How to be a great husband
Last week we heard, “ how to be a great wife”. I live with danger when tackling that topic. If I didn’t get it right, I could get beat up at home. In fact some of you men came up to me and in a very manly way started sharing with me the bruises you suffered from your wife who sat next to you in church, from all the nudging in the pews. You proceeded to show me the nudge marks on your ribs. That tells me I was right on, I didn’t do too bad, must have hit some home-runs there. This week’s sermon deals with a tougher issue than last week’s. I’ve got to tackle now “how to be a great husband.” Telling men what to do - now that is risky. Have you known any husband to ask for directions when they are lost?
First piece of free advice: No more wrestling in the pews or nudging in the pews or violence of any sort. Men, just hold your wife’s hand, and squeeze lovingly, if a point hits home. When your wife squeals in pain, you have gone over the line, bud! I think I am feeling a bit of pressure now about this great husband stuff, if I don’t get it right, I can get into bigger trouble. I can get more than nudge marks on my ribs from some the big guys in the pews. If you pick up tomorrow’s paper and see me in the front page see the headlines “Pastor abused by irate husbands” or if next week if u see, bruises on me, or if I am hospitalized, or find another preacher preaching on this pulpit, you know what happened. There is a story that goes…
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you’re the boss." The husband takes the doctor’s advice.
He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife’s face, and growls, "From now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I’m going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who’s going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"
His wife says calmly, "The undertaker."
It’s tough to be a great husband, isn’t it guys? Our current climate is not very hospitable. There appears to be quite a bit of husband bashing going around. It seems, to me, it has become quite fashionable. TV shows almost always presents husbands as lovable pet, lovingly inept and totally out of to lunch when it comes to being a great husband. Exhibit #1 current #1 MTV show - The Osbournes - Ozzy Osbourne , whose household uses curse words freely; #2 “The Simpsons” – Homer Simpson, need I say more? or Exhibit 3 “Home Improvement” with the husband always blowing things up. It is open season for husband beating.
Further proof - Movies such as “First Wives Club” where 3 ex-wives get together and plot the ultimate revenge for their no-good ex-husbands,. How about that recent movie starring Jodie Foster called “The Panic Room” there is a scene where the husband of the woman hero got the stuffing kicked out of him by the bad guys. There’s a sense of yeah he deserved that for all the misery he has Foster through. It’s also in our novels as reported by a journalist: “The dominant mantra in Olivia Goldsmith’s caustic eighth novel, the male-bashing, female-bonding Young Wives, is familiar: The only worthwhile man is a "future former husband." The rest are pond scum.” And the only other good model for a good man is a violence ridden, steroids- laden man such as the Scorpion King or a Rambo. C’mon, who can afford those drugs and the fees they charge at the gyms these days? Guys, we are out to lunch. That’s why many today give up, go for a beer, get a beer gut and hang out with the guys and watch the playoffs. Too much pressure.
Whether you are or not a husband we all can benefit from this message. Some of u here may be one, one of these days, or have one that needs a little encouragement, or have a friend whom you can encourage or have a dad whom you can help and encourage to be a great husband for mom. Because it’s all about Eph.5:18-21. That’s the introduction to the rest of the passage. Don’t take that out of the equation. Spirit-filled mutual submission is the thing that ties this whole passage together. V.21 must always frame the thinking about how to be a great husband. Everyone can learn more about this. One writer puts it “only the weak are stubborn, unyielding and domineering.” That’s so true. Look at who are the ones in society that are stubborn, unyielding and domineering – kids, and are they weak!
I. THE MODEL
First thing regarding being great husbands is this - You gotta be submitted to Jesus Christ, filled with His Spirit. Be a follower of Jesus Christ. You are not gonna be a truly great husband, without following Jesus. Every great figure in history speaks of great models to follow. Almost every young hockey player/fan will rattle of names like Gretzky, or a Yzerman (boo?) or because they know the can copy the moves of the great ones to be great themselves too. Nobody will say I am gonna model my moves with the moves of Andrew Chan, look at way he dekes, skates, shoot the puck… firstly I can’t even put on a pair skates… people model after someone greater than they.
