Battle of the Sexes
by
Randy A. Croft
Several years ago, the United States Government wasted $18,000,000 over something as small as a hyphen. The Readers Digest reported the incident and said that a hyphen was omitted when instructions were fed to a computer which was to guide a rocket to Venus.
A vast amount of data, coded information, was fed into a machine, which was to guide the rocket through the first phase of the flight. For a moment the rocket and computer lost touch. Although the rocket veered off course, a hyphen in the instructions was to tell the rocket not to worry. There was no hyphen, and the rocket worried. The computer began sending course directions it should not have sent, and the rocket had to be destroyed.
A reporter who followed up this story said that it was an odd story that reflected on humans. "The rocket was primed for a 180,000,000 mile trip, and stumbled over something this long."
Men and women have been on a journey for thousands of years to live together in peace and happiness. Yet, over that journey millions of relationships have been destroyed by very small misunderstandings, miscommunication, misinterpretations of one another. Trying to understand one another isn’t easy--it often leads to war.
ILLUS: During a battle in Vietnam, two young men were in the thick of the fight with bullets flying about, shrapnel bursting overhead, and occasionally a grenade exploding nearby. One of the young men, terrified by the situation, gasped "Isn’t this awful?"
The other replied, "Oh, not really. It just reminds me of home."
The Problem behind the Battle
1/3 marriages today end in divorce. Another 1/3, though not divorced are not really enjoying a happy and fulfilling marriage. The couple are simply living together, making the best of their marriage.
And we know that friction and frustration happens among men and women in dating or work related relationships. Wherever men and women are in the same room, there are bound to be misunderstandings. Why is it that so many marriages, so many relationships veer off course like our satellite, and end up being destroyed?
Studies have shown that the number one problem in marriages today is miscommunication. Not able to understand one another. It’s a battle.
Why is it that the Battle of the Sexes makes the Hatfields and McCoys seem like playful kittens. Why is it that the Battle of the Sexes leaves so many wounded and bruised? Because we’re all guilty of expecting the opposite sex to react, listen, think, and respond pretty much the same way we do.
#1 New York Times Bestseller several years ago. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The book made John Gray a household name and spun off numerous books, seminars, college courses, even a board game. Millions of readers sought Grays advice on how to truly understand the opposite sex.
The story line of his book is based on a creative analogy. Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came to earth and amnesia set in: they forgot they were from different planets. Using this metaphor to illustrate the commonly occurring conflicts between men and women, Dr. Gray explains how these differences can come between the sexes and prohibit mutually fulfilling relationships. His book confirmed what numerous studies and interviews, and research has concluded. Men and women are different. I know this may come as a shock to some of you here tonight, but Men and Women tend to think differently, respond differently, communicate differently, and look at the world differently.
I wouldn’t say Men-Mars, Women-Venus--I’d say totally different galaxies.
Lets look at these differences for a minute. Take a moment and think about your current relationships with those of the oppposite sex. A friend, co-worker, spouse, relative. Think of someone you’re having difficulty with. How would life be different for you if you could just get along better, understand each other better, and have more respect for each other? Today we’re going to look at some biblical insights for men and women in how we can communicate better. But first, let’s look at some of the major differences.
Before I start--information is not put people in box. They are generalizations. Some apply to you, some not. There are additional factors for age, race, background, etc. Stick with generalities that identify the majority of men and women based on research, study, science.
What are some of those differences?
Self-esteem. Value.
MAN: Men tend to get our self esteem from achievement. We tend to be task-oriented, and being self-reliant is very important to us. You put those two together, and you get people who hate to ask for directions or for help. Men will wander in a store all day looking for something on their own because accomplishing the task of getting a certain item isn’t going to be satisfying unless we can do it on our own. For us, asking for help is an admission of failure; we see it as a weakness.
ILLUS: Driving--I, like many of my species, hate to ask for directions. I remember driving along the highway near Portland, Oregon on I-5. I was looking for the right turnoff to go east, but kept getting lost on numerous side roads, wrong exits, and back streets. Finally I surrendered and went into a 7-11 directions, not before wasting tons of gas and time. But I fulfilled my manly role of being independent and confident (or is it ignorant and cocky?).
Women: Women tend to get their sense of self from relationships. Where men are task-oriented, women are relational-oriented. Women, your connections to other people are the most important thing to you. You tend to be inter-dependent, enjoying the connectedness to other people, especially other women. For women, both asking for help and offering it is a compliment; saying, "Let me build a bridge between us. I value you, and it’ll bind us together."
Goals.
MEN: Men usually focus on a goal. We want to get to the bottom line, to the end of something. Cut to the chase. The shortest route between two points.
Women: But women tend to enjoy the process. Not that reaching a goal isn’t important, but women like getting there too. That’s why driving vacations are so very different for men and women; the guys want to get to their destinations and beat their best time with the fewest stops, and women sort of treasure the time to talk and look and maybe stop at the outlet malls along the way!
