On his sixteenth birthday a son approached his father and said, "Dad, I’m sixteen now. When I get my license, can I drive the family car?" His dad looked at him and said, "Son, driving the car takes maturity, and first, you must prove that you are responsible enough. And one way you must do that is to bring up your grades. They are not acceptable. Second, you must read the Bible every day. And finally, you must get that hair cut; it looks outrageous." The son began the task of fulfilling his father’s requirements, knowing that the last might be impossible.
When his grades came out he went to his dad with a big smile. "Look, Dad, all A’s and B’s on my report card. Now can I drive the family car?" "Very good, son. You are one-third of the way there, but have you been reading the Bible?" the father replied. "Yes, Dad, every day," said the son. "Very good son. You are two-thirds of the way there. Now when are you going to get that hair cut?"
The son, thinking that he could out smart the father, responded, "Well, I don’t see why I should get my hair cut to drive the car. Jesus had long hair, didn’t he?" The father looked at his boy and said, "That’s right, son and Jesus walked everywhere he went."
Bruce Shelley, in a soon-to-be-published biography of Vernon Grounds, President Emeritus of Denver Seminary, tells of the occasion when an attorney, while working out in a gym, became friends with Dr. Grounds who was there lifting weights. The attorney’s marriage was crumbling. His wife wanted a divorce. And after a while he decided to talk with Vernon.
As the two discussed things, Vernon had him draw up a list of options on a piece of paper: 1. Stay in the marriage. 2. Separate temporarily. 3. Divorce. Then, since desperate events had driven the attorney to consult his new friend, Vernon urged him to add Number 4. Suicide. Then he said matter-of-factly, "And, of course, there is murder."
Not many things can shock a practicing trial lawyer, but this got his undivided attention. He began to object. "That never entered my mind." "Come now, Marty. You mean to tell me that a lawyer, who’s spent as much time in the courts as you have, does not know someone who will kill for money? Surely the thought has crossed your mind."
The attorney said later, "Vernon may as well have clubbed me with a baseball bat. He was right -- the name of such a person was instantly in my mind." "Write it down," he said. Then Vernon took the list and said, "Can we agree that, as Christians, murder is not a viable choice?" Marty nodded. "Can we also agree as Christians that self-murder, or suicide, is not a viable choice?" They went on to what were Christian alternatives. The whole exchange was so shocking that a decade later the attorney reflected, "I was in dire need of a serious dose of reality, and Vernon knew exactly how to deliver it."
In the newest issue of Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly tells of John Elway’s downward spiral after retirement from pro football in 1999. His business ventures failed. His twin-sister, Jana, died of cancer, his father died of a heart attack and his wife of 18 years, Janet moved out of the house with their four children.
Reilly quotes Elway as saying, “My whole life I had a carrot to chase. For 16 years winning the Super Bowl was my carrot. Everything revolved around that. All of a sudden there’s no carrot anymore, and you start wondering what you’re going to do with your life. You play golf or you try business stuff, but it’s not even close. You end up spinning yourself like a tornado. And here was Janet, who sacrificed all those years, thinking she was finally going to get me to herself.”
Conflict in families is a reality in our time. No family is immune to conflict. Some conflict is mild and some of it is serious as we see in these three illustrations. And ironically, one of the places that we need to learn how to effectively resolve conflict is in our families.
As we continue in this series on conflict resolution, we take time this morning to look at several important ways to create an environment in our families that can make effective conflict resolution possible in our families. Family life is essential to our growth and development as responsible adults and as mature Christians. As we read in Genesis God designed us from the start to be raised, to be nurtured, and to be loved in families. The Psalmist backs this up as we read in Psalm 68:6 "God places the lonely in families."
As God said in Genesis, "It is not good for man to be alone" because it is not good for us to be alone. We were not created to be alone. We have been created for community and family.
But, the reality is that being with family is unfortunately the last place on earth that some people want to be. Instead of being a haven on earth family life has become for some hell on earth either because of another’s actions or attitudes or choices or they have made it that way because of their own actions or attitudes or choices.
