On July 29, 1981 Britain’s Prince Charles married his Lady Diana in a grand royal ceremony. The glamorous wedding was a fairy tale of present pomp and past glory, a last gold-leaf page from the tattered book of empire. London was a city dressed like a vast stage. Buses were painted with bows, and parks bloomed with Charles’ royal crest outlined in precisely painted blossoms. Some 4,500 pots of flowers lined the wedding route.
Besides the happy couple, the audience included 26 prominent clerics, a congregation of 2,500 crowding each other for pew space under the great painted dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral, more than 75 technicians manning 21 cameras, and an estimated worldwide television audience of 750 million.
Isn’t it noteworthy that a glamorous wedding does not guarantee a great marriage?
A Marriage Made in Paradise
I. The Precedent of Marriage
II. The Purpose of Marriage
III. The Promise of Marriage
IV. The Primary Relationship of Marriage
A. Marriage involves leaving.
B. Marriage involves cleaving.
C. Marriage involves weaving
V. The Perfect Marriage
A. The perfect couple
B. The perfect environment
VI. The Problems of Marriage
VII. The Prologue of Marriage
Mrs. Albert Einstein was once asked if she understood her husband’s theory of relativity. "No," she said, "but I know how he likes his tea."
—Christian Reader, Vol. 33, no. 6.
I. Precedent of marriage
The pastor of a big city church ran an ad for a caretaker-housekeeper. The next day, a well-dressed young man appeared at the pastor’s door. But before he could say more than, “Hello, I came to see about. . . ,” the pastor began questioning him.
“Can you sweep, make beds, shovel walks, run errands, fix meals, balance a checkbook, and baby-sit?” the churchman asked?
“Whoa,” the young man said, “I only came to see about getting married, but if it’s that much work, I’m not interested.”
— Virginia Myers, In Saturday Evening Post, April, 1990
“But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9).
There are erroneous views of marriage, which lead to wrong expectations, attitudes, and practices. It is here, sad to say, that many Christians—even Bible-believing Christians—go wrong. Their concept of marriage is an illusion. For that reason, we must spend some time discussing the nature of marriage.
The Precedent of Marriage
Most Christians understand the origin of marriage, although many are unaware of the significance of that origin. Let me set forth the basic tenet that must be affirmed and then consider its practical relevance to marital life.
∙ A Christian must clearly understand that marriage is of divine origin.
∙ That might sound like a truism, except for the fact that everywhere today we are being told otherwise. In colleges and high schools, our young people are taught that marriage came about not by divine fiat but as a humanly devised expedient.
∙ Those two viewpoints are not only antithetical, but lead to widely differing consequences in marriage.
∙ If marriage is a divinely ordained institution, as the Bible purports, then it should persist until God ordains otherwise; the rules and ideals of marriage are to be those which He set forth; and marriage must not be revamped by human whim or expediency.
∙ If, on the other hand, marriage came about as a human expedient, devised by man, and all of its terms were of human origin, then it certainly may be abolished or its terms may be altered by man for whatever reasons he wishes.
Young people in our churches do not have a strong idea of the divine origin of marriage. The church naively assumed that they understand this teaching and has not adequately taught them the biblical facts. The home has been equally deficient. How will young people learn? Not from the propaganda they read and hear in the media or in school. There they will be told just the opposite. If they are constantly bombarded with the message that marriage but a human expedient, they will eventually believe it and, holding to this low view of marriage, will act accordingly. That means that biblical terms for marriage will tend to strike them as irrelevant or at best an optional viewpoint. It means that they will build their marriages out of wrong materials and will aim for something far beneath biblical standards. The result will be the destruction of society.
Over three decades have passed since the divorce rates began to escalate. The statistics are in. We can now make some definitive statements about the impact divorce has had upon our culture and especially upon our children. In an article entitled, “Dan Quayle Was Right,” The Atlantic Monthly published their findings:
According to a growing body of social-scientific evidence, children in families disrupted by divorce and out-of-wedlock birth do worse than children in intact families on several measures of well-being. Children in single-parent families are six times as likely to be poor. They are also likely to stay poor longer. Twenty-two percent of children in one-parent families will experience poverty during childhood for seven years or more, as compared with only two percent of children in two-parent families.
