Good morning! And welcome to WestShore Community Church, on this our first-ever Friendship Sunday. It’s always good to see our members and regular attenders, but this week we’re thrilled to have with us so many friends, both new and old. It reminds us that many of the people Jesus ministered to were brought to him by their friends. Either that, or the friend brought Jesus to the person in need. And I’m sure that’s true of most of us here today. We are here because someone, at some time, invited us. Invited us to come to church, invited us to attend a Bible study, or invited us to place our faith and trust in Christ. And we said, "yes". That’s the power of the invitation. Friends bringing friends to see and experience something good that they have found. Because Christianity is an inviting faith, an open and welcoming faith. It’s not an exclusive club. You don’t have to be from any particular ethnic background, you don’t have to be wealthy, or a member of the social elite, you don’t need a PhD, or a CPA, or an MBA from MIT. All you need is an invitation.
President Calvin Coolidge was nicknamed "Silent Cal" for his habit of saying as little as possible. On one occasion, he attended church without his wife. When he got home, she asked him what the sermon was about. Coolidge answered that it was about sin. His wife pressed him further. "What did the minister have to say about sin ?" And Coolidge replied "He’s against it." Well, my topic this morning is "Friendship," and I’m going out on a limb to say that I’m for it. That’s not likely to cause any controversy, is it? Everyone is in favor of friendship, as least theoretically. People sing songs about it, write poems about it. We even named a city after it – ”Philadelphia, City of Brotherly Love". When Senators stand up to give a speech in Congress, they always refer to one another as "My good friend, Senator so-and-so," even when they’re getting ready to call their "good friend" a complete idiot. We love stories about friendship, especially when it involves loyalty under pressure. And often, movies which on the surface are about something else – war, or sports, or adventure – really turn out to be about friendship. Such as the relationship between Danny Glover and Mel Gibson in the "Lethal Weapon" cop movies. Or the bond between the hobbits in "Lord of the Rings." Even the animated film "Ice Age" is really about an unlikely friendship between a mammoth, a sloth, and a sabre-tooth tiger. And what’s the most popular program on television? "Friends," with it’s hit theme song, "I’ll Be There For You." Please note that I’m not recommending all these shows, I’m just making a point: that friendship is something we regard highly; something we all find desirable and attractive. And that’s reflected in our popular culture.
If that’s true, then why are we so lonely? Why do we have so few close friends, people we can really talk to, people we can trust, people we can count on for help and support when we need it? Why is it that, while some people seem to make friends effortlessly, others have very few people they can really open up to, can share their heart with, can relax and be themselves with. Very few with whom they can be unguarded and un-self-conscious, confident that they will be accepted, warts and all.
The author Lee Strobel relates this story(1): A few years ago, a newspaper columnist named Marla Paul published a column (2) in which she revealed her frustration over her lack of friendships. "The loneliness saddens me," she wrote. "How did it happen that I could be forty-two years old and not have enough friends?" She goes on, "I think there are women out there who don’t know how lonely they are. It’s easy enough to fill up the day with work and family. But no matter how much I enjoy my job and love my husband and child, they are not enough." When this column appeared, letters poured in from housewives, executives, and university professors saying, "I’ve had the exact same experience." One person said, "I’ve often felt that I’m standing outside looking through the window of a party to which I was not invited." As Marla later wrote (3), "They wanted to share their frustration and estrangement. All were tremendously relieved to discover they weren’t the only ones."
And it’s not only women who have this problem. If anything, men have more difficulty forming and maintaining friendships. Why? Because it’s hard! It demands intentional, sustained effort. It requires that we make sacrifices, and take risks, and expend resources. It can be messy, and painful, and embarrassing, and inconvenient. But perhaps the most powerful thing holding us back is fear.
Because relationships involve vulnerability. We’re afraid they’ll expect too much, or they’ll take advantage of us, or they’ll betray us. And they well might. The more deeply people know you, the more ammunition they’ll have if they ever turn against you. There are few things more painful and disheartening than betrayal by a close friend. In the Psalms, King David writes about this experience:
"Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me. . . If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God." – Psalm 41:9, 55:12-14
We know what he’s talking about, don’t we? The feelings of disappointment, and sadness, and loss when a friend becomes an enemy can be almost unbearable. And the natural reaction when this happens is to pull back, to retreat to the safety of superficial conversations and limited personal contact. To protect ourselves against further pain by guarding our emotions, not letting ourselves care too much or reveal too much. Paul Simon put those feelings into words in his song, "I Am a Rock":
I’ve built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain
I am a rock. I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.
A rock feels no pain. An island never cries. But it never rejoices, either, or feels happiness, or contentment, or love. Instinctively, we know that’s the way of death, not life.
