“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.” (Psalm 127:3-5)
James Craig is a bow hunter. He had to work this morning, but he has been kind enough to share with me a few of his arrows. It’s easy to see that they can be quite different from one another. Some have plastic vanes, others have actual feathers. They can have different tips, they can be different lengths. Some are designed for target competition, others are designed for hunting. Some for hunting fish, some for birds, some for large game.
But arrows are also very similar -- each has been carefully fashioned and crafted, molded and balanced. They’re all intended for flight. They’re all intended for a target. They’re all intended for maximum impact on that target.
It’s Father’s Day, and I am reminded today that I am blessed to be the father of three children -- Charity, Amber and Joshua. They’re all very different from one another. They have different looks, different interests, different personalities. But they’re also very similar because each of them was fashioned and crafted by the Lord God. And each of them is being molded, balanced, and readied for flight in our home.
You see, arrows are designed to fly. James uses his arrows for target practice, for hunting. His arrows aren’t for show. They were never intended to stay in a quiver. The quiver is just a vehicle that carries them until they are ready for release. You might say that arrows were made to be released. They were made to fly. They were made to pierce a target.
So it is with my children. David said, “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.” They were never intended to stay within the four walls of our home. Our home is a merely a means to prepare them and mold them and straighten and balance them. But the time is coming -- coming very soon, in fact -- when they will be released. They were made to fly. They were made to pierce a target.
Our children were designed by their Creator to make an impact on the world. To live for a reason. To set their minds toward a goal. To accomplish a purpose. To count for something in God’s great scheme of things. God once said of Abraham, “For I have known him, in order that he may command his children and his household after him, that they keep the way of the LORD, to do righteousness and justice…” (Genesis 18:19).
Now ultimately; of course, our children are responsible as individuals before their heavenly Father for the flight they take and the mark they make. But I realize that, as a father, as a warrior, I’m also responsible to release those precious arrows to the best of my ability.
Carol Kuykendall has written: “Letting go is a God-given responsibility as important as love in the parent-child relationship. Without it, without release, children cannot grow. With it, they gain the confidence and independence to seek and reach their potential in life. ’Give your children roots and wings,’ the old saying goes. Love them and protect them, nurture them with a strong sense of God and family and then -- let them go.”
Releasing our children is an important part of being a parent, but it’s not an easy thing to do.
Why is it so hard to let go? Why is it so difficult to pull back on the bow and just let it fly? Because it contradicts everything we are as parents! We fear our loss of influence. We don’t want to give up our parental control. We have spent so many years taking care of these children who are so dear to us, those who have hatched in our own little nest. After all, from the day they were born, we have been responsible for their provision and protection. We’ve shielded them. We’ve prayed for them. We’ve agonized over them. We’ve fought for them. And, let’s face it, this business of "letting go” diminishes our role. And that doesn’t feel good.
But we must let go! In John 3:30, there’s a turning point in his ministry where John the Baptist said of Jesus Christ, “He must increase, I must decrease.” That describes well the role of a parent with our own children. They must increase; but we must decrease. Their personal responsibility to the Lord must increase; their personal responsibility to Mom and Dad must decrease.
When you have bonded over a lifetime that began with utter dependence on you and has developed with progressive independence from you, it’s very, very difficult to relax the white knuckles of that parental grip. There’s a sense of loss.
And that’s another reason it’s hard to let go. It’s not only painful, it’s also confusing. You would think that smothering your child and abandoning your child would be on opposite ends of the spectrum But for most parents, they’re a razor’s edge apart. When am I smothering? When am I abandoning? When am I doing too much? When am I doing and saying too little? When am interfering? When am I neglecting? It’s not easy to know! There doesn’t seem to be any in-between.
But, as difficult as it may be to let go of our children, there are also some real positive sides to it. There is a sense of accomplishment. There is a sense of completion. There is a sense of rightness. It is done. As Jesus said repeatedly, “I’ve done what the Father asked Me to do.” Despite the pain of loss, there is a deep, underlying sense of relief that we’ve actually accomplished what God has given us to do.
Releasing our children also allows us to impact the world in a way we could never do by ourselves. Think about it. Many years ago, the invention of the bow and arrow changed the face of warfare forever. For the first time, a warrior could impact a battle scene from a great distance. In a similar way, we can impact the world through our children in a way we could never do by ourselves.
Jesus once said to his apostles, “He who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do….” (John 14:12). At first, you might think, “How could the apostles do greater works than what Jesus did? Jesus walked on water, Jesus healed lepers, Jesus raised the dead. But Jesus’ point was that his personal influence was limited to a small area and a small number of people. The apostles would be able to accomplish so much more because they would be able to spread out over the face of the world. And they did! I anticipate that whatever I may be able to accomplish in life, my children will do greater works.