Our text for this morning, Colossians 3:18-22 speaks to ways to both prevent and resolve conflict in the family. It is a very important passage because it speaks to every member of the family - father/husband, mother/wife, and children.
But, before we examine this passage, I want to introduce a diagram that I have found to be very helpful in understanding the various options of conflict resolution. It is called the "Slippery Slope" and it is from Peacemaker Ministries.
(To the reader: I cannot give you a copy of this overhead because of copyright issues. It is available in a small business card format and can be viewed on the Web at www.hispeace.org/html/ss.htm)
Notice that there are three colors that represent three main types of responses to conflict. On the far left is a blue segment entitled "Escape Responses" that suggest three ways of escaping conflict - suicide, flight, and denial. All three, as we recall from two weeks ago, were a part of the disciples’ response to the arrest and death of Jesus Christ.
The center segment, in green, contains 6 types of "Conciliation Responses"- overlook, discussion, negotiation, mediation, arbitration, and church discipline. These are the best ways to resolve conflict. All of these are mentioned in the Bible in one way or another.
The far right section is highlighted in red. It contains 3 "Attack Responses" - litigation, assault, and murder. All three were a part of the arrest and trial of Christ. All three are very common today.
I am going to keep this overhead before us as we walk through our main text this morning. (Read the passage) Now I know that this passage always creates debate but instead of looking at it from a power perspective, as is often done, let’s look at it from a conflict resolution perspective.
I read this passage as part of a massive "quiet time" during the recent Promise Keepers gathering in Grand Rapids. Nearly 10,000 men sat quietly for 30 minutes and read this passage as part of one speaker’s presentation on the importance of Bible study. And it was during that reading that I realized that this was the text for this morning.
As I studied this passage I noticed something very interesting- that while the women and children are spoken to only once, the men are spoken to twice - once as husbands in verse 19 and again as fathers in verse 21. Have you ever noticed that? More of this passage is directed to the men than the rest of the family. What does that say to us?
We also need to notice the following actions in each verse:
A. Submit - as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.
B. Love - never treat them harshly.
C. Obey - this is what pleases the Lord.
D. Don’t aggravate your children - they will become discouraged and quit trying.
These actions provide us with the ability to create an environment in which conflict can be resolved. Why? Let’s dig deeper.
Until the end of time, verse 18 will always cause conflict because as many persons are painfully aware of the very idea of "submit" is used in all sorts of terrible ways, including domestic violence, to control relationships. But that attitude is not justified by verse 19.
Now, when this passage of scripture is preached, one’s attention is always drawn to the word "submit." And in our 21st century way of thinking, the whole idea of "submitting" for many people is preposterous. However, we must understand that when Paul tells the wife to “submit” he does not mean a “mindless” submission, but a very intentional giving up “as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord."
What kind of submission is fitting for those who belong to the Lord? One that brings honor and glory to God. One that reflects a love and a respect that creates a relational environment for a positive and Godly relationship to grow between wives and husbands. One that makes a conciliatory response possible during times of conflict. How so? Two words, respect and love.
We need to remember that Paul is writing to believers in the context of how to live out their faith in their community, via their home and workplace, and their church. What Paul is saying to the husband and wives, the fathers and mothers, and the children of the Christian community in Colossae is this, "Do you want others to see Christ in your life? Make sure they see it at home in your relationships with one another.”
A parallel passage to our text is Ephesians 5:21 - 6:4 in which Paul says the basically the same thing as he says here in Colossians. Now, he clarifies some of his statements made in the Colossian passage to more clearly indicate that a believer’s family life should reflect their commitment to Christ like Christ’s commitment to the church.
In both passages Paul makes it clear that a husband’s love for his wife should reflect Christ’s love of and respect for the church. In Galatians 5:25 we read, "And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ shows the church." What kind of love is that? Paul continues, "He gave up his life for her." It is a sacrificial love.
Jesus died for the church. Show me a husband who is willing to sacrifice not just his life but his career, and even his toys, for his family, and I’ll show you a man of God and a family in which conflict most likely is dealt with in the correct fashion because in sacrifice there is love and respect for those being sacrificed for.
