Friends. Who needs them?
by
Randy Croft
It’s one of the most popular TV programs on right now...has been for years. NBC--Thursday nights. Hey, you have to laundry at a laundromat, go on Thursday nights, because the place will be empty. 25 million households will be tuned into Seinfield, Suddenly Susan and Friends.
Friends is a show that started in 1994, for the one or two of you here tonight who may not know this, and it’s about 3 guys and 3 girls who hang out together in Greenwich Village, New York. I talked with someone this week who said he’s watched about every episode. He gets nothing done on Thursday nights. He rattled it off--Rachel used to work at Central Perk, but now works for a fashion designer, Monica is an unemployed chef recently employed, Phoebe is a massage therapist, Joey--the unemployed actor, Chandler works with computers--married to Monica, and Ross is a geologist-historian type trying to be a responsible dad to Rachel. Then he started describing the latest show.
Why is there so much interest in the show? I don’t know. Some say it’s the hair styles. Some say it’s the funny scriptwriting. Some say it’s only because it’s next to Seinfeld. I don’t know, but I think it might have to do with the fact that people like to watch how others struggle through relationships--even if those relationships are just tv plots. Maybe people like to know that good friends fight and argue, and break-up like Ross and Rachel just did. --because that’s what just happened to them. Maybe people like to dream of a being accepted just as they are--like on tv, because in the real world acceptance is tied to performance.
People are dying for friends. Of being accepted.
ILLUS: Read Do or Die about Crips and Bloods in South Central Los Angeles. It told the story of how the gangs got started and why so many are into gangbanging today. One section of the book detailed an interview with a 14 year old Crip. Name Sidewinder. He was in the largest of the LA Crips. He was at a juvinile center for a drive by shooting. He said he got into gangs at age 8. During the drive by shooting, he got shot in the leg twice. "When that happen, I didn’t want to be ’banging no more...Making promises to God, all like that. But when it heal up," he shrugs it off, "You gonna feel the same, once you get back on the outs. I tell you somethin’--I don’t feel connected to any other kids in the city or in this country or in this world. I only feel comfortable in my ’hood. That’s the only thing I’m committed to, that’s my family. One big family--that’s about it."
Most people today want to find friends who will accept them the way they are.
Betty, a librarian said "A friend is someone who knows all about me and still likes me."
We want friends who will be loyal to us--who’ll keep their promises. Who’ll stand with us when no one else will. Video clip--A friend is someone I can be myself around and not worry what they think about me.
Someone who believes in us.
Mark, a guy who rarely exagerrates: "A friend is someone I could call at four in the morning and say "I need you to help me bury a body," and he’d come out with a shovel, no questions asked."
We want friends who will risk their lives for us.
Gerald said "A friend is someone who would hide me from the Nazis." His parents were survivors of the Holocaust. Another person said, "If I had to betray my friends or betray my country, I hope I’d have enough guts to betray my country."
How important are friendships in your life? What is the key to lasting friendships?
I think I’m safe in saying that we all give lip service to the fact that "Yeah I should make friendships a priority." But when it comes to making changes in our life to make it a reality--we give up. Too much time. Too much trouble. Too much risk.
In America, according to polls--70% of us said that we have few close friends and this causes us to feel a serious void in our lives. But the rat race that so many of us are living day in and day out causes us to just give up and live with frustration and emptiness.
Carol is a novelist. She says that "Friendship is an occupation. I can be a good friend or I can be a writer. I can’t do both." She’s chosen to be a writer.
Meg Newhouse is the director of an art gallery. She said, "Four of us wanted to get together. All we did was call each other back and forth to set up something for 3 weeks from now."
There was a song by Carole King in the 70’s called You’ve Got a Friend. It promised "Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall; all you’ve got to do is call--and I’ll be there." If that song was written today, it’d go, "Winter Spring, Summer and Fall; all you’ve got to do is call--and I’ll be there, 2 weeks from Thursday. I’ll put you in my Day Planner."
Friendship in America has become an optional part of life for millions. Part of it is the pace of life in the rat race. Every 24 hours over 100,000 people move. Engineers, scientists, and MBA’s change jobs 4 times a decade. 70% of Americans say they always feel rushed. More time commuting, second job, second families, work--there’s little time left. We don’t have time to build deep lasting friendships. Oh, sure we can all have acquaintences. The average person living in the city has an acquaintence pool of over 500-2000 people (relatives, neighbors, co-workers, customers, etc)--but only 4-5 real friends. If you can say tonight that you have 5 good friends--you’re doing well. 5 friends--that’s a luxury.
It’s the pace of life we live. And a lot of us aren’t willing to make the changes necessary to make friends a higher priority. Some changes make less money--more time to hang out.
Julie Hoover, a former vice president at ABC said "I’m so booked, my definition of a friend is someone who doesn’t call me."
How many friends do you have? How important are friendships in your life? Maybe you’re an introvert and it’s harder for you to make friends. Some of you might be thinking--I don’t have any close friends. Or, I’ve got family or I’ve got work--that’s enough. OR, I’ve been hurt by some of my friends in the past, so I’m not about to get to close to people anymore. I’m going to give you some reasons why you should make it a priority to hang out with others more than you do now and make more friendships than you have right now.
(1) Health--I read this week about several studies that show how important friendships are to long life. A study in California compared people’s social ties and found that they could predict people’s mortality rates. In other words, people who scored low on relationships were twice as likely to die as persons who scored high, even after taking into account a persons health habits.
