The Five Love languages
Part 2
Scientist did a some research on whether computers should be referred to as male or female
There where two groups doing the study
Group of males and a group of females
The male scientist decided, after long hours of research that a computer must be called a female because
1) Only it’s creator understands it’s logic
2) After all of the cost of getting the one you want, you have to spend half your paycheck on accessories
The female research group concluded that the computer must be referred to as a male because
1) After you get the one you wanted you realize that if you had waited just a little longer you could have gotten a much nicer model
2) You have to turn them on to get there attention
Dictionary for arguing with women
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should be quiet. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
Usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you’ll have a "Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you
want because I don’t care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in
just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very
frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are
a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over "Nothing."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last for, “Five Minutes.”
8."That’s Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That’s Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That’s Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
9."Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this
correctly, you shouldn’t get a "That’s Okay."
10. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden
Meaning. Just say, "you’re welcome."
11. "Thanks A Lot"
Dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the
"Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Last week we looked at Love language
#1Words of affirmation
#2 Quality Time
Love language #3 Receiving gifts
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, look He was thinking of me, or she remembered me
From early childhood children are inclined to give gifts.
Maybe it’s a flower brought to a mother, even if it is a flower that you didn’t want picked.
(The Barn was a gift)
From early childhood gift giving is a natural instinct for love.
If you notice your children giving allot of gifts that just might be there love language.
To the individual whose love language is giving gifts the cost is irrelevant
Unless of course, it is greatly out of line with what you can afford. If you are a millionaire, and you are giving your spouse 1-dollar gifts, the spouse may question if that is an expression of love.
But when family resources are limited a dollar gift may speak a million dollars of love
So what about the one who says,
I’m not a gift giver
I never got gifts when I was a kid,
I don’t see where it is relevant,
It doesn’t come naturally for me.
If that’s you , then….
Congratulations!
You have just had the first discovery in becoming a great lover.
You and your spouse speak different love languages
Now that you have made that discovery get on with the business of learning your second language.
If gift giving is your spouses love language, then you are blessed, because it is one of the easiest love languages to learn.
I think mainly because everyone understands how that giving gifts can be interpreted as love.
Practical Tips
Make a list of every gift your spouse has been excited about through the years.
Maybe gifts you have given, or gifts given by other family and friends
This will give you an idea of the kind of gifts your spouse would enjoy receiving
If you don’t know what it is that your spouse likes to receive, then recruit the help of a close friend or family member
Here is the Clincher
DON’T WAIT FOR A SPEACIAL OCCATION
BTW If your spouse has been critical of your gifts in the past then receiving gifts is absolutely not their love language.
If this is the language they speak, they love any dialect of that language
If you are to become an effective gift giver you may have to change your attitude about money
Each of us has different emotions associated to money, and it’s purpose
Some of us have a spending orientation
(We feel good about ourselves when we are spending it)
Others of us have a saving and an investing prospective
We feel good about ourselves when we are saving money
If you are a spender Gift giving wont be difficult
If you are a saver, then you will experience great emotional resistance to spending money as an expression of love to your spouse
If this is you and your spouses love language is receiving gifts then you need to understand that when you fill your spouses emotional love tank by gift giving that is the greatest investment you can make.
What good are the house, car, vacation, and the Investment portfolio if you where to loose your spouse?
What good is it to climb the latter if it is leaning against the wrong wall?
A dialect that is close to Quality time but is to a great extent important to this language is the gift of self
Being there for your spouse
Audio Tape insert
Don was a sincere husband who failed to understand the tremendous power of presence
Physical Presence in the time of trouble is the most important gift to give if your spouses primary love language is receiving gifts
Your body become the Symbol of love remove it and the presence of felt love evaporates
If your spouse’s physical presence is important to you, then you need to make it very clear.
Verbalize it
Don’t expect them to read your mind
That causes more problems in relationships than you know.
