¡§Dealing with Difficult People¡¨
Romans 12:14-21
Think and live wisely regarding difficult people 14-21
Living in this world presents us with a perpetual parade of people problems. How do we deal with irritating, annoying and down right evil people? What is the godly response to people who hurt us and offend us? How does a renewed mind and a transformed life approach with such relational turbulence? Since the fall there has been relational struggles among people. Adam and Eve. Cain and Abel. Lamech. Gen 4:23-24
Everything gets better when you become a Christian right?
Galatians 5:14-15 1 Cor. 3:3-4 James 3:13-16; 4:1-3
You have heard me quote this little limerick before.
To dwell above with the saints we love, that will be glory.
But to live below with the saints we know, now that¡¦s a different story.
We live in a culture of broken relationships. Mainly because we no longer know what it means to live by the power of the Spirit. We spend most of our time living by the energy of the flesh. Paul clearly detailed the results of a fleshly life.
Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. Galatians 5:19-21
Notice that most of these have to do with relational turbulence and even meltdown?
Jesus warned that the life of Christian down here would not be Eden or even easy.
"Remember the word that I said to you, ’A slave is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also. John 15:20
"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
"Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. "Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5:10-12
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Paul echoed the same truth.
Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. 2 Tim. 3:12
David lamented about betrayal and mistreatment often in the Psalms (35:12-16)
So how do we respond to such treatment? There are many passages which point the godly path through this dark storm.
"You have heard that it was said, ’YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? "If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? "Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:43-48
How does a beloved son of God, a saint, a gifted ambassador respond to difficult people. Paul draws the Roman believers a fairly complete picture that runs somewhat (Ok a whole lot) contrary to how we might naturally respond in the flesh to difficult people. A majority of Christians don¡¦t respond anywhere near what we will find here in the face of relational garbage. The quick gut or flesh reaction to encounters with difficult people is as follows¡K
ƒÀSpeak evil of them.
ƒÀRejoice at their suffering, resent their success.
ƒÀIgnore and avoid them if at all possible
ƒÀConvince yourself how much better you are than they are.
ƒÀDo to them as they do to you (return evil for evil)
ƒÀInstigate things that you know bother and irritate them
ƒÀMake no effort to make peace - wait for them to come to you
ƒÀFigure out some way to avenge yourself ignoring any glaring needs in their life
ƒÀAllow the thoughts of their evil actions consume you and eventually conquer you.
The rest of our time together I want to explore what a Spirit-directed response looks like when dealing with difficult people. There is no guarantee that responding this way will result in restoring relationships but it will keep your focus on God and produce inner peace and freedom. It may be the key that wins someone to Christ. According to Peter it will be cause for unbelievers giving glory to God at Christ¡¦s coming when they finally realize the truth.
Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation. 1 Peter 2:12
Godly response to difficult people?
First, we are talking about responding to ¡§Those who persecute¡¨ We encountered this word in regard to hospitality last week. It is the same root word. To pursue, chase after, rivet your focus on. It is the idea of focusing on someone to go after them and capture them. It could be used in a positive sense, in the case of being friendly to strangers, chasing after them with good intentions or it could be used in a negative sense, in the case of chasing someone for evil purposes. All of us have suffered ill treatment by another person to one degree or another. Rejection, being ignored, abandoned, betrayed, lied about, ridiculed, generally treated badly, misunderstood, and disrespected.
The list goes on. We have all been the focus of someone¡¦s anger or rage at one time or another. We have been disappointed by an apparent disregard for our feelings. People have failed to live up to a promise or hold up their end of a bargain. Due to the grammatical structure of this passage in the original language I think that a strong case can be made for applying all the responses presented through the rest of the chapter to difficult people. How are we to respond to these injustices?
1. Speak well, not ill 12:14
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
We are to bless!
The word translated ¡§bless¡¨ in this passage is made up of two Greek words.