Competition
MEN: Well, yes, men are competitive. Big shock, huh? Whether we’re on the basketball court or on the highway, we just naturally want to win, to be out front. Many of us are driven to prove ourselves, to prove that we’re competent, and it comes out in a competitive spirit. If someone gets hurt, we whisk them to the side of the court so they can heal on their own, and grab the next player to fill in their place.
ILLUS: Huge sports race, 300,000 watching it live. Indy. Coming around corner, huge crash. Two of the drivers actually died in the accident. It delayed the race almost 2 hours. The road crew cleaned up the mess and the race continued.
WOMEN: And it’s not that girls aren’t competitive, because of course they are; it’s just that women tend to be more cooperative than competitive. When girls are playing and one gets hurt, the game will often stop and even be forgotten while everyone gathers around and comforts the one who went down. It’s that relational part of women coming out.
In reading the bible, women will say to the men "What spoke to you today?" Man say, "I don’t remember, but I read 6 whole chapters."
MEN: Men are stingy with compliments.
ILLUS: Sally spent a large portion of the day getting ready for a special evening with her husband, Todd. She got her hair trimmed and styled. She was manicured, pedicured, massaged, facialed. She spent what seemed like hours picking out the right outfit for their evening out. She finally decided on her indigo-blue dress, which others said made her look sensational.
Todd finally arrived home. She opened the door and smiled. Suddenly her bright smile turned into a tight frown when she heard Todd say in a monotonous voice, "You look nice." Sally replied in a voice of frustration, "If you don’t like the way I look, why don’t I go upstairs and change." "Why?" said Todd, "I said you looked nice...what do you want me to do, turn cartwheels?" No, Todd. Sally doesn’t need you to turn cartwheels. But she could use a bit more than "You look nice." Use more descriptions and intensifiers like "You look great! I really like the way you put yourself together tonight." Or "That color makes your eyes look like a deep blue pool of water which I could just dive into." "Your hair is so attractive the way it frames your face like a priceless painting." If Sally heard that she’d probably faint and fall down the stairs.
ILLUS: Kevin Costner was invited backstage for a brief moment following a Madonna concert. Madonna asked him how he liked the concert. He said, "It was neat." After he left, Madonna mocked him for his stingy comment. This scene from a documentary film highlights how bland men are at giving affirmation.
Women: Women, on the other hand are known for being much more affirming. Usually. Unless they are playing passive aggressive, in which they hold back compliments from men which makes men feel like dirt. I noticed this recently at a speech I gave during the week. Women usually nod their heads and give more eye contact. Even give more words of encouragement after a speech. This happens all the time with Krista and I. After a dinner or program, I’m like, "Ok, Kris--let’s go it’s getting late." She’ll wait until just the right time and be sure to thank everyone who played a part or she’s not leaving. Goodbyes sometimes last ½ hour or so.
Thinking
MEN: Men are linear thinkers. Studies have shown that most men’s brains tend to show activity in one hemisphere at a time . . . We can usually focus on just one thing at a time. That’s why Krista has learned not to overload me while I’m reading the paper. I really struggle to read and listen at the same time. We’ve had several discussions about me forgetting things. But when she told me I was nodding my head. True. But I don’t remember what I was nodding my head about. It was just so I could finish reading the sports page.
This linear thinking leads men to be compartmentalized, like a chest of drawers: work in one drawer, relationships in another drawer, sports in a third drawer, and so on. All the various parts of our lives can be split off from each other.
WOMEN: Where women’s brains will show the two hemispheres communicating with each other, back and forth, constantly. That means that often, men and women can arrive at the exact same conclusion, using completely different means to get there. Women aren’t as compartmentalized. They are more like a ball of yarn where everything’s connected to everything else. That’s why in a marriage situation, a woman can’t get romantic when there’s some unresolved anger or frustration with her husband, when shopping went horrible that day, or when dinner didn’t come out right. Men don’t see what the two things have to do with each other.
In business, men tend to fire people much more easily than women. Need to save money and improve the stock value, fire 100 people. A woman’s brain has the logical hemisphere going and the emotional side saying, "What about the family, how close to retirement, can’t we save elsewhere, what will our moral be. Our reputation."
Handle stress
MEN: When men are under stress, we generally distract ourselves with various activities to relax. That’s why you see so many men head for the nearest basketball hoop or bury themselves in the paper or TV. But there’s another aspect of the way we handle severe stress that can be particularly frustrating to women who don’t understand the way we are: a man withdraws into his "cave." We tend to become lone rangers while we deal with problems. Get on a motorcycle and head off. Remember, men are often very self-reliant and competitive, and to ask for help is weakness, so he will first want to solve the problem by himself.
