2 Samuel 13:24-31 Tells of one of the most dysfunctional families in the Bible.
Consider this family :
The husband commits adultery.
His son (Amnon) raped his half-sister (Tamar, the sister of Absalom).
The husband did not implement discipline.
The full brother (Absalom) killed his half brother (Amnon).
The husband also committed murder to cover up his sin.
The family was divided all because a man failed to carry his relationship to God over into his relationship with his family.
The irony is that it is a family led by one of the most godly men in the Old Testament — King David.
My point is that even godly people may have family problems but there is great hope in the Lord for even the worst situation.
I) HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT
Conflict can be constructive if you handle it properly.
Here are guidelines on how to have F.I.G.H.T.S.
F. ACE the other person, even if they won’t face you.
Don’t avoid conflict with the silent treatment.
I. GNORE the temptation to sidetrack – getting off the subject to avoid taking responsibility.
Admit your fault quickly and completely.
G. UARD your tongue – name calling attacks the person rather than dealing with the issues.
H. ISTORY belongs in the past – don’t bring it up.
God never brings up ours.
T. OUCH it shows you are on the same side.
S.TAY in there – finish the fight and don’t go to bed angry (Eph 4:26)
Resist the temptation to :
1) Blame – Take responsibility for your own actions.
2) Yell – Prov 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
3) Be selfish – rather be selfless even if the other person isn’t. Spiritually mature people aren’t selfish.
4) Change the other person – it usually doesn’t work.
Allow the Lord to make the changes in them – you persist in prayer. Rather, change yourself.
II) HOW TO IMPROVE FAMILY RELATIONS THROUGH COMMUNICATION
A quote from portions of a letter written to a family councilor :
“John and I were deeply in love when we got married. But then, something began to change. He received a promotion about five years ago, and that required him to work longer hours. we didn’t mind the extra time he was putting in. But it never stopped. Now he comes home late every evening. He’s so tired I look forward to his coming home all day ‘cause I have so much to tell him, but he doesn’t feel much like talking. So I fix his dinner and he eats it alone. (I usually eat with the kids earlier in the evening.) After dinner, Then he watches television for a couple of hours and goes to bed. Every Saturday morning he plays golf with three of his friends. Then on Sunday we are in church most of the day. Believe me, there are times when we go for a month or two without having a real, in-depth conversation. You know what I mean? And I get so lonely in that house with three kids climbing all over me. There aren’t even any women in our neighborhood I can talk to, because most of them have gone back to work. There’s no closeness or warmth between us, There we are, lying in bed, having had no communication between us in weeks. He hasn’t tried to be sweet or understanding or tender, yet he expects me to become passionate and responsive to him. I’ll tell you, I can’t do it. Sure, I go along with my duties as a wife, but I sure don’t get anything out of it. And after the two-minute trip is over and John is asleep, I lie there resenting him and feeling like a cheap prostitute. My self-esteem is rock bottom right now. I feel like nobody loves me… I’m a lousy mother and a terrible wife. Sometimes I think that God probably doesn’t love me, either“.
The #1 problem in families is not sex, money, children... it is lack of communication.
Communication is more than just talking. It is an effective sharing of feelings, thoughts, and emotions in a constructive manner that brings about togetherness in a family.
A) REASONS FOR LACK OF COMMUNICATION :
- Never learned how to communicate (no model).
- Fear being vulnerable because of rejection.
- Feeling like communication is impossible so why try.
- Feeling like I don’t have anything to offer,
my ideas are not interesting.
B) HOW CAN I COMMUNICATE BETTER ?
i) Be careful how you criticize -
If you feel you must criticize, follow these guidelines :
- Say 5 good things about someone before 1 criticism.
- Don’t criticize without offering a win/win solution.
- Criticize the problem, not the person.
- Stay in the present, stay on the subject, no dramatics.
- Deal with the root of criticism – what is really bothering you ?
- Be willing to accept positive criticism (Prov 23:12 TLB).
ii) Communicate forgiveness as needed
Ask for and give forgiveness as needed
iii) Express worry, fear, and anxiety wisely
Worry is the interest paid to those who borrow trouble.
Here are some biblical guidelines on expressing these emotions :
- Express it to the Lord first (I Pet 5:7).
