THE DO’S & DON’TS OF RESTORING RELATIONSHIPS
Genesis 45:1-15
August 4, 2002
INTRODUCTION:
If you think your family has problems, consider the marriage mayhem created when 76-year-old Bill Baker of London recently wed Edna Harvey. She happened to be his granddaughter’s husband’s mother. That’s where the confusion began, according to Baker’s granddaughter, Lynn. She said, “My mother-in-law is now my step-grandmother. My grandfather is now my step-father-in-law. My mom is my sister-in-law and by brother is my nephew. But even crazier is that I’m now married to my uncle and my own children are my cousins.” From this experience, Lynn should gain profound insight into the theory of relativity. (Campus Life, March, 1981, p. 31)
Unfortunately most stories of messed up relationships aren’t so funny. It is no laughing matter that half of all marriages in the church are ending in divorce. However, this message is not just about marriage relationships, but all relationships. We are going to take a look into an episode in the life of Joseph in order to learn the do’s and don’ts of restoring relationships. Learning and applying relational skills is vitally important because God made us to live in relationship with others. When Adam was alone in the garden God saw that it was not good for him to be alone. We can only live in relationships. We need each other.
A rather crude and cruel experiment was carried out by Emperor Frederick, who ruled the Roman Empire in the thirteenth century. He wanted to know what man’s original language was: Hebrew, Greek, or Latin? He decided to isolate a few infants from the sound of the human voice. He reasoned that they would eventually speak the natural tongue of man. Wet nurses who were sworn to absolute silence were obtained, and though it was difficult for them, they abided by the rule. The infants never heard a word -- not a sound from a human voice. Within several months they were all dead. (Joe E. Trull)
Studies have also shown that single men are jailed more often, earn less, have more illnesses and die at a younger age than married men. Married men with cancer live 20% longer than single men with the same cancer. Women, who often have more close friendships than men, survive longer with the same cancers. Married or not, relationships keep us alive. (Dr. Bernie Siegel, Homemade, May, 1989)
Clearly healthy relationships are vital to our very lives. So let’s look together at an encounter between Joseph and his brothers so we can learn the biblical principals for restoring relationships. Please follow along in your Bibles as I read Genesis 45:1-15 . . .
1. DON’T MAKE A PUBLIC SPECTACLE OF THE OTHER PERSON. (v. 1)
Years before Joseph’s jealous brothers sold him into slavery in order to get rid of him. He lived as a slave in Egypt for years and was then thrown in prison on trumped up charges. After years of life in prison he was set free because he was able, with God’s help, to interpret a disturbing dream that Pharaoh had. He was placed in charge of all Egypt and was second only to Pharaoh himself. In his new position Joseph prepared Egypt for the famine prophesied of in the dream. When the famine came Joseph’s brothers were forced to go to Egypt in search of food. Joseph recognized his brothers, but they didn’t recognize him and so he devised a little test to see if they would still sell out one of their brothers. They passed. When Joseph decided to reveal his true identity and confront his brothers he first cleared the room so that it could be done in private.
There was a great deal of wisdom in that move. If someone has wronged you in some way the last thing that you should do is broadcast that everywhere. Let me say right up front that there are some serious exceptions to that rule. For instance, in the case of rape or other violent abuse the appropriate authorities need to be notified for your own well being and for the safety of others. However, in most situations you need to confront the individual or individuals in private. If you confront them publicly or go around telling people what they did you will only make matters worse. The Bible says, “If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man’s confidence, or he who hears it may shame you and you will never lose your bad reputation” (Proverbs 25:11). It has been said that “Gossip is the most deadly microbe. It has neither legs nor wings. It is composed entirely of tales, and most of them have stings.” (Morris Mandel in Bits & Pieces, June, 1990, p. 22) So the next time you are tempted to talk about someone T.H.I.N.K. before you speak.
T -- is it true?
H -- is it helpful?
I -- is it inspiring?
N -- is it necessary?