Paul said the same thing to the Corinthian Christians, “You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men.” (2 Corinthians 3:2). What he meant by that is also true of our children. Everywhere they go, people will look at them and see the results of our teaching. To make a personal application, there are hundreds of people in Australia right now who have been impacted by Sueanne and myself. We’ve never been here, we probably never will be. But by preparing Charity and sending her out, she is able to accomplish things that we never could. That’s one of the benefits of an arrow. And that’s why you have to let go before it can accomplish anything.
But letting go isn’t something you do all at once. It’s not a one-time act. It’s a lifelong process. Launching your children is something that is progressive in nature. It’s like shooting a bow and arrow. You go out and practice releasing the arrow over and over until you feel like you’ve mastered it enough to go out and do some serious hunting.
So God, in His magnificent wisdom, provides us multiple opportunities to practice the releasing of our children before that climactic release when they sever ties and leave home for good. In fact, if you stop and think about it, parents start releasing their children from the moment of birth. There is that small matter of cutting the umbilical cord. From the moment of conception, there is this intricate, intimate sharing of two life systems. And then with a snip, that sharing is over. Suddenly you’re holding a little independent life system in your arms.
There are many, many more such snips over the years, aren’t there?
Following birth, there’s the weaning of the child from the breast or bottle. The graduation to strained squash and other such appetizing foods.
Parents, do you remember the first time you left your children in the hands of a baby-sitter? What an experience that is! I don’t remember what it was Sueanne and I did when we went out, but I do remember that we didn’t much enjoy ourselves. Her mind was on those children the whole time.
Or how about the first time you left your children at home without a baby-sitter? You go through this long routine. Make sure you stay inside. You keep the doors locked. If anybody comes to the door, it’s too bad -- you don’t open the door. You don’t know anybody. You don’t recognize anybody. Don’t turn the stove on. Don’t do this, don’t do that. We’ll be gone for one hour and then we’ll be back. It’s tough to do, but it’s a practiced release.
How about the first day of kindergarten, the first day they climbed on that huge bus to go off to school by themselves?
How about their first bicycle? You have to stand back a little bit, don’t you? And there have to be some crashes if some skill is going to be developed.
Nancy McConnell once said, “Being a mother is a lot like teaching a child to ride a bicycle. You have to know when to hold on and when to let go. If you lack this courage to let go, you’re going to get very tired of running along beside.” There’s a world of wisdom in that observation for mothers and fathers.
Do you remember your child’s first overnight stay at a friend’s house? Or the first week at a summer camp? Or their first date?
And then comes that time when he or she gets that coveted driver’s license and drives off down the road alone for the first time. Yet another practiced release.
One of the last practiced releases may involve them going away to college, or taking a trip without you to another state or a foreign country (like Australia). How do you suppose Timothy’s parents felt when Timothy said, “I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to travel around the country with Paul and preach the gospel.”?
Truth is, there are a thousand practiced releases. Each one of them can help us develop our technique; each of them can help bring us to the point where we’re ready to let go for good.
So, those of you are young parents, I encourage you to start practicing now with that target in mind. From the moment of birth to the moment they move out on their own, practice releasing them.
And it’s important that the arrow know when it’s being released. It ought to register in that arrow’s pointy broadhead: This is a special moment. This is a special privilege. This is a departure from the norm. Mom or Dad is letting go a little right now..
But there’s one more important thing to be considered -- what’s the target? What are we releasing our children to? Life is too short to make random shots into the air. Time doesn’t allow for the kind of thinking that says, “I shot an arrow into the air; it fell to earth I know not where.” Those God-given arrows of yours are too precious to waste.
First of all, you’re releasing them to adulthood. You’re letting them grow up. You are releasing your son to manhood and your daughter to womanhood. If you’re a student of God’s Word, you’ll have a clear view of what the "bull’s-eye" for manhood and womanhood look like.
You’re releasing them to a personal responsibility to God. Moses told the people of Israel, “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). As parents, we want to teach our children to have a faith in God and a love for his word. But as they step out on their own, it must be their own personal faith, not an inherited faith. We have to prepare them for that.
As we release them, we prepare them for marriage. God designed us as men and women, and He designed us for marriage. Not that it’s impossible to be a fulfilled and complete person apart from matrimony, but it’s normal for a young person to look forward to finding that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with. God created us to live out specific roles within that marriage relationship. As we teach God’s intentions for those roles and live them out in our marriages under the watchful eyes of our children, we prepare them for their own marriages and homes.
