“Covenantal Friendship” I Samuel 18-20
It usually comes as a shock to discover that not everyone accepts us just the way we are. There is something about each of us that causes others to reject us. Yet we hope others will like us; after all, we think we’re likable! The fear of rejection is what causes us to not risk rejection. Several years ago John Powell wrote a book entitled, Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? The reasons is, you might reject me. When we reach out to others, they don’t always reach back. So why risk trying to be someone’s friend when it hurts too much to be rejected?
David may have initially thought King Saul was his friend. He played music to soothe the king’s fits of depression. He defeated Goliath in battle. Yet Saul saw David as a threat and sought to kill him. We read about David’s popularity in ch. 18:5-9,
“Whatever Saul sent him to do, David did it so successfully that Saul gave him a high rank in the army. This pleased all the people, and Saul’s officers as well. When the men were returning home after David had killed Goliath the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with tambourines and lutes. As they danced, they sang: ‘Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.’ Saul was very angry; this refrain galled him. ‘They have credited David with tens of thousands,’ he thought, ‘but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?’ And from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David.”
As far as Saul was concerned, David was his enemy. In the following verses we see that the next day as David played his harp instead of healing there was hate. Saul hurled his spear at David, yelling, “I will pin David to the wall” (I Sam 18:11). It was a one-sided, irrational hatred, as is often the case.
It’s always disorienting to be attacked when we’re doing something good—doing our best and then suddenly we’re violently opposed. We expect to get called on the carpet for doing wrong; we don’t expect it for doing right. David was caught in circumstances beyond his control. Have you ever had someone who disliked you for no apparent reason, or for reasons you couldn’t do a thing about? Some people dislike us because of our ethnic origins, our nationality, our faith, or our occupaion. All we can do is love them back—not an easy task, but love is required of believers.
Interwoven throughout Saul’s murderous plotting is the extraordinary friendship between David and Jonathan. Saul’s son Jonathan was David’s closest friend. In chapter 20 we’re told that David loved Jonathan as he loved himself (vs 17). Jonathan attempted to bring about reconciliation between his father and his friend. He appointed himself as mediator, representing David before Saul. He nearly lost his own life in the process. Saul was so angry at Jonathan for defending David that he hurled his spear at his son. In the middle of the king’s madness, these two friends sought to understand Saul through conversation and prayer. But it wasn’t easy.
Family and friendships involve loyalty. Jonathan’s relationship with God gave him the ability to face conflicting loyalties. Friendship with David complicated Jonathan’s life enormously. He remained loyal to his father, yet also loyal to David. At first, Jonathan found it hard to accept that his father wanted David dead. When he learned the grim truth, Jonathan did not desert his father, yet neither did he forsake David. In the process, he learned that close friendships can bring about challenging difficulties. Conflict can test the depth of our friendships; it can also strengthen these ties. Jonathan risked losing his father’s favor and his own future. He was the heir to the throne. Yet these friends drew closer together when their friendship was tested. This is because their friendship was based on commitment to God. After helping David escape, Jonathan lived out his friendship in circumstances that were anti-David, yet the circumstances did not cancel out the bond of friendship. Jonathan remained with his father, in hostile conditions, loyal to both, to the end.
Jonathan was committed to David, and in verse 4 he offers a tangible sign. In recognition of God’s choosing David as king, Jonathan handed David his royal robe and his sword, transferring to David his own status, to include the right of kingly succession (18:4). Jonathan had nothing to gain by this gesture, but everything to lose. He could have viewed David as his rival, yet his heart was united with David in tender affection. Jonathan understood that while his father was still nominally king, David was already Israel’s anointed leader. Jonathan realized that David was set apart by God. Rather than serve as king, he was ready to serve David. He wanted God’s will to be done; he wanted what was best for Israel. Yet no one would have been surprised had Jonathan chosen to be David’s enemy. But the way to destroy enemies is to make them your friends.
