LET’S REMOVE THE SCARLET D
Matthew 23.4
"They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them."
INTRO: Let me say up front that I believe that marriage is meant to be a permanent covenant between one man for one woman, forever. Although I have experienced the terrible trauma of divorce, I am not a proponent of it. I contend that no one hates divorce more than a Christian who has been through one. But I have a concern that goes beyond the breakdown and collapse of a Christian marriage.
A. For example, what do we do with William S., whose wife abandoned him, filed for and gained a divorce and then remarried her adulterous lover? Rather than his church embracing and comforting him, he now lives alone in an empty unfurnished apartment and is no longer allowed to hold his volunteer office as Boy Scout director in the church he has been a member of for more than twenty years "until he gets his personal life sorted out." He is lonely, confused and angry and readily admits his culpability in the attitudes and failures that led his wife to her life-shattering decision to leave. He is a man virtually without family, friends or church. Although he is assured by his church that "we are praying," no one calls or visits. William feels twice wounded, once in his own home and again "in the house of his friends" (Zech.13.6). He sits alone in depression and remorse night after night and has confessed that he has fantasized about suicide more than once. Meanwhile his church indifferently goes about the business of church, a business in which William no longer has a part. He is, in practice, shunned and ostracized, stigmatized by a personal failure he regrets more than anyone else. "I feel like an outcast, or something," says William. "It’s like I got this big capital ‘D’ tattooed on my forehead so that everyone can avoid me, something like that big Scarlet ‘A’ I read about in college."
B. More painful stories.
1. In reply to a recent article concerning divorced Christians, here are some response letters to the editor of a denominational publication revealing the depth of frustration among divorced people toward the church and its ministry to them:
a. "I wish [the church] understood how much I needed them, how hurt, troubled, lonely and spiritually vulnerable I was and how their silence built a wall that separates us. . . . I didn’t realize they needed to see my bruises to believe there were abuse issues. Most of all, I wish they understood how much they could have helped, how desperately I longed for someone to pray with, someone to touch, to talk with, to hear my pain. Not acknowledging my presence and tears as I sat by them in the pew pierced my soul so that it is now safer to worship at home in front of the TV. I still need to hear from them." --Bonnie, Wisconsin
b. "Why should divorce be viewed as different from any other sin? Singles are on the fringe of the church; divorced singles are on the outer edge of that fringe. . . . Is there a stigma that congregations don’t want to catch or have influence their children?" --Ennis, Michigan
c. "Divorce is the death of a relationship. No one brought me divorce casseroles, sent sympathy cards or put a book in the library in memory of this death. But I truly grieved this experience." --Sandra, Pennsylvania
d. "My divorce happened 15 years ago. But I remember that I felt as if the church had abandoned me and my ex-wife. We needed to be surrounded with God’s forgiving love.’" -- Tom, California
e. "I’ve lost a lot of family and friends due to their ignorance about divorce. I wish they could lean on their faith and use it to open a door in their hearts to support, love and understand. Love from God, family and friends makes it possible to rebuild our lives and self-esteem. . . . At times I feel very alone. The extended hand of someone who cares would be a great lift". --Debbie, Pennsylvania
f. Our congregations ignore those who have gone through divorce and tend to drive them away. In 1988 I struggled with whether to continue to make church a part of my life. Since then I’ve been part of three congregations where the nuclear family orientation has often felt oppressive. At one the pastor clearly expressed, ‘We are too small to service those who are not part of a nuclear family.’" --James, Illinois
B. The divorced/remarried Christian has become the modern leper -- the person everyone feels sorry for but no one wants to touch. They are the outcastes of evangelical Christianity, the forever dishonored and perpetually stigmatized, the Hester Prynnes of the Church, forced to wear their nefarious scarlet "D" just as Hester wore her scarlet "A." It is as though the divorced and remarried Christian is a threat to the idea of the nuclear family advanced by the church and are, therefore, in many Christian circles, treated as adversaries and not allies in the cause of Christ.
I. A sad contraction
A. One of the sad contradictions of our modern church, which professes to continue Christ’s "ministry of reconciliation" (2 Cor. 5.18) to our ravaged culture wasted, in part, by a national divorce rate approaching 50%, seems to be its general unwillingness to sincerely face the issue. Real ministry to this swelling subgroup is virtually nonexistent or, at best, more symbolic than genuine. This is especially ironic in light of another sobering, if not stunning, fact that in the U.S. the divorce rate is highest among conservative evangelical Christians than among the general population and, ironically, higher still in the Bible Belt (Barna, 1999). This sad fact implies, at the very least, that the modern church’s legalistic approach to marriage and divorce is simply not working. In frantic efforts to stem the tide, pat sermons that remind the shakily married that "God hates divorce," often communicates to the 50%+ adults occupying their pews, the already traumatized divorced, that, just maybe, a God so loathing of divorce, may detest the divorced, too.