K -- is it kind?
If what you are about to say does not pass those tests, keep your mouth shut.
2. DON’T BOTTLE UP YOUR FEELINGS. (v. 2)
I guess Joseph didn’t buy into the philosophy that real men don’t cry because when he confronted his brothers he wept openly and loudly. He didn’t suppress or bottle up his feelings, but he let them out in a healthy manner. If our emotions are bottled up they’ll eventually blow up. God created us to be emotional people and we shouldn’t try to deny that. If you are trying to act one way while feeling another way, you are being emotionally dishonest. If we are going to restore relationships, we must start being emotionally honest with one another.
If we are going to be emotionally honest with one another, we must let our true feelings out. If someone did something that hurt you and made you angry there is nothing wrong with telling them how it made you feel. Being angry is not a sin. The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). The Bible says that it is ok to be angry, but it is not ok to stay angry. How to we avoid staying angry? By letting emotions out instead of bottling them up. When anger is bottled up it will build up until it blows up. The Bible says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). We can avoid giving “full vent” to our anger by letting of a little steam as necessary.
In 1948, Betz and Thomas classified 45 Johns Hopkins medical students in three personality groups on the basis of psychological tests and questionnaires. The group that was prone to losing control of their emotions was labeled “gammas”. Thirty years later, Betz and Thomas looked at the health records of the former students. They found that 77.3 percent of the gamma group suffered from major disorders, including cancer, high blood pressure, heart disease and emotional disturbances. The incidence of disorders was only 25 percent among those who could control there emotions. The doctors repeated the study on another group of 127 male students from the classes of 1949 through 1964 with similar results. (Readers Digest, November, 1979)
Controlling our emotions is literally a matter of life and death. An emotional blow up will never make things better in bad relationship so we need to start being emotionally honest with one another.
3. DON’T PUSH AWAY THE OTHER PERSON. (v. 4)
During this very emotional time Joseph called his brothers to come close to him rather than pushing them away. Too often when people wrong us we respond by pushing them away. Surely you can see that we will never restore a relationship with someone we are pushing away. If we are to restore relationships, we must begin drawing close to those who have hurt us.
I will grant you that sometimes we need a break from the other person. Joseph spent years apart from his brothers before this day came. But if healing is going to take place we must eventually come together because restoration never occurs during separation. Its time to stop shutting them out and start letting them in.
4. DO COMFORT THE OTHER PERSON. (v. 5)
Joseph calmed is brother’s fears. When they realized that this powerful and important man was really their brother they also realized that he was in the perfect position to exact revenge. However, Joseph tells them that they do not need to be distressed. The greatest comfort that you can give to someone who has wronged you is forgiveness. William A. Ward said, “Forgiveness warms the heart and cools the sting.” The Bible says, “You ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow” (2 Corinthians 2:7). Karl Menniger, the famed psychiatrist, once said that if he could convince the patients in psychiatric hospitals that their sins were forgiven, 75 percent of them could walk out the next day!” (Today in the Word, March 1989, p. 8)
The art of forgiving is a spiritual grace every Christian should develop. Here are some practical suggestions for putting forgiveness into practice.
1) Begin by assuring yourself that compared to Christ’s suffering you haven’t been seriously wronged at all.
2) Recall the many kind deeds that have been shown to you, perhaps even by the person who has harmed you.
3) List the benefits you have received from the Lord.
4) Thank Him for blessing you with His love and forgiveness each day.
5) Make an honest effort to pray for the one who has injured you.
6) Go even further by looking for an opportunity to help him.
7) If the offense is especially hard to forget, try to erase the memory by thinking gracious and generous thoughts.
8) Finally, before you fall asleep at night, repeat slowly and thoughtfully that phrase from the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” (Roy L. Smith)
5. DO MINISTER TO THE OTHER PERSON. (v. 7)
Joseph was in the perfect position to make his brothers pay for what they had done to him, but he does just the opposite. He declares his intention to minister to their needs brought on by the famine. Galatians 5:13 says, “Serve one another in love.”