On the other hand if your spouse or child says to you, I want you to be there with me, tonight, tomorrow, whenever, then take them seriously
Here is what happens. When you began to speak your spouses love language, then they will respond and begin to speak yours
Love language #4
Acts of Service
AOS means doing things you know you would like your spouse to do.
To express you love for them by doing things for them.
Cooking a meal, washing clothes, ironing, putting away the dishes taking out the garbage, changing the babies dipper, washing the car, dusting the book case, or changing the water in the goldfish bowl
AOS
Require thought, time energy, selfless giving of time, and talent. If done with a good spirit will feel the emotional love tank of the one whose love language is AOS
Mowing the grass, changing the light bulb, Cleaning the windows communicate to the person whose primary love language is Acts of service, in the same way that time talking on the couch, and a lunch time date fills the love tank of the person who speaks quality time.
Like buying as thought filled gift speaks in love lingo to the one whose language is receiving gifts
Like clear words of affirmation communicates love to the one whose primary love language is Words of affirmation
In the rare case that your love languages are the same, some would think, they understand each other very well.
That is not always the case.
There re different dialects in regards to AOS that you should try to get clearly communicated
For the wife AOS might be changing the baby’s dipper as soon as the dad gets home from work, while she is cooking dinner
For the husband his dialect might be vacuuming twice a week, and ironing his close
Make a priority list, of no greater than 5 of the things that if your spouse did, it would communicate love.
After two months it will make a difference.
It’s ok to add more after that, just only add one a month at the most
When you start speaking the right dialect, then your love tanks will begin to fill, and you will have a much happier marriage
Love language #5 Physical Touch
Everyone knows that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love
Hundreds of research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion
Children held, hugged and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.
PT is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love.
Holding hands
Kissing
Embracing
And sexual intercourse
Are a must, in filling the love tanks in our marriages
Although is a must for all marriages, There are those who, Physical touch is there primary love language.
With out it, they feel unloved, with it their emotional tank is filled and they feel secure in there love
You may have herd it said, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
It should be better stated; the way to SOME men’s heart is through his stomach
Many of men have been fatten for the kill by a woman who believed this philosophy
The man who has a gourmet cook as a wife who spend hours in the Kitchen cooking the finest of foods, and then after he is ready to settle down for the night, goes to the bedroom to find a corpus asleep in his bed will never have a full love tank.
If she is not intimate with him all of the culinary skills in the world could not convince him of her love.
Why?
His primary love language is Physical touch
That is the language that communicates emotional love to him, or her.
Sexual intercourse is only one dialect, in the Physical touch language
Of the five senses, touching unlike the other four is not limited to one area.
Tiny Tactile receptors are located all through out the body, when these receptors are touched, or pressed, nerves carry impulse to the brain. The brain then interprets these impulses, as we perceive these touches are
Warm, or cold,
Hard or soft
It causes pain or pleasure
We may also interpret it as loving or hostile
Physical touch can make or break a relationship
It can communicate hate, or love
To the person whose primary language is PT the message will be far louder than the words, I hate you, or I love you”
A slap in the face is detrimental to any child, but to a child whose primary love language is PT it is devastating
A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is PT
The same is true of adults
In marriage the touch of love may take many forms,
Because touch receptors are located throughout the body, touching your spouse anywhere can be accepted as love
That does not mean that all touches are created equal
Some bring more pleasure to your spouse than others
Your best instructor is your spouse
She or He is the one you are seeking to love
She know best what she perceives as a loving touch
Don’t insist on touching them in your way, and in your timing
Learn to speak his or her dialect
Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable, or irritating
To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love
Love touches may be explicit and demand your full attention such as a back rub and sexual intimacy
Or they may be implicit and require only a moment such as a hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee
Explicit love touches obviously take more time; not only in the actual touching but through the process of coming to understand actions communicate love the best
If a back massage communicates love to your spouse, the time and money you put into learning that skill is a wise investment
If sexual intimacy is your mates love language dialect then reading and discussing the art of intimacy with your spouse will enhance your expression of love.
