How to be a great wife
By Andrew Chan, Senior Pastor, Grace International Baptist
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Eph.5:21-24 (NIV)
What’s that topic gotta do with me? You’re thinking that right? This can get in me in trouble! Esp. me a male, how am I qualified to speak on this? Esp. when most males are maybe thinking it’s hockey playoffs time! But hey, what happens after the playoffs? Some of us will still have a wife, that is if they have not felt abandoned for a month or more. Is this a timely issue or what? After the playoffs, some of us perhaps looking for a partner in life and want to have God’s perspective in choosing a partner. Some here are wives and perhaps looking for an encouraging word from God regarding their roles. Then there are those will be a wife or is a wife or want to help or support someone else to be a great wife, or have a mom and as kid you could help be a great wife your dad, or a daughter you can guide to be a great wife or as a single person learn some principles of relationship building. I believe this topic relates to all, and also because we are the church, for God views the church as His wife, bride, dearly loved. Collectively, we are to be a great wife for God!
There was this couple… totally in love and Christians too. While preparing for their wedding, they thought of honouring God by using a Scripture reference on their wedding cake. So they asked the bakery to inscribe on their wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." Sounds great eh?
However, something happened, the bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" instead of 1 John 4:18 which says ... "for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
How to be a great wife? First, don’t have five husbands. That’ll be messy. Love the one you have now. Next, to be great wife, well, according to the Bible in Ephesians , just submit to your husbands. That’s all. That’s the Bible’s teaching. Case closed. Let’s move on to the next subject.
However, there are complications. It’s not case closed. It is not that simple. We live in complicated times and we need to apply the unchanging truths of the Bible to our changing times, to our contemporary scene. And because our scene, our society assumes there is equality between men and women, how can this instruction then make any sense. The words “submit to your husbands” and husbands as “the head of the wife”. What do those words mean for us today? Just as Stuart Briscoe once noted: “We can’t manipulate the Bible to fit our culture, and we can’t isolate the Bible without applying it to the human world around us. We’ve got to say, ‘The Bible commands it. What did it mean then, and how does it apply today?’ ”
A. What did submission mean in Bible times?
1. Assumption of a Female Workforce:
That women in biblical times didn’t work or use their gifts outside the home is a common misunderstanding. Many think women should be home and raising kids if they were to be great wives. Stuart Briscoe noted: “Women in those days worked in the fields with their husbands or generated income in other ways.” For instance, think of the story of Ruth. If she didn’t go to work, she would not eat. Ruth 2
1 Now Naomi had a relative on her husband’s side, from the clan of Elimelech, a man of standing, whose name was Boaz.
2 And Ruth the Moabitess said to Naomi, "Let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain behind anyone in whose eyes I find favor." Naomi said to her, "Go ahead, my daughter."
3 So she went out and began to glean in the fields behind the harvesters. As it turned out, she found herself working in a field belonging to Boaz, who was from the clan of Elimelech.
4 Just then Boaz arrived from Bethlehem and greeted the harvesters, "The LORD be with you!" "The LORD bless you!" they called back.
5 Boaz asked the foreman of his harvesters, "Whose young woman is that?"
6 The foreman replied, "She is the Moabitess who came back from Moab with Naomi.
7 She said, `Please let me glean and gather among the sheaves behind the harvesters.’ She went into the field and has worked steadily from morning till now, except for a short rest in the shelter."
8 So Boaz said to Ruth, "My daughter, listen to me. Don’t go and glean in another field and don’t go away from here. Stay here with my servant girls. (women worked as part of the harvesting crew)
9 Watch the field where the men are harvesting, and follow along after the girls. I have told the men not to touch you. And whenever you are thirsty, go and get a drink from the water jars the men have filled." (sounds like sexual harassment in the workplace is not just an issue of our times)
Hence, to assume that the “traditional one income family” is a biblical teaching is not a right assumption.