Would you help a friend get promoted, even if that meant you might not be selected for promotion? In the military, one of our biggest systemic problems is cutthroat competitiveness. Career soldiers often believe that the only way to get ahead is to “look our for number one.” And if this means walking over others, so be it. Their “belief” affects their behavior. We can get caught up in “playing politics” and lose sight of what is best for the organization. Some form and nurture political “friendships” just in order to gain access to power. It takes a servant spirit to want to help others, and to befriend people who we can make successful; people who probably won’t make us successful. It often takes sacrifice to help peers. Knowledge is power, and many people refrain from sharing what they know on purpose, not wanting to share any power.
This past Wednesday SSG Perez and I traveled to 1-7 ADA Bn in K-Town to conduct a Command Climate Survey. As I back-briefed LTC Locke the Bn Cdr, I remarked that the leadership projected an attitude of caring. LTC Locke smiled and said a big reason why his unit was successful was that all the Battery commanders were friends. They worked together in harmony, looked out for one another, and genuinely liked each other. That’s how it’s supposed to work.
A friend is someone who protects you. Jonathan sought to protect David when he learned of his father’s intentions and warned David. He assured David in 20:13, “If my father is inclined to harm you, may the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away safely. May the Lord be with you as He has been with my father.” Then Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David (vs 16). Covenants are not merely promises; they involve relationship. You can make a contract, a treaty or a binding resolution with an enemy, but a covenant is made with a friend. After warning David he states in vs 42, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the Name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever’.”
While David was hiding from Saul at Horesh, in the Desert of Ziph (chapter 23), Jonathan “helped him find strength in God”, saying “Don’t be afraid. My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this” (vss. 16-17). After this encouragement, they then renewed their covenant of friendship before the Lord. Do you ever need to be comforted or to be a comforter? I’ve learned over the past 23 years that if you stay in the Army long enough you’ll be sometimes assisting others and at other times you’ll be in need of assistance. A true friend is someone compassionate and humble enough to offer and accept help. Perhaps Solomon was reflecting on his father’s deep friendship with Jonathan when he wrote, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).
Without Jonathan, David might have abandoned his calling and returned to tending his sheep. Or he might have developed a murderous spirit of retaliation to get even with Saul. He had the opportunity on several occasions. He did neither. In accepting Jonathan’s friendship, David received confirmation of God’s election and the prophet Samuel’s earlier anointing as king of Israel. Jonathan’s friendship encouraged David to persevere. He was divinely-placed in David’s life and helped David rise above the opposition and discouragement he faced. Friendships aren’t accidents. Hostility is futile in the presence of friendship. Prov. 17:17 points out, “A friend loves ant all times, and a brother is born for adveristy”. After each outbreak of violence, king Saul became weaker and more distraught; after each outbreak of violence, David grew stronger and still befriended. Supported by Jonathan, evil does not stand a chance of diminishing David.
David and Jonathan remained friends till the end. When David learned of Jonathan’s death he cried out, “How the mighty have fallen! I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women” (II Sam 1:25-26). To use a modern psychological phrase, this was an example of “male bonding”. They were “one in spirit” with each other (I Sam 18:1). David calls Jonathan his “brother”. They were brothers-in-law, but also and more significantly, they were covenant brothers, enjoying a covenantal friendship.
Friendship takes what’s common in human experience and turns it into something holy. We rightly view marriage as a sacred bond, yet friendship is also a sacred union. In 1966 Gary Cox became my friend, and a few months later, he helped lead me to Christ. Thanks to email we’re still in touch, and we’re hoping to get together when I DEROS or retire, whichever comes first. That friendship was part of God’s eternal plan. This week God may initiate a friendship just as profound as David & Jonathan’s or mine and Gary Cox. How can we aspire to this kind of friendship? There is a way. Proverbs 18:24 states “A man who has friends must show himself friendly; and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.”
Prayer: Loving Father, You give us friends and You help us to be good friends to others. But maybe someone here is friendless. Help them to reach out to others, and to You. What a friend we have in Jesus; and He wants to be the friend of sinners. If any here have not trusted in Jesus, help them to see that His friendship led Him to the Cross, to take their punishment upon Himself. Thank You, Lord, for befriending us. We exalt You in the Name of our friend, the Lord Jesus, Amen.