The Book The
The Act of Marriage
By Tim Lahay
Implicit love touches require little time, but much thought, especially if Physical touch is not your primary love language, and if you didn’t grow up in a touching family
Sitting close together on the couch may not take any extra time, but it may communicate your love loudly
Touching them on your way through the living room
Touching each other when you leave the house, may involve only a hug or a kiss, but it will (especially if that is their love language) Speak volumes to your spouse
Once you discover that Physical touch is your spouses primary love language, then you are limited only by your imagination as to ways to express love
Within marriage what is appropriate and inappropriate touching is defined by the couple themselves
Most of the problems with sex within marriage stem not from technique, but froman empty love tank
The emotional injury is deep and intimacy evaporates when someone finds out their mate has been unfaithful to them
Counseling filling cabinets are filled with the stories of those who are trying to deal with the emotional trauma of an unfaithful spouse.
That trauma is compounded for the person whose primary love language is Physical touch
Because that for which they longed so deeply is now given to another
It will take drastic repairs in order to plug the whole in that love tank
God designed us in such a way that we have a chemical explosion that takes place when we experience pleasure.
We then develop a nuero-chemical bond with the stimulus of that pleasure
This is God’s way of having us return to the places and the faces of our pleasure
God made us this way so when we experienced sexual pleasure with our spouse we would develop a bond and return to the place, and the face that stimulated the pleasure
When we step outside of the boundaries that God has set, then the bond becomes bondage
We have programmed emotional responses to allot of things, touch is among the most sensitive
When we are touched our emotions go back to the original conception of that touch, if it was hostile it will be difficult to interpret the touch any other way
If it was a loving touch then we will have a hard time interpreting it any other way
We have programmed emotional responses
If your love language is PT and your spouse has been hurt in the past in a way that brings negative emotions when you touch them, then you need to work together as you reprogram your spouses emotions towards that touch
If enough positive time is spent working together you will reprogram your emotions to experience pleasure where there was pain
So there you have it
1) Words of affirmation
2) Quality Time
3) Receiving gifts
4) Acts of service
5) Physical touch
Most of you new after hearing all 5 which one was your, possible your spouses, or childs
We are going to take some time to help you define your language
If your child runs in and wants to mess up his daddy hair, what is he saying?
“I want to be touched”
So their love language is
Physical Touch
If your child says things like, you’re the best daddy, or mommy, the chances are his or her love language is Words of affirmation
If your little girl wants to have tea with you, If she wants you to watch TV with her
If your son wants you to help him with his baseball swing then chance are his or her love language is Quality Time
If they like to bring you gifts, make you cards, then they in al likelihood speak the language of receiving gifts
If they are more incline to want to help you with the dishes or “Tear down your barn”
Your child’s love language might be Acts of Service
Defining your spouses
The question is what is the thing that makes me feel the most love?
What do you desire above all else from your spouse?
If the answer to that question does not leap to mind automatically, then make the negative side will.
What does your spouse do or say or fail to do or say that hurts worse than anything else?
If your deepest pain is the critical words of your spouse, then maybe your Love language is Words of affirmation?
If your primary language is used negatively towards you then it will hurt you allot more than it would someone else
It’s like getting yelled at in Chinese, you wouldn’t take it personal, because you could really understand it.
Another good question is what have I often requested from my spouse? This will be often times your love language
Another way is to examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse
Chances are what you are doing for her is what you wish she would do for you
Home Work
Write down what you think is your primary love language, then write the other four in order of priority
Then write down what you think the primary love language is of your spouse
Then list the other four in order of importance
Then sit down and discuss what is your primary love language, then tell them what you thought their was
The game is called tank check
Three times a week
Give a reading on your love tank
0 is empty
10 is I can’t handle anymore love
What can I do to feel it?
