yourself. The second model for showing her love is even more radical. Secondly,
B. You love her like Christ loved the Church. Vs. 25, 26
This is a pretty tall order isn’t it? I just wonder how many of us can adequately say we have carried this out? Or that we have sufficiently held this standard? It’s almost an impossible imperative. Consider how Jesus treated the Church.
Did He beat the Church into submission?
Did He force the Church into compliance?
Did He demand the Church keep His commandments?
No, No, No. Jesus LOVED the Church into submission. He compelled the Church. He persuaded the Church. He wooed the Church like a Prince does a Princess. He laid down his life in sacrificial love and in doing so, He brought the Church to its’ knees. The early believers willingly risked it all in response to the sacrificial love demonstrated on the Cross. I don’t know about you, but I tremble at the proposition of loving my wife like Christ did the Church. Jesus’ love for the Church, in contrast to ours, was extravagant, and self sacrificial. And the more he showed it, the more willingly they submitted to it. The secret to submission is Love. You see, you don’t force love, you let it flow. You give it freely. True love is not self-seeking. (1 Cor. 13:5) Men, quit forcing your hand in the name of Love, and start letting Love flow freely from your heart with out any expectation of return. Don’t worry about whether she responds to it or not or reciprocates right away. That’s not your job. The Church didn’t respond to Jesus initially either, they fled in disarray. Our role in the home, is to keep loving our wives like Jesus kept loving the Church through dissarray and stupidity. And still loves the Church this day. The only submission worthwhile is voluntary submission. Forced submission, in a marriage, is for people that don’t know any better. Don’t fall prey to this ignorance. There is a better way.
In other words, we shouldn’t think twice about giving her the T.V. remote once in a while. Right? The T.V. remote is the symbolic gesture of control in the home. Give it up, give it up. If you really love her and your willing to lay down your life, then relinquish control & let her take possession of that little black button pusher.
I’m talking to you about the role of the husband, now, let’s talk about the role of the wife. What’s her part in the equation?
2. Wives are the primary givers’ of respect.
Their role is defined by the opening and closing line in the whole passage, verses "Wives submit to your husbands..The wife must respect her husband."(Vs. 21,33) You see respect and submission point to the same reality. They are hand and hand partners. Like kissing cousins. One assumes the other. Women are the God called, primary givers’ of respect. Paul says your role in the marriage is one of showing respect and submitting to him in love. This doesn’t mean you become a doormat and without question do whatever he tells you to do. It does mean, you have the God ordained responsibility to add value to your husband’s self worth. Build him up, instead of tearing him down. Admire him with sincere gestures of respect and honor. Willard Harley in his book His Needs, Her Needs explains this need for admiration and respect. He says, "Behind every man should be an admiring wife." Pg. 158. He’s right. Men need to know your for them not against them.
This is a big deal for us men. We love the actual words and expressions of admiration and respect. Ladies understand this about your men, they need you to not only say it, but show it. Men are very proud beings, God made us that way, and it’s not altogether bad. We were wired up with a need to be respected. That’s why for a man, it can horribly devastating when a women exposes a weaknesses or announces a fault in a public setting. That is like the deathblow! So be careful what you say about him to other people. Don’t dishonor him by exposing his hurts or telling the world about his weaknesses, unless he’s given you permission. A wife that is constantly criticizing and tearing down her husband down in public or private is not pleasing to the Lord. If there is something you feel needs to be dealt with, then bring it to him privately, and if it’s really serious you might want to see a counselor or somebody professional that can help you figure out what to do.
All I’m saying is this: submission involves showing respect to your husband with actions and with words. You need to be his number #1 fan. And cheer him on in life, and try to add value to his manhood. When he gets a raise, or brings home a bonus, give him praise. When he hits a home run, or teaches a good lesson at Church, admire his efforts.
By believing in him, you will help him believe in himself and further achieve in life. My wife is very attune to this need, she’s tells me my sermons are good even if they aren’t!
Now just because God calls you to submit and show respect, that doesn’t mean your less than him. Men and women are equal in God’s site, they simply play different roles. And Ladies yours is one of adding value, giving respect, and showing honor and reverence to your husband.
Now I want you to hear what I’m not saying, Ladies. Showing respect doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abuse or accept mistreatment and neglect. That’s not what we are talking about. The respect you give your husband has limits. And it stops when there is clear disobedience to God and his Word. Your not fulfilling your role very well as a giver of respect, when you participate in his sinfulness or enable his acts of disobedience. Boundaries must be set. Sexual ones, spiritual ones, emotional ones. Frequently, an unregenerate husband will encroach on those boundaries just to see if they are real. Stand firm. Do not be manipulated into do something for your husband that is against the Lord. That’s nonsense. God says no, it doesn’t work that way, because your first loyalty is to Jesus Christ. So you do as James say to do in his book, "Submit yourself to God, resist the devil…" James 4:7. You will never win him over spiritually, unless you stand firm and have solid boundaries. God will help you with the rest.
