April 14, 2002
Last week we began our current series on "Help For the Home" by laying down two statements upon which we agreed were necessary for helping our children become better examples of "salt and light" for our community:
1. Lack of respect is epidemic in our society.
2. We must do something about it!
It was duly mentioned that we cannot "create" a national trend. However, we are working on the same premise Jesus used - the trickle-upwards principle. That’s where you start - and continue "one-on-one" winning souls one at a time, until it changes the world.
Tony Evans, of The Urban Alternative, often mentions how if we can get one father to be faithful to his wife and children, it begins to affect other families in the community. As other families are faithful and stand straight, it changes the community, which affects surrounding communities. As those communities stand straighter it affects whole states, which in turn will affect this country, which in turn will have a straightening effect on the whole world.
That’s trickle-up, as opposed to the early 1980’s trickle-down theory of "Reagan-omics". That’s where you give the money to the wealthy, who invest it in their businesses, which creates more jobs and more money so the little guy spends more, and the circle depends on healthy businesses.
Trickle-up starts with the little guy doing right, and society leveling on him. It starts with respect, taught and required in the home, and at church.
The Jesus Model
Last week we started with a definition of respect. The dictionary told us you can respect someone or a principle by admiration. You look at it, evaluate it and think about it as a good thing. It goes no further than data stored on your mental hard drive. The second definition of respect was hands-on. It is deference. That means you do more than admire respect, you defer or obey the principle; you put it into practice in your life. James, the half-brother of Jesus, and the pastor at Jerusalem in the first century church put it this way:
But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.
James 1:22 (KJV)
We taught our children to say "yes sir" and "no ma’am". When they say that because they love us, and are following our Biblical role as parents it is respect. When they say it because they might get backhanded if they don’t - that isn’t respect.
This brings us to the thesis for all four messages - the over-arching principle of teaching respect in the home. Here is how we can successfully teach our children to have respect for God - we must accept and live by God’s purpose - no other gods before Him. Here is our goal, our purpose statement:
We must raise our children in a Christian atmosphere, so they become Christians who mature in grace and knowledge, and therefore contribute to changing this world in accordance with God’s will.
Part One dealt with teaching our children to respect God. This morning we deal with teaching our children to respect other people. The second half of the Ten Commandments shows how God communicated that in the early calling of His special people, the Nation of Israel:
12Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. 13Thou shalt not kill. 14Thou shalt not commit adultery. 15Thou shalt not steal. 16Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. 17Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s. Exodus 20:12 - 17 (KJV)
The Biblical Basis for Respect
Aside from the Ten Commandments (which ought to be enough), there are at least three other reasons to teach and require our children to respect others.
1. The Example of God’s Reaction to Cain’s Disrespect
Hopefully you are familiar with the story of Adam and Eve’s first sons. Cain, in a fit of rage and rebellion, killed his brother, the first murder in human history. Genesis carries the outcome of the trial…
9And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper? 10And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground. 11And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s blood from thy hand; Genesis 4:9 - 12 (KJV)
God was not happy, or passive about Cain’s disrespect of his brother Abel. (To say Cain was disrespectful when he took a club and beat him to death is a mild understatement - however, that is the underlying principle…disrespect for life.)
God held Cain responsible and punished him. In that way, God demonstrated respect for the life of Abel (and you and me).
II. The Example of God’s Respect for all Humans
Though the LORD be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off. Psalm 138:6 (KJV)
For there is no respect of persons with God. Romans 2:11 (KJV)
In both passages, the word respect carries the meaning of noticing a difference. In other words, God treats everyone equally. When a person obeys God he is blessed; when disobedient there is judgment. He respects our right to obey or disobey; He also reserves His right to exact punishment when we exercise our stupidity in disobedience.
III. The Promises of God’s Covenant
Have respect unto the covenant: for the dark places of the earth are full of the habitations of cruelty. Psalm 74:20 (KJV)
The word is na’bat in Hebrew - and it means to scan that is, look intently at; by implication to regard with pleasure, favor or care. The thought here is that it is a difficult life in the real world. The dark places of the earth are full of scary things, things that can eat your lunch!
God has promised us anything but an easy way of it, but He has promised a way through this life. When we pay attention to His way, His promises in the covenant will see us through. Have you ever been to the funeral of a lost person - someone who, for all purposes never had any use for God? Usually there are many more attending the service just like the one lying in the casket. Have you seen the futility, the hopelessness in the eyes? Have you seen the habitations of cruelty all over their faces?
Without the covenant protection of the Lord we have no hope. That is why we must teach respect to our children.
We understand the theological or Biblical basis for teaching and requiring respect - what about the practical side…how do we go about the nuts and bolts of doing this as parents and grandparents?
