Dating
I found this sermon one of the most difficult of all the ones I have prepared
- Perhaps it was so difficult
- For the same reason
- That people, particularly our young people
- Have with dating
- It isn’t something God wrote directly into the Bible
- If I were to preach on immorality
- That would be much easier
- The Bible has clear teaching on that
- But there is no clear statement in the Bible
- “Thou shall not date”
There are some principles I think can be applied to dating
- And we will be looking at some of them
- I suppose the first task is to define dating
- I was not really surprised
- To discover some young people have a different definition of dating
- Than older adults might have
- Dating used to be simply a guy asking a girl to go out to do something together
- If you were dating each other
- It might have been an exclusive relationship
- Or going steady
- But now dating has a whole new context
- It seems that young people think in terms of
- Single, dating and married
- Single means not seeing anyone
- Not dating or not going steady
- Dating means involved in an exclusive relationship
- It is like being married without the paperwork or the wedding
- Or without the responsibility
- You don’t support the girl you are dating
- But the other activities and expectations of marriage
- May be freely engaged in
- Many dating couples are now sexually involved with each other
Our culture has changed the norm and the expectations of young people
- In the process attitudes and activities have changed
- So while dating might not be wrong
- Some of the activities of dating couples might be wrong and damaging
Having watched and counseled several young men and a few young ladies about broken relationships,
- Expectations and such
- That go with dating
- I have found there are some serious issues
- That need to be discussed
- There have been too many tears, too much pain
- And a few unexpected babies and marriages
- Because people went into dating
- Without understanding what could happen
If dating was just a group of young men and women
- Going out to a movie
- Or to eat
- Even if they were paired up
- I don’t think there would be reason for much concern
- If people simply liked each other’s company
- And asked them to do something together
- There would not be much of a problem
- If relationships weren’t exclusive
- But the couples were loosely grouped
- As a part of a larger group of friends
- There would be entirely different expectations
- And entirely different outcomes
But when two individuals, a boy and a girl, decide to date each other exclusively
- And limit their social contact largely to themselves
- Things change
- They begin to look for more than companionship and friendship
- In the relationship
- Romance becomes a part of the expectations
- And part of the activities
- Expressions of love, real or imagined, appear
- Emotions and feelings begin to rule
- Things change
- They are fundamentally different
- The problem is that these emotions nad feelings
- Are not a good place to build a relationship
- Ask any married couple
- If they haven’t felt unloved or like leaving the relationship
- At one time or another
- See a permanent relationship is built
- On something other than emotion or feeling
- On something other than sex or attractiveness
You see
- Dating doesn’t train young people for marriage
- Not the way it is done now any way
- It prepares them for divorce
- You see, dating typically involves
- A series of short-term relationships
- Some intensely emotional and involved
- Those who end up with a solid marriage out of this process
- Often have to deal with a lot of painful emotional baggage
- From previous dating relationships
- Baggage from the breakups
- From the betrayal of trust
- From the fickleness of youth
- From boredom and wanting to be free
- Young people are learning to break off
- Relationships that don’t work out
- Or are stale
- Or when someone new, better comes along
- The practice of falling emotionally in love
- And then falling out of love with each other
- Can cause a great deal of pain and scarring
- And establish bad relationship habits
- In the Army we always said you will fight the way you train
- You will work relationships the way you had them in the past
Jim Ryun said, “A lot is said these days of abstaining from sex before marriage, but there is a great need for emotional abstinence as well.”
Scholars from the Institute for American Values conducted a survey, “Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Looking for Mr Right”
- It asked 1000 college women about courtship
- Dating a male with the hopes of finding a lifelong mate
- Has been replaced by hooking up
- Hooking up with a male partner usually is fueled by alcohol
- And entails engaging in sexual activity
- 40% of the women surveyed
- Admitted to hooking up with men
- And 1 in 10 disclosed they had done so at least 6 times
Elizabeth Marquardt, co-author of the report, says
- The women wish they could really get to know a guy
- Without necessarily having a sexual relationship
This survey was conducted after the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University
- Released a report in 1999
- That concluded
- That Americans were marrying far less
- And those who do marry are less happy
So what are people to do?
- What is the Biblical viewpoint?
- The fact is the Bible doesn’t have a section
- That directly addresses dating
- It does address marriage
- And it does address sexual immorality
- What we must understand
- Is that our lives as Christians
- Are to be lived on the principles
- God has laid out in the Bible
- He does not allow for a division
- Between our spiritual lives and our social lives
- The reason dating is not directly addressed
- Is that dating or mate- finding
- Is to be done in a godly way
- Now that is not the way the world does it
Let’s look at some Scripture and see if we can apply it to dating
- Turn with me to Col 3:1-4
Col. 3:1-4 (ESV)
If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
- Paul states the context in vs 1-4 for what will follow
- He reminds us we have been raised from the dead with Christ
- We are new creations
- Who are to fix our sights on the things above
- We are to pursue the things of God
- Not the things of the world
- We are to live our lives in Him
- Not for ourselves
- Notice we were raised with Christ, who is seated at the right hand of God
- We are to live like those who sit next to God Himself
Having laid the foundation
- He gives us some clear instructions
- How to live that life in Christ
Look at vs 5-6
Col. 3:5-6 (ESV)
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6On account of these the wrath of God is coming.
