In Tuesday’s Los Angeles Times there was a interesting article about LA Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal (LA Times 6/6/02 "Biological Didn’t Bother"). It was really a story about Shaq and his biological father Joseph Toney. When Shaq was just six months old, his birth father Joseph Toney left, and they’ve never talked since. Shaq’s mom eventually remarried, and her new husband Phillip Harrison has functioned as Shaq’s dad through the years. When the LA Lakers played in New Jersey this last week in the NBA finals, it was like a homecoming for Shaq, because he grew up in Newark, New Jersey. Yet it also forced him to confront the reality that his birth father Joseph Toney was in the crowd as well. When asked about his biological father at a press conference, Shaq’s smile disappeared, and he said, "That man doesn’t exist to me."
I’m sure father’s day is a confusing and difficult day for Shaq. I can certainly relate to Shaq’s dilemma, because my biological father was much the same as his. My birth father was only 17 years old when he married my mom, and just 18 years old when I was born. Their short and tumultuous marriage lasted only a few years, and by the time I was a toddler, he was gone. No child support, no phone calls, no birthday cards, simply gone with no trace.
Eventually my mom also remarried, and because my biological dad had chosen to disappear, the court system let my mom’s new husband adopt me. I still remember the day I met with the judge when I was about 8 years old, that day my birth certificate was changed from Tim Brown to Tim Peck. Yet I still had a gnawing emptiness, wondering what my real dad was like. That question was answered when my birth father came back into my life when I was 14 years old. What I met was a cocaine addict who shared his addition with me on our first meeting. What I met was a guy who made lots of empty promises and then disappeared again just as he’d done when I was three years old. I haven’t heard from him since.
Around the same time, my mom divorced my adopted dad and remarried. So keep count: By this time I had a biological father, an adopted father, and now a stepfather. Really my stepfather into my life too late in life for me to really see him as a father. So as I grew into adulthood, I struggled with this question, "Who’s really my dad?" Was it my biological father, a drug addicted guy who spent his life evading responsibility? Was it my adopted father, a man with many flaws and who made many mistakes, but who at least was there through the years? In a sense, I had to make a conscious decision, I’m sure the same kind of decision Shaq had to make. I had to decide whether to seek out my biological father or to make the choice to view my adopted father as my dad. I chose the latter, and since I made that choice several years ago, the emptiness to know my birth father has disappeared.
Now granted my experience isn’t typical. But for those of us who whose homes resembled the Osbornes more than Ozzie and Harriet, Father’s Day can be a tough time. That doesn’t change when you become an adult, because as long as you live, your parents are still your parents. Learning how to relate to our parents as adults can be a difficult and challenging task. Today, on Father’s Day, we’re going to talk about wising up about our parents.
We’ve been in a series through the Old Testament book of Proverbs called Wise Up About Life. In this series we’ve been looking at different topics and how to live with the grain of God’s wisdom in each of these topics. I’ve suggested that God’s wisdom is like wood grain in a piece of wood. Just as a piece of wood has grain in it, so also God’s creation--the world around us--has a built in kind of grain that God put there. The wise person is the man or the woman who learns to live their life with the grain of God’s wisdom rather than fighting against the grain. We’ve talked about how to live with the grain of God’s wisdom as it relates to the environment, to conflict, to parenting, to money, to alcohol, and today we’re going to talk about our parents.
How can we treat our parents with wisdom? In the background of what Proverbs says about our parents is the fifth commandment from The Bible. Perhaps you remember the fifth commandment God gave to Israel through Moses: "Honor your father and your mother." This important command established the significance and importance of the family in God’s eyes. It also defined the relationship between parents and children as a lifelong, significant relationship. In the original context of the ten commandments, the fifth commandment was given to adults, to determine how they treat their parents after reaching adulthood. So although the fifth commandment applies to children and how they relate to their parents, the primary purpose of the fifth commandment is to help adults learn to relate to their parents as they enter adulthood.
