Peace @ Home, Resolving family conflict, Live @ Peace series
Colossians 3:13-21
Eric A. Snyder, Minister.,, Farwell Church of Christ
April 14, 2002
A minister was finishing up a series on marriage. At the end of the
service he was giving out small wooden crosses to each married couple. He said, "Place this cross in the room in which you fight the most and you will be reminded of God’s commands and you won’t argue as much."
One woman came up after the service and said, "You’d better give me five."
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I recently heard a story about the mom & dad with a son who was a freshman in college. He blew off his freshman year. He wasn’t very responsible, didn’t make good grades, squandered his money, & finally came back home. His parents told him, “If you go back to school you’ll have to pay your own way.”
So he had to work that summer & not go on the family vacation. That was part of his punishment. The family went to Greece that year & the mom sent him a postcard, “Dear Son,” she wrote. “Today we stood on the mountains where ancient Spartan women sacrificed their defective children. Wish you were here.”
A little girl’s Prayer: A little girl was being punished by eating alone in the corner of the dining room. The family paid no attention to her until they heard her pray: “I thank Thee, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”
Do any of these scenario’s describe your life?
We’re in a series about living at peace. This week we are looking at difficult task of living at peace with our families.
The truth is we all speak different languages. Men think and speak one way and women think and speak another, and children and kids speak and think in other ways.
You know the family unit is the oldest small group in the history of the world. It is a group where each person knows a great deal about others in the group. Some of you know exactly what buttons to push to make your parents angry and some of you know exactly how to ask for something that you want.
The family is the ultimate small group you know a lot about each other. You know what people don’t like and what they do like. You have endured confined living space. You have rode together in the same car through a couple of states. Some of you share bedrooms. You all share the same bathrooms, breakfast tables and budget. You see each other every day and are quite accustomed to life with each other.
Any time a group comes together such as this, personalities emerge and conflict in inevitable. If you are in a family you can be assured that there will be times when feelings are hurt, fights are started and grievances are aired.
It’s no secret that husbands and wives fight, we’re not exactly writing fictional scenarios, brothers and sisters have conflict. Sometimes parents and children have conflicts.
“As far as it depends on you’ live at peace with everyone”
Well doesn’t it make sense that after making peace with God we learn how to make peace with our families?
I have done a number of funerals in the past year and the one thing that I can not get over in the number of grievances that have been aired to me during a funeral service.
I have witnessed first hand family members who would not speak for months and hold bitterness and grudges. People who separated themselves from their families and then regretted not making peace while their family was alive.
“Family quarrels are bitter things. They don’t go according to any rules. They’re not like aches or wounds; they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there’s not enough material.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Bible is clear about how to live peacefully as a family. There are numerous texts that deal with family. Today we are looking at the Book of Colossians Chapter 3 we will be looking at vs. 13-21.
Theses texts are separated but they really fit together. Paul is addressing how to treat other people then he talks specifically about how to deal with certain aspects of family life. So if you have your bibles we are in
Colossians 3: 13-21
13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Pray
One of the Key verses in this text is vs. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.
There’s the command again to live @ peace. So the question we are asking today is: what do I have to do to have peace in my household?
1. Set Christ as the cornerstone for your family relationships
Jesus is the starting point for building your family relationships. Without him every relationship in your family will eventually break down on some level.
I was speaking with a family a couple of weeks ago, they had been married for almost 40 years. They admitted to me that they had not centered their family relationships around Jesus, they thought they had a great family but now 40 years later the friction that comes from building on something unstable is beginning to wreak havoc.
Jesus is the cornerstone and you may raise your family without him but there will be a day when an improper foundation shows an improper relationship.
The Bible says start your kids off with God when they are young.
Jesus told a story about a man who built his house on some sand and as time went on and the storms of life came the house was completely destroyed.
The parable is not about building materials Jesus was saying you can do 1 of 2 things. You can build your life, your family, your friends, you can build it all on shallow and empty promises or you can stake your life on the promises of God. To the person who builds on the stable ground. When the struggles, temptations and storms of life come and destroy everything else around you, if you are grounded in Jesus your house will remain in tact.
Even if your kids are making great grades and your spouse is doing well at work, even if your family life is great right now the question is: what’s underneath? What is your marriage built on? What are your parenting skills built on?
Then the author of this text gives us some clear unmistakable advice.
a. Forgive one another
At a convention with their wives, two businessmen who had been roommates in college crossed paths. They sat in the lobby all night talking. They knew they would be in trouble with their wives. The next day they happened to see each other. "What did your wife think?"
"I walked in the door and my wife got historical."
"Don’t you mean hysterical?"
