INTRODUCTION
SERMONIC THEME
Introduction: There are many stories about people who get into fights and conflicts about crazy things and the terrible results. In Orlando, a 48-year-old man was shot to death by his wife after a fight over the satellite TV controls. In California, a man was stabbed to death by his girlfriend because he brought home a McDonalds ham, egg, and cheese bagel instead of the two Egg Mcmuffins that she’d asked for. (Husbands, let that be a lesson to all of you -- get it right!) In Dallas, a 37-year-old man was beaten to death by his roommate after a fight over the thermostat setting in their house. In Maryland, a 15-year-old boy was charged in the shooting death of a man who was playing reggae music on his car stereo. Apparently, the boy really hates reggae music. Just last night, I saw on Headline News where a man pleaded guilty to killing a 19 year old man over a Play Station game in Nevada.
Transition: There’s a story in the Old Testament about two men and a misunderstanding over a well of water. Rest at ease, they handled their situation much more appropriately than our modern day examples handled theirs. They decided that they would build a long-term relationship and overcome their differences.
Title: Building Relationships that Endure
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Text: Genesis 21:22-34
Background: Abraham and Abimelech had a prior relationship that was anything but positive and so they each went their separate ways. What prompted this? [Read Genesis 20:1-7].
Genesis 20:1 Abraham journeyed from there to the Negev region and settled between Kadesh and Shur. While he lived as a temporary resident in Gerar, 20:2 Abraham said about his wife Sarah, “She is my sister.” [Think about this. You’re new in town. You have a large household with flocks and herds. And you’re also known for your ability to fight. Someone is bound to notice you. Abe’s fear was that all of this entourage would attract the attention of some very powerful people. When they would come to investigate, Sarah was so unique and beautiful, that he was afraid that these people might take his life for her. So Sarah get’s to play the “baby sister” role.] So Abimelech king of Gerar [a powerful ruler] sent for Sarah and took her. [Evidently, she was going to become part of the harem.] 20:3 But God appeared to Abimelech in a dream at night and said to him, “You are about to die because of the woman you have taken, for she is someone else’s wife.” 20:4 Now Abimelech had not gone near her. He said, “Lord, would you really slaughter an innocent nation? 20:5 Did Abraham not say to me, ‘She is my sister’? And she herself said, ‘He is my brother.’ I have done this with a clear conscience and with innocent hands!” 20:6 Then in the dream God replied to him, “Yes, I know that you have done this with a clear conscience. That is why I have kept you from sinning against me and why I did not allow you to touch her. 20:7 But now give back the man’s wife. Indeed he is a prophet and he will pray for you; thus you will live. But if you don’t give her back, know that you will surely die along with all that belong to you.” [That kind of thing tends to have an impact.] 20:8 Early in the morning Abimelech summoned all his servants. When he told them about all these things, they were terrified. 20:9 Abimelech summoned Abraham and said to him, “What have you done to us? What sin did I commit against you that would cause you to bring such great guilt on me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that should not be done!” 20:10 Then Abimelech asked Abraham, “What prompted you to do this thing?” 20:11 Abraham replied, “Because I thought, ‘Surely no one fears God in this place. They will kill me because of my wife.’ [While I’m certainly not defending Abraham’s deception, he understood that godless people take other people’s wives. This prompted his deception. But surprising enough, Abimelech was Godfearing.] 20:12 What’s more, she is indeed my sister, my father’s daughter, but not my mother’s daughter. She became my wife. [It’s a blended family. I get the feeling that maybe Abraham is from Kentucky where the family tree tends not to branch! You have to remember, Abraham predates the Law, the Bible, which banned such unions (Lev. 18; Deut. 27:22; 2 Sam. 13:13). On one level, he’s right; on another level he condemns himself.] 20:13 When God made me wander from my father’s house, I told her, ‘This is what you can do to show your loyalty to me: Every place we go, say about me, “He is my brother.”’” 20:14 Then Abimelech gave sheep, cattle, and male and female servants to Abraham. He also gave his wife Sarah back to him. 20:15 Then Abimelech said, “Look, my land is before you; live wherever you please.” 20:16 To Sarah he said, “Look, I have given a thousand pieces of silver to your ‘brother’. This is compensation for you so that you will stand vindicated before all who are with you. 20:17 Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelech, as well as his wife and female slaves so that they were able to have children. For the Lord had caused infertility to strike every woman in the household of Abimelech, because he took Sarah, Abraham’s wife. [I’ll bet Abimelech thought “I’m never going to do that again.”]