¡§eu¡¨ and ¡§logeo¡¨ ¡§eulogy¡¨ -- ¡§speak well¡¨
The godly response to difficult people is to ¡§speak well¡¨, say nice things, build up, honor, wish and pray for good things, blessings to happen, encourage. All of these things are within the concept of blessing someone. There is power in words.
God hears our words. Angels, both evil and elect, hear and respond to our words as messengers of their commander. Our words dispatch angels sent to do God¡¦s or Satan¡¦s bidding. When we speak evil words or say things that hurt, tear down, dishonor, wish evil things and discourage we invite demonic pressure on those we curse. Our natural response is to speak evil or wish evil upon the offensive party. Curses are words spoken intended to bring about evil or hindrance to someone. God calls us to bless and not curse.
not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. For, "THE ONE WHO DESIRES LIFE, TO LOVE AND SEE GOOD DAYS,
MUST KEEP HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING DECEIT. 1 Peter 3:9-10
Jesus adds we are not only to speak well to others about them; we are to speak well to God about them. Pray for your enemies and those who despitefully use you. We are called to speak well and wish well not evil of those who pursue or persecute us for whatever reason. Paul repeats this instruction to bless twice because it is one of the most critical responses. We must guard our heart which controls our mouth which conveys blessing or cursing.
Scripture abounds with passages regarding the power of the tongue and our words. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. (Prov 18:21)
If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless. James 1:26
But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water? Can a fig tree, my brethren, produce olives, or a vine produce figs? Nor can salt water produce fresh.
James 3:8-12
For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well. James 3:2
The toughest time to tame the tongue is in the face of persecution or relational turmoil. Once our mouth gets out of control we have lost the battle and join the ranks of difficult people ourselves and generally complicate things by our caustic tongue. We become the very thing we detest. Put a guard on your mouth. Speak well not ill. Negative speech entrenches a negative attitude which cultivates a negative character and we eventually become a difficult person to others.
2. Identify with their circumstances
¡§¡Kto rejoice with those rejoicing, to weep with those weeping.¡¨ Romans 12:15
Another natural response to difficult people is to resent their success and rejoice and celebrate their suffering. If things go well for them, our fleshly inclination is disappointment, resentment, anger. We sense a smug delight when things turn difficult for them. They got what they deserved.
Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles;
Or the LORD will see it and be displeased, and turn His anger away from him. Proverbs 24:17-18
God instructs us to honestly identify with them and their circumstances.
Rejoice with them when they rejoice.
Weep with them when they weep.
Peter summarizes a whole section on dealing with difficult people like this¡K
To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; 1 Peter 3:8
The word sympathetic means ¡§to suffer with.¡¨ Here the Spirit of God instructs us to identify with difficult people. In doing so, we perhaps may come to understand why they are they way they are. Difficult people often are struggling with difficult circumstances.
Find out what it might be before you decide to cut them out of your life or engage in an adversarial relationship. The old Indian proverb urges us not to criticize a person until we have walked in their moccasins. Rejoice with their rejoicing. Weep with their weeping.
First we are to properly channel our speech. Second we are to guide our emotions.
Our fleshly tendency is to direct our emotions to function in a contrary not sympathetic way. We set up a retaliatory response by withholding emotions and drawing up sides. We cut off our God-given ability to feel with others and identify with their pain and suffering. Failure to identify with them, especially if they are believers, blocks our divine mission and calling to minister to people for Christ. You will never win those you are fussing against. Failure to sympathize turns us into difficult people ourselves. We cannot conquer evil. We allow evil to get the best of us. Rejoice with their success. Weep with their suffering.
The next verse has to do with properly aligning our thinking. Paul first addresses our thinking regarding difficult people. Then Paul tackles our thinking regarding ourselves.