"No, historical. She told me everything I ever did wrong."
Forgiveness is the heart of family relationships. In order to keep the family relationships ion tact we must learn to forgive one another. It does not mean that we don’t hurt but we do need to do our best to heal those hurts.
A few weeks ago I read that the divorce rate for children with disabilities in this country is 92% and the rate is even higher if the child dies.
One reason for this is because each parent tends to blame the other, emotions are tense and the stakes are high. And the truth is it’s not either parent’s fault but the point is this.
If we blame each other for something that is not their fault, how often do we keep track of the wrongs our families do to us? We all mess up in our families, we don’t listen or we miss a ball game we do something that hurts someone. It happens, especially in families. You could turn on the radio right now and hear a song about someone who didn’t treat their family right. But we don’t have to listen to music to find that truth we have live it. Forgive one another.
b. Show thanks to God
Someone once asked “why should I thank God for my family?”
The answer is: Can you imagine what your life would be like without them?
You might even think yeah it would be so much better. The truth is you could have it worse. If you don’t live in an abusive situation consider yourself loved. If you have been disciplined remember who cares for you. If you are free to enjoy life and learn you should consider yourself blessed.
Parents get to pick each other so mom’s and dad’s thank God that your mate also wanted to have you as their family. For you children be thankful for God giving you parents who will take care of you.
c. Grow spiritually together
One thing that the Bible is clear about is that a family should also have a spiritual purpose in life. Parents teach your kids about God, help them find their reason for existence.
Deuteronomy 6:6 and 7 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
We are doing our best to bring a youth minister on staff so that we can better help young people find God’s direction for their lives. But it’s not just one person’s job to teach our children about Jesus.
The Bible says it starts at home. Impress these truths on your children, talk about them.
One of my early childhood memories that I believed help shape who I am today was that my father would read a bible story to me and we would pray before I went to bed. And as I grew my parents encouraged me to go to things like statewide conventions and weeks of camp. They helped me gain interest in youth group. Adding a youth minister will never replace biblical parenting, we do hope that it can be an added supplement to help our children grow up knowing who god is and what he desired to do in their lives.
Spiritual development is not just for children, Husbands and wives need time to spend together in prayer and bible study as well. A key element in making God a cornerstone of your family life is to have time when the whole family relates together and to god in a spiritual way.
2. Become subject to one another
What this text is about, is being respectful to each other
Look at the 4 people targeted in Col 3: 18-21
Husbands love your wife
Wife submit
Fathers don’t make em bitter
Kids obey
Here’s why that verse makes us uncomfortable
1. Generally wives do not submit easily or naturally
2. Children all have times when parental obedience is a struggle
3. Men don’t want more than 1 command
It’s true: If my wife asks me to take the trash out it gets done
If she asks me to do 2 things I forget one of them
But the heart of this text is saying “be subject to each other”.
3 types of Family Currency
We all have currency, some reward that makes life better and helps us do what we want. I believe that there is an infinite number of currencies in any relationship. But the most common ones for a healthy relationship are universal. We all use some similar currency in our families. And like Gold, Platinum and Silver are the most valuable in society we have 3 that are very valuable to healthy family life. They are acceptance, respect and kindness.
When we start using these types of criteria for our family relationships we learn how to relate more smoothly.
a. Acceptance
We all have an internal desire to be accepted. It’s born into us a desire to fit in and be around people like us. Well believe it or not, like it or not the people who are most like you are your family.
Even today people are always telling me about the striking similarity of my father and me. When someone spends any time with us they can see that our personalities are similar and our sense of humor is almost an identical match.
The people who are most like you are your family and you may never admit it but that is the first place that we seek social acceptance.
We want to be accepted and acknowledged by those who are supposed to care about us. This is one of our deepest human needs. But there is another who accepts you as his family. If you will accept Him.
b. Respect
Another main family currency is the desire to be respected, to feel life your words have some importance.
If we would just take the time to turn off the TV, to put down the paper, to sit down and listen to our families without feeling like we have to interject. If we took time to listen do you think people in our families would feel like their voice mattered? Would that make for a better home environment?
c. Kindness
Our 3rd type of family currency is simple kindness. The kind where we keep our patience and don’t scream at each other. A type of kindness where we sacrifice and go out of our way to make those around us feel loved.
Jesus went out of his way to make us feel loved. He wanted to invite us into his family. And the bible tells us that if we identify with Jesus we are all children of God, and joint heirs with Christ.
I can remember living with my mother and sister in a small trailer and I remembered wanting my own room. I thought I deserved it because I was older.
Jesus could have had his own room. But he wanted you to be there. If you need to make a decision today come as we stand and sing.
