April 7, 2002
Recently the leaders of our children and youth programs met to brainstorm ways of helping the young people of our church become better examples of “salt and light” in our community. We talked about many things, and there was some exciting and very promising dialogue. One of those bits of dialogue revealed a consensus of belief among our leaders, about a common problem these days – respect (more accurately, the lack of respect for God we see in young people and even adults).
That meeting became the seed pod for this series of messages, which I have entitled, Help For the Home; Teaching Our Children Respect.
The topics we will cover during this three-part series are: Respect for God, Respect for Others, Respect for Myself, and Respect for Leaders.
[Skit: Let us begin with a picture –The setting is a church pew, just before worship]
I want to continue to paint this picture of the problem. Our skit did that quite well – and yet it only portrays the actions of people who exhibit little respect – in this instance respect for God; it does nothing to unfold the attitudes which underlie the problem. It is not enough for us to talk about what takes place – we must understand why if we are to do anything constructive about the lack of respect we see in people for the Lord.
Amazingly, the word respect, used in a manner that indicates how we are to act towards God, only appears a limited number of times in Scripture. Here is one:
At that day shall a man look to his Maker, and his eyes shall have respect to the Holy One of Israel. Isaiah 17:7 (KJV)
There is a New Testament companion verse that doesn’t use the word “respect” – but it paints the picture of respect in the final day:
11For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. Romans 14:11 (KJV)
Two Agreements
There are two realities we must lay down at the beginning of this series.
1.This “lack of respect” is happening and it is epidemic.
We shall begin with a definition of the word itself. My dictionary defines the word “respect” in six different ways. Only two of the ways apply in what we Americans generally consider “respect” in the treatment of people or objects.
Here are the abridged definitions of respect:
…admiration for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person…
….deference to a right, privilege, privileged position
The key to understanding all four parts of these messages is found in the first words of those definitions, admiration and deference. To admire something is far different than deferring to something;
The admirer of God is someone who stands off, checks things out, and says, Wow, He’s good! The one who defers to God comes near, bows-down and says I’ll obey!
Many people today are willing to admire (respect) God. Far fewer are willing to defer to God’s ways – to obey Him. This is the lack of respect for God we constantly see today. And, here is how God stated it in His Word:
1And God spake all these words, saying, 2I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. 3Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Exodus 20:1-3 (KJV)
13Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men: Isaiah 29:13 (KJV)
2.We need to do something about it.
You might ask, “Preacher, aren’t we doing that…this is America…don’t we teach respect in our homes, classrooms and churches?” If we ever did it, and if we are now doing it, the kids (and in some cases adults) aren’t getting it!
Last year’s inauguration speech by Governor Mike Easley illustrates the problem:
I’m asking school boards to implement a plan for character education to educate our students’ hearts as well as their minds. It is working well in many counties - we can expand character education to all counties in North Carolina….we’re going to put more discipline in our classrooms so that those students who want to learn will have every opportunity to learn. No parent should ever have to take their child out of public school because they fear for their child’s safety, and no teacher should ever be asked to tolerate disrespect….And we all like to believe that children are taught respect, responsibility, and character at home and in church - but the sad truth is; some are not. And, if they don’t learn it at the schoolhouse, the next stop is the courthouse.
The Governor feels the need to teach respect (in a moral sense) in the classrooms. He said he wants to educate children’s hearts. Now, I am not about to offer a political critique here, but, frankly, and with all due respect to the teachers of North Carolina, I want our public school teachers to teach my grandchildren reading, writing and ‘rithmetic. When it comes to morality, I want my grandkids to learn that at the knee of their Christian mother and father, and their saved Sunday School teacher or pastor.
Now, you may feel the same – or you may disagree, about whether the public schools should educate our kids’ hearts. The fact that the discussion is on the table at all indicates we have failed in our homes, and in our churches, to implant within our children the kind of moral decency and respect for God, other people, self and leaders for many decades. We have sown to the wind, and now we are reaping the whirlwind.
Every day children do more heinous things routinely in our society than I could have imagined growing up in the fifties. There is a coldness in the hearts of America’s children…and we mostly won’t even admit it! Instead, we invite right into our homes the makers of violent movies, morally-devoid video games and the occult – and we help them cultivate their satanic crop in the hearts and very souls of our own children. Shame!
New icons of this moral disaster are emerging all the time….Columbine, Wedgewood. Do you think these things just happen? In Jacksonville, Florida a few years ago a 12 year old boy who lived just a few miles from Elizabeth and me, killed Mattie, an 8 year old little girl who lived next door, by bludgeoning her with his little league baseball bat, because she wouldn’t be quiet while he was experimenting with torturing her. He hid her body under the bed mattress in his bedroom while the police and community sought for the missing girl.