When there is mutual respect and honor in the marriage; when a wife gives up her agenda as Jesus gave up himself for the redemption of humanity; when a husband loves his wife as Christ has loved the church, then conflict resolution becomes easier because the resolution grows out of a desire to honor the other and their needs.
Speaking of love and respect, I was a bit frustrated, even appalled, as I reviewed some of my illustration sources about children and felt most of them treated them with disrespect. Granted, kids do get parents and other adults "bent out of shape" from time to time and there are times when our children need firm discipline.
But, as our current headlines state, this is a troubling time in America for children. There is the rash of abductions and murders of children. There is the much-publicized inability of a state child agency to find missing child clients that the media found rather easily. Have we lost our respect for children?
One of the interesting effects of my own salvation experience was that my attitude toward my dad somewhat changed. Now I was only 8 years old when I made a public profession of faith. But I remember that when I encountered my dad afterward, I sensed my attitude changed toward him for the better. And I remember that I wanted to obey him and basically said as much. And over the years by and large I did obey him. But, like any son’s relationship with his dad, we had rocky moments when tension and conflict were present.
But, because I had made the choice to follow God, I knew through this experience and from what I was being taught at church, that I needed to honor and obey my parents. But, I also look back and realize that my "obedience attitude" was not always a good attitude. Much of the problem was due to fear-based obedience instead of love and respect based obedience.
The kind of obedience that Paul speaks of in this passage is based on love and respect not fear. But, how do we get there? How do we help children obey? By respecting them and Jesus illustrated respect for children when he told the disciples, "don’t you dare keep them from coming to me!"
Paul, as we discover in verse 21, also provides us with a way of helping children gain respect for their parents. He tells the dads, "don’t aggravate them. If you do, they will become discouraged and quit trying."
All of us here have been aggravators and aggravatees. What does aggravate mean? It means to irritate, exasperate, offend, and frustrate. When we aggravate an old injury we stress it to the extent that the injury reoccurs. It can’t take it anymore.
What does relational aggravation look like? Conflict. A relationship has been stressed to the point of breakage. Granted all relationships have moments of stress and strain.
But what Paul is speaking of here is a "going beyond" the breaking point to the extent that a child’s confidence and drive is shattered and he or she gives up. And we know what that looks like don’t we?
We also know what a confidant, not cocky or arrogant, but a confident child looks like as well. Most likely, there is respectful parenting taking place. There is an affirmation, a respect from the parents to the child, in place. And there is the right kind of conflict resolution as well.
When kids respect and obey their parents; when parents, especially fathers, hold their children in high regard and seek to encourage and empower them to be all that God desires for them to be; conflict resolution is more likely effective because of high regard that is going both ways.
So what is the formula for the right kind of conflict resolution in a family? It begins with developing a climate of love and respect toward all family members as a demonstration of Christ’s love toward us. In a family where love and respect is authentically practiced conflict can be more easily resolved.
CONCLUSION:
In your bulletin is an insert that provides us with a memorable way of learning how to negotiate, one of the ways we resolve conflict in a positive way. This is from Peacemaker Ministries and I offer it as a tool for conflict resolution not just in your family but in your life as well.
And by the way, John Elway and his family are back together. As Reilly writes, “Nobody does comebacks like Elway. He started to change. He’d go the Janet’s rented house and pull weeds in her garden when she wasn’t home. He went to the mall with her. “John hadn’t been to a mall in 16 years!” she says. He sent her roses every week, opened car doors, started hanging out with his kids.”
Notes Reilly, “Sometimes you think that you have to be a god when all you really need to be is human. Within a month the family was back under one roof. “Them leaving kind of woke me up,” John says. “It was like a two-by-four to the heart.”
Wives do you respect your husbands? Husbands do you love and respect your wives? Kids do your respect and appreciate your parents? Dads, and moms, do you respect and seek to honor your children?
As we begin a new school year, I encourage us as individual families and this family of God to demonstrate love and respect toward one another. As we do I believe that we honor and give evidence of God in our lives and that we will also create a climate in which conflict is more easily resolved.
Let us be open to the Holy Spirit on this matter. And let us do what is necessary to change. Amen.