There is no better model for us to follow when it comes to being a great husband than Jesus Christ. Yes, consider Jesus, for He is described as the husband of the church, and the church as his bride. We know the church is not perfect, and are wives are the same. Yet Jesus loved the church and gave His life, and the Bible tells us that’s the way to go. It is Jesus’ life, leadership, headship, His sacrificial offering of Himself in dying for His beloved church that will be the model of what a great husband looks like. This is God showing us the way he designed husbands to love imperfect wives in a fallen world.
Karl Barth was lecturing to a group of students at Princeton. One student
asked the German theologian "Sir, don’t you think that God has revealed
himself in other religions and not only in Christianity?" Barth’s answer
stunned the crowd. With a modest thunder he answered, "No, God has not
revealed himself in any religion, including Christianity. He has revealed
himself in his Son."
However, this is the step many find difficult to submit to. Listen to Paul Henderson the man who scored the goal of the century in the 1972 Canada/Russia series. “… it was a real struggle for me to become a Christian for a number of reasons. First, I had always prided myself in being a self-made man. I was used to being in control of my life.”
ILLUSIONS OF A MAN
A. CONTROL
Many men feel very strongly about this, esp. here in North America, where the pioneering entrepreneurial spirit is still much alive. We want to be seen as being in control. But look at our North American scene, marriages are failing in big numbers. If I ask if any one of us know of anyone who has either personally gone through break-ups in marriages or know of someone who has broken up, or if their marriages are in trouble, probably all hands will shoot up. And because of the illusion that real men are in control, or self-made, that I need no one, what happens this lie makes men become fearful. Many are silenced into an unhealthy submission to that code of silence due to fear. To go to God means you admit you are not in control. To need help is to be weak. So men today die off slowly, with no buddy to help out, no support system, but a slow lonely death march into loneliness. They rather have the illusion of being control, just as America believed she was invincible before 9/11. Lose the myth of the self-made man. Even the Lone Ranger had Tonto!
B. IMAGE
Paul Henderson said the same: “I was also afraid of what my friends would think.” Fear that others think we have gone soft. Lose that tough guy image. Lemme tell ya, there ain’t a tougher guy, than Jesus. Look at Jesus, he is the toughest hombre in town. When he was hanging on the cross, nailed there by some really mean people. I mean who can take the abuse heaped on him, physical and emotional and yet calmly say, “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they’re doing.” Talk about tough! He could have cried for mommy. He could have call the thousands of angels at his beck and call and dispose all of those who hurt him. He could hissed back and say in an Austrian accent “I’ll be back” or “You’re gonna be sorry” or be totally cheesed off. But He was not afraid of what others would think, He knew who He was, what He needed to do, and why. He did His assignment as prophesied, and like a good soldier He died on that cross so that the world can find security in an insecure world through His sacrifice. I dare anyone to follow that kind of toughness.
C. FREEDOM
Henderson also said: “I still looked at Christianity’s ’dos’ and ’don’ts’ and thought that it was so narrow. How could I be a ’man’s man’ and a Christian, I thought. I was worried that I would have to give up too much.” Consider what Jesus said (Lk.9:23-34): “"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” There is cost to follow Jesus, give whole life to Jesus but consider the benefits! You will save your life… you will gain more than u lose! He says we gonna have treasures in heaven if we invest our lives in Him, in His cause.
In fact following Christ is true freedom. The rules disappear, instead it is the pursuit of a relationship of grace and freedom that takes centre stage. No longer do we have to ask did I follow the instructions, did I do this right? Rather God says, “if you know the truth, the truth will set you free.” Saying that his priority is fpr us become His family, relationship to be sons and daughters, not slaves to law. Slaves have no claim, but sons and daughters yes! Gal 5:1 (NIV) “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” You are not giving too much to follow Jesus. What you give up is slavery, what u gain is freedom what u stand to gain is the incredible riches of heaven through Christ promised we will be coheirs with Him.
Let me throw out a couple of current benefits of a being a great husband:
1. Better quality of life: “Married people are less depressed, suicidal, violent, and prone to drug abuse than their single and divorced cohorts,” says a report issued February 14, 2002 by the Institute for American Values, the Center of the American Experiment, and the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education. Does that sound like giving up too much?