1. When it comes to divorce and remarriage, everyone appeals to Scripture, some on this side of the issue, some on that -- but no one comes to a consensus. Scores of books, taking one position or the other (and there are many), are available to support anyone’s point of view. Most are written, I fear, more from a dogmatic than a pragmatic point of view.
2. While diagnostic-type sermons may recognize the malady, they seldom offer remedies. Decidedly, they are not holding back the tidal wave of divorce in the church. Trite platitudes like, "There are no innocent parties in divorce" and "God hates divorce," only muddy already troubled waters. Family programs that exclude divorced singles, and church ministries and ecclesiastical offices that bar remarried Christians from participation, only further wound them. To sternly remind the already-divorced that there are "only" two (some say one, others three, and a few, none) "scriptural grounds" for divorce (and possible remarriage) does little to minister to the large percentage of them that, regrettably, may have initiated the divorce without legitimate justification but who have, since causing an irreparable breach, appealed for forgiveness from a loving God (from whom I am certain they have obtained it) and from an often less-than-loving Church from whom they have yet to secure it.
3. Statements, like the following taken from BibleAnswes.com, have little redemptive value. The commentator ends the usual discourse on why divorce among Christians is always wrong and remarriage is never permitted (and is, in fact, flagrant adultery), by offering this advice: "To repent of adultery one must get out of the marriage in which adultery is being committed. Repentance demands it. Christ will accept nothing less. How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? (Rom. 6:2)" On paper, or in this case, monitor, that is a startlingly dogmatic naive solution to a very complex problem. It would probably foster more evil than good if followed.
II. At what point do we become merciful?
A. At what point do we pause in our heroic efforts to stem the tide of the national epidemic of divorce and take a more objective (by that I mean one not clouded by presuppositions, conventions and, yes, even possible misinterpretations of scripture) and take a more compassionate look at our traditional approach to ministry (or, perhaps I should say, failure of ministry) to this large and growing American subgroup? When do we admit that our application of the grace of God is, perhaps, flawed? When do we recognize that our ministry to this fallen group is not ministry at all; rather, it is the inexcusable, and all-too-common religious practice of shooting our wounded?
1. Here’s a reality check: someone (I think it was Leonard Sweet)has observed that when you stand at the Pearly Gates, would you rather be told you were too forgiving or that you were too judgmental?
2. Would we rather be accused of being too merciful or too merciless?
B. So, rather than return to a heated debate on whether or not divorce and remarriage is acceptable for Christians (there are plenty of bookstore and online resources available on this subject), I want to focus on a basic Christian precept Jesus laid down for us in Matthew 23.23: "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices--mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law--justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former," and ask ourselves if, perhaps, in our scrupulous efforts to be faithful to our interpretation of God’s Word, we have failed at such things as fairness, sympathy and loyalty toward those who have been wounded by prior failures and sins, both victims and victimizers. Have we, in our zeal, become victimizers ourself?
1. Like the Pharisees of old, we callously, as our Lord said, "crush you with impossible religious demands and never lift a finger to help ease the burden" (Matt.23.4).
2. Jim Smoke writes, "For too many years, the phenomenon of divorce took on a familiar look, where the husband left the wife for a younger woman, leaving her distraught, distressed and rejected. The man marries the other woman and appears to live happily ever after while the wife struggles to pay the bills, balance home and work, and become a capable single parent. Hence, men are perceived as the victors in ‘Divorce Country’ and women as the victims. But that classic scenario is no longer the rule. In 21 years of ministry in the divorce-recovery field, I have watched thousands of men toil through the devastation divorce brings into their lives. They . . . are the hidden statistics we don’t hear about. In almost every divorce there is a guilty party and a victim; one who initiates the divorce and one who is injured by that action."
