Families are wonderful. Families are challenging. I am reminded of this every time I see my favorite Cosby Show episode in which Cliff, the father played by Bill Cosby, and Theo, the son played by Malcolm Jamal-Warner, have a chat about Theo’s desire to live like a “regular” person rather than “special” person like his dad who is a doctor or his mom who is an attorney.
Cliff is concerned about Theo’s grades and his lack of motivation and progress. What does Theo want to be? He wants to be a “regular” person like a truck driver. But that’s not the issue for Cliff; it is Theo’s lack of commitment that is the problem.
So dad takes $1200 in play money, an agreed to amount for a truck driver’s monthly earnings, and begins to help Theo understand what it takes to live. First are the taxes, because as Cliff says, “the IRS comes for the regular people first.” Then the discussion begins over rent (“You’re not living here, I’ll live in New Jersey”), then transportation (“A car will cost you “X”, “I’ll drive a motorcycle,” “you’ll wear a helmet.”). Then it goes on to food, (“I’ll eat peanut butter and jelly”), and clothes (“I want to look good”). All during this conversation, the play money goes back and forth between hands until Theo is left with $100 and dad finally asks, “Are you going to have a girl friend?’ “Of course! “ is Theo’s reply. At which time, Cliff takes the last remaining $100 dollars from Theo’s hand. Not only are families wonderful and challenging, families are also necessary.
This was the first episode of a series that lasted 8 years. It said much to families of all colors and backgrounds about some important ways of dealing with issues such as conflict, growing up, and decision-making.
Today, we conclude our two part series on family life with a look at the second three of the six “A’s” To A Healthy Family.” Last week we examined the first three first three A’s. (Overhead 1) and these were some of the suggestions made last week. (Overhead 2)
I believe that the dialogue between Cliff and Theo illustrates these final three parts of a healthy family. (Overhead 3) But we also need to look at the scripture passages as well because as we do so, we understand God’s purposes in this very important matter.
In I John 4:7 we read “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is born of God and knows God.” If we claim to love God then what John says to us, and more important what God is saying to us, is this: we must continue to love. Love is the greatest expression of our commitment to God and not just God, but others as well. This speaks to the issue of affection because love and affection is intertwined. We show love as we express affection in appropriate ways.
In his own way, Cliff expressed affection for his son as he expressed his concern for his situation. Josh McDowell says this about affection: “When we show affection to [family members] we give them a sense of lovability.” Lovability, what an interesting word! It means “sweetness, “charm,” “appeal,” and “attractiveness.” Josh goes on to say that through “kind words and appropriate touch” we communicate to our family they are worth loving. How and what kind of affection do show to and in your family? And what does your affection communicate to them?
Cliff also demonstrated availability in taking time to help Theo understand some important life issues. Instead of simply telling Theo to get better grades or else, he made himself available to Theo and spent time listening to Theo’s perspective. What happens when we are available to our family members? We give them a sense of importance. We make them feel valued and loved. We tell them by our actions they are important.
In Matthew 19 we read of Jesus scolding the disciples for not letting the children come to Him. But, in His scolding He affirms the place and importance of availability. In verse 14 we read, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” How available are you to your family?
Now not only did Cliff express affection and demonstrate availability, he also reminded Theo through the budget exercise, of his accountability to his studies, to his family, and to himself.
Accountability is a widely used term in our society today. It is spoken of in public policy, education, law enforcement, and the church. What is accountability anyway? According the Merriam-Webster dictionary, to be accountable is to be answerable and responsible. “Answerable and responsible for what?” you ask. “For everything about you – behaviors, attitudes, and choices.”
We expect people to be accountable. Parents expect their children to be accountable. Churches expect their pastors to be accountable. But the reverse is also true. Children expect their parents to be accountable and pastors expect their churches to be accountable.
But Paul, in Romans 14:12 reminds all of us of the accountability that we will all one day face, “Each one of us will have to give a personal account to God.” Whether or not we want to admit it, we are accountable to God. What will we say to Him? What do we say to Him these days when we are confronted with our own shortcomings?
But the challenge is how and when we use accountability. We use it often and we use it at times when it backfires on us. Why?
One of the main reasons is that we use it like a weapon of last resort. And granted there are times when it has to be used that way. But, what if we looked at accountability like this? (Overhead 4)
Balanced accountability is a balance between the five on the left and accountability on the right. Balanced accountability is both strengthened and softened by the existence of these other five. Balanced accountability is more effective when included with the other five.
Josh McDowell says this about accountability, “When we provide loving accountability to [family members], we give them a sense of responsibility.” Notice that Josh says “loving” accountability, not harsh, not demeaning, and not abusive accountability. Accountability provides us with boundaries and limits that all of us need to live the kind of life that honors God,
So, how do we put affection, availability, and accountability into practice? Here are some suggestions: (Overhead 5)
1. We love, love, love. The Bible calls us to love one another, and that includes our families. In fact within our families we learn how to, and how not to, love.
2. We make the time to be available to our family. Not just physically but also emotionally. This means we take a look at our priorities and how we spend our time. Making ourselves available also means we learn how to listen to and understand what our family members are saying.
3. We personally create and practice accountability in our lives. If we require accountability in others, and we do, we must also realize it is required of us as well.
CONCLUSION:
I recently discovered an article on the Internet by Elise Brunk, a grandmother who lives in Virginia, entitled R-E-S-P-E-C-T: When It Comes to Teaching Respect Your Actions Speak Louder Than Words. In it she asks some important questions that we need to ask as members of both human families and this family of God. They are thought provoking questions and I have made some changes to fit them for today’s sermon: (Overheads 6 and 7)
1. Do I say "please," "thank you" and "excuse me" to members of my family?
2. Do I allow my family members to express their negative feelings in appropriate ways?
3. Do I compliment and praise my family members?
4. Do I show respect when disagreeing with my family members?
5. Do I use unnecessary or unkind remarks when speaking to my family members?
6. Do I listen attentively to my family members?
7. Do I unnecessarily confront family members in the presence of others?
8. Do I apologize when I fail?
I know that the subject of families for some of us evokes a lot of emotion because of disappointment, death, conflict, and even abuse. We were created by God to be born into, raised in, and nurtured by families. But because of sin, family life has been deeply, deeply warped. And for some family life is not an ideal to be cherished, but a memory to be forgotten or ignored.
We sang earlier “The Family Prayer Song.” We are going to sing it again here in a moment. It contains a verse of scripture from the book of Joshua, Joshua 24:15. This verse is part of a statement that Joshua makes to the Israelites toward the end of his life in which he calls them to decide whom they are going to follow. “ But, if you are unwilling to serve the Lord, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.”
Notice what Joshua said, “As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.” Whom or what is your family serving? Is it bringing joy and satisfaction? Where and how is God in your family life? My hope and prayer for this day is that both our individual families and this congregational family become not showcases of all our culture deems “in” but agents of grace to a culture who seek authenticity through affirmation, security through acceptance, significance through appreciation, lovability through affection, importance through availability, and responsibility through accountability. Amen.