- Put to death those things that belong to the world
- Such as sexual immorality
- Premarital sex is wrong
- That means more than intercourse by the way
- It means any sort of sex act outside of marriage
- Don’t let people fool you
- All sex acts, intercourse or otherwise, is sin outside of marriage
- Put to death all impurity
- Put to death all evil desire
- Wanting something to get sexual pleasure or gratification
- Outside marriage is wrong
- Put it to death
See the principle here is we are to live for Christ
- A pure, single-minded life
- To pursue Him and His purposes
- We are not to get into relationships
- That draw us away from that
- We are to avoid relationships that lead us to sin
- To sexual impurity or sexual immorality
- We are to put such relationships to death
- To not even go looking for them
How does that apply to dating?
- Well, first we need to think about
- Why we are dating
- How we are dating
- Are we looking for a relationship outside marriage
- In which we can know sexual gratification?
- Then we are sinning
- Are we engaging in impure activity when we date?
- Then we are sinning
- Are we becoming involved in something
- That takes our attention away from our relationship with God?
- Which hinders our life in Christ?
- Then we are sinning
Go to vs 9-10
Col. 3:9-10 (ESV)
Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices
10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.
- Put off the old self
- Put off the practices of the world
- Put off the ways of our culture
- And put on the new self
- Be renewed in the image of Christ
- All our relationships are to be those of the new
- In the image of Christ
Look further to vs 17
Col. 3:17 (ESV)
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
- There is a principle here
- We are to do everything in His name
- I am not a great fan of things like WWJD
- But really what Paul is saying here is
- Don’t do or say anything you wouldn’t say or do with Jesus
- Your dating
- Is it the kind of thing you would invite Jesus to do with you?
- Do you take Him with you on your date?
- He goes anyway, even if you don’t realize it
- Or would He be embarrassed
- By your dating?
- If so, it is wrong and is sin
There are some other principles we should consider
- Paul tells us in 2 Cor 6:14-16
2 Cor. 6:14-16 (ESV)
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said,
"I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them,
and I will be their God,
and they shall be my people.
- If dating is designed for us to find a significant relationship
- One that could result in marriage
- Then don’t date non-Christians
- Why?
- You are not to allow yourself to be yoked with a non-Christian
- You have nothing in common beyond the physical
- No basis to build a permanent relationship
- We are to avoid that kind of bondage
- We have been called to live in the light
- And we can’t do that
- When we are related, tied to someone
- Who only knows the darkness
- The result will always be misery or failure or at least struggle
- Don’t do it
Turn 2 Tim 2:22
2 Tim. 2:22 (ESV)
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
- Flee from the passions that drive you
- Turn instead and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace
- Why do you want to date?
- Why do you want to date that particular individual?
- Is it because of passion?
- Are you following your emotions or feelings?
- Then flee
- You are about to do something dangerous
- Flee and turn to God
Yeah, I know
- You say how will I ever find a husband or a wife?
- I can tell you that decision is too important
- To leave to emotions and feelings and dating
- Jesus told us in Matt 6:31-33
Matthew 6:31-33 (ESV)
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ’What shall we eat?’ or ’What shall we drink?’ or ’What shall we wear?’ 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
- Therefore do not be anxious, saying, “Who shall I marry?”
- God knows if you need a wife or husband
- He will provide the perfect one for you
- If you will seek first His kingdom and His righteousness
- I know that is not the way it is done
- But then the results of the way it is done
- Is 50% of all marriages end in divorce
- Is that what you want?
- No, probably not
- Then the process that leads to such large a number of failures
- Needs to be changed
Remember I told you
- Dating doesn’t train young people for marriage; it prepares them for divorce.”
- If we do it within the principles God has given
- We will find
- Only God’s best
- The full satisfaction of our social, physical and spiritual needs
The end then is
- We need to change the way
- We go about dating
- We need to stop
- Pursuing emotional or physical desires
- We need rather to put God first
- Live our lives purely, and in His purpose
- Put God and His kingdom first
- Flee immediately from passion
- And cling to Christ
- And allow God to provide
I would suggest 2 Old Testament stories about finding a mate
- They are very instructive
- Isaac’s wife was one he never saw before she was brought to him (Gen 24)
- He never dated, yet got the best God had to give him
- His was a blissful and blessed marriage
- The other was Jacob
- Who fell in love and pursued a woman (Gen 29)
- He was tricked because of his passions
- And ended up with 2 wives
- And a string of trouble he didn’t bargain for
- Go read about them in Genesis
- Ponder how you fit the story
- And then trust God
- Not your passions, not your feelings
- Put Him first
- In every relationship
- And make Him a key part of that relationship
- Your focus will not be on sex or love or feelings or needs
- And He will protect you, bless you, and provide for you all your needs