3. Apply the same standard you use for yourself
¡§Be of the same mind toward one another¡¨
Literally this verse reads ¡§be thinking the same thing toward one another.¡¨ This is different than other verses promoting unity among believers. Be thinking the same thing AMONG one another or develop a common goal or thinking. This is, ¡§be thinking the same thing TOWARD one another.¡¨
That is, as one commentator put it, ¡§having in mind for another the same thing that under like circumstances one has in mind for oneself. I am to want you to have what, if I were in your position, I should want myself to have.¡¨
Think the same about them as you do yourself. Don¡¦t operate on a double standard. Evaluate things the same way as you would for yourself. Give them the same benefit of the doubt as you might give yourself. If it is good for you, it is good for them. If it is bad for them, it is bad for you. Most of us judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intention. We apply a much stricter standard when it comes to others. Scripture teaches about God judging us by the same standard we use to judge others. If we want mercy we must show mercy. If we want forgiveness we must forgive. You get the point. When we get an attitude toward someone, all of a sudden we scrutinize everything they do through this negative grid. All of a sudden everything they do is interpreted as evil and vindictive. Left too long and we develop a paranoia about everyone.
We put people in a box from which there is no escape. Our natural tendency is to treat difficult people more skeptically and harshly. Paul tells us to use the same thought process toward others that we use regarding ourselves.
4. Don¡¦t think yourself better but be willing to work with others.
do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Romans 12:16
This verse includes both negative and positive responses. Our fleshly tendency is to consider ourselves on a higher status level and avoid such people altogether as unworthy of our effort or time. We go to great lengths, in our mind, to view our ¡§difficult¡¨ person below our level. We may have a greater difficulty controlling our thoughts and words and seek to put them down in order to look better than they are. We try to avoid any further contact. Paul tells us to stop thinking so highly about ourselves and be willing to go along with those who are humbled or lowly or depressed. The word translated ¡§associate¡¨ means to go along with, be lead or carried away with. How far are you willing to go in order to communicate the love of Christ?
5. Don¡¦t be a know it all.
¡§Do not be wise in your own estimation.¡¨ 12:16
When the flesh is on a roll we are sure that we know better than those around us. At that point we become someone else¡¦s difficult person. Paul warns us against becoming a ¡§know it all.¡¨ In order to protect our fragile ego we must continually try to convince those around us and ourselves that we know something about everything. ¡§If I were doing that I would¡K¡¨ We should be willing to consider the simple fact that even though we do not like what a person did and they are difficult to deal with, they just may have something they could teach us or have a better take on a situation than we do and be willing to work with them. When we are not so busy trying to prove how smart we are we just may find out that the problem with the difficult person just happens to center in me not them. At any rate, staying humble and open keeps us pliable to the work of Christ in our life and in the relationship.
6. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone ever!
¡§Never pay back evil for evil to anyone¡¨
The fleshly response is often to do to others exactly what they have done to us. Give them what they deserve. Respond in like kind. Paul admonishes us not to pay back evil for evil to anyone not even one. No exceptions! When we do, we for sure become a difficult person. We get tied up in the temporal offense rather than keeping our eternal focus. The old saying is Biblical ¡§Two wrongs don¡¦t make a right.¡¨ We must refuse to stoop to the tactics employed by others. Our actions must be above reproach. Jesus had every right and the wherewithal to lash out at those persecuting Him. He refused in order to accomplish a higher purpose. His focus was ministry and redemption and so must it be ours.
7. Give thought to what is good for others.
¡§Respect what is right in the sight of all men.¡¨
The word used here means, ¡§to think ahead of time, take forethought.¡¨ Our natural tendency is to think about what might hurt the one who hurt us and do things that we know might push their buttons. Paul called for the exercise of genuine love which focuses on actions that are godly and considered good even by those who have hurt us.
8. Live in peace by all means possible if at all possible.
¡§If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.¡¨
Two qualifiers. If possible. As far as it depends on you.
You can¡¦t control other people. Therefore peace may not always be possible. However, we are do everything possible within our disposal to initiate reconciliation. Our goal should always be if possible to live in peace with everyone. Our natural tendency is to divide people into those we fight against and those we live with. We are to be peacemakers. Blessed are the peacemakers. It is our job to take the initiative to do what we can to make peace with difficult people.