Nevertheless it became obvious to Abimelech that something more needed to be done. With the birth of Isaac, It was becoming increasingly apparent that Abraham was going to be settling into this area of the country.
Recitation: The narrative’s structure unfolds in THREE MOVEMENTS:
Abimelech Requests an Oath
Genesis 21:22 At that time Abimelech [a Philistine King] and Phicol [fi-kol], the commander of his army, said to Abraham, “God is with you in all that you do. [Abimelech and Phicol recognized that Abraham enjoyed special divine provision and protection. Have you ever told someone, “God is with you in all that you do”? We usually are too upset with our own failures or too insecure with life to extend ourselves that far. But if you want to be a blessing, tell someone this.] 21:23 Now swear to me right here in God’s name that you will not deceive me, my children, or my descendants. Show me, and the land [the people] where you are staying, the same loyalty that I have shown you.” [He’s saying, “Don’t lie to me like you did before. Deal with me honestly. He’s doing this in an eloquent way.”] 21:24 Abraham said, “I swear to do this.” [Note how short and terse Abe is compared to Abimelech. Abe is open to the idea, but he’s got this burr under his saddle. He’s agitated. If you asked your wife, “Honey, would you like to go to dinner?” she’ll usually respond one of two ways. First, “Yes, that would be wonderful. I would love to go have dinner with you and chat about your day.” Second, “Emmmmm, yeh.” The first response tells you, “Hey, I’m good to go!” The second response tells you: “You better play your cards right, because this “baby” could go south in a heart-beat!” Well, Abraham responded, but it was more like the second response, than the first. He’s agreeing, but with some hesitation. When someone agrees with hesitation, you better explore that.]
Dispute Resolved and Treaty Granted
21:25 But Abraham lodged a complaint against Abimelech concerning a well that Abimelech’s servants had seized. [I’m sure that well-digging was hard work back in 1500 BC. Losing control of one is not good. Water was priceless. Abimelech’s servants had taken it by force.] 21:26 “I do not know who has done this thing,” Abimelech replied. “Moreover, you did not tell me. I did not hear about it until today.” [We don’t know what all was said over this well, but here’s how it was resolved…] 21:27 Abraham took some sheep and cattle and gave them to Abimelech [This is perfectly normal in a barter economy]. The two of them made a treaty. [Abraham agreed to make a covenant of peaceful coexistence.] 21:28 Then Abraham set seven ewe lambs apart from the flock by themselves. 21:29 Abimelech asked Abraham, “What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs that you have set apart?” 21:30 He replied, “You must take these seven ewe lambs from my hand as legal proof that I dug this well. [He wants this well!]
The Place
21:31 That is why he named that place Beersheba [well of the seven; of the oath], because the two of them swore an oath there. 21:32 So they made a treaty at Beersheba. Then Abimelech and Phicol, the commander of his army, returned to the land of the Philistines. 21:33 Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba [This presupposed a constant supply of water and intent to stay in the region. This kind of tree also grew about 30 feet tall.]. There he worshiped the Lord, the eternal God. [Finally, the promises that God made to him are beginning to be fulfilled.] 21:34 So Abraham stayed in the land of the Philistines for quite some time.
Key Word: We find FOUR PRINCIPLES for Building Better Relationships that Endure in this Old Testament story.
Principal #1: Believers should agree to the whole idea of peaceful relationships.
Exposition: A Philistine King even recognized the value of this and of being proactive in avoiding unnecessary future conflicts. He took appropriate action to make sure of peace. God’s promised favor was upon Abraham and therefore his entourage was growing. Abraham was acquiring more livestock and more people, therefore he would soon need even more area to support them and the only available pasture was in what was considered Abimelech’s territory. Abimelech rightly perceived this as a potential conflict so he takes the initiative in resolving this problem before it starts. In essence, he comes to Abraham and says, "Let’s come to an agreement and understanding." In this act he reveals the first principal of building better relationships that endure the test of time. He wanted to live in peace. “Right here, right now, Abraham, let’s get a mindset of peace toward one another.”
