Nancy Ortberg tells about an incident with which we can all relate. “I had been, what I thought, was a good mom for the day. I rode bikes, read stories and fixed meals. I patted myself on the back and thought, Okay, I’m done. It’s six o’clock. It’s my time. Just then this little voice from the basement called out, ‘Mom.’ I did what most moms would do. I ignored it three or four times hoping he would forget it. But he was persistent. I finally said, ‘What?’ knowing I wasn’t going to move. ‘Come down in the basement. I want to show you something.’ ‘Oh, Honey, I don’t want to come down; you bring it up here.’ ‘I can’t bring it up.’ ‘Sure you can.’ ‘I can’t Mom, it’s too heavy.’
‘Johnny, I really don’t want to come down stairs right now. I’ll see it later.’ ‘I need you to see it right now.’ By this time,” she said, “the anger started and I went to the top of the stairs. ‘Johnny, I do not want to come down stairs. I will do it later.’ ‘I really want you to see it now, Mom.’ I stormed down the stairs and said, ‘What do you want? I am busy. His little face turned around and he had big tears in his eyes. Behind him was a screen of our old computer, and in huge block letters it said, ‘I love Mom.’ I had a chance to connect with my child, and I blew it. I inflicted pain instead.”
Experiences such as that, which, as parents, we have all had, poignantly drive home the truth of our morning text. In Romans 7:15 the apostle Paul says, “I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I DO.FOR WHAT I WANT TO DO I DO NOT DO, BUT WHAT I HATE I DO.” No where does this happen more easily and more frequently than in the home. The challenges and stress of family life bring to light the struggles we have with our sinful nature and sinful ways. Our two natures are in constant conflict and nowhere is it more evident than in the home. The home is the place where interests and desires often collide. Nothing tests us quite like the give and take of family life. It seems that in the home it is much easier to say and do whatever we like even if it hurts others. It is the one place where we feel most free to be ourselves. Family life is, therefore, marked by ups and downs, good times and bad times.
FAMILY
This was even the case in the family of Jesus. Luke tells us about a visit to the temple that was made by Joseph, Mary and Jesus. As a religious Jewish family, Mary and Joseph went to the holy city to observe the religious festivals. Jesus went along with them.
When the festivals ended they returned home but, Scripture states, “JESUS TARRIED BEHIND IN JERUSALEM.”(Luke 2:46-50)
“To a modern mother it is surprising that they were unaware that Jesus was missing on the return trip. But traveling in a large group, they didn’t miss Him until they were a day into their journey. They began looking for Him among friends and relatives in the caravan.”
How do you think Mary and Joseph reacted when they finally found Jesus? It is, indeed, comforting to know that even Jesus’ parents got upset and were perplexed.
Scripture says they were ‘confounded.’ Imagine how any parents would react to a missing child who was finally found and who, in their eyes, had been insensitive to their feelings. No doubt they experienced a whole range of emotions from joy to relief to anger to fear, frustration and confusion.“Mary is the mother of a very perplexing son and Scripture tells us that she rebuked Him for what she considered His insensitivity.” (87/B.L.)
The problem arose because Jesus, as He said, had to “BE ABOUT HIS FATHER’S BUSINESS” and Mary did not understand. If the inability to understand a child could create a difficulty in Jesus’ family it certainly can in our families. Family life is not without many trying and difficult times and that is why it is God’s workshop, a special place where He seeks to work in our lives, changing us for the better.