9. Never avenge yourself
¡§Never take your own revenge, beloved¡¨
The natural tendency of the flesh is to avenge ourselves. Since no one else is looking out for our interest we¡¦d better do it. Paul makes it very clear that vengeance is not our calling or job. God didn¡¦t call us to the revenge business. God called us to forgive and reconcile not punish and condemn. The offended party is never in any position to fairly effect justice. A judge is never allowed to judge his own case. The legal system works carefully to avoid ¡§conflicts of interest.¡¨ We are never to try to get justice for ourselves but turn it over to the one who judges impartially, the absolutely righteous One. Besides the prohibition concerning vengeance, Paul adds two admonitions.
1 - Let God do His thing to them.
but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.
Stay out of God¡¦s way. God alone sees all that needs to be done and can perfectly deal with life¡¦s injustices.
Besides leaving the vengeance to God, Paul instructs us to no only speak well of those who persecute us and hurt us but to¡K
2 - Let us do well to them.
"But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Romans 12:19-20
The opposite of seeking retribution is seeking ministry. Be feeding the hungry. Be causing to drink the thirsty. Such action proves beneficial to the one we serve. Many people misunderstand the phrase ¡§heap burning coals on his head.¡¨
Some think that feeding and watering the enemy is a back door to vengeance. It will cause them to be miserable. In this context that would be contradictory to what God just asked us not to do. The motive is loving ministry not vengeful misery. This interpretation seems to be clearer in the source material from which this passage is quoted.
If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;
For you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you. Proverbs 25:21-22
It is hard to believe that the Lord rewards us for scorching a guys head with burning coals.
Paul calls for an active love that not only responds to ill treatment by speaking well but also by doing well and let God deal with their actions.
10. Don¡¦t be conquered by the evil but conquer the evil by doing the good
¡§Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.¡¨ 12:21
I think this final instruction serves as a summary of the whole section. Our natural tendency is to allow the negative things people do to us to provoke us to do evil things ourselves and thus be conquered by evil. Paul warns here not to allow yourselves to be concurred by evil but conquer the evil by doing the good as outlined in this passage.
ƒÀSpeak well not ill
ƒÀIdentify with their circumstances and sympathize.
ƒÀApply the same standard to others that you would to yourself.
ƒÀDon¡¦t think you are better and associate with the lowly.
ƒÀDon¡¦t think you know it all.
ƒÀNever pay back evil for evil to anyone ever
ƒÀGive thought to what is good for others.
ƒÀLive in peace if at all possible and by any means possible
ƒÀNever avenge yourself but focus on ministry instead.
By doing the good in the face of the evil you will conquer the evil that seeks to envelope you and destroy you and may even have some affect on the evil that torments the tormentor; the power that drives the difficult person. Such a response to difficult people requires a supernatural work of the Spirit in us. God enables us to respond to difficult situations with endurance and long-suffering.
For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. 1 Peter 2:20
This is exactly how Jesus responded to those who mistreated Him, abandoned Him, denied Him and even betrayed Him to be cruelly crucified.
For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, WHO COMMITTED NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND IN HIS MOUTH; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls. 1 Peter 2:21-25
So much of the time we are conquered by evil and it can¡¦t be said of us that we committed no sin. Jesus found the strength to respond and not sin by continually entrusting His soul to Him who judges righteously and by focusing on ministry. Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross and despised the pain and rose victorious.
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation. If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name¡KTherefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right. 1 Peter 4:12-19
Application
Let the Holy Spirit take you through these responses.
Someone hurt you?
Divorce?
Betrayal?
A difficult person?
Failure to respond in a godly way to those who hurt us only puts us in bondage and we ourselves become tormented and become tormentors in the life of others.
Perhaps Jabez¡¦s prayer to keep him from being a pain and being pained has great application here.
What did God say today?
Will you make a commitment to consider this portrait of a godly response to difficult people and let the Holy Spirit enable you to apply it to your situation?
Only God can enable us to respond this way. Will you ask Him?