2. Assumption of balance in home/work life.
Think of the woman in described in Proverbs 31 – you will find there is an assumption that she is not just to stay home and look pretty. She is a business executive, household manager, educated and dignified and a blessing to everyone. There appears to be a balance of work and home life. It does discriminate and say one way is better than the other. Yet many today in conservative circles think of a great godly home as one that has a wife and mother at home and a husband as breadwinner, to be a biblical pattern, It’s not. As a result, many are made to feel guilty because they have a career. Or because they are pursuing an education or are educated.
Perhaps you’ve heard in Singapore, a couple of years ago, many of the educated women there were finding it difficult to get men to marry them. So the government even had to play matchmaker, organize subsidized holidays in resorts so that these women can be matched with men. But the real issue is that many of the Singaporean men wanted a “submissive woman” i.e. what they want is a wife who is less threatening to their sense of well-being whom they can control and shut up, not offer opinions nor give an intelligent response, less educated. They do not want to be upstaged by a smarter wife, or a more successful wife. It makes them feel less of a male. It is not that they don’t have the opportunity to meet women. They want the sexy bimbos they see in portrayed in abundance ala Hollywood movies. They want females who have the brains of bird and bodies like a goddess, submissive as a slave in a plantation. But look at the ancient Scriptures in Pro.31:10 ff. Look and see what the picture of a great wife looks like…
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. (Why? Because she is a co-worker along with him)
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. (not adversarial)
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. (enthusiastic about work)
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. (didn’t say she has to be a masterchef, but sounds to me talks about the volume, sounds great for guys who eat big)
16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. (Businesswoman, out of her earnings)
17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. (who works hard)
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. (she doesn’t stop, what energy)
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. (who does ministry service)
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. ( no slouch when it comes to looking good either)
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. (looks like she supports her husband as a leader)
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. (again the business sense)
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. (knowledgeable, educated)
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. (looks like she is no passive in running of the house)
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." (great admiration, love)
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. (here in the Bible we are already talking of “pay equity”, long before those words is in fashion)
That the Bible is outdated, behind the times, is so far from the truth, it is totally far ahead of its time, far ahead of today’s culture, which is putting women back into bondage. Look at the magazines tabloids, is all about looking good on the outside, how to be sexy, gorgeous, and seduction - nothing really that dignifies women. No wonder wives today in almost every house are forever insecure and are always asking their husbands, “do I look good” or saying “I’m fat” and the husbands auto response is “you’re not”. NO wonder today wives, feel tremendous pressure, to look good, be a bimbo, who cares about the quality of the inner life, of faith, quality of life at home. NO wonder we are hearing almost every week, there is a divorce in Hollywood, who can live with that pressure of fleeting beauty and charm? Oh do we not see that the world’s standards of beauty are as the Bible said - deceptive and fleeting. One minute they say polka dots are in and next you won’t want to be caught dead in it. One minute, big hair is in and next it’s gone! Remember when, Bo Derek is a 10 and next she is forgotten because a younger thing like a Britney, came along.
Do we not thank God, in this insanity, the Bible paints a picture of dignity and honor, of real life, balance between home life and work life? Who can look like Hollywood stars like without surgery, or steroids? Is it not true that almost every star that has made it big there has something artificial done to them? Nothing is really real there. Because of that unreal pressure, more and more we hear of our society unwittingly agreeing to put women back to “where they belong” as sex objects with no brains, with the erosion of standards of decency and morality, the proliferation and availability of pornography and increase of violence against women as we see in the stories coming out from Port Coquitlam’s infamous Piggy Palace. Can u see the Bible is so counter-culture? Is God’s Word not radical in its view of women?
There is no way you can read these biblical texts I presented and go away saying the Bible wants women to stay home barefoot and pregnant, serving the male ego.
According to Stuart Briscoe: “The Industrial Revolution of the mid-19th century made it possible for many women to stay home while their husbands became the sole breadwinners- and, as a result, often the decision-makers.” Hence, the traditional one income family is a relatively recent invention. Listen, I am not saying we should all become two income families, all I am saying is that to infer that the Bible all along teaches us that it is the male who should be the sole breadwinner is not a biblical teaching. The teaching of the Bible has always been one of complementary partnership. Right in Genesis 1:26-28 we are taught both men and women are designed by the Designer “in the image of God he created him; male and female”, equal in value and dignity and both are assigned the task of ruling over all the earth.