A Stanford study found that by spending 90 minutes a week with a support group, women with metastic breast cancer doubled their average survival time.
And in a large study at the University of Michigan found that lack of social relationships is statistically just as dangerous as smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and lack of exercise. And while cigarrette smoking, for example, was related to several diseases, lack of friendships was tied to a much wider range of diseases. In other words it found that friendships were life saving. It even said that getting a pet, or a fish helped.
Warning Label: Friends Save Lives
(2) Financial Success. Studies have shown that financial success , even in fields like engineering are due 15% to technical knowledge, and 85% due to relationships. If you are a friendly person and can make freinds, it usually increases your chances for success.
Andrew Carnegie was one of America’s wealthiest people in the early part of this century--steel industry. He paid Charles Scwab $3000 a day. Why? Because he knew more about the manufacture of steel than most people? No. Because he knew how to relate with people. He aroused enthusiasm and teamwork in others. He was guenuine, friendly, and often complimented people. These relational traits earned him millions.
There is a danger in this area though. Think of the world of Holleywood or Washington D.C. When elected political office--all kinds of friends. And they’ll want favors. If you are a celebrity, you’ll never really know if people are interested in your friendship, or if they’re out to get something, like fame by association.
(3) Never know yourself unless you become authentic with people.
Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
Proverbs 27:6 "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
Bill, a carpenter said, "A friend is someone who tells me the truth about me. I want to know when my work stinks or I’m being hurtful or stupid. I expect my friends to save me from myself."
When you only have acquaintences you’re not going to get that kind of help. Several years ago, a close friend of mine told me I had the habit of criticizing people. My first reaction was, "No way. You’re wrong. I’m not criticizing people. You’re stupid. You idiot." Really. He was right on. I was insecure and needed to trample on other people to make myself feel good. But I didn’t realize that characteristic until my friend smacked me with the truth. Then I started saying, "Woah, God I want to find the good. Build people up. Look for the positive. Bring out the best, not the worst." Only my friend had the guts to tell me the truth, and I’m glad he did.
(4) Not only are friendships important to you--but it can mean life or death to others.
ILLUS: SIMPLE GESTURE-Chicken Soup for Soul, Vol 1, p 35.
Freindships are crucial--your friendships (many or few) have probably determined who you are today, more than almost any other factor.
ILLUS: 10 year high school class reunion. A guy I graduated with was one of my first real friends. We met in 4th grade. Played little league baseball together. We traded baseball cards, played football against the other kids in school. Sports fan since.
When I was a Junior in high school I had several friends who were complete opposites. One group loved God. One group could care less. The group who weren’t interested in hanging out with God were nice guys, but one got into cocaine, another became a heavy drinker, another got his high school girlfriend pregnant--and so on. One night some of us were playing around lighting M-80 firecrackers (which were illegal) when a car started heading straight towards us with its lights off...we all took off running. One guy ran into a tree, another ran into an unlocked house, I ran through someone’s back yard and heard a voice yell "Stop. Police." I kept running and hid in some leaves. It didn’t take long before the police rounded all of us up. Fortunately I didn’t get written up for anything, but that night I started to think about the friends I was running around with. And the other friends who loved God and wanted to do what was right. I said to myself, "Man, I better start hanging around with those Christians more and see what happens." I’ve never regretted it. I didn’t give up on those other friends, but man--a whole world opened up when I met Jesus Christ in a real way. I came to understand that they weren’t just interested in being my friend for what I could do for them--what they could get out of it...but they had this unselfish love. Since then I’ve met Christians from China, Russia, Mexico, Kenya, Malaysia, Yugoslavia, Nepal, Thailand, and Jamaica. And I’ve noticed that the very heart of Christianity around the whole world--is friendships. Loving relationships.
I went to the Bible and found out that loving relationships was at the very heart of true spirituality. It doesn’t matter if Introvert, Extrovert, Single, Divorced, Married, Young or old. Jesus said in John 13:35 "All people will know you’re my disciples if you LOVE one another." Not doctrines, dress, giving money, singing, or how many new churches are started. Love. I John 4:7,8 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."
I looked up the word Friend in the Greek. The New Testament written in Greek. Philos. Like Philosophy-friend of wisdom. Philadelphia--city of brotherly love. Key to friendship is Love
Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times."
Jeremiah 31:3 "I have loved you with an everlasting love--a love that will last forever."
We don’t love all the time. We don’t. But God does. We may wonder sometimes, but he does. He’s the perfect example of building lasting friendships. In fact...he builds friendships with people who hate him.
Romans 5:10 While we were God’s enemies, he made friends with us through the death of his Son. Surely now that we are his friends, he will save us through his Son’s life."
Even though all of us told God--get lost--I don’t care what you think. God said "I’m not getting lost. I’m sending my son, Jesus, into the world to live and die in your place." Then you’ll know once and for all how much I love you.
Friendships are crucial for better health, higher success, for self-improvement, for other people, and for guenuine religion--true spirituality. I want to challenge you to make friendships a priority. Let your friends know this week that you appreciate them. Mark out time on your schedule this week for lunch or just hanging out. And remember that God wants to be your friend as well.
James 2:23 "Abraham...was God’s friend."
Ex 33:11 "The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend."
John 15:15 "I don’t call you servants, but friends." Even if you don’t care anything about God, he will always desire your love and friendship.
Prayer