Observation: Most people are reactive that is they wait for conflict to manifest itself and intensify before they do anything to try and resolve it. Like Abimelech, we need to use godly wisdom to see potential conflicts coming and respond accordingly. Abimelech along with Phicol (Chief of Staff) seek to enter into a covenant relationship with Abraham. This was the typical way in ancient times that people and nations avoided conflict. God’s servants are people that establish peace, especially when it is requested.
Application: This is true when dealing with neighbors, employers, or anyone else. If you’re in a blended family situation, get together before you all start living under the same roof and establish this mindset of peace. Now, there are times when you can’t foresee a problem. That’s when a good attitude is critical. But, if possible, learn from the past mistakes, and think ahead and try to set things up in a way that makes for peace.
Illustration: When I first came to SCC there was a situation that blind-sided the board and me. One of our board members resigned in one of the very first board meetings that I had here. Among the reasons given for leaving was an inability to get along with me. This person submitted papers, the church key, and didn’t even stick around to talk about it. We were all left, shaking our head and not sure what to say. Everybody was kind of looking at me like “Man, wonder what he said to her to make her that mad!” No one really knew me at that point. One person told me later: “Oh boy,” they thought, “Here we go again.” We learned from that. And now, every year when we send out the nomination packets to potential committee members, we include in that packet something we call “The Leadership Covenant.” Since, committee members may be elected as the chairperson of their respective committees, and thus represent their committee on the church board, all duly elected committee members are potential board members here at SCC. They must be aware then of “The Leadership Covenant.” [Read this covenant] We’re avoiding future conflicts as well as establishing a standard of excellence for our church leaders. It’s called being proactive to avoid potential problems rather than reactive when they unexpectedly happen.
Principle # 2: Believers should be honest with others.
Exposition: You would think that this is a given in the Christian life, but it isn’t. Dishonesty is a big problem and it eats away at relationships. Abimelech asked Abraham for an agreement not to harm him or his entourage, which is not unusual but he also adds one unusual phrase to the wording of the agreement when he says, "Swear... that you will not deal falsely with me or my children or my descendants." Why would Abimelech use this phrase? Past experience! Abraham’s deceitfulness about Sarah’s relationship to him had caused problems in the past and Abimelech recognizes that dishonesty can be a source of conflict in the future.
Observation: Isn’t it ironic that the two things Abimelech knew about Abraham were that God was with him and that he was a dishonest man? That’s why he was pursuing something official, some guarantee that he would not be harmed. Dishonesty had broken down the relationship. There’s a subtle rebuke in this story.
Explanation: It is amazing how many conflicts are caused or magnified by simple dishonesty. In Ephesians 4:25 we are told to “put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor...” The context of this Scripture passage deals with unity so it again is showing us how dishonesty spoils positive relationships. Abimelech could never have a positive relationship with Abraham until he was sure he could trust him. This could only happen if Abraham was honest from this point forward. Principle # 2: Deal Honestly With Others.
Application: In practice this means being honest but kind.
Principal #3: Believers should be open to resolving past conflict.
Exposition: The presence of conflict is part of life. The resolution of conflict is also part of life for the believer. There were few things of more importance than water in the Middle East; so many serious disputes arose over the rights to water both then and even today. On one extreme, Abraham could have just kept quiet about this stolen well and stewed about it. It is good to overlook offenses but if the problem is serious or ongoing then we are instructed to go to our brother and point out the perceived problem. On the other hand, Abraham could have been irate with Abimelech and escalated the problem. Abraham chose to be balanced and open about this. He understood that many problems are constructed in our thinking simply because we don’t know the facts. I’m sure there were days that Abraham probably got all worked up over this well that Abimelech’s servants had taken control of. It was a burr under his saddle and the worse thing of all was Abimelech didn’t even know he was offending Abraham. Abraham could have given Abimelech the “cold shoulder” and then left him to try to figure out what he had done wrong. But instead, Abe said, “Abimelech, there’s a well that you have that belongs to me.”