God uses our normal, fallible, human families to shape us and mold us. He seeks to use the tensions, upsets and conflicts of the family to produce within us the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, gentleness, goodness, peace, patience, kindness and self-control. He desires to use our experiences in the home to develop our character. He yearns to use our interactions with our spouses and children to make us more like Christ. As Romans 8:29 makes very clear, Christ-likeness is God’s number one desire for us. This text declares that He desires that we “BE CONFORMED TO THE IMAGE OF HIS SON.” God wants us to exhibit Christ-like characteristics. The family and home represent a special place where God can work on us and bring about Christ-likeness. He yearns to use our families to make us what 2 Corinthians 5:17 calls, “NEW CREATIONS IN CHRIST “
Author Gary Thomas writes, “There are few natural wonders more startling in their beauty than Mount Everest, the highest peak on earth. Geologists believe that the Himalayas were created by the Indian continent crashing into Eurasia. ‘Crashing’ is a writer’s hyperbole; actually the two continents collide with a movement of about two centimeters per year. But slow and steady does the job. As India keeps moving inward, compressing and lifting southern Eurasia, a spectacular natural treasure continues to be created. If there were no collision between India and Eurasia, there would be no Himalayas. Without the wrenching force of continental shifting, the world would be a poorer place aesthetically. In the same way,” Thomas contends, “the collisions of (parents, children, spouses and other family members) can create relationships of beauty. Beauty is often birthed in struggle. These points of impact may not be ‘fun’, in fact, they can make us feel like we’re being ripped apart, but the process can make us stronger, build our character and deepen our faith.” God uses the struggles and conflicts of family life to make us better people.
A boy found a cocoon of the emperor moth and took it home to watch it emerge. One day a small opening appeared and for several hours the moth struggled but couldn’t seem to force its body past a certain point. Deciding that something was wrong, the book cut open the remaining bit of cocoon. The moth easily emerged, its body large and swollen, the wings small and shriveled. He expected the wings would spread out exhibiting their natural beauty but they didn’t...Instead of developing into a creature to fly, the moth spent its life dragging around a swollen body and shriveled wings. The constricting cocoon and the struggle necessary to pass through the tiny opening are God’s way of forcing fluid from the body into the wings. The “merciful” scissors snip of the cocoon was, in reality, cruel. The struggle involved in emerging from the cocoon was essential to the moth’s well-being.
Similarly, the struggles, conflicts and trials of family life are essential to our growth in Christ and maturity in the faith. Family conflicts can ultimately bring out the best in us as they can be used by God to make us more like Christ. First of all, they make us painfully aware of our faults and shortcomings. They enable us to see how much, at times, we are unlike Christ. They can reveal to us how much we need to change and grow. Secondly, the frustrating and painful times in our family interactions help us to realize how much we need the Lord’s help. On our own it seems that we are not capable of making or sustaining the needed changes. We need the empowerment of God’s indwelling Holy Spirit. This knowledge and need drives us to our knees in prayer where change, growth and Christ-likeness begin.
Through our family struggles, conflicts and pain, God yearns to make us more and more like Christ. Christ is loving, forgiving and compassionate. He is patient, kind, gentle and understanding. Christ-like qualities are crucial to the well-being of our families.
They bring about healing, wholeness and growth. They result in deeper, stronger and more stable family relationships. There is no better place for us to learn and practice these Christ-like qualities than in our families. Let’s look at just two of these Christ-like qualities that drastically affect the atmosphere of the home and the health of its occupants.
LOVE
“Christianity involves believing certain things, to be sure, but its herald, its hallmark, its glory is not merely ascribing to certain intellectual truths. The beauty of Christianity is in learning to love, and few life situations test that so radically as does a marriage” and a family, writes Gary Thomas. (p.51/Sacred Marriage) Hence, the home is God’s workshop where He can teach us to love unconditionally. There is no better place to learn unconditional love than in the family. In John 13:34 Jesus commands us to “LOVE ONE ANOTHER. AS I HAVE LOVED YOU, SO YOU MUST LOVE ONE ANOTHER.” Christ’s love for us is unconditional and we are repeatedly commanded in Scripture to love others unconditionally, especially those in our homes. Scripture calls this unconditional love agape love. It is a deep, constant and abiding love that nothing can change. It is not tainted by our selfishness or self-centeredness. It is not affected by our attitudes and moods.
Pierre Teilard deChardin said, “Some day after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love.And then, for the second time in history the world, man will have discovered fire.” Indeed, unconditional love is an awesome power in the home..This awesome power is seen in the story of the Prodigal Son. In spite of a son’s insults, embarrassments, wasteful ways and sinful lifestyle, his father’s love never wavered. Luke 15:20 says when the son was returning home and was “STILL A LONG OFF, HIS FATHER SAW HIM AND WAS FILLED WITH COMPASSION FOR HIM; HE RAN TO HIS SON, THREW HIS ARMS AROUND HIM AND KISSED HIM.” Not only was his father daily looking for his return , he greeted his wayward son with open arms.Then the father said to his servants, “BRING THE BEST ROBE AND PUT IT ON HIM. PUT A RING ON HIS FINGER AND SANDALS ON HIS FEET.” The fatted calf was killed and a celebratory feast followed. Unconditional love is powerful and it is an essential part of a healthy family. With Christ’s help we can exhibit unconditional love.