26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, [2] and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
Therefore, the submission that Eph. 5 talks about cannot mean that the wife has to stay home and take orders from the husband. In fact quite the opposite, the wife is seen as one who fully participates in real life, according to the biblical pattern of God’s image and co-rulership i.e. partnership. She is to contribute a whole lot more than our society is prepared to accept even today. The reason why Paul writes the way he did was because there in his time is the incredible abuse of the female, today the same exist in many Middle Eastern cultures. AS A RESULT of freedom in Christ, it might be a special temptation for wives who are now freed up, who suddenly are freed from cultural restrictions to become disruptive in home life. Wives who never felt deeply loved or valued in any way or be secure as a person, suddenly freed up from sinful past, secure in Christ, who had never tasted such freedom, may feel free to do whatever, forget about family and become lazy in their household duties, and so he writes that Spirit-filled wives will have self-control and now choose voluntarily to submit, to serve and care, be-Christlike, reverent as to the Lord, not become a male-basher in her freedom, which she can so easily be given her freedom and status now in the freedom of Christ.
So let’s not see that what the Bible teaches as submission to be somewhat degrading or sub-human, it was never designed to be that way, it is only abuse by sinful humans that twist the meaning of biblical submission to mean that women are to be treated with no value at all to society. Remember Jesus submitted as the Son of God, to God the Father, and yet did not feel diminished as co-equal in the Godhead. Nor did the Spirit of God argue and say why does the Father and the Son seem to be getting more press time then He does. That they are One, yet three is a distinct teaching of the Bible. So the Bible teaches that when wife and husband come together they are one, let no man separate them, let no one make them adversaries, but lovers of each other.
c. It does not mean dominance by the male species. Submission being spoken of here is about wives, not females in general. It is not dominance of males over females here! The husband is the head of his wife as "Christ is the head of the church" (5:23), and in every way it does not mean dominance. That phrase is qualified by, read with me, “Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Christ is head and exists as head because of His rescue effort to save and serve the church. It is for the church, He loves the church. In Matthew 16:18 Jesus said: “ I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.” He is there to build up the church, to die for the church, not tear the church apart, not condemn church, not make fun of her, but build, let it grow and flourish, to become a blessing to others… Based on the Lord Jesus’s pattern, then dominance of the male, curtailing of freedom for the wife, putting curfews on wives, or limiting them in any way is totally out of whack with God’s word.
In Ephesians 1:10, Christ is described as the head over everything for the church, in other words for the benefit of the church. The husband then is responsible, accountable to God that his leadership/headship is exercised for the benefit of his wife.” NO way you take that to mean the wife is to be there for the husband, first obligation is to the husband to be there for the wife. In other words, just as Christ initiated the plan of salvation, in choosing to bless, to choosing His beloved bride the church, to love, to lay down his life for in the Easter event of death on the cross, God is saying to the husbands go exercise your leadership by building up the wife so she could flourish, grow and be that ideal wife that Proverbs 31 talks about. The point of the husband’s headship is to care for, protect, nurture and nourish the wife to reach her full potential.
This is further indicated in the fourth chapter of Ephesians, where Christ is described as the head, or the "source" from which the whole body derives its sustenance (verses 15,16). By that pattern, while the husband is given some delegated authority to use for his wife’s benefit, he also functions as a source of enrichment and encouragement so that she might grow and develop just as the church develops under the headship of Christ. So there is no warrant here for any idea of dominance, but what’s best for the wife to become a contributing member of the household. As one commentator wrote: “If anything, Paul’s instructions in Ephesians are designed to protect women from being dominated by men. The Greco-Roman culture that he was addressing was male-dominated. That culture, was convinced that law and order in society was possible only when it was maintained in the household by strong- even dictatorial- authoritative head over women and children and slaves, all of whom had no rights.”