Finally, his mother found the body. He was tried as an adult. As we watched the proceedings, the boy never flinched. The testimony of many acquaintances revealed he had a fascination with inflicting pain, largely fueled by violent video games.
Just before being sentenced to life, he read a statement of his “so-called” remorse – without the hint of a tear. The public was divided as to whether to punish or treat him with psychiatry. Accountability has lost its way again. No respect!
The shocking thing is that this is not shocking any more. We have become a nation, a world of Cains, casually and offhandedly ignoring God – We’re not (in any decent sense of the word) our brother’s keeper. What is wrong with us?
In a recent sermon, British pastor and author John Stott said,
You know what your own country is like. I’m a visitor, and I wouldn’t presume to speak about America. But I know what Great Britain is like. I know something about the growing dishonesty, corruption, immorality, violence, pornography, the diminishing respect for human life, and the increase in abortion.
Whose fault is it? Let me put it like this: if the house is dark at night, there is no sense in blaming the house. That’s what happens when the sun goes down. The question to ask is, "Where is the light?"
If meat goes bad, there is no sense in blaming the meat. That is what happens when the bacteria are allowed to breed unchecked. The question to ask is, "Where is the salt?"
If society becomes corrupt like a dark night or stinking fish, there’s no sense in blaming society. That’s what happens when fallen human society is left to itself and human evil is unrestrained and unchecked. The question to ask is "Where is the church?"
That is the answer to the question of what’s wrong with us? – the church has begged-off it’s responsibility of teaching respect for God, His Word, and His House. Now before you go castigating the educational ministry of this, or any church, think about your own involvement – how much do YOU help with training our children. Then ask what intentional moral teaching you, personally, as a parent, have done at home? To what standard of respect for God, others, self and leaders do you hold your children accountable? Do you model that standard daily, or do your children see something else? Enough for laying the guilt at our own feet…
Agreements in Place
(a. It is an epidemic of disrespect for the Lord)
(b. We need to do something about it) /
How do we change the outcome?
Now, Christian people everywhere agree that there ought to be respect for God now – not just in the final judgment. The question is, how shall we teach it, instill it in our children. After all, the Bible even says we are to do that. When Israel had enough of wandering in the desert, as a prelude to entering the Promised Land, Moses relayed this message of teaching respect for God to all the people…
6And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them
when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. 8And thou shalt bind them for a sign
upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. 9And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates…. 20And when thy son asketh thee in time to come, saying, What mean the testimonies, and the statutes, and the judgments, which the LORD our God hath commanded you? 21Then thou shalt say unto thy son, We were Pharaoh’s bondmen in Egypt; and the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand:…. 24And the LORD commanded us to do all these statutes, to fear the LORD our God, for our good always, that he might preserve us alive, as it is at this day. Deuteronomy 6.6-9, 20-21, 24 (KJV)
There’s the bottom line on respect; it is not to get in our face and make us miserable. God’s purpose for respect is that we might have a better life, a longer life, and a life filled with Him. Respect is good!
And God told us to constantly – every day, written out, spoken out, to remind ourselves and our children of God’s goodness and how we must respect him….not in the sense of admiration, but obedience.
And we calmly take the Ten Commandments off the walls, and tell our children we must not pray or mention God in the places of learning; we must not let God out of the churches. Keep him locked up.
How Are We Going to Change That?
Now, if you are with me so far…please note that my thesis for all four messages is the same. You don’t have to guess this morning – I will state it clearly. Here is how we can successfully teach our children to have respect for God – we must accept and live by God’s purpose – no other gods before Him. Here is our goal, our purpose statement:
We must raise our children in a Christian atmosphere,
so they become Christians who mature in grace and knowledge, and therefore contribute to changing this world in accordance with God’s will.
Here is God’s model, and our responsibility for raising children in a Christian atmosphere…keeping in focus the purpose of maturing them in grace and knowledge, so they become examples of respect towards the Father, other people, themselves and leaders. Two ways to teach respect for God to your children…
I. Respect Must Be Taught and Required At Home
I like Chuck Colson’s job-description for parents: Parents take small, self-centered monsters, who spend much of their time screaming defiantly and hurling peas on the carpet, and teach them to share, to wait their turn, to respect others’ property. These lessons translate into respect for others, self-restraint, obedience to law - in short, into the virtues of individual character that are vital to a society’s survival.