The way to worry about nothing is to pray about everything.
- Express it to other family members, if they won’t listen find
someone (of the same sex) who will.
- Realize that worry is an option you don’t have to take.
Trouble in life is mandatory, worry is optional.
- Face problems realistically.
Ask yourself “Is it really worth worrying about ?”
- Focus on solutions rather faultfinding.
Accept that some things can not be changed.
- Don’t let other family members face troubles alone.
iv) Express anger correctly
Can I be Christian and angry? Yes, but your anger must be :
- Directed at something wrong and evil.
- Controlled
- Without malice, revenge, or sin.
The Bible doesn’t tell us to deny anger but to control it.
Here are some guidelines on how to express anger correctly :
- Pray, tell God about your anger before taking it out on others.
- Don’t talk about emotional issues when angry.
- Direct your anger at things, situations, and circumstances, not
people.
- Share your emotion with someone in a non threatening way.
III) HOW TO BUILD A STRONG FOUNDATION FOR FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
A) THE BASIS FOR STRONG RELATIONSHIPS
i) Commitment
I am referring to commitment to a spouse, child, or parent (even if they are not a Christian).
Society says – look out for number one, I have to do what’s best for me, my happiness is the most important thing in life. As Christians, the Lord has called us to commitment in good times as well as difficult times - that is how the Lord is committed to us.
Jesus warned us that difficult times will come :
John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
Two types of stresses come upon family relationships :
1) Catastrophic events. e.g. Heart attack, major accident, child born crippled, unemployment, bankruptcy, etc....
2) Minor irritants – over time these may be more threatening to the relationship. e.g. toilet paper hung the wrong way, etc....
How can I become more committed to my family? Realize...
- Commitment is not based on feelings, emotions,
circumstances, or situations.
- Commitment to family grows out of our commitment to Christ.
We can be committed because Jesus is committed to us.
ii) Christian maturity
The basic building block of any family is a strong relationship with the Lord. All other relationships build out of this one.
Even if other family members don’t know the Lord, you seek maturity in your own life.
Most Christian growth that I have experienced didn’t happen by my setting goals, being better disciplined, or trying harder. These things usually only ended in frustration and despair.
The biggest steps to maturity that I have experienced happened when God did it, usually in an area of my life where I wasn’t even trying to improve - He just did it - all I was doing was abiding in Him.
Certainly we always want to do the best to maintain our spiritual disciplines but never think that maturity can be achieved apart from Him working in us.
The number one thing you can do to strengthen your family is not : reading a self help book, going to a family councilor, going to a seminar, etc.... (Although these things may be very good).
The number one thing you can do is to build a love relationship with the Lord. Some may ask “How do I do that ?”
The same way that you build any relationship - by spending time together.
iii) Unconditional Love
This is the love that God showed to us in Christ. (i.e. Agape love).
Agape means :
- Action, not just intentions.
- Involvement, not just passiveness.
- Loving without condition.
- Loving the undeserving, unlovable, and unresponsive.
- Giving of oneself based on an accurate knowledge of the needs
of others.
Agape love is the best way to bless your family.
Dr. Ed Wheat from Love life for every married couple :
“There is no substitute for the emotional well being that comes from feeling loved and accepted, completely and unconditionally“.
The benefits of Agape love :
- The other’s self image will improve (Making it easier for them
to function in the family).
- It carries others through difficult and stressful times.
- It brings security and stability.
- It reduces defensiveness.
How do I know if I am showing Agape love ? Ask :
Is my treatment of others based on their behavior or performance ?
Do I give love only as a reward for good behavior ?
Do I require others to change before I love them more ?
Do I think that I can improve others behavior by withholding love ?
How can I love my family with Agape love ?
Understand (experientially) the Agape love of God.
Make a choice to love unconditionally.
Remember the Lord’s love for you and how He wants you to share it.
You may say "They won’t respond to my Agape love". I would like to ask - were you at first unresponsive to Christ’s Agape love? I was, but eventually I responded to Him.
Conclusion : I would encourage you to persist in building strong family relationships using the biblical guidelines that I have given this morning. Commit yourself to the Lord and His ways and you will be amazed at what He will do.