Practical Advice for Teaching and Requiring Our Children to Respect Other People
There are so many ways to express this; we cannot hope to cover all the possibilities - however there are just two basic bits of advice, which boil down to phrases like…
Talk the talk and walk the walk
Lip and Life
Today, I will use the two phrases, Speak It…and Show It. That is, we are to speak it, train our children intentionally with serious study, practical exercises and all sorts of aids to help them get it. Then we are to also Show it, making our lives an example of respect for others.
We are to Speak It
Training requires more than a little creativity these days. Children are quick. They know more, and they know it at an earlier age, and they learn it more quickly than you did growing up. Teaching your children with intentionality how to behave with respect is going to take some work.
Don’t expect them to get it just because you have it in your head. I made that mistake on a number of occasions with my children. Remember, society is not hinged on respect anymore. Just watch Jerry Springer - the cool thing these days is in-your-face! If you are going to combat that thinking successfully you will have to spell it out for your children. If you are going to have a chance at teaching and requiring respect, you must be ready to be pro-active. Consider these phrases:
A stitch in time saves nine…
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Don’t bother closing the barn door after the horse is out.
What are those tired old maxims saying? It is easier to teach a young child the right way, than to rehabilitate one who has learned all the wrong ways.
Carrie and Shannon have two dogs. Annie is 7, Magnum is 2. They are rotten to the core! It wasn’t always that way. Annie was our dog first. When Carrie moved out she took the hound with her. Magnum is Shannon’s dog. The dogs became step-dogs when their owners married.
Magnum has not taught Annie how to be good-natured and non-aggressive. But…Annie has taught Magnum to beg at the table. (Honestly, I don’t know where she got it.) After years of begging, it is impossible to break Annie of that habit….and if left unchecked, it will only be a little longer before Magnum masters the art. I must say, Shannon is working at it, but Magnum’s "GrandNana" ain’t helping any!
Now, at the risk of comparing children to dogs, there are some principles that apply - and this is one of them…Get to them young…speak it often…never stop!
What do you "speak"? I thought you’d never ask.
You speak God’s Word. You teach the principles of respect as we’ve already outlined (God’s reaction to Cain, God’s Example of respecting all, and God’s covenant). You show them why it is right to obey God and respect others. You show them why it is good to obey God and respect others.
You speak the Laws of the Harvest
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth,
that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7 (KJV)
1. You always reap what you sow. Sow disrespect and it comes back.
2. You always reap later than you sow. Sow now, harvest some day.
3. You always reap more than you sow. Sow a kernel, reap a bundle.
You speak the practical ways this will be observed in your family.
" When someone else is speaking (especially an adult) you will wait.
(If you cannot wait, you do not deserve to be heard either)
" When speaking to an adult use respect, make eye contact and listen.
(Adults deserve respect from children….period. If you do not respect an adult, you are wrong, and will apologize)
" When something is offered, add a thank you to the yes or no.
" You will be quiet and listen to the sermon.
" You will not lie, that is disrespectful.
" You will not take something that isn’t yours. Stealing is big disrespect.
" Etc……
Now, that is not an exhaustive list (we only have until noon). But, you must speak these things, be pro-active in your training, and do it consistently. That means you must be alert to consistently teach these things.
For instance, if you are talking to another adult after worship today and a child comes up and begins to interrupt the conversation, follow-through - if you let it slip, you have lost a teachable moment.
If your child makes a lot of noise, or creates a disturbance during a worship service, stop him or her. Do not assume that the inappropriate, disrespectful behavior of a child is cute or that other adults will understand. It is not cute, it is disrespectful. Adults around you are probably thinking about where else they can sit in the next worship service. Some would say I’m being too picky or harsh. But, think - When I was young I was carried out of a few services and taught about respect. Weren’t you? Did it not change your behavior?
Children need strong parents that will follow through. Craig Barnes is pastor of National Presbyterian Church in Washington, D.C. Note his testimony:
When I was a child, my minister father brought home a 12-year-old boy named Roger, whose parents had died from a drug overdose. There was no one to care for Roger, so my folks decided they’d just raise him as if he were one of their own sons.
At first it was quite difficult for Roger to adjust to his new home-an environment free of heroine-addicted adults! Every day, several times a day, I heard my parents saying to Roger:
"No, no. That’s not how we behave in this family."
"No, no. You don’t have to scream or fight or hurt other people to get what you want."
"No, no, Roger, we expect you to show respect in this family." And in time Roger began to change.
Now, did Roger have to make all those changes in order to become a part of the family? No. He was made a part of the family simply by the grace of my father. But did he then have to do a lot of hard work because he was in the family? You bet he did. It was tough for him to change, and he had to work at it. But he was motivated by gratitude for the incredible love he had received.
Do you have a lot of hard work to do now that the Spirit has adopted you into God’s family? Certainly. But not in order to become a son or a daughter of the heavenly Father. No, you make those changes because you are a son or daughter. And every time you start to revert back to the old addictions to sin, the Holy Spirit will say to you, "No, no. That’s not how we act in this family."