A book entitled Take Back Your Kids by William Doherty should be a must reading for parents. His list of guidelines to establishing a relationship of respect between parents and children is worthy of your time investment. This is a good start on principles to help teach and require respect at home. He says:
All parents long for a relationship in which their children respect them. Yet many parents who want to raise their children to be respectful and nonaggressive actually encourage disrespect and aggressiveness by their lack of vigorous response to their child’s behavior.
Their little monster (as Chuck Colson puts it) acts disrespectful and aggressive, and the parents don’t do anything about it! What he is saying, folks is that if you intend to have respect in your home (and for your kids to act respectful elsewhere) you had better stop paying attention to your own selfish stuff, and stay on your toes. You let a child disrespect another child or adult and you legitimize disrespect and will raise one obnoxious brat!
Notice Doherty’s list:
* Respect your child. Begin by treating your children with respect because they learn more by your actions toward them than by your verbal statements of values or expectations. Let them express their own opinions and tastes. Apologize to your child if your behavior is out of control.
* Expect respect. Parental respect partly must be earned, but mostly it is a right that comes with your humanity and is ordered in the Ten Commandments. Begin thinking of respect as a value in your family, because without it little else will go well.
* Tune your ears to the frequency of respect and disrespect. Too many parents fail to recognize the sound of the disrespect in exchanges with their children because they focus too much on the content of what is said. It’s best to tune out the content at these times and listen for the child’s tone of voice.
* Nip disrespectful behavior in the bud. Train your reflexes to act quickly, responding immediately, if possible. Say to your child, That was disrespectful. Don’t walk away and fume about being talked to that way.
* Cultivate a special tone of voice that communicates, You are in dangerous territory; you would be wise to back off immediately.
* Explain your new policy on respect to your children at a quiet time. Many children are unaware that they are being disrespectful and/or have been allowed to get away with it for years. Children are happier when they’re consistently respectful to the most important adults in their lives.
* Use time outs for noncooperation when your child will not cease the disrespectful behavior. Do not allow a nasty conversation to proceed for long: it’s not good for you, your child, or the relationship. Declare yourself on the disrespectful behavior and abort the conversation rather than letting it escalate. Have a follow-up conversation later, when the storm has passed, listening to your child’s feelings - but insisting on respectful expression of anger in the future.
* Be firm but keep your cool. Confident parenting is most always calm, clear, focused, and assertive in times of conflict.
* Combine zero tolerance with a long-term view. A long-standing problem will not vanish overnight. Give your children time to change to a new, consistent way to behave.
* If the problem is chronic and the preceding strategies don’t seem to work, consider seeking family therapy to focus on your parenting skills. Don’t let the pattern go on for years.
Dr. Doherty’s list does not mention the “s” word (spanking). The Bible does. The Bible also teaches the difference between necessary corporeal punishment and abuse. However, if you are afraid you will warp your child’s personality with a spanking, you are being sinfully negligent as a parent.
I have known many parents who shied-away from disciplining their children. They assumed it was possible to always achieve their objective with reasoning. That may be so – but without firm discipline, your objectives will be far short of what
God’s best is for that child. He said that you are treating that child as illegitimate – an unwanted nuisance.
24He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 13:24 (KJV)
6For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Hebrews 12:6-8 (KJV)
Children want, and need, the comfort of your discipline, parents. It is a basic need within them to know where the fences are. In a noted scientific experiment one school removed the fence from the playground. They thought the children would play more creatively if the boundaries were removed. What they saw astounded them. The children didn’t play at all….they huddled nearer the classroom and their teachers. To remove discipline is to remove the security children need. It teaches the opposite of respect. It teaches negligence.
Elizabeth and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary at Blowing Rock a few months ago. We took a side trip to Grandfather Mountain. At the top of the mountain there are two peaks, a few hundred feet apart, joined by a suspended walking bridge. It is big enough for two people to pass, but the thing swings in the wind hundreds of feet off the ground. It had a guardrail, so we walked across. I can tell you, there would be no human footprints of mine on the other side without that guardrail. (I don’t even like the second floor at the mall). But I walked across with the added confidence of the safety rail.
Your discipline in the home is a guardrail for your children to the safety of respect for the Lord. That respect must be taught and expected at home. And…
II. Respect Must be Taught and Required at Church
There is a tendency in our day to forget what the church is all about. Adult classes included, there is a lack of understanding that the church is for training in righteousness, evangelism and worship. It is not a fun house!