III. What do we do with the guilty party?
A. I know much has been written about the scriptural right of the injured party in a divorce, the victim’s, to remarry and/or serve Christ "on biblical grounds," but I have found practically nothing that faces the church’s obligation of ministry to the guilty party in a divorce, the adulterer, or the one who, on nonbiblical grounds, files the divorce petition, perhaps not just once but multiple times. Can these perpetrators find a place of forgiveness and restoration in the church? Or are they persona non grata in the church of Jesus Christ -- the same Jesus, by the way, who found time to minister forgiveness to a serially-married Samaritan woman and again to yet another married woman seized in an act of adultery? At no time, in his ministry to them, did he deny them the full measure of God’s amazing grace or service within the kingdom. In fact, the Samaritan woman was given free license to herald Christ’s gospel among her people, which she did with great effect, planting the seeds that would one day be harvested by Philip (Acts 8).
1. Must the divorced/remarried Christian, especially the "guilty party" in the tragedy, live in perpetual contrition? Is there no place of full forgiveness, even restoration and wholeness, for this poor penitent? Do we make their past act of infidelity and sin a perpetual life of adultery because of a grievous sin, mistake or miscalculation? Do we accept their repentance or do we usurp an entitlement of unforgivness that the Lord does not even allow himself?
2. In a sermon on this subject, J. David Hoke of Grace Horizon Church, Voorhees NJ, said, "But while those are the biblical grounds for a divorce, what about those who have divorced outside those grounds? To those, we have to say that what they have done is to sin against God and against their partner. If there is the possibility, they need to go and be reconciled to the one they divorced. If one of them has remarried, then they must simply cast themselves on the mercy of God in repentance and ask for forgiveness. They must call it what it is - sin. There was no reason for it, and there is no excuse. But at the same time, let me hasten to add that the sin of divorce is no different than any other sin. It is not the "unpardonable" sin. And to make it otherwise is to sin an even greater sin, the sin of self-righteous spiritual pride. The sinner who casts himself upon Jesus in sincere repentance will find forgiveness. And we must forgive those whom God forgives. It is sad, but in some churches, you could be forgiven of murder, but not divorce. I want you to know that God can heal and restore divorced persons and can use them in His Kingdom, not as second-class citizens, but in the same way he uses all saved sinners. Nothing is closed to you."
CONCLUSION. A Message to the Church (Ten Commandments for the Church)
[The following "commandments" were suggested by an online article by Al Maxey and is used with permission. For the complete article go to http://www.zianet.com/maxey/Down11.htm.] The group to whom God extends a vital message with regard to this matter is perhaps the most critical of all to the success of the healing process: The church. This universal body of believers is "the pillar and support of the truth" [I Timothy 3:15, NASB], but, has it truly been upholding truth in its teaching concerning divorce and remarriage? The "called out" of God have further been given the responsibility of the "ministry" and the "message of reconciliation" [II Corinthians 5:18-19], but, has its message been one of reconciliation, or alienation? If the church is anything other than a redemptive, healing fellowship, then somewhere along the way it has lost sight of its mission. If its proclamation is not one of grace, love, forgiveness and acceptance, it has lost sight of its message.
What specifically are the responsibilities of the church with regard to those experiencing the trauma of divorce and the stigma of remarriage? Consider the following Ten Commandments with which the church should seek to comply in order to promote the healing process, and to possibly prevent such covenant breakdowns in the future:
Commandment One — Thou shalt promote prayerful, in-depth study of God’s Word on marriage, divorce and remarriage in every congregation of believers.
Before the church can presume to speak intelligently and convincingly for God on any subject, it must first be thoroughly acquainted with the entirety of His teachings relevant to that issue, and their application to the challenges and temptations of daily life. "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God" [I Peter 4:11]. What was God’s original intent for marriage? What provisions did He make in the Law for the heartless actions of men in violation of that intent? What message of grace and healing is extended through Jesus Christ and the apostle Paul? Do we know?
Before the church can ever effectively promote healing, it must promote education. God’s people must know God’s mind. Without that knowledge, which is gained only through careful, prayerful examination of His revealed Word, the church is ill-equipped to offer the guidance so desperately needed in the world today.
As a part of this education process the local congregation of believers must insure that all preconceptions and prejudices, all opinions, traditions, and biases drawn from one’s religious heritage are set aside in favor of an honest, open, free investigation into God’s revealed truth. Genuine truth has absolutely nothing to fear from such a process; truth remains truth regardless of the intensity of the investigation — only one’s misconceptions need fear exposure. Entering into such a study with the right attitude will assure that change will be embraced if one’s previous position is found to be inconsistent with the teachings of God’s Word. May the people of God be honest enough and courageous enough to change, even in the face of criticism, when God’s truth is perceived.