Remember it was Paul came along, and championed the liberty of those who were looked down upon. He told women and children and slaves that, according to the gospel, they were made in the image of God, that they were redeemed, valued and loved by Christ even though imprisoned by culture but they are set free by Christ Gal.3:26-28 says: 26You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, 27for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Paul told them that they were indwelt by the Holy Spirit and given gifts to be exercised in the church. Paul was the radical, changing the views that women are useless, he is not the male chauvinist that many misunderstand him to be.
Ephesians is also clear about submission, first stating that spouses i.e. husbands and wives should submit to one another. There is mutual submission under-girding the instruction of Eph.5:22-24. What does submission mean in the context of marriage? Could it just mean that we should not ask about who’s the boss in a marriage, but rather if we wanna argue, argue then about who can outdo each other to serve each other in the Spirit of Christ. Being filled with the secure power and love of Christ, joy of liberation from the pressure of carrying our guilt and sin, we are called to a higher calling in life. The calling to bear with another in love, to forgive, give support, ability to lose oneself for the sake of the other (Eph.4:1-3). You can’t take verse 22, "wives, submit yourselves to your husbands," and isolate it without considering the implications of verse 21 and rest of Ephesians. There is a deep connection here, tied to the submission of Christ’s life for the sake of building the church. It is the cross of Christ that ties it all together. Sacrificing for the sake of the good of another. No wonder God said - The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Gen.2:18 (NIV)
Here’s a story of submission: A story from Sports Illustrated. Oklahoma State Football Coach Bob Simmons, a Coach of the year, who brought a team that was mired in defeat back from the brink, to the place of respectability. But at age 49, his kidneys were failing. By the fall of 1997, his health took a turn for the worst, he needed a new kidney but the wait for a donor organ averaged 2 years. One afternoon in November 1997, Linda, his wife laid on her bed, praying for guidance. An answer came to her, she would give Bob one of her kidneys. Bob resisted, but Linda kept pushing the idea. She was suitable match. Being a registered nurse for 25 years, she knew that there is a risk that things could go wrong whenever surgery of any kind in involved. She wanted so much to keep Bob’s dream of coaching and of course her husband alive. Linda said this “I was trying to get him to understand this was a gift from God.” Bob finally gave in and on the morning of March 10, 1998 as both husband and wife were being prepped for the procedure, Linda reached over and told Bob everything would be fine. Her heart was “celebrating” she says, pumping wildly, “because I knew the miracle was at hand.” Six days after the surgery Bob returned to practice. But what struck outsiders was the sacrifice of Linda. It took months before she recovered. When Bob first addressed the team after the surgery, he couldn’t describe Linda’s act without breaking into tears.
What Linda did is a great example what it means to submit to your husband… so that another person feels cared for, loved, respected, valued, so that another could live and shine. It is this type of Christ-like sacrifice that does not mind becoming second-banana, the side-kick, the one behind the scenes, because of the security felt in the love of God and freedom experienced in the grace of God.
If there is no submission, a life such as Bob’s will be extinguished. Think about the four Canadian soldiers who died this past week in Afghanistan bombed by friendly fire , because they were willing to submit themselves that others could enjoy freedom, so that we can flourish!
A friend of mine encouraged his wife to be a lawyer, so for 3 years he sacrificed time and energy to baby-sit their two kids while the wife goes to law school, studies and do research at the university library. This spring she is newly minted lawyer. So wives don’t hide out, be all that God designed you to be as a partner not a competitor. And husbands, hear their longings and their dreams. Husbands be there for your wife. Be like Christ who is building the church, build up your wife. Encourage them to try out new ministries in church, spend time in prayer, help them to discover new things, be there when they cry and fail, and comfort and launch them to new things, new heights.