FORGIVENESS
The home is also a special place wherein God can make us more Christ-like by teaching us to forgive. In the midst of the daily give and take of family life, many things occur that call for forgiveness. Times of betrayal, hurt, and anger are inevitable. Without forgiveness a loving, supportive, and affirming home life is impossible. Forgiveness is vital to our well-being and the well-being of our families. It is a crucial part of a happy, healthy home. Failure to forgive is deadly as it fills our hearts with anger, bitterness and resentment. It literally poisons the atmosphere of the home
Little wonder then that we are commanded to
“……..FORGIVE EACH OTHER JUST AS IN CHRIST GOD FORGAVE YOU.” (Ephesians 5:32)
In Matthew 6:15 Jesus said, “IF YOU DO NOT FORGIVE MEN THEIR SINS, YOUR FATHER WILL NOT FORGIVE YOUR SINS .”
Being part of a family gives us plenty of opportunities to forgive. Henri Nouwen once defined forgiveness as “love practiced among people who love poorly.” “Forgiveness is a holy, complete, unqualified giving. It is a willing relinquishment of certain rights. The one sinned against chooses not to demand his/her rights of redress for the hurt suffered. It does not demand a punishment or exact a payment.” Forgiveness is an act of mercy.
Forgiveness is not an eraser that necessarily wipes the memory of the act forever from your mind. Depending upon the seriousness and frequency of the offense that is sometimes impossible. “It is still history. The scar may be permanent. To forgive and forget is to forget the anger and resentment we feel toward the person who injured us. It is to not hold it against the person and not bring the skeleton out of the closet again. Forgiving involves letting go of the anger and resentment even though the memory of the offense might remain. It is letting go……and moving on. Even though we might remember the deed we treat the person as if it never happened.”
That is forgiveness….but we do not always offer it. Depending upon the nature and frequency of the offense it can seem an impossible task. With the Lord’s help it can, however, be done. It is a matter of hating the sin and loving the sinner.
What family life does for us “is hold up a mirror to our sin. It forces us to face ourselves honestly and causes us to consider our character flaws, selfishness” and bad attitudes.
In the daily give and take of family life our weaknesses and flaws become readily apparent. Our need of transformation becomes obvious. Family life can be just the motivation we need to allow the Holy Spirit to change us. Our shortcomings can be just what we need to drive us to our knees seeking God’s help in making us more Christ-like. Prayer is the catalyst for spiritual growth and Christ-likeness.
THE SOURCE OF LOVE AND FORGIVENESS
Loving and forgiving others as Christ loves and forgives us is a tall order indeed. We cannot possibly accomplish it in our own strength and power. Christ Himself is the source of this love and forgiveness that we must have for others. In the most painful and difficult of circumstances “it can only come from Him. We cannot fabricate this love and forgiveness.
We cannot fake it or pretend that we have it.”“Only as the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, can we fully forgive and unconditionally love others.
The secret of loving and forgiving others is to be found in our love for Christ and our day-by-day relationship with Him. The closer we walk with the Lord, the tighter will become the bonds of love that unite us with those” in our families. The more we love Christ, the more that love overflows to others. For our love to others is but the reflection of the love God bestowed upon us in Christ.” Also as we reflect upon Christ’s love and forgiveness of us we are empowered to more fully love and forgive those in our families. After all who are we to withhold from others that which God has so freely and graciously bestowed upon us?
CONCLUSION
Next time conflict, struggles, or pressures arise in your family, view them as opportunities for God to work in your life and change you for the better. Through them He desires to make you more like Christ. Tough times can make us more loving and forgiving. Seek the Lord’s strength and wisdom in the midst of the tense times in your family. Go to Him in prayer.
Depend upon Him. Yield to that still small voice of His Holy Spirit within you. And watch how God uses the family to shape us and mold us, enabling us to more fully conform to the image of Christ.