2. Longer richer life: “Married folks also live longer and make more money” was the claim made by a CT Today article. Also, “according to a German medical magazine, which reported the results of an insurance company survey, a husband who kisses his wife each day before they separate for work will probably live 5 years longer, earn 20% more money, lose up to 50% less time because of illness, and be involved in fewer automobile accidents than the husband who doesn’t kiss his wife each day” (John Drescher, For the Love of Marriage, 1996, p.71) Does that sound like being a great husband is a lousy deal?
All u guys ready to be great husbands- “Love your wives” remember this is written in context where women are not valued, treated as low as slaves, treated as property, where women are dominated. Instead of saying dominate, rule, overpower, strut your stuff, Paul instructs “husbands, love your wives.” This is radical stuff. Immaturity, insecurity, will cause us to want to dominate, show who’s boss. Mature, secure people will say: how can I love better. And still is, given the stats of domestic violence against women. Loving your wife has to do with:
1. CONNECTION ACTION: Intentional action of Christ to win back the love of His bride, Jesus did not just cry from heaven “I love you” he showed it. He physically demonstrated His love. He didn’t wait for his bride, to say I love u first, or respond, He initiated movement first. He came down to the level of His bride, entered time and space, become a man, died on the cross. He became historical not hysterical, in the sense of He didn’t just rant and rave in heaven about the sinful human condition, He became visible, within touching distance, not far, not removed, he connected.
He came and died for us “…God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Rom.5:8, NIV). Ask self what have I done lately, that shows initiation, connection action, I would give myself to my wife?
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
John 15:15 "I no longer call you servants...instead I call you friends."
How have you connected as a friend, can u call your wife "friend"?
2. COMMUNICATION EXTRAORDINARY - SHE IS SET APART:
Not just small talk, but words that speak to the heart. Communication which is extraordinary “you’re special” you’re cherished, perhaps what u may think as the “corny” stuff. Jesus is THE WORD became flesh… His words are redemptive - communicate forgiveness, a unique love, distinctive care, He as the Word came extraordinary, for no gods would declare a personal relationship like Jesus who said “For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son” The words spoken speak of no condemnation, of removal of guilt and shame, of restoration, of sweet connection that has no static. Jesus sets apart or makes holy the church, cleaning her up, through the word. That’s our model.
Word which is communicated, fleshed out, lived out, spoken out, not silent, not distancing, which sets apart, special, holy, sacred!
26to MAKE HER HOLY, cleansing[2] her by the washing with water THROUGH THE WORD.
27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
ILLUS.
Johnny Lingo was a handsome bachelor in a village where the custom was that a man would pay a dowry to the father in order to be granted permission to marry the daughter. The average dowry price for a maiden was three cows, although an exceptionally beautiful girl might go for as high as five cows.
One day, Johnny Lingo went to the father of Sarita to negotiate a dowry. Tongues immediately began to wag, for it was well known that Sarita was not very pretty. In fact, she was considered to be rather plain. On the other hand, Johnny Lingo was known for being such a sharp negotiator that some speculated that he might be able to obtain Sarita for as low as one cow.
However, Johnny Lingo did nothing of the sort. He marched up to Sarita’s father and offered eight cows for her hand in marriage. Eight cows! It was unheard of! No one had ever paid such a high price for a bride. And for such a plain woman as Sarita!
But after the wedding, a strange thing happened. Sarita began to take on a noble bearing. Her head was held high. Her eyes sparkled. She beamed with an inner glow. And in the years that followed, she became known as the most beautiful woman in the entire village. People would come from afar to see her, as her radiant grace became almost legendary.
One day, Johnny Lingo was asked why he had paid such an exorbitant price for a wife. He replied, “I really loved Sarita and wanted to express the high value of our marriage. Her self-esteem has been greatly elevated as she realizes that her dowry price was higher than any other woman in the village.” Then with a grin, he added, "But the other reason I had was that I wanted to marry an eight-cow wife."
Sarita radiated, beamed with an inner glow because of the love and the worth, high value the husband gave to the marriage. God paid the highest possible price for you.
Not merely in cows, but in His one and only Son.
That makes you a prized possession of inestimable value.
Wash yourself and your wife daily with the word of God, the truths that’s out of Scripture - “You are special to God” help her to remember grace, show mercy when she fails, talk to her about the great love of Christ and say “u know what you are special to me too!” in different ways. Serve your wife this way, watch out if she would not respond to you! Watch out if she would not submit to such love.
Today, whether you’re wife, husband, single, unattached, engaged or not – remember this - No one loves you more.