I trust that you are not hearing that wives who chose not to work outside the home are of any less value. They have a lot of work to do at work too…
If today u are hearing this, and you still feel scared, husband not too responsive, maybe even totally romantically challenged, remember this phrase borrowed from JFK “ask not what your husband can do for you, ask what you can do for your husband.” the woman whose identity is strong in Christ will approach her marriage with an attitude of partnership: "How can we submit and help and encourage and challenge each other so we’ll both become the people God made us to be?" Jill Briscoe said this: “The point of being married is to serve the Lord with your lives, together. Christian couples pool their talents, gifts, personalities, training, abilities, everything to show that "two are better than one" when it comes to serving the Lord and making the devil sorry.
Something’s wrong with putting all your energy into your marriage. All your energy is supposed to be going to service. A Marriage blossoms as both partners are outwardly focused. You develop a marriage without walls- where other people are invited in to be blessed by the energy and love of your teamwork.”
Application of Biblical Submission - How to be a great wife
1. Stay connected: Make one day non-negotiable – I think that’s why God made the Sabbath, remind us there is more than business, more than work in life. There is time to enjoy, to celebrate, to have fun, to laugh, to worship in the presence of God. That’s a reason why God instituted the Sabbath, to get us out of the cycle of the humdrum of life, submit as to the Lord one day, for one day out of seven we can get together connected to God, get out of the curse of work making a living, enjoy life together worship together, stay connected with one another, with church, serve together. There’s nothing like making one day a non-negotiable day to be together. Make an intentional effort wives to make a least one day special to say “husband you’re special”. All can learn from this. Get back that one special day in a week principle to work for you, make it special. You cannot submit to each other and know each other’s needs and dreams without staying connected. Stay connected to God and each other, will you?
2. Sweat the small stuff: Great wives are those who deal with daily annoying stuff that sometimes eat away at marriages with the love and grace of Jesus Christ. Maybe he watches too much TV. He does not help with the housework. Seething with anger over the small stuff, can do big damage in a hurry. Principle of submission seen in this Scripture in Romans 14:1 “Accept him who faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.” Context of Romans talking about kosher food vs. non-kosher food. Romans 14:20 “Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food (disputable matter).” Don’t destroy marriage which is a work of God over TV time or housework. Husbands, doing a little more housework, won’t kill ya, right? Love your wife, outdo her in service! Show her that you can sweat her small stuff too. I.e. submit to one another by sweating the small stuff, the disputable stuff! The small stuff that u face now may be miserable but if u can sweat it, it could be great for u. University of Chicago sociologist Linda J. Waite has found in her studies that 75% of couples who rated their marriages as miserable but stayed married were happy five years later. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Eph.4:26. Laugh with your husband over the small stuff.
3. Love your differences. Remember that opposites attract. Be happy about each other’s achievements. Marriage is not a competition to see who can be a breadwinner, it is a partnership that lets the other person shine in the best possible light. It is so much easier to submit when you appreciate your partner’s strengths and passion, be involved in letting it blossom so that others can benefit from your marriage. Appreciate the God-given gifts/talents your partner has, and if they have not blossomed yet, encourage it to come out. Great wives.
4. Grow in your ultimate security in Christ. Midst of cries of the baby, smell of soiled diapers, need for food preparation, balancing the work/home great wives do a lot, but don’t forget your prayer life, study of God’s word. Sharpen and stimulate inner spirit of submission to the Lord, or you will not be able to serve or submit. You will want your husband be the security you long for, you will manipulate him to be your saviour, which he cannot ultimately fulfill and feel disappointment, if you have felt that disappointment, don’t worry, let the pain of that disappointment now draw u to God, renew your life in the grace and love of Christ.
5. Submit in everything provided it is not against God’s will. The husband is supposed to love you wives as Christ loved the church. Christ will never command the church to sin, so submit as to the Lord, listen to God’s voice first.
So what’s your response today, what have you heard and learnt?
All (male or female) can learn to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”
- not just a principle for wives, for all!
- So sweat the small stuff, enjoy the different gifts and talents of each other, deepen your walk with Christ. Cuz if one is not secure in Christ, there will always be a demand on the other person to come through for us or manipulate to get our own way. Since no one likes to be bossed around, so submit out of the love of Jesus who patterned for us submission without dissatisfaction, without disintegration of His personhood, with fullness of love, with purpose - building up the other!