A 1988 survey by the national Center for Health Statistics found that
∙ children in single-parent families are two to three times as likely as children in two-parent families to have emotional and behavioral problems.
∙ They are also more likely to drop out of high school,
∙ to get pregnant as teenagers,
∙ to abuse drugs,
∙ and to be in trouble with the law.
Compared with children in intact families, children from disrupted families are at a much higher risk for physical or sexual abuse. . . . Contrary to popular belief, many children do not “bounce back” after divorce or remarriage.
Children in this country are in trouble because families in this country are in trouble. And frankly, many families are in trouble because a lot of churches are in trouble.
II. The Purpose of Marriage, 2:18
We hear, even in truly Christian circles, some of the strangest ideas about what the purpose of marriage is supposed to be. Unless both spouses understand and set their hearts upon realizing the true purpose of marriage, their marriage will fall far short of what it should be.
What is the purpose of marriage?
The answer to that question is set forth by God Himself in Genesis 2:18: “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone. . .”
The purpose of marriage is to meet man’s need for companionship. Marriage was designed to defeat loneliness. Companionship is, therefore, the essence of marriage. Consider:
“. . . the strange woman . . . which forsaketh the guide (companion) of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God” (Prov 2:16a-17).
“. . .the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant” (Mal 2:14).
In these verses, companionship is closely associated with marriage. Aloneness can be countered only by means of the two elements found in the two distinct words translated “companion” in Proverbs and Malachi. Each of the two words refers to one side of companionship.
The word used in Proverbs refers to one “in intimate relationship with”;
The word in Malachi refers to one “associated with, or united to.” Together, they speak of a relationship in which there is constant commitment and intimacy.
∙ Intimacy apart from commitment to remain together is not adequate;
∙ Commitment to remain in association apart from intimacy is equally deficient. Both elements are necessary to defeat loneliness.
According to an article by Felicity Barringer of the New York Times, trial marriages do not increase the chance of a marriage lasting or being successful. In fact, those who live together before marriage, separate and divorce in significantly greater numbers than those who go directly to the altar.
Perhaps the most common wrong idea about the purpose of marriage is the belief that marriage is primarily for the propagation of the human race. That belief confuses mating and marriage. The human race, like gerbils, or cats, or rats, does not need the marriage institution for that purpose. Indeed, in many places, the human race, like animal races, is being propagated all too successfully without the benefits of marriage!
No, marriage is more than mating. Marriage is companionship, one aspect of which involves mating. The intimacy of biblical companionship extends to every aspect of human nature. That is one reason why sexual relations are to be limited to the marriage relationship. There can be no intimate companionship between two persons when a third intervenes. Fornication, adultery, and even polygamy vitiate true companionship because they destroy the intimacy of a constant, close relationship. There is an exclusiveness to this “one flesh” relationship.
You don’t really have intimacy without commitment! Josh McDowell writes:
A little over a year ago I debated the co-founder of Playboy on television for three hours. He agreed with me on this point. My statement was this—we have not been through a sexual revolution. We have not. What we have been through in the last fifteen years has been a revolution in the search for intimacy. Most of our young people do not want the physical aspect of sex, they want someone who cares. They want to be able to care. They want intimacy. We have allowed our culture to dictate to us that the only way you find intimacy is through the physical—and that’s an absolute lie!
One woman called me at a university. She said, “Mr. McDowell, in the last five nights I’ve gone to bed with five different men. I got out of bed tonight and looked back and said to myself, ‘Is that all there is to it?’” and she started crying. She said, “Please sir, tell me there’s something more!”
I said, “Yes, it’s called intimacy. It’s what the Bible calls ‘the two shall become one.’”
— Josh McDowell, Moody Founder’s Week 1986
The Promise of Marriage
The basic underlying obligation in marriage is to meet the other’s need for companionship. When a couple takes marriage vows, whether they realize it or not (and often they do not), they are vowing to provide companionship for one another for the rest of their lives; that is what their vows amount to.
∙ Notice, they do not vow to receive companionship, but to provide it for one another. Marriage itself is an act of love in which one person vows to meet another’s need for life, no strings attached.