In 1972, NASA launched the exploratory space probe Pioneer 10. According to Leon Jaroff in Time, the satellite’s primary mission was to reach Jupiter, photograph the planet and its moons, and beam data to earth about Jupiter’s magnetic field, radiation belts, and atmosphere. Scientists regarded this as a bold plan, for at that time no earth satellite had ever gone beyond Mars, and they feared the asteroid belt would destroy the satellite before it could reach its target. But Pioneer 10 accomplished its mission and much, much more. Swinging past the giant planet in November 1973, Jupiter’s immense gravity hurled Pioneer 10 at a higher rate of speed toward the edge of the solar system. At one billion miles from the sun, Pioneer 10 passed Saturn. At some two billion miles,it hurtled past Uranus; Neptune at nearly three billion miles; Pluto at almost four billion miles. By 1997, twenty-five years after its launch, Pioneer 10 was more than six billion miles from the sun. And despite the immense distance, Pioneer 10 continued to beam back radio signals to scientists on Earth. “Perhaps most remarkable,” writes Jaroff, “those signals emanate from an 8-watt transmitter, which radiates about as much power as a bedroom night light, and takes more than nine hours to reach Earth.” The Little Satellite That Could was not qualified to do what it did. Engineers designed Pioneer 10 with a useful life of just three years. But it kept going and going. By simple longevity, its tiny 8-watt transmitter radio accomplished more than anyone thought possible. So it is when we commit ourselves to serving the needs of those who harmed us in the strength God provides. God can work even through someone with only 8-watt abilities. The Bible says, “If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 4:11). When you are tempted to think that you don’t have the power to help those who have harmed you remember that God is your source of strength.
CONCLUSION:
In conclusion, we see that restoration results in celebration. In verse fourteen we see that Joseph and his brothers threw there arms around one another and kissed one another. It reminds me of the celebration that took place when the prodigal son was restored to his father or the celebration that takes place in heaven every time a sinner is restored to a right relationship with God. It is a biblical principal that restoration results in celebration. It is that celebration that makes the hard work of restoration worthwhile.
One day an angry man rushed through the Rijks Museum in Amsterdam until he reached Rembrandt’s famous painting “Nightwatch.” Then he took out a knife and slashed it repeatedly before he could be stopped. A short time later, a distraught, hostile man slipped into St. Peter’s Cathedral in Rome with a hammer and began to smash Michelangelo’s beautiful sculpture, The Pieta. Two cherished works of art were severely damaged. But what did officials do? Throw them out and forget about them? Absolutely not! Using the best experts, who worked with the utmost care and precision, they made every effort to restore the treasures. Surely our relationships are more worthy of restoration than mere pieces of art.
J. Stuart Holden tells of an old Scottish mansion close to where he had his little summer home. The walls of one room were filled with sketches made by distinguished artists. The practice began after pitcher of soda water was accidentally spilled on a freshly decorated wall and left an unsightly stain. At the time, a noted artist, Lord Landseer, was a guest in the house. One day when the family went out to the moors, he stayed behind. With a few masterful strokes of a piece of charcoal, that ugly spot became the outline of a beautiful waterfall, bordered by trees and wildlife. He turned that disfigured wall into one of his most successful depictions of life in the Scottish Highlands. (Swindoll, The Quest For Character, Multnomah, p. 49) No relationship is beyond the restoring power of our God if we will only cooperate by practicing these five steps.
PRAYER:
BENEDICTION:
Verse sixteen of our text tells us that Pharaoh was pleased to learn that Joseph and his brothers had restored their relationship. Jesus said in John 13:35, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
As you restore relationships may a watching world learn of God’s love. Amen.
Please email me if you use this sermon or a revision of it. Thank you.
Steve Dow
Heritage Wesleyan Church
www.forministry.com/80909hwc
heritagewesleyan@hotmail.com