You see, most of us know how we’re supposed to relate to our mom and dad when we’re children. We may not always follow their rules or respect their authority, but we know we’re supposed to. But when we enter into adulthood, things change. According to the Bible, when a person gets married their relationship with their mom and dad changes significantly. It says in the first book of the Bible, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). The Hebrew word translated "leave" in the phrase "leave his father and his mother" in that verse means to "forsake," or to "sever a covenant relationship." Entering into the marriage covenant severs the covenant relationship we shared with our mom and dad as children. On your wedding day, when you walk into church your mom and dad are your immediate family. But when you walk out of the church on your wedding day, they’re no longer your immediate family. Now they’re part of your extended family. Your immediate family is now your spouse and any children you have with that spouse. Although the situation isn’t exactly the same for a single person who enters into adulthood, single adults also experience a change in their relationship with their parents when they enter into adulthood.
So if the covenant relationship with our mom and dad ends when we get married, does that all ties with them are cut? This is where the fifth commandment came, to answer that question. The answer of the Bible is, "No," the relationship with your mom and dad simply changes to a different kind of relationship. The essence of this new relationship is honor.
Now with the backdrop of the fifth commandment, let’s look at four ways we can treat our parents with wisdom from Proverbs.
1. Embracing A Life of Wisdom (Proverbs 23:24-25)
Let’s see what God’s wisdom says:
"The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him. May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice!" (Proverbs 23:24-25 NIV)
This proverb is picturing the proud parents of a grown son or a grown daughter. When the grown child is characterized by righteousness and wisdom, that causes joy.
Righteousness refers to the moral dimension of our lives. In the Bible you can never separate a person’s morality from God. In the Bible, righteousness isn’t just being a good person, but it’s being in the kind of relationship with God that enables you to know what true goodness is. So biblical righteousness implies an authentic relationship with God, that this person knows God personally. This personal knowledge of God provides this person with a moral compass, an ethical framework to make sense out of life.
Wisdom then refers to the outworking of this righteousness in everyday life. We defined biblical wisdom at the start of this series through Proverbs as the art of skillful living, the ability to learn how to conduct ourselves skillfully and artfully in the world. So it’s not just being good, but it’s being skillful in how we apply the Bible to life. This is why Proverbs pictures most wise people as successful in life, because they’ve learned how life works.
This produces joy, delight and gladness in the lives of a grown father or mother. So here we find our first way to treat our parents wisely. We treat our parents wisely when we embrace a life of wisdom ourselves.
Now this Proverb assumes that you’ve been raised by parents who embraced righteousness and wisdom themselves. And some of you were raised by parents who did just that. Your parents prayed for you before you were even born. Your mom and dad taught you about the Christian faith, perhaps even leading you into your own relationship with Jesus Christ. And although your parents were far from perfect, they tried to raise you in a godly, Christ centered way. Certainly embracing that way of life for yourself honors your mom and dad’s efforts.
But others of us didn’t come from that kind of home. Although my mom tells me that she always believed in God, during my childhood I remember our household being devoid of any religion at all. My adopted dad was a devout atheist, and we had a disparaging attitude toward religion in general, and Christianity in particular. As a child I occasionally wondered if there really was a God. When I started wondering that, I started shaking, because I realized that if there was a God, I knew nothing about him. Although my mom and adopted dad did the best job they knew how to do, our household was devoid of the kind of righteousness and wisdom we find mentioned here.
Yet I eventually did come to faith in Jesus Christ. I did eventually embrace a life of wisdom myself, albeit a little latter in life than those raised in Christian homes. And by doing that, I treat my parents with wisdom. Not because of what they did do, but because of what they should’ve done. You see, some parents are the exact opposite of the righteous, wise mom and dad we read about in Proverbs. Some parents act in downright evil ways toward their children. I think of my birth father sharing cocaine with me when I was just 14 years old. I think of children who were abused by their parents, the very people who are supposed them. I know some of you came from these kinds of homes, and for you, days like Father’s day are difficult times. When we embrace a life of wisdom ourselves we honor the kind of parent we were supposed to have. We honor the idea of parenthood, even if our parents failed miserably.
Now the primary way to embrace a life of wisdom ourselves is to come to know the God of wisdom. Just memorizing a few proverbs doesn’t make a wise person. We must start by knowing the author of wisdom, the God who created the world the way it is. That’s why Proverbs tells us, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning point of true wisdom." This comes through God’s Son, Jesus Christ, who came to this world to live the life we failed to live, died the death we deserved to die, and then rose from the grave. When we trust in Christ’s death as being in our place, the price paid to bring us back to God, that introduces us to the God of wisdom. This launches us on a journey of wisdom, where once we know the author of wisdom, we can learn to live with the grain of God’s world.