That means that when a husband or a wife complains, “I am not getting what I want out of marriage,” his or her statement is nonsensical. And you must reply, “You did not enter marriage in order to get something for yourself. You vowed to give something to your partner. Marriage is not a bargain in which each partner says, ‘I will give so much in return for so much.’ Each vows to give all that is necessary to meet his or her spouse’s need for companionship, whether or not he or she receives anything in return. Therefore, the only question for you is, ‘Are you fulfilling your vows?’ “Many marry for what they can get out of the marriage; but that is lust, not love, and is biblically untenable. We ought ask “How can I please God and my mate?” not “how can I please myself?” To please God by rightly pleasing one’s spouse is the basic obligation of marriage.
The Permanent Relationship, Genesis 2:24,
A. Marriage involves Leaving.
“Leaving” is a strong word that means “abandon.” However the word must be balanced with Deuteronomy 4:9 and 1 Timothy 5:8. Our children were given to us for a period of time. The parent child relationship is a temporary relationship. While the husband wife relationship is permanent.
B. Marriage also involves cleaving.
The Primary relationship is between parents
C. Marriage also involves Weaving
Leadership magazine carried a short item sent in by Cathern Paxton that illustrates the importance of letting God be uppermost in the marital relationship. She wrote, “A braid appears to contain only two strands of hair. But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands. If the two could be put together at all, they would quickly unravel. Herein lies the mystery: What looks like two strands requires a third. The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps the strand tightly woven.” Then Paxton concluded, “In a Christian marriage, God’s presence, like the third strand in a braid, holds husband and wife together.”
In Marriage & Divorce magazine, the March 1980 issue, these statistics were given:
Right now in the United States 1 out of 3 marriages ends in divorce.
However, in a marriage where both people were married in a church, the divorce rate is 1 out of 50.
In a marriage where the couple is married in a church, they attend church every Sunday, and they pray and read the Bible together, the divorce rate is 1 out of 1,105.
That’s the difference that Jesus Christ makes in a marriage.
The Perfect Couple
A woman went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He’s forty-five years old, six foot three, has blue eyes, blonde hair, an athletic build, is soft spoken, and good to the children." The neighbor protested. "Your husband is five foot three, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Who wants him back?"
—Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows, (Cincinnati, Ohio: Standard Publishing Company, 1997).
Adam and Eve had the world’s only perfect marriage. She couldn’t talk about the man she might have married and he couldn’t complain that his mother was a better cook.
—Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows, (Cincinnati, Ohio: Standard Publishing Company, 1997).
Adams Intellect (2:19, 20)
Adam named all of the animals and all of the birds. Man had just been created, and he was instantly able with his complete intelligence, undefiled by sin at this time, to name all of the beasts and fowl.
Adam had superior intelligence. It appears there was no need for second thoughts that would have required later changes in the names. Adam named them, and God states, “Whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof” (2:19).
Adam needed a “help meet”— literally, “a helper fit” for him. 2:21 ff.
Was Eve Inferior?
“Eve was made from the side of man. She was not taken from his head to indicate superiority nor from his foot to indicate inferiority. She was taken from his side to reveal equality. She is on the same level with the man. Woman was made from that area nearest man’s heart, thus symbolizing her compatibility with man. She has been made to be his companion mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The dignity of womanhood was established at creation because of this closest possible kinship with man.”
Because she was taken from man, the woman is subordinate to the man but not inferior to him.
“But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God” (I Corinthians 11:3).
“For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man” (I Corinthians 11:8, 9).
In these verses Paul makes it clear that man and woman are equal in His eye, but at the same time man does have the responsibility of leading the home. Our check book is an example. According to God, in the Bible the woman is subordinate to man.
The fact is that just as the woman came from the man in creation, man now is born of woman. God states it this way in 1 Corinthians 11:12:
“For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman: but all things of God.”
Adam expressed clearly the truth concerning woman’s origin and her likeness to man. Verse 23 reads:
“And Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man.’”
The Bible is clear—woman is like man and was created by God to be a complement to man. Every man should recognize his wife as a gift from God. Every woman should thank the Lord for the privilege she has of being a woman, created for a purpose in the will and plan of God.
Adams Intellect
Eve Equality
Eves Influence
A wife can have an influence for good or evil.
“For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression” (1 Tim 2:13-14).
There are numerous examples of wives who were bad examples such as Jezebel and Sarah when she encouraged Abraham to have Ishmael through Hagar. But there are also many examples of wives who influenced there husbands for good.