No one—no one—has made more of an investment in you than God. No one sees u as set apart, special, sacred, holy than the one who died for you. See experience, savor God’s word of love to u.
One expert suggests that we communicate only about 7 percent by words. Perhaps half of our communication is through body language, - facial expressions, touches, gestures, the raised eyebrow, shaking of a finger, nudging in pews, all sorts of ways.
What robs you of the power of the word?
Is it not true that much of verbal communication is in our tone of voice too? According to marriage counsellor, much of the friction in the average home comes from tone of voice. The way something is said says more than the actual words. Does your tone invite closeness or distance?
Check out your tone of voice. Poor or little communication is almost always the key problem in unhappy marriages – produces heartbreaking loneliness. Too little sharing of feelings and thinking rob husbands and wives, sons and daughters of sharing love concern and care. Watch out for things that rob real communication, the TV, the internet, hundreds of things you take for granted that could rob you of time and then watch the tone of your voice.
Then the Acerbic Stuff: If u want to cut off communication faster than u can say “BOO!” make sarcastic remarks, ridicule or say words like “you never” or “you always” or be historical –resurrecting past failures mistakes as a rebuff or a retort.
Try not to assume u know what the other is thinking, or be psychic - reading mind, clarify with assurance that the love of Christ is sufficient for you and your wife… In other words, listen well, not sure say “it sounds like you are feeling… saying,...” with no judging of motives.
With that in mind…
when u become like Christ, in redemptive action and in communication that your wife is set apart, made holy by your words, by the Word of God according to Scripture you are only doing yourself a great favor.
3. ONE FLESH PRINCIPLE: LOVE FOR WIFE + GOD”S MODEL = CARING FOR ME!
28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[3] 32This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
I can’t explain this –God has made two one. “Studies show that in strong marriages spouses have learned to maximize each other’s gifts” The more we recognized that we are in this together for good, as one flesh, as one not two, give in to the need of the other, submitting self to each other, the more we will feel God is in the middle of the marriage. There is as God said, a blending of two distinct persons into one, which is God’s mysterious ideal. We need to remember what might be a sore point, or an irritant regarding the other is actually what is good rather than bad, helping us to be patient, bearing another in love and giving in lovingly and gently. Perhaps some of you heard this piece of news reported on CNN, Wed., Apr.24, 2002 “A study being released at a meeting of the American Heart Association on Wednesday found that men who decide to become househusbands and take care of children at home may be putting their health and hearts in danger. In fact, researchers conducting the study in Framingham, Massachusetts, for the National Institutes for Health found men who have been stay-at-home dads most of their adult lives have an 82 percent higher risk of death from heart disease than men who work outside the home.” What that report seems to say also: the reason the men stayed home is due to the fact the wives have higher earning power. I.e. it’s about money. It is not about choosing to love your wife and support her. It’s not about choosing to treasure the wife, the stress may come from the fact these men feel they are no longer the macho men, threatened by the wife’s income versus theirs. No wonder they die of heart disease so easily. What this says to me is this: men, recognize the incredible gifts your wife. Here gifts are not there to be compete with u or to put u down or to slight u. If she has more earning power than u, more power to her, but does not mean u are any less a man? To Christ u are just as valuable, He died for u too. Furthermore, according to one flesh principle, she is you, 2 have become one, so when she earns you gain. Share in the bounty! Now if your wife has chosen to stay home and be a housewife, that’s great too. Do not under value what she does at home. Treat her like your own body, for no one who is healthy and sane neglects feeding and caring for their own bodies. You are looking after yourself when you see what a treasure you have in your wife who can balance a home and a career. Never again underestimate her value. Pro.31:10-12 (NIV) speaks of the wife who can do that… A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. So love your wives, not dominate, love not cajole, love not manipulate, love not boss around, love not threaten, love don’t just hand her the vaccuum, love like Christ loved the church. She will bring nothing but good when you help her blossom with your love, your commitment, communication, connection, action. And if she does not, that’s not your problem. Someone told me "if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem." If you love like Christ did, you grow, you’ll mature, you’ll be better off, you;llknow the richness of grace, of Christ love in a deeper way. You become a man after God’s own heart. For Christ died for the church even when they was no response, but sinners. Love and you win big time with God. “Husbands, love your wives.”