A word to spiritually mismatched wives….If you can get your hands on this and grasp it, it’ll make so much difference in your marriage. You can maintain a balance of respect without condoning sin. And I say that simply because there are scores of spiritually mismatched women out there, that are getting nowhere bringing their husbands closer to God due to lack respect for his position. Just because he’s a heathen, doesn’t mean your off the hook when it comes to showing him respect. So whether he’s a man of God or not, you’ve got to find a way to respect him without condoning his sin. Ladies when you show your husbands respect you show him the very Love of God. He will do somersaults, over this faith you have, because he is benefiting without believing. And if you can strike that balance between showing respect and voluntary submission without compromising, you might be surprised how quickly his heart warms up to the idea of faith. So quit nagging him to do spiritual things and start showing him the benefits of a Godly marriage. And you just might be surprised at the results. Someday, he’ll be sitting right next to you praising God with tears on his cheeks!
Finally, I’ve saved the best point for last. What I’m about to say is going to tie all of this together. Now that you understand your proper roles. Lets take a moment to put this together in the greater context of God’s plan. Never forget, that together, as husband and wife, you are ONE team. You are both players on the same team.
3. Together you are ONE team.
Together you are a unit. Now that we have defined your roles, I want to remind you that God gave you different roles not to compete, but to compliment one another. And when you fulfill these roles, you cultivate something we call ‘team work.’ Now let me describe to you how team work works. Ephesians 5:21, probably one of the most looked over verses of scripture. Listen to what it says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for the Lord." That’s what we call teamwork. And In order to work together as a team, you have to submit to one another and make some concessions along the way that will secure your status as a team. Submitting to one another is the key to developing teamwork in a marriage. It’s a two way street; and it involves both of you. You have to be willing to make some sacrifices for the common good of the relationship and not just for your own individual well being.
Illust. Think of it this way. It’s like playing together on a Basket ball team, if you can imagine that. Let’s use the Portland Trail Blazers for example. Right now with the way they are playing, they are a bad example of teamwork. Why? Are they playing together as a team? No, the roster is loaded with star talent making millions of dollars. Yet none of the players seem to make the necessary sacrifices to benefit the common good of the team. So guess what? They’re losing. And mark my words, they will not win, because they are far too individually focused rather than team oriented. Reports are rampant there is team wide discontent. Some team members have walked off the court in a huff, languishing poor playing time. Others have argued with the Coach when benched. They are totally dysfunctional. They have not been able to cultivate a true team spirit that wins games and even championships. Similarly, the same thing happens in a marriage when you fail to work together as a team, you end up with a losing record.
And this is what you are together as a couple. You’re a team! Says right here in Ephesians 5:31 "…and the two shall become ONE flesh." Oneness, think about it. You’re different, but God intended you to operate together as ONE. When you rightfully assume your different roles on the team, you compliment one another become ONE in purpose. Now in order to achieve a level of teamwork your going to have to make some sacrifices and submit to one another. And it’s something you have to choose to do, I can’t force it on you. It’s voluntary act. Choosing to submit to one another out of reverence for God & Assuming your respective roles is decision that you have to make. It won’t’ happen on accident. Moving your relationship forward in lock step fashion, requires a lot of work, but it’s worth it.
Keep in mind, this whole submission thing is reciprocal in nature. It goes back and forth, there has to be give and take in the relationship. Ephesians 5:21 is the greatest ’give and take’ verse in the Bible. Let it take hold in your mariage. God’s will for your marriage is not a lopsided, Fred Flinstone, "I’m the king of the Cave," arrangement. There’s a much better way. And it’s this: Teamwork, togetherness, oneness.
Trust me, I’m a leader type of personality, and you know that, though I have painfully learned to submit to my wife’s authority in areas. She has a lot of ‘say so’ in regard to our finances and the way we run our household. And my job, sometimes, is to do what I’m told and immediately give in. She’s earned my trust and she deserves my faith. But when it comes to other issues, she is quick to hand me the reins of control. And when we make a major decision, that affects the entire family, we’re both heavily involved. And we don’t move forward until we reach a consensus & both have agreement in the sight of the Lord. This is what you call teamwork. Ephesians 5:21 can make it happen: "Submit to one another out of reverence for the Lord."
Never forsake the goal of teamwork in the marriage. It is God’s will for you and your mate. You relationship will inevitably prosper, when you agree with one another in the Lord and submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Closing Invitation: I want to invite Husbands and wives to come forward tis morning to an altar of prayer. I want to see all of our team units get up, step into the aisle, and make your way down to this altar. Hand and hand together, come and knee here in the presence of God. Come and renew your commitment to work together in the home. Come with open hearts, and submit yourselves to God. When we talk about who’s in Charge in a marriage, you want to first- put Christ in charge. You first have to submit yourself to Him. And let him have full reign in the decisions you have to make. Some of you are facing huge obstacles. You have enormous issues to sort out. And you need fresh touch from God. Others of you, need to come and repent of the controlling attitudes you have toward your spouse, you’ve been nagging way to much, or Lording it over with demands. It’s time to seek forgiveness and relinquish control to the Lord. Come and submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Come and receive, as a couple, all that God has for you.