Someone has said, “Our goal is to produce kids who can emotionally leave home, kids who can come to love somebody else more than they love their parents.” And that’s true.
We release them to full responsibility for their own well-being. That includes responsibility
-for their own living place
-for their own bills
-for their own health
-for their own insurance
-for their own relationships
-for their own walk with God
and for all the other things that are part of life and well-being on this planet. We release them to full responsibility for those necessary burdens.
In his own comical way, Bill Cosby described what has to happen in a commencement address at the University of South Carolina a few years ago:
“All across this great nation people are graduating and hearing they are going forth. My concern is whether they know where forth is….Forth is not back home. We love you and we are proud of you, and we are not tired of you.. but we could get tired of you. Forth could be next door to us, but you pay the rent.”
That’s tough on the kids, but it’s tough on us parents, too. Because once those arrows are launched, there are no strings attached. It’s like the father of the prodigal son in Luke 15 watching his son walk out the door to live on his own. It’s something he’s got to do. He’s got to let his son make his own mistakes. And as much as he wants to tell his son how to live, he grants him complete freedom. Because the arrow is flying on its own now. That means there will be mistakes made from time to time. And it also means there will be consequences for those mistakes.
True love, the kind of love God demonstrates in scripture, doesn’t remove consequences from decisions or choices. And that thought may be a little frightening to that young adult who is out on his own. But with that bit of fear comes an exhilarating sense of responsibility, a strong sense of encouragement and affirmation. My parents have loved me. My parents have encouraged me. My parents are cheering me on. My parents have not abandoned me. My parents are not glad to be rid of me, but affirm me in my launching and the direction I’m taking. They have completed their task. I have roots and now I have wings. A grown child ought to know these things.
And at some point will come that final release. I read about the wedding of a fellow named John. At the rehearsal dinner, John’s mother, was seated at the front table with John, his bride, and the bride’s parents. At one point at the dinner, she stood up and pulled out a beautifully wrapped box. She unwrapped it and held up one of her favorite old aprons. Holding the apron high for everyone to see, she reached into her purse and brought out a big pair of scissors. Then she snipped off the apron strings and handed them to John’ bride-to-be. She said, "Never again, will I have the same place in John’s life. You are now the woman in his life.”
It was a moment of formal releasing, in front of many witnesses. And the most significant witnesses of all were a young bride and groom. It was a profound moment.
Perhaps one of the things we need to restore in our families is a sense of release, a moment in time when everybody involved in our child’s life realizes, "This young person is now responsible for his or her own life." That can come in any number of ways.
Let me share with you how Stu and Linda Weber did it. When one of their sons graduated from college, they wrote a message on a parchment and had it framed. It said:
“’As arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." To a world very much needing his character, his gifts, his skill, and his love for Christ, we, Stu and Linda Weber, do proudly and humbly announce in the manner of our heavenly Father, this is our beloved son, Kent Byron Weber, in whom we are well pleased. Like an arrow fashioned not to remain in the quiver, but to be released into the heart of its target, we release Kent to adulthood. We know him to be thoughtful, capable, and mature. He is the message we release to a world we will never see. He is a man. We release him to his manhood and all of its responsibilities. To the finding and cherishing of a godly and supportive wife, to the begetting and raising by God’s grace and design of believing children. And to the commission of the lord Jesus Christ Himself to go into all the world, making followers of all people, teaching them to observe the rich and life-giving truths of His holy scriptures.
Kent, we love you, we’re extremely proud of you, and we release you to the target of being all you can be in Christ. You will always be our son. You will never again be our little boy. Thank you, Kent, for having graced our lives with your remarkable sonship. You have blessed us richly.
"Be strong therefore, and show yourself a man" (1 Kings 2:2).
“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." (1 Corinthians 16:13).
Your very fulfilled parents, Stu and Linda Weber.
May God grant those of us who are blessed to be fathers (and mothers as well) the strength to draw our bows to the full and the wisdom to release our arrows with practiced skill. May we make every arrow count.
I don’t know how you relate to what I’ve said this morning. Some of you are parents of young children still practicing release, some are parents of young parents about to fly on their own, some of you let the arrows fly many years ago. Or perhaps you relate to the fact that you are a child who is being released by your parents.
However differently you may relate to what I have said, we all relate the message to God in the same way. We are all children whom God our Father has released and given the freedom to make our own choices, our own moral decisions. It may be that the choices you have made have kept you close to God. Or it may be that, like the prodigal son, your choices have carried you far from God.