Perfect Environment
But this is not altogether so. One day a tourist came to the birthplace of Robert Burns; and as he looked out over the charm of the highland scenery and saw the quaint and quiet beauty of it all, he exclaimed, “Ah, no wonder Burns was a poet!” But the guide at his side said, “Sir, there have been many children born here since Robert Burns was born, but none of them were poets.”
He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
The world says the answer to sin or problems is more education and a better environment. Adam and Eve had it all and still fell. If the perfect couple, including the smartest man fell in the perfect environment, do you think we could have problems?
The Problems in Marriage
Discontent and Sin
Eve had everything a person could want yet stood there and allowed her mind to dwell on the one thing she did not have until it became an obsession.
∙ Eve had the smartest strongest best looking guy around.
∙ She had the biggest nicest home ever and it wasn’t enough.
If you want things or even your spouse to provide satisfaction you are ungrateful, but also headed for trouble. You had better not criticize or dwell on bad traits of mate. Discontent ends many honeymoons.
Biggest problem is not the sin, it is present in all marriages the biggest problem is the unresolved conflict. Those conflict are unresolved for primarily two reasons:
1. Blaming, Imagine the pain when Adam said “the woman you gave me”. Don’t criticize it hurts.
2. Hiding, 1 John 1, fellowship According to verse 8, “Walking in the light” = An open attitude toward admitting my sinfulness. I’m open about the sins of the wife that God gave me but what about my own. But the key to the passage is that unless you walk in the light you have neither fellowship with God or man (1 John 1:7; 1 Peter 3).
The answer is responsibility, and confession
Movies may succeed with the idea that love is never having to say you’re sorry, but I’ve never known of a marriage to succeed on that premise. Most lovers have to say, “I’m sorry” a great deal.
The Prologue, Hope
For men their was an increase in anxiety to provide, an agitation and they became less sympathetic to their wife’s needs. Sin always brings tension and strife. But it doesn’t end there. God always ends His stories with hope (Genesis 3:15).
A home on the rocks can be rebuilt upon the rock. Any couple can get along with Christ in your heart and home!”
Love = Giving
There are several passages of Scripture where the writer equates love with giving. The most obvious example of that is found in John 3:16 where the Bible states: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son....”
William Sydney Porter, who lived from 1862 to 1910 wrote more than six hundred short stories. Unless you are a literary buff, you may not know him by that name. His works are authored under the pen name “O. Henry.” He has been called by some, “the American master of the surprise ending.”
One of his most fascinating stories is entitled “The Gift of the Magi.” The plot centers around a young couple, Mr. and Mrs. James Dillingham Young. In the era in which they lived, times were difficult, and money was scarce. But they had each other and two prized possessions. She had beautiful long hair, “rippling and shining like a cascade of brown waters.” He cherished a magnificent pocket watch of gold. On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Young (known as Della) counted out her money to see if she could buy her husband, Jim, a special Christmas gift. The paltry sum was one dollar and eighty-seven cents, much of which was in pennies that she had pinched and scraped together during the year. Only one viable option remained—she would sell her hair. She received twenty dollars for her hair and immediately went shopping for two hours to find the “perfect” gift for Jim. Finally, it caught her eye . . . a platinum fob, a chain for his gold watch. She thought, “He’ll now look at his watch a hundred times a day.
She arrived home an hour before her husband. Looking into the mirror she wondered if Jim would still love her with short hair. Using a curling iron, she did her best to make herself attractive and then sat down with the watch chain in her hand and waited. Soon she heard the footsteps of her husband as he approached. Jim entered and looked across the room but was stunned by what he saw. For a moment he was speechless. Della was frightened. “Jim, what’s wrong? You still love me, don’t you? Isn’t my hair all right?”
Taking a package from under his arm, he laid it on a table and told Della to open it. Inside were several lovely tortoise shell combs with jeweled edges for her hair. She had seen them in the window of a store months before and had lusted for them. Now that they were hers, she could not use them. But how could he afford such an expensive gift? You guessed it... he had sold his gold watch.
While this story is a touching expression of sacrificial love, it does generate a couple of questions: Are we sacrificial givers or selfish takers in our relationships? More importantly, have you received the sacrificial gift of eternal life by accepting Christ as your personal Savior?