Have you embraced that kind of life?
2. Protecting Our Parents (Proverbs 19:26)
That brings us to our next wise saying, Proverbs 19:26:
"He who robs his father and drives out his mother is a son who brings shame and disgrace" (19:26 NIV).
Now back in the ancient world, the primary inheritance left to a son or daughter when the parents died was the family property. This family property usually consisted of farmland, so the child would work the land until his mom and dad died. Then the surviving children would inherit the property, and continue working it, dividing up their profits among the siblings. Often all the adult children lived on the land with their families.
This proverb is picturing a son or daughter who robs his or her parents of their property. That’s why it talks about "driving out his mother" because it would literally entail driving the parents off the property. In fact, the Hebrew word for "rob" here often implies violence as well.
This kind of son or daughter brings public shame and humiliation to themselves. They may not feel shameful or guilty about their behavior, but their behavior is condemned as shameful and disgraceful in the eyes of the society. This is the kind of person who would be driven out of the community, told to never return.
Now if it’s true that exploiting our parents is wrong, it must be equally true to that protecting our parents from exploitation is good. So here’s our second way to treat our parents. We treat our parents wisely when we protect their rights.
This principle simply states the flipside of the proverb, that if exploiting our parents is foolish, then protecting them is wise. The older our parents get, the more vulnerable they become to exploitation. Every year elderly people in American are scammed out of $40 million. Over half of scam victims in America are over 55 years old. Elderly people also become vulnerable to violence, as their body grows weak. They become vulnerable to less than adequate medical care.
Part of our role in our parents’ lives as they age is to protect their rights. This doesn’t mean treating them like children, but it does mean looking out for them, making sure people around them aren’t exploiting them. I see my mom do this with my grandmother all the time. My grandmother’s in her 80s now, and my mom always goes to doctor’s appointments with her, so she can ask questions and make sure my grandmother understand everything.
A child who exploits his mom and dad is shameful, but an adult child who looks out for his mom and dad is wise.
3. Blessing Our Parents (Proverbs 20:20)
That brings us to another proverb:
"If a man curses his father or mother, his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness" (Prov 20:20 NIV).
Cursing your parents was serious business back in ancient Israel. Now cursing back then wasn’t just using profanity or saying mean things in anger. To curse someone was to call God’s judgment down on that person. To curse someone was to invoke a future on that person that involved suffering and death. So to curse someone was to hate that person at the deepest level, to treat the person with contempt and disdain.
The image of a person’s lamp going out is a picture of death. This picture of a lamp going out is used throughout Proverbs to describe a person who’s life is cut short. Now back in ancient Israel, cursing your parents in the way described here could be punishable by death. Exodus 21:17 says, "Anyone who curses his mother or father should be put to death." Now I don’t think that was often actually applied, though moms and dads probably quoted that verse to kids plenty of times. What I think Proverbs is saying here is that a person who curses his parents, who embraces a lifestyle of hatred and contempt for his parents, will have his life cut short.
Now if cursing our parents in this way cuts our lives short, it would make sense that blessing our parents has the opposite effect. So here we find the third way. We treat our parents wisely when we bless them with our words.
Both blessings and curses were usually spoken out loud. In ancient Israel, a spoken blessing or a spoken curse was thought to actually shape that person’s future. People viewed a curse spoken over a person as what we might view as a jinx. Blessings, on the other hand, were spoken to protect and express love. That doesn’t mean that blessings and curses were infallible, that they determined a person’s future. It’s simply to say, the ancient Hebrews understood the power of our words in shaping a person’s future. If a parent tells a little boy over and over again that he’s stupid and that he’ll never amount to anything, that boy is likely to grow into a man who fulfills that terrible expectation. The words were like a curse. If a person tells her elder mom that she’s a burden and would be better off dead, the mom’s health will likely start to weaken. That’s the power of our words.
This is why it’s so important that we use our words to bless our parents. We do that by expressing appreciation about what our parents did do in our lives. Finding the things they did right and expressing our appreciation for those things is so important to speak blessings on our parents. These words give life and encouragement to our parents.
We also bless them with our words by expressing our desire that they be happy and fulfilled in life.