Commandment Two — Thou shalt take seriously thy obligation to train up thy young people in the knowledge of God’s IDEAL for marriage, and the consequences of failing to achieve it.
Although this is very similar to the first commandment, in that it involves education, it is far more specific in focus. The church has a responsibility to its youth that when shirked results in the gravest of consequences. A lost generation can easily develop through a failure to faithfully impart God’s teachings.
"Train a child in the way he should go" [Proverbs 22:6] is good advice! The local congregation of believers should insure that its youth, from infancy forward, are exposed constantly to the beauty of God’s IDEAL, both in teaching and in practice. With such training they will be better equipped to resist the temptations of the world to depart from the way in which they should go.
Commandment Three — Thou shalt not debate and divide while the distressed lie neglected upon thy doorstep.
It is said that while Nero fiddled, Rome burned! In like manner, while the church debates the numerous personal preferences and practices associated with divorce and remarriage, the divorced and remarried themselves are ignored. Victims are in need of love, not lectures; devotion, not debate. A church divided over the issue of divorce is a church incapable of effectively ministering to the divorced.
Look to the example of Jesus. While the Pharisees debated whether it was right for one to heal on the Sabbath, Jesus healed on the Sabbath. Jesus did not spend months in heated debate over the tedious tenets of their religious tradition; He simply did what was right! He healed. The church spends far too much time debating, and far too little time doing! The time has come for the people of God to set aside the religious wrangling, and begin living up to their calling. It is time to promote a ministry of healing, and proclaim a message of hope.
Commandment Four — Thou shalt seek ways to render practical assistance to victims of divorce.
A woman or man who has been put away by a faithless spouse, especially if that woman has children still at home, is probably going to need a great deal of practical assistance to face the challenges of daily existence. They may need to secure employment. Day care for young children may need to be obtained. Managing a budget, or coping with finances, may be unfamiliar territory. The list of possible concerns, many of which may be immediate and critical, is endless.
Such tasks, on top of the stress of the divorce itself, can quickly become overwhelming. The church must be prepared to provide immediate assistance to the victims of divorce who may be temporarily unable to cope with the cares which have suddenly been thrust upon them. Don’t wait for their circumstances to become so desperate that they are forced to seek the help of the church — go to them first, and graciously demonstrate the love of Christ in action.
Commandment Five — Thou shalt utilize thy members as a resource.
There dwells within virtually every community of believers several members who have experienced divorce and remarriage. Some were victims, some were victimizers; some healed quickly, others struggled through the process. The church in the city of Corinth had within its ranks those who previously had been sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexual offenders, thieves, drunkards, slanderers, and swindlers. However, they had been washed clean, sanctified, and justified by God’s grace at work in their lives [I Corinthians 6:9-11]. Imagine the wealth of wisdom and support such transformed people could provide!
Congregations which utilize these members to reach out to their fellow members in pain, and also to the unbelieving public around them, are wise indeed. Victims of divorce need loving support; they need healing; and what better place to find it than among God’s people. By providing this living resource to the general public, as well as to one’s own members, a congregation of believers not only extends the parameters of God’s ministry of healing, but also opens the door for evangelistic opportunities.
Commandment Six — Thou shalt allow the divorced to actively serve in the work and worship of the church.
Although the apostle Paul seems to indicate a man who has previously dealt treacherously with his wife may not serve as a spiritual leader to the people of God, nevertheless the divorced can, and should, be allowed to serve in all other areas of the work and worship of the Lord’s church. The Scriptures do not indicate that a divorce renders one a second-class citizen in the kingdom of God, or that it renders one unfit for active service in that kingdom.
Further, it will facilitate the healing process of those experiencing the breakdown of a covenant of marriage if they are kept active and working. And what better type of activity with which to be engaged than service to God and His cause. Thus, the church should not restrict the areas in which these forgiven men and women may labor for their Lord.
Commandment Seven — Thou shalt associate with those who have been divorced and remarried.
Although such a commandment may seem rather strange on the surface, it is a sad fact that many of those who have suffered through a divorce find themselves ostracized by their fellow believers. Perhaps believing they might become defiled by association, some in the church have blatantly refused any form of fellowship with those they deem to be "unclean." Such behavior is unworthy of those who profess to be followers of the Lord.
