I) DO NOT LET ANY UNWHOLSOME TALK COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTHS,
Words that tear down...
A) Words of abuse :
Parents who would never physically abuse their child may think nothing of verbal abuse.
1) Direct – name calling and put downs. Screaming tantrums,
2) Indirect - Sarcasm, teasing, harsh jesting.
Prov 26:18-19 (NIV) Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking!"
Good news : you can use words that build up.
B) Words of : judgment, fault finding, criticism
1) Judgment –
Belittling - his feeling, thoughts, or accomplishments.
2) Fault finding and criticism –
Often a perfectionistic parent w/ unrealistic expectations.
Message - God and I don’t accept you.
Good news : we can overcome perfectionism.
C) Words of : frustration and anger
Venting anger on defenseless children is unfair, uncaring, and unloving.
Good news : Frustration doesn’t have to lead to anger, anger doesn’t have to lead to hurtful words.
D) Words that discount
A discounting message reduces the value of a person.
A message that discounts is no bargain.
It can be denying :
1)The existence of a child’s fear. e.g. Fear of the dark.
2)The severity of a problem. e.g. "Its no big deal".
3)The solvability of a problem e.g. "You’ll never make it to college".
They learn to blame and devalue themselves.
Good news : depreciation can be turned into appreciation.
II) BUT ONLY WHAT IS HELPFUL FOR BUILDING OTHERS UP
Root word – oikoj (House)
oikodomhn - Arndt & Gingrich Greek Lexicon – process of building, construction. Figurative of spiritual strengthening, edifying, or building up.
Four building blocks for building up children : Speak words of :
A) Appreciation
Definition : to increase in value.
Appreciate :
1) Specifically – what do they do especially well.
2) Personally - who they are, not just what they do.
3) Sincerely – show them how God thinks of them.
4) Generously – maximize the good.
When we appreciate we are :
1) Building - their confidence in the Lord.
2) Countering - what other’s may say about them.
3)Valuing – who they are.
God highly values each child.
Ps 139:13-16 (NIV) For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
B) Encouragement and Affirmation
This builds a child’s :
1) Identity
This shows their identity is in Christ, not in hairstyles, clothes, friends, etc....
2) Courage
They won’t feel as pressured to fit in with the crowd.
It allows them to say "I am accepted regardless of what others think."
3) Confidence
It lets them know that you believe in them even when they don’t believe in themselves.
Pastor Joel Smith of Wellspring Community Church - "Marcia was labeled a "slow learner" early on in school. Her parents decided to bless her with encouragement and affirmation. Rather than push her to "hurry up" they praised her for being so methodical and sticking with it. She was invited to help in her parents’ Sunday School class. They noticed that she was patient with the kids and they understood the things she taught, so they encouraged her obvious teaching ability. One day she announced, "I want to be a teacher." Her parents encouraged the dream. After 61/2 years of college and several tutors, she graduated with a degree in education. Soon after her graduation, Marcia, the "slow learner," was offered a teaching position by a principal who noticed her excellent work.
C) Blessing
eulogia ulogia - Arndt & Gingrich Greek Lexicon "Speaking in favorable terms, praise, act of benefit or blessing.
eu = well, logoj = word
Importance to fathers :
Dr. J. Dobson “Some years ago, executives of a greeting-card company decided to do something special for mother’s Day. They set up a table in a federal prison, inviting any inmate who so desired to send a free card to his mom. The lines were so long they had to make another trip to the factory to get more cards. Due to the success of the event, they decided to do the same thing on Father’s Day, but this time no one came. Not one prisoner felt the need to send a card to his dad. Many had no idea who their fathers even were. What a sobering illustration of the importance of a dad and his blessing to his children.”
How do we bless :
1) With our words
Dr. John Trent “A blessing becomes so only when it is spoken... Spoken words of praise and appreciation gives the child an indication that he or she is worthwhile and valuable. It is not enough to provide a roof over our children’s heads or to provide them with food and the material necessities of life. Without spoken words of blessing they are left unsure of their personal worth and acceptance.”
2) With our time
The Rev. H.B. London Jr. of Focus on The Family writes about his relationship with his minister father that left much to be desired. Consumed with his church, his father, sadly, had little or no time for his family. London wrote, my father “was a great preacher. I only wish I had known him better. He was pretty much an absentee dad. I searched for a relationship with him until the time of his death.... To put your son in your lap and give your undivided attention is better than something from the toy store. To show up unannounced at a school function to root for your daughter is a gift she will never forget.” Time together is a precious and powerful way to pass a blessing on to our children.
3) With our caring touch Jesus used caring touch:
Mark 10:13-14 (NAS) And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
Mark 1:40-41 (NAS) And a leper came to Him, beseeching Him and falling on his knees before Him, and saying to Him, "If You are willing, you can make me clean." And moved with compassion, He stretched out His hand, and touched him, and said to him, "I am willing; be cleansed."
D) Confession
Reggie McNeal, A Work Of Heart “Common wisdom maintains that children are given to parents so parents can instruct them. The truth is, God gives children to parents to teach parents some things. Things like patience, and discipline, and self-sacrifice, and responsibility, and mercy, hope and forgiveness."
Admit to your children when you communicated incorrectly.
James 5:16 (KJV) Confess your faults one to another....
III) ACCORDING TO THEIR NEEDS, THAT IT MAY BENEFIT THOSE WHO LISTEN
Taylor make your communication...
A) Communicate according to their needs
Each child is unique...
i) Know their motivation
What moves them to action?
Internal (self-motivated) or External (others-motivated)?
You can motivate your child to greatness if you know what motivates them.
They will become what ever you tell them they can become.
- Are they leaders or followers?
- Do they work best in a group or by themselves?
- Are they more artistic or technical?
ii) Know their speed
Not just fast or slow -
Some are :
- Task oriented.
- Complete a task at one sitting.
- Enjoy immediate feedback.
Others are :
- Process oriented.
- Enjoy being precise.
- Are very accurate.
Consider this when communicating your expectations.
iii)Know their learning style
Remember when you were in school? Some teachers motivated you (Physics).
We learn through what we :
See
Hear
Do (feel)
We build them up when we teach according to their need.
B) Communicate according to their personality
Do you ever say...
My son is so absent minded - he thinks of too many things at one time.
My daughter is a hermit – she just stays in her room quietly.
My child is so sensitive – they cry if I look at them sternly.
He has a big mouth – he talks right over everybody else.
i) The Introvert
Let your introvert be an introvert. Give him space.
Encourage his active side.
ii)The Extrovert
Let your extrovert be an extrovert
Encourage his quiet side. Discuss feelings and thoughts.
CONC :
Let’s take every opportunity to build up our chldren.