Now I realize that this is really hard for some people to do. The wounds inflicted by many people’s parents simply go so deep that they can’t imagine speaking blessings to their mom or dad. It would be difficult for me to bless my biological dad if he walked in here today. The only way to get to this point is to work through the process of forgiving your parents if they’ve done things to hurt you. A person reaches a point where forgiveness is just as important to you as it is to the other person, because as long as bitterness fills your heart, you become captive to the past. I don’t mean to imply that this is easy or that it comes easily, but I do know that it’s possible, even in cases of horrible abuse.
When we get to the point of forgiveness, we bless even those who cursed us, just as Jesus said. Your mom or dad might’ve treated you with contempt or hatred, but as a follower of Jesus Christ, you can learn to bless in return. This is possible, but it only comes through the transformation of knowing God through Jesus Christ.
So we live wisely when we learn to bless our parents with our words.
4. Sharing Our Attention (Proverbs 23:22)
This brings us to our last proverb:
"Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old" (Prov 23:22 NIV).
The word for "listen" here simply means "pay attention." This is picturing the kind of relationship an adult son or daughter has with an aging parent, a relationship of listening. This is more than simply making sure a parent’s rent is paid, their refrigerator is full, and their utilities are on. This means to pay attention to them.
The opposite of listening in this proverb is despising. This Hebrew word refers to a loathing disdain for another person. Unfortunately this is exactly how a lot of people feel toward their parents.
I have friends who’ve actually moved out of state just to avoid being around their parents. In some cases I totally understood their actions. I know one guy who’s dad was a convicted felon and who’s mom was a heroin dealer. This friend’s parents kept pulling my friend back into their world, even to the point of using my friend’s car in an armed robbery. My friend decided to pull up stakes and move far, far away, leaving no forwarding address. I can totally understand why he did that.
But I know other people who’ve broken all ties with their parents simply because they don’t like them. If you ask me, that’s not a good enough reason.
Here we find our final way. We treat our parents wisely when we share our attention with them as they age.
More than our financial assistance, more than our advice, our parents need our attention. And in most cases, we’re in a position to share that with our moms and dads. It’s not easily juggling the scheduled of four busy boys and also trying to make sure we’re sharing our attention with my mom, my adopted dad, and my mother-in-law. But that’s how we live wisely with our parents.
Maybe some of you remember that old, sad song "Cat’s in the Cradle." It’s a Harry Chapin song about a father who refused to share his attention with his son as his son was growing up. As the song says, "There were planes to catch and bills to pay."
But at the end of the song the father finds the tables turned on him: "I’ve long since retired and my son’s moved away. I called him up just the other day. I said, ’I’d like to see you if you don’t mind.’ He said, ’I’d love to, dad, if I could find the time. You see, my new job’s a hassle, and the kid’s got the flu, But it’s sure nice talking to you, dad. It’s been sure nice talking to you.’ And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me, he’d grown up just like me. My boy was just like me."
A life of wisdom will make the choice to share attention with parents, even if they didn’t share enough attention with us when we were kids.
Why is it wise to share our attention with our parents? Because our children are watching our model. How we treat our parents as they age models how to treat an aging parent.
Conclusion
Do you want to live a life of wisdom as it relates to your mom and dad? If you do, you’ll make the choice to embrace a life of wisdom yourself, you’ll protect your parents as they age, you’ll bless your parents, and finally share our attention with them. It’s not an easy path, but it’s the wise path, the path that’s with the grain of God’s wisdom.
Now I glossed over a major period of my life when I didn’t talk at all to my adoptive dad. You see, during my junior high and high school years I got into a lot of trouble. I was a real headache to my dad, sneaking out at night, running away from home, stealing money from his wallet, even burning down my bedroom because I was smoking in bed. When I was 14 years old I moved out and moved here to Upland to live with my mom. From the time I was 14 until I was 18 I didn’t talk to my adoptive dad. He faithfully paid child support, but we never spoke.
It was shortly after I came into a relationship with Christ that I finally swallowed my pride, picked up the phone, and called him. I apologized for the grief I’d caused him during those turbulent years. Eventually we started getting together, first just for holidays, and then more and more frequently. Along the road he came into a relationship with Christ. And today we have a better relationship than we’ve ever had. To be honest, he wasn’t a very good father growing up; he’d be the first to tell you that. But God’s wisdom allows us to make new starts, to show grace, and to experience new possibilities that we’d never imagined before.