(Craig Barnes, National Presbyterian Church, Washington, D.C.; "The Blessed Trinity", 5-30-99)
A very good example was shared in our children and youth leader’s meeting a few weeks ago. Polly Hill teaches in our younger children’s class. It was shared that every year during the first Sunday of the new year, Polly takes the time to review with the children what behavior is acceptable in her classroom. She goes over the rules slowly, step-by-step, and there is very rarely a behavioral problem. That, my beloved friends, is speaking it!
That’s the bottom-line when it comes to "speaking" the teaching and requiring of respect in the home and church - or anywhere.
" It takes time;
" it takes effort and awareness;
" it takes some embarrassing moments and it takes courage -
" but it takes the strength away from Satan’s hold on a child to be taught respect.
We are to speak it, and…
We are to Show It
This final part of the message requires a disclaimer - as much for my sake as yours. In order to demonstrate this part of the message I must mention a number of offenses, negatives to good parental instruction. Some of you here today may be guilty of some of these. None of it is intended toward any individuals.
On the other hand, if you see yourself in any of the following illustrations, it may be that the Lord is speaking to your heart about rethinking your witness.
There are two principles which guide Walking the Walk, or being a good example. They are:
#1. Witness is stronger than Words.
I understand the things I see better than that which I only hear. It is a proven fact that you will remember only about 3% of what I say today if we use no visual aids. If we used pictures your retention would go up to around 10%.
One reason Sandy always uses a visual aid for the Children’s moments is for understanding. A stinky old paint rag offered as a shirt to wear creates a wonderful image that a child or adult will have no problem understanding. Relate that to wearing bad behavior, and they get the idea that bad behavior stinks!
Children learn better than adults, but they don’t learn differently. What you do will shout so loudly in a child’s ears, he will not be able to hear what you say.
Another principle about walking the walk:
#2. Witness is longer than Words.
My daughters and son can tell me things about my behavior that they witnessed as kids which I have long forgotten (some good, some better left in the past). Most of it centers on how I treated other people - my example.
TV star Tim Allen told a writer about being an example:
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate …. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
( Tim Allen, when asked by TV Guide what makes a perfect dad. Marriage Partnership, Vol. 12, no. 4.)
I love the cartoon where the pastor’s wife lets out the dog: "Remember, Beauregard, you’re the pastor’s dog; all the other dogs will be watching you."
( Cartoonist Rob Suggs in Leadership, Vol. 8, no. 2.)
Another lady talked about the worship service at her church. As our pastor’s sermon stretched on, my daughter grew impatient and started to talk. "Shh," I whispered. "I want to hear the sermon." Later that week, we saw our pastor while shopping. We exchanged greetings, and as we walked away, I asked my daughter, "Do you know who that was?" "Sure," she replied. "That was the Sermon."
(Helen Siml, Wheaton, IL. "Heart to Heart," Today’s Christian Woman.)
Well, that’s true. We are the sermons. Our kids are "listening" to us all the time…just not to our words.
Let me present just a few of the negative witness scenarios. And then tell you about a church where it got out of hand. These are presented in a "cause and effect" pattern. Imagine these through a child’s eyes:
A Teacher (Sunday School or Public School) arrives late for every class. A child learns you don’t have to pay attention to schedules or anyone else’s needs - leaders are all about being in charge, not serving.
A Pastor does nothing but condemn everything…preaches on Hell every week and seems genuinely glad that half the congregation might wind up there. A child learns there’s no sense in going to church. It doesn’t do any good - everybody’s bad, and the preacher doesn’t like me anyway!
A church member complains each week the temperature is too hot or too cold and if they don’t change it to suit him, he’ll just find him another church. A child learns that the only person in the room that needs to be heard is me. I am number one!
The service is over, twenty groups of friends gather on the front steps of the church. Half light up their cigarettes. The non-smokers complain to each other about walking through a cloud of smoke. A child learns it is alright to talk behind someone’s back about their habits - and as long as you can get a few others to agree with you, it’s not gossip. They also learn if something you do offends someone else you don’t have to do anything about it as long as it is legally your right. A child learns to divide.
These may or may not be happening in our church. If not, good! If they are, they are probably not the only things that we could do better on. There was a church that had plenty of bad witness issues - adultery, incest, arrogance, believers tearing each other up in the courts, envy, divided on leadership - about the worst fussing and feuding church you ever heard about.
The kids in that church learned just by observation that anything goes! Anything goes, as long as I can get ahead, get pleased, and get away with it. And for the last two thousand years not many churches have been named Corinth.
You can live like that, but you’ll not teach your children to respect others. God would not be pleased. Or you can be like Timothy’s mother - taught him the Scriptures early, lived it out, hosting the church in her living room. Your call.
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