Improving Your Social Life:
Three Essential Communications Skills
James 1:19-20
Introduction:
[A young man once approached Socrates to ask if the philosopher would teach him the gift of oratory. His request was then followed by an incessant stream of words until, finally, Socrates placed his hand over the inquirer’s mouth and said, “Young man, I will have to charge you a double fee.”
When the fellow asked why, Socrates replied, “I will have to teach you two sciences. First, how to hold your tongue, and then, how to use it.”]
• I want to talk about that very subject this morning…How can we hold our tongue and how do we use it.
• The most important skill that anyone can learn is how to communicate effectively.
• Lack of communication and faulty communication has been the chief cause of marriage breakups, families being destroyed, and in the extreme case jail cells being occupied.
• An inability to communicate will eventually cause loneliness and depression. Those who can’t communicate well rarely have many friends.
• Let’s look closely this morning at some communication skills that will help us navigate the often tricky landscape of relationships.
1. Listen when someone is talking to you.
a. Listen to God
i. Through His Word
ii. Through The Holy Spirit
b. Listen to Others
[Dale Carnegie says that you can make more friends in two weeks by becoming a good listener than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in you.]
i. Look at me when I am talking to you.
[Sometimes we’re like the couple who were with some friends and the
subject of marriage counseling came up. Mary said, “Oh, Tom and I
will never need counseling. We have a great relationship. He was a
communications major in college and I majored in drama. He
communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”]
ii. Be a mirror—reflect back to the person what they are saying. (Gary Smalley calls Drive-through listening)
iii. Ask questions for clarification but don’t interrupt. (i.e, what do you mean by saying you’re outta here? Or I’m Fiddin-To.)
2. Let your tongue out of its cage only when necessary.
[James 1:19
"Men have two ears, and but one tongue, that they should hear more than they speak." "The ears are always open, ever ready to receive instruction; but the tongue is surrounded with a double row of teeth, to hedge it in, and to keep it within proper bounds."
(from Barnes’ Notes, Electronic Database. Copyright (c) 1997 by Biblesoft)]
Prov 13:3
The one who guards his mouth preserves his life;
The one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
a. Thinketh before you speaketh.
Eccl 5:2
2 Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought to bring up a matter in the presence of God. For God is in heaven and you are on the earth; therefore let your words be few.
i. Shooting from the hip is not accurate.
ii. Know what you are going to say before you say it. Then ask yourself the question, Do I really want to say that?
b. If what you want to say will not contribute to the conversation, don’t say it.
c. If you are speaking to intentionally hurt, then don’t talk.
Col 3:8
8 But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.
[A guy came to his pastor and said, “Reverend, I only have one talent.”
The pastor asked, “What’s your talent?
The man said, "I have the gift of criticism."
The pastor was wise and replied, "The Bible says that the guy who had only one talent went out and buried it. Maybe that’s what you ought to do with yours."]
d. Ask yourself this question before you speak: Would I be embarrassed or ashamed if God heard me say this? Eph 5:3-4
3 But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints;
4 and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.
The Greek word for silly talk is a compound word. It is the combination of moros and lego. Lego is speaking or laying forth in words and moros is where we get our English word MORON. In other words, Am I going to sound like a moron if I say this?
Coarse jesting is referring to vulgar or “Adult Humor.”
d. Always speak redemptively.
Col 4:6
6 Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
3. Get a bigger camel. (The straw that broke the camel’s back)
a. You need a camel that will hold more straw.
i. Make your list of show-stoppers very short.
[I once read something that said if you wanted to trace anger back to its source, just use AHEN.
I don’t mean a chicken, but the acronym A-H-E-N
When you see Anger (the “A”) it is usually covering a Hurt (the “H”)
If you peek under that Hurt, you’ll see you had an expectation (the “E”)
And if you look under that expectation, you’ll find a need – the “N”]
b. You cannot control what others say or do, but you can always control how you respond.
c. Get off the escalator.
i. When things get heated, commit yourself to never escalate.
ii. Finish the conversation when you can speak calmly.
[Thomas Jefferson once said that when you get angry count to ten before you respond. He said if you get really angry, count to 100 before you respond.]
d. One outburst of anger can have permanent consequences.
i. Moses lost his temper at Meribah in Numbers 20 and because of that, God did not allow him to enter the promised land. (Num. 20:12.) Instead of speaking to the rock as God instructed him He struck the rock out of anger. God told him that his little tantrum showed his unbelief and failure to treat God as holy in front of the people.
[Michael Costin, 40-year-old single father of four, was beaten to death on July 5, 2000 in front of his own children at a hockey rink in Reading, Massachusetts. The man who attacked him was reportedly angry because Costin had refused to intervene in a youth hockey game that Junta thought was getting too physical.]
e. The anger of Man and the righteousness of God do not mix.
Alternative Translation:
For when people get angry they do not do the good things God wants them to do.
(from the UBS Handbook Series. Copyright (c) 1961-1997, by United Bible Societies)