Now, here at Cedar Lodge Baptist we do a lot of things that are for the true purpose – training, evangelism and worship – and we do them with joy, sometimes in a fun way. But the chief end is NOT fun! The chief end is to glorify God. We must find ways to communicate that to children and adults who tend to think like children.
It’s not always that easy. I know you’ve heard of Brother Told’em. He showed up for every service, every function. He was as self-righteous as could be. Every Sunday after the service he would go out the front door, shake the preacher’s hand and say, Preacher, you shore told ‘em with that sermon. It frustrated the pastor; there were times when he preached on the need of everyone needing repentance, and Brother Told’em would still say on the way out, Preacher, they shore needed that one, you shore told ‘em that time. One day it snowed so heavily only the preacher and (you guessed it) Brother Told’em showed up at the church. The pastor thought, Oh man, I got him now. The parson loaded up, preached on Pharisees, self-righteous Cain and Judas combined. It was a masterful two-hour sermon to a captive audience. On the way out the door Brother Told’em shook the preacher’s hand and remarked, Preacher, that was good; if they’d a been here you shore woulda told ‘em this time!
Well – folks – this is it! Here I am, telling us this time. Us…yes, that’s the first priority on how we’re to teach and require respect at Cedar Lodge:
IT’S OUR BOAT
Every member of Cedar Lodge Baptist Church must get on the same page with this concept, or it will not work. It is like a lifeboat. We have jumped from the Titanic and now are on the good ship Church. Over in the youth class respect has blown a hole – Temptation is that we think, The youth are leaking respect. Wrong!
When there is a hole in one corner of a lifeboat, the whole thing’s going down. Each and every one of us must accept responsibility for changing what’s wrong (plugging up the hole). That means we all, adults and youth alike, understand that discipline and respect will be observed at Cedar Lodge…and we will do it for the glory of God, and the sake of the Kingdom.
Let’s spend just a few minutes to say the obvious about the how…
How to Plug the Holes
CONSTRUCTIVELY
The mark of Christian discipline is always that it has the responsibility of taking what is less than Christian behavior and restoring the brother to wholesome relationship. When we discipline for respect we will not just rip someone apart. Whatever happens around here will be done to build a brother!
For instance, suppose a child emotionally abuses another child, or disrespects an adult? What shall we do? We won’t ignore it. Adults need to step in. Apologies and reconciliation must be accomplished.
An adult ought to feel the freedom to lovingly correct children and youth. The key word is lovingly. If you are going to threaten anyone, go join the NBA. They love “in your face trash talk”. This is a church. On the other hand, flippant attitudes of children who have a loose tongue won’t be acceptable either. We will plug that hole in the boat.
CONSISTENTLY
To single-out one child, or adult for discipline, and ignore another is unfair. Discipline is just as appropriate for all – adults included. Appropriate dealing with inappropriate behavior means acting the same towards all.
There is an old wives’ tale about how preacher’s kids get scrutinized more than the “regular” members. That’s so lame. My kids always got treated like royalty, except for a few folks over the years who mistreated everybody’s kids. In fact, my kids have nothing to complain about – if anything they were spoiled by some great church members.
Consistent “hole-plugging” means it doesn’t matter whose kid it is…they will be taught respect, and expected to be respectful here.
CHRISTLIKE
A Godly approach to plugging our “respect” holes in America, and at Cedar Lodge Baptist Church, recognizes the method and love of Jesus. Jesus’ method was “one-on-one”. That’s how you witness; that’s how you mentor or disciple another. You touch one life at a time. And you touch that life with love. Sometimes it is tough love.
In Matthew 18 Jesus gave us a model. He showed us how to reconcile our differences by personal confrontation and public help. He said that if we would follow that, He, himself would be in the middle of it – even if only two or three would gather. When we bind it on earth He seals it in heaven.
The ship has holes in it. We are agreed, there is an epidemic loss of respect for most of life, society and the Lord these days. We are agreed that we need to do something about it. The question then falls, Will we do something about it?
The answer is very encouraging – you see, Jesus has already done something about it. When He gave us those principles of reconciliation, it wasn’t just words. He spoke the words, then lived it out when He went to the cross. Jesus reconciled all of mankind, took all our sins upon himself.
In the invitation today, I want you to consider these few things:
#1. What level of respect for God do I have? Have I accepted his free offer of salvation on the cross? Will I now respectfully acknowledge Him by stepping forward and offering my life publicly to Christ and His church. My respect for God.
#2. What level of respect do I want to see in my church? Will I pray? Do I have an idea that will help? Will I go forward and find out if there is a way I can help?
The altar always awaits.
There is help for the home and your heart there.