Forming friendships is also made more difficult by the hectic pace of the world we live in, a world that tends to force us apart, rather than draw us together. We’re running from work, to soccer practice, to piano lessons, to grocery shopping, to home – where we eat microwave dinners, and then log onto the computer to do the work we didn’t get finished at the office. We don’t know our neighbors; our relatives live halfway across the country; and at night everyone retreats to their castle and pulls up the drawbridge. Put all this together, and you can understand why we often feel so isolated and alone.
This morning, I want to do two things. I want to persuade you that, in spite of all the difficulties, building friendships is worth the cost. And then I’m going to give you some principles from the Scripture that will help you do that. First of all, we need friends because they support and strengthen us. They give us an emotional buffer against the bumps and bruises of life. And they help us to hold on when the bottom really falls out. As we read in Ecclesiastes chapter four,
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
We need friends to help us when we fall. And we all fall. No matter how self-reliant, and competent, and capable you may be, you are not invulnerable. You are not all-knowing, you are not all-powerful. Sooner or later, something is going to knock you down. It could be an unexpected career setback. A year ago, if you were a partner at Arthur Andersen, you had the world by the tail. And then came Enron and the carefully laid plans of thousands of innocent people got blown out of the water.
Or it could be a debilitating health problem. Take Rush Limbaugh, the conservative radio commentator. Wealthy and famous, with 22 million weekly listeners. Then, early last year, with no warning whatsoever, his hearing started to fail, and within a very short time he was completely deaf, a victim of auto-immune inner ear disease. You can imagine how devastating that would be for someone who makes his living talking to people on the radio. Thankfully, he has now received an implant which has restored much of his hearing, but the initial shock must have been terrible.
All kinds of things can happen. You may lose your job. You may be the victim of a crime. You may get sued. You may have family problems. You may be the object of slander or vicious gossip. There are a thousand and one things that can go wrong, and there’s no way you can protect yourself from all of them. The only guarantee is that eventually, something is going to come into your life that will rock you to the core. And if you’re alone – emotionally and relationally – then you are going to be in serious trouble. God didn’t intend for us to face the struggles and stresses of life by ourselves. He didn’t design us for isolation. You need friends to walk with you through the darkness, when you don’t understand what’s happening and you can’t see a way out. You need friends to encourage you, and help you, and remind you of God’s goodness and faithfulness. You need people to share your joys and sorrows. You need people to put you back on your feet when life has knocked you down.
A story is told of Jackie Robinson, the first African-American to play major league baseball. While breaking baseball’s "color barrier," he faced jeering crowds in every stadium. While playing one day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error. His own fans began to ridicule him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while the fans jeered. Then shortstop "Pee Wee" Reese came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Jackie Robinson and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. Robinson later said that arm around his shoulder saved his career.
Often, it’s not the big, life-changing tragedies that are most destructive, but the daily disappointments and minor setbacks that accumulate over time and eventually drive us to despair. That’s why we need friends all the time, and not just when there’s an ambulance in the driveway.
The second reason you need friends is the flip side of the first. You need friends to serve and support you in your time of need (in other words, all the time). But you also need friends so you’ll have someone to serve. Our Lord, Jesus Christ, modeled for us the kind of life that pleases God, the kind of life that draws us close to God, and that’s a life of humility and service. But usually, people will not allow you to serve them in any significant way unless they trust you. And in order for that trust to develop, they have to know you. So you need to develop friendships in order to have people to serve, so that you can grow in Christian maturity. Because the one thing which you cannot develop in isolation is character. You can grow in knowledge through reading; you can fellowship with God through prayer; but to develop Christlike character, you need interaction with people. As Paul writes:
"It was [Christ] who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ." – Ephesians 4:11-13
How are we "built up" spiritually? How do we reach unity? How do we become mature? Through "works of service". And in order to do works of service, you must first have someone to serve. Let me put it another way. We need friends, because it’s in serving them that we are able to serve Christ. Listen to what he tells us:
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ’Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. . . I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ " – Matthew 25:31-40
It’s very straightforward. In order to serve Christ, you need to be serving people. And in order to serve people, you have to get close to them, so that they’ll trust you enough to reveal their needs, and then allow you to meet those needs. You simply cannot obey commands like these without taking the time and effort to develop relationships:
"Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." – Galatians 6:2
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
– Philippians 2:4
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11
How can you carry someone’s burdens, if you don’t know them well enough to understand what their burdens are? How can you put someone else’s interests ahead of your own if you don’t know what those interests are? How can you encourage someone unless you know what’s discouraging them? How can you build them up unless you know what’s tearing them down? You can’t. You can’t consistently do any of these things without a foundation of friendship. You won’t know how, and they won’t let you.
So if friendship is so important in the Christian life, how do we do it? How do we build and maintain friendships with one another? Good question. And of course, this is more art than science. There’s no mathematical formula, no step-by-step process for constructing a friendship. But I’m going to pick four principles that, in my view, are essential.