Jesus constantly kept company with those whom the "religious" of His day felt to be unworthy of their acceptance and association. The Lord refused to allow these self-righteous hypocrites to prevent Him from reaching out to those in need of healing. In so doing He shocked and shamed the very ones who should have been leading the way in lifting up the fallen. The people of God must not become so righteous in their own sight that they are unwilling to embrace those who are struggling with sin in their lives, or who may be the innocent victims of the sinful actions of others.
Commandment Eight — Thou shalt not place restrictions and burdens upon the divorced and remarried that the Lord God Himself has not.
Where has God authorized His people to ostracize those afflicted with the loss of a covenant relationship? By what authority are they banned from involvement in the work and worship of the church? What Scripture declares them unclean, unsaved, and unworthy of one’s fellowship? What declaration of our Lord denies them hope, healing, and the opportunity to strive for the IDEAL again in a future relationship?
The Pharisee who thanked God in prayer that he was superior to adulterers [Luke 18:11] did not receive justification from the Lord. Being far more concerned with the exactness of religious forms and outward appearances than with compassion for the plight of one’s fellow man, the Pharisees were repeatedly condemned by Jesus Christ. Their legalistic perspective succeeded only in adding burdens and imposing restrictions upon those already being afflicted and weighed down by "the powers of this dark world" and "the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" [Ephesians 6:12]. To inflict further abuse, rather than proclaiming a gracious message of hope and healing, is simply to affiliate oneself with the forces of the enemy.
The church is called to ministries of reconciliation and restoration; to be a first-aid station for those wounded and weary from the battles of life. It is to be the pillar and support of truth, not the pillar and support of tradition or personal preference. The church must be a community of believers committed to healing, not hindering; to mercy and compassion, not legalism and ritualism; to lifting burdens, not imposing them. "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" [Galatians 6:2].
Commandment Nine — Thou shalt listen, not lecture.
There will be occasions when one who is experiencing the trauma of a marital collapse will seek out someone with whom they can share their burden, and from whom they can seek spiritual guidance and encouragement. At such times some are sorely tempted to begin sharing at length with these "poor souls" the vast treasures of their own insights. Resist this temptation! They don’t need a dissertation on the dilemmas of divorce — they’re living them! They simply need someone who will care enough to quietly and compassionately hear them out; who will allow them to release perhaps years of unexpressed hurt and frustration.
One of the chief qualities of an effective counselor is the ability to listen. Draw them near with words of assurance and comfort; pray for them and with them; show them the love and grace of God. In short, respond to them as Jesus would. As His ambassadors of grace, we must do no less!
Commandment Ten — Thou shalt demonstrate in action the love, mercy and grace of God unto those who are divorced and remarried.
If the above qualities are not to be found in the church, then where may the afflicted go to discover them?! The nature of God is to be reflected in the attitudes and actions of His people. God is love — we, therefore, must be a people of love! Jesus is the light of the world — thus, we must push back the gloom and darkness of this world with the light of His life and teachings.
The people of God are in a unique position to offer comfort, compassion, and caring to those who are down, but not yet out. By lifting them to their feet, providing them with a safe haven, and embracing them with the loving acceptance of the Father, the church can set the fallen back on the pathway to healing — and, ultimately, to heaven.
Jesus Christ stated, "You will always have the poor among you" [John 12:8]. This is no less true of the divorced. It is a life situation which demonstrates no evidence of subsiding; indeed, with each passing year the numbers rise. The people of God are daily being challenged by this condition, and the world watches as they respond.
Will the church ignore the situation and hope it goes away? Will they debate it and divide over it, while the cries of the wounded go unheeded? Will they formulate a restrictive theology that keeps the victims of divorce at arms length? Or, will they respond in love, extend hope, and promote healing? God, in His Word, has clearly portrayed the IDEAL, and has displayed how He responds in those situations where His original intent for marriage has failed to be achieved. His teaching is clear, concise, and consistent; His grace is evident in every passage.
Over the years, the simple teaching of Scripture with reference to marriage, divorce and remarriage, however, has been all but obscured by the construction of a complex system of theology built largely upon the foundation of personal preferences and traditional biases. As a result, the hurting are not being healed, and the despairing are not being given hope.
The time has come to dismantle the elaborate, tangled labyrinth of theology constructed by men, and return to the crystal clear message of hope found in Scripture. This article is humbly submitted in the hope it might in some small way assist in effecting that change. It is also presented with the fervent prayer that God may use it to open men’s eyes to His matchless love and grace for those who are hurting, and that it may serve to facilitate the healing, and motivate the healers, of those who are down, but not out!