WOMEN: Women handle stress in the exact opposite way, which of course is going to pose major problems until we understand this difference! When women are stressed, they get more involved with other people. Women, studies show that you want to talk about what’s upsetting you, because you process information and feelings by putting them into words. But merely talking is only half of it; you talk in order to be heard and understood. Having a good listener on the other end is extremely important. This is why women have closer women friends than men have male friends. More personal feelings and information are interchanged. "Men head for their cave, and women head for the back door!"
These are just a few examples of the differences between the sexes. Some of these differences are God designed, and some are culturally defined. But the bible does give some wise counsel on living with these differences. I’m going to list 4 principles for better communication between the sexes. bring up the people you thought of earlier and see if these principles can help in those relationships.
The first principle deals with the weapon used in this battle of the sexes. This weapon kills more people than bullets or bombs. A weapon we have all used and has been used against us.
ILLUS: I heard about a girl who grew up in a good home. Her parents were well off and she had most anything a girl could want. People liked her. She was attractive, smart, and talented. She fell in love with an equally respected guy from her high school and they got married a couple years later. They moved away. She kept in close contact with her family and they soon recieved rumblings that things weren’t going well in her marriage. Her parents tell of that final day when they went to pick her up at the airport...their prized daughter returning home to her parents from a failed marriage. What they saw would break any parents heart. It was almost like she looked like a different person. No physical abuse took place, but she looked beaten up and wounded. She couldn’t look people in the eye, her shoulders were hunched over, and her speech was halting. Through the next few days, the story became clear how her husband had waged a continual war of criticism and condemning words. He had openly criticized her work, put down her body, and trampled on her self-worth. Over and over and over.
She’s been through healing over the years, but the tongue nearly destroyed her.
1. Control the tongue
We all have experiences where hurtful things have been said. Many of you can still remember the exact words, and how it felt. Some words have hurt you and me deeply. So deep we don’t want to talk about.
Listen to what the bible says about tongue.
"They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows." Ps 64:3.
"People who think they are religious, but don’t keep a tight rein on their tongue, deceive themselves. Their religion is worthless" James 1:26.
"Those who guard their mouths and tongue, keep themselves out of trouble" Prov 21:23.
#2. Practice listening to each other. Everyone can be a better listener. However, men have a harder time with it. A University of California study showed that 90% of interruptions are made by men, and a Gallup poll showed that the #1 annoyance for women is interruptions. Studies also show that men have a pattern of answering questions that aren’t even addressed to them. We all need to listen more. Practice it. Men do you want to see a women’s eyes get all big and bug out, say something like, "Tell me what’s on your mind. For the next 10 minutes I will give you uninterrupted quality time. And I want to listen." And do it. They’ll think you’re up to something, but practice listening. Women, do the same with men, only remember that men will usually talk about ideas and concepts instead of feelings. It may drive you nuts, but learn to listen to it anyway. Krista can listen to me talk philosophy and theology--short while.
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" James 1:19
#3. Practice Giving Positive Encouragement
1 Th 5:11: "Therefore encourage one another, and build up one another..."
Eph 4:29: "When you talk, don’t say harmful things, but say what people need--encouraging words that will build people up."
Just the words "I believe in you." or "You can do it." Or "I appreciate your perspective and input."
Both Martians and Venetians thrive on encouragement. We all do. Before you go to bed tonight, find a person or two (call on the phone) and tell them what you value in them. Talk to the person who you’re having problems with and make a point to compliment them on something. Even if you don’t feel like it.
#4. Learn to appreciate the way God has uniquely designed our differences.
I Cor 12:14
"The human body has many parts...If the whole body were an eye, it would not be able to hear. If the whole body were an ear, it would not be able to smell...So then there are many parts, but only one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don’t need you!" And the head cannot say to the foot, "I don’t need you!" No! Those parts of the body that seem to be the weaker are really necessary...God wanted the different parts to care the same for each other."
This chapter describes the church--God’s people...Some are preachers, some teachers, some work behind the scenes. No small parts. No person is unimportant. Just different. Different roles and different parts. Wired up differently. Men and women are just different.
Football--most popular--Quarterback. Most important, right. What do you have if you
When we see how God made men and women differently, we can learn to appreciate those differences, instead of trying to mold them into our own way of doing things.
These principles will help you in the Battle of the Sexes. They will keep the casualties to a minimum.
One more point--help. Pray to God for help in this Battle.
God, I don’t know how to deal with this co-worker. They frustrate me.
God, my boss is sexist. How can I get him to respect me as a person.
God, I don’t know how to relate to my teenage son. Help me speak to him in ways that he’ll understand.
God, I’ve been burned in so many relationships.
A lot of you have been in relationships that have left you with scars. Some of you are in a battle right now. Pray to God and He can provide healing and strength for you. "God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Ps 147:3.