First, seek to serve rather than to be served. If you want to be a friend to someone, find a way to meet their need.
James S. Hewett, a Presbyterian minister, tells of a neighbor he had who was trying to put a TV antenna on his roof, but was having a terrible time. Hewett decided to give him a hand. He went over and took with him his best tools and soon had the antenna up. His neighbor asked him what he made with such fancy tools. Hewett replied, “Friends, mostly.”
Now, if I were to use my tools and my handyman skills to serve my neighbors, I would probably make more enemies than friends. It has to be a need that you are actually able to meet. The important thing is to seek out opportunities, because by and large, people are not going to ask for help. You need to keep your eyes and ears open for indications of a need, and then offer your help. Now, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do this. Here’s the wrong way: "Betty, you seem overwhelmed with those kids of yours. Would you like me to come over sometime and help out?" Why is that wrong? First, you’ve implicitly criticized her handling of the children, so that accepting your offer would be an admission of bad parenting. Second, you’re making her state the request. And third, it’s too vague. What are you offering to do with the kinds? Or to them? She doesn’t know. Here’s a better way: "Betty, it sounds like you’ve got a full schedule this week. I’d love to help out. Could I come over for a couple of hours on Wednesday or Thursday afternoon and babysit while you run errands?" That’s better, because it’s specific, it only requires a "yes" or "no", and it identifies her full schedule as the cause of the need, rather than her inability to cope with her children.
Second key to building friendships: Be generous with encouragement and praise, and be extremely stingy with criticism. Think twice before uttering any sentence that begins with, "I’m only saying this because I care about you . . . " It’s the job of the Holy Spirit to convict them of sin and change their heart, so let Him do it, in His own way. In the meantime, whenever possible, overlook people’s flaws and failures. They’re probably already aware of them. Pray that God would continue the process of sanctification in their life; pray that God would correct all the things that need correcting; but pray silently. Keep your mouth shut. Just love them and accept them. Is this dishonest? Not at all. You’re not affirming all their choices or all their views; you’re affirming them. As Proverbs tells us,
"It is foolish to belittle a neighbor; a person with good sense remains silent." – Proverbs 11:12 (NLT)
"Disregarding another person’s faults preserves love; telling about them separates close friends." – Proverbs 17:9 (NLT)
It should go without saying that you aren’t gossiping to others about your friends’ sins and weaknesses, either. Your goal should be to protect your friends’ reputation, not undermine it. There is nothing more corrosive to trust than hearing through a third party that someone you considered a friend has been criticizing you behind your back. If there is something absolutely must be addressed, something that cannot be overlooked, then do as Paul instructs. Speak to them, not to others, and speak openly and honestly:
"An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." – Proverbs 27:5-6 (NLT)
"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." - Galatians 6:1
If you feel it necessary to confront someone about their sin, it must be with love and humility, rather than an attitude of spiritual superiority and condemnation. Remember that, even as you are speaking to them of their fault, you are just as much a sinner as they are, and are subject to the very same temptations. For the same reason, when a friend sins against you, whether or not you consider it important enough to say anything about, your first response must be one of forgiveness. Then, if you do mention it, you can do so with patience and kindness, rather than bitterness and anger.
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." – Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)
Third, and finally, always give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best motives you possibly can. And stick by them, even when they are wrong. Not to affirm or support what they have done, but to affirm and support them. Be faithful, even when it would be easier to cut and run.
"A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need." – Proverbs 17:17
If you do these three things, you will be well on your way to building strong, lasting friendships. Seek to serve, rather than to be served; be generous with praise and stingy with criticism; and be loyal – stick with them through thick and thin.
In closing, I’d like to invite you to turn your attention toward Christ, because he is the one who supplies the strength to do all the things we’ve been talking about. Through His Spirit, he gives us courage to overcome our fears and choose relationship over isolation. He gives us the power to serve unselfishly, to forgive unconditionally, and to love faithfully. Not only that, but He is Himself the supreme example of friendship, because He did all these things for us, and continues to do them, and will continue to do them, throughout eternity. He’s the greatest friend we could ever have. He gave his life in order that our relationship with God, broken by sin, might be restored, so that we might enjoy friendship and fellowship with Him throughout eternity. I encourage each person here: put your trust in Christ. Come to him. Confess your sin; receive his forgiveness. Receive him as your savior and lord, now and forever.
Notes:
1. Lee Strobel, "God’s Outrageous Claims," pp. 118-119
2. Marla Paul, "Help Wanted: Everyone Has Time For Everything – Except Making Friends," Chicago Tribune, 5/21/95
3. Marla Paul, "Lonely? Don’t Feel Like the Lone Ranger," Chicago Tribune, 8/20/95
(For an .rtf file of this and other sermons, see www.journeychurchonline.org/messages.htm)