Explanation: Sometimes problems and conflicts are made much worse by not being open about the problems with the person who has offended us. We may talk to everyone else but not to them. Often in our efforts to keep the peace we make things worse by not speaking up. This is true at work where we may not be up front about issues that are bugging us. This may be the case with a neighbor when we’re not open about a serious divisive issue or it may be in the church when we are not sharing our real concerns in an appropriate manner.
Illustration: It is easy for people to deceive themselves into thinking that if they ignore a problem long enough it will go away. Unfortunately, problems rarely--if ever--disappear. The longer we ignore them, the worse they become. Ignore a chest cold and it can become pneumonia; ignore a knock in your engine, and eventually it will blow; ignore a conflict with your child, and it can result in total rebellion. Principal #3: Be Open About Problems. Sometimes we never get problems or conflicts solved or come to a mutual understanding because the offended person assumes that the offender knows of the problem. We act as if people have a sixth sense about these things or we assume that our subtle remarks and innuendos are clear, when they are not! Openness is essential.
Application: Approach those who may be in control of some “watering-place, some well” that we feel belongs to us. It may be a piece of relational real-estate where we feel we deserve a more prominent place. It may be a positional thing. “There’s a position that I know I could do. I get overlooked every time.” It may be a marital problem. If she is spending too much time with her friends and he is spending too much money on his toys, then ignoring the problem will only exasperate the problem. Be open about problems in an atmosphere of love, humility, and privacy. Don’t involve people who don’t need to be involved. It was just Abraham and Abimelech working through an issue honestly. When you approach someone in this manner, put a lot of energy into being likable. Smile often. Listen and understand. Compliment and affirm. If you must disagree, disagree with a smile.
Principal #4: Believers must use their peaceful, prosperous life to serve God.
Exposition: Abimelech wanted this treaty because he saw that God was blessing Abraham and that soon, Abraham and his servants would be greater than Abimelech himself. In an indirect way, Abimelech is saying, “Abraham, when you are wealthy, strong, and powerful, please be kind to me and my people.”
Explanation: Even though Abraham emerges from this narrative as the greater of the two, he was compliant to Abimelech’s request. They set up a treaty. Abraham was saying that should the LORD continue to bless his life, he would make sure that he would not use those blessings just for himself, but would also show kindness to his neighbors.
CONCLUSION
Illustration: John Maxwell has a unique way to express what he has to say. I once attended a seminar that he taught entitled, “Four Skills Seminary Never Taught Me.” They were attitude development, leadership skills, equipping skills, and relational skills. In the section on relational skills, he addressed the issue of identifying and dealing with difficult people.
§ First, there’s the Sherman Tank. They lead by intimidation. They will try to roll right over you with an “I’m right; you’re wrong” aggressive attitude.
§ Second, there’s the Space Cadet. They live in their own world. They don’t respond normally. Life must be simple in order to function.
§ Third, there’s the Volcano. They are explosive and unapproachable.
§ Fourth, there’s the Thumb-Sucker. This person is just full of pouting and self-pity.
§ Fifth, there’s the Wet Blanket. They see a problem with every solution.
§ Sixth, there’s the Garbage Collector. They surround themselves with negative people and point out the worst in people.
§ Seventh, there’s the User. They view others as a resource and will drain them of both time and energy if that’s what it takes to make them feel better.
Application: As Christians we will have times of conflict due to the kinds of people in the world; sometimes with a neighbor who seems to be an unbearable Sherman Tank, sometimes with an employer who is like a Volcano, a customer who is a User, or government official who seems overly demanding or unfair, sometimes with a relative, fellow Christian or even another church. The answer to handling these type problems is not revenge, hostility or avoidance of the problem or reverting to the tactics of these. Choose to be proactive, honest, and open. Live in peace, resolve conflict, and use your God-blessed life to impact your neighbor. This is the choice that I set before you today as you endeavor to Build Better Relationships that Endure.
