Growing Godly Families
The Four Love Needs of Men & Women, Part 2
Three Part Series (2 of 3)
February 17, 2002 FBC, Chester, Illinois Mike Fogerson, Speaker
Introduction:
A Is has been said that "Marriage is made in heaven." So is thunder and lighting!
a Marriage is tough!
*If it weren’t for marriage, most men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all....
*Any married man should forget his mistakes because there’s no reason for two people to remember the same thing...
*A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is just the beginning of a new argument.
b A women came into her pastor’s office for marital counseling and the pastor knew he would probably be able to help very much when she walked in alone. She said, "I would have brought my husband, but we’d just end up arguing."
B We are continuing looking at "Growing Godly Families" with The Four Love Needs of Men & Women, part 2.
Last Week we looked at...(1) Unconditional Love (2) Intamacy
ESS: Godly marriages have certain needs that must be met in order to flourish.
a I hope my married listeners will work harder at meeting the love needs of their spouse. (Objective)
b How well are you doing at meeting the love needs of your spouse? (P.Q.)
Let’s dig right in with the next two needs of men and women...
III The third love need of men and women is....FRIENDSHIP
A Matthew 22:37-39
MT 22:37 Jesus replied: " `Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ [38] This is the first and greatest commandment. [39] And the second is like it: `Love your neighbor as yourself.’
(Love (agape) with all your heart/passion, soul/prayers, and mind/intelligence)
(Love (agape) your neighbor/others/friend/spouse as yourself)
a Love used here is that agape love. (Unselfish, Unconditional, Sacrificial, I love you even....type of love!)
b Not only love God like that, love the one that lives close to you like that.
"Being a good Christian by being a good friend."
B You can be a good spouse by being a good friend.
a In America, 90% of married men call their wife their best friend!
b There are 3 words in the language of the New Testament for love.
AGAPE...........EROS............PHILEO
unconditional..........Romantic..............Friendship
You need all three to grow towards Godliness in your family.
Just a thought....the eros type of love in not mentioned once in the entire N.T.!
(1) Agape without Phileo=Admirer
(Respect, yes. You feel unworthy. Like being married to Mother Theresa. (She was single!)
(2)Phileo without Agape=Suite Mates (Room mates. I’ve got LOTS of friends. My wife needs to be more than just my friend.)
(3)Agape with Phileo=Sweet Hearts (Romance Blooms when you love your friend unconditionally!)
C What can you do?
MEN
(1) She needs you to be her best friend. Not one of her girl friends. (Let her vent, cry, understand)
(2) She needs your integrity. (When you are on the Internet she needs to know your looking at porn. When your at work your keeping your hands and heart to yourself.)
(3) She needs your honor. (Speak kindly, respectfully to her, not berating, belittling her if she does something that frustrates you. You speak with respect about her in front of others.)
WOMEN
(1) He needs you to have realistic expectations.
(He won’t EVER be a "girl friend" He can however be your "Best Friend."
(2) He needs you to be lovingly honest.
(This isn’t nagging! When he asks for advice or guidance, lovingly give it him. Timing is everything with a man. By the way....It will be the most immature of men/women who doesn’t’ want to hear where they need to work)
(3) He needs you to be forgiving. (He may have made some HUGE mistakes early in your marriage. Debt, improper desires.....and although it happened years ago it’s still the source of lots of arguments. Persistent punishment for past mistakes will poison your marriage.
(IL.) It’s the equivalent of watering your house plants with salt water.
(IL.) A little boy was sitting on a park bench in obvious pain. A man walking by asked him what was wrong and the young boy said, "I’m sitting on a bumble bee." The man urgently asked, "Then why don’t you get up?" The boy replied, "Because I figure I’m hurting him more than he is hurting me!" How many of us handle forgiveness like this little boy? We endure pain for the sadistic satisfaction of believing we are hurting them more than us. When we get off the bench of unforgiveness, both parties can begin to realize relief from their pain.
*Don’t only love God with all your heart, soul & mind. Love your spouse that way!
*Love your spouse/friend like yourself. (If not...your in deep weeds!)
T.S.: Men and women have a need for friendship, yet it’s not the only need to be met.
IV The fourth love need of men and women is ....ENCOURAGEMENT.
Gen. 2:18, 20-24
[18] The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." [20] So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. [21] So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. [22] Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. [23] The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called `woman,’ for she was taken out of man." [24] For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
A God gave Adam a mate who would complete, compliment, encourage him.
a Adam spent days going around the Garden naming animals, saw their "suitable" partners. Adam didn’t have one. *God said, "Adam, I’ll make you buddy."
(God asked him what kind of helper he wanted? Adam said, Make her beautiful, wise, perfect, without flaw, loving, forgiving. God said, "It’ll cost you your right arm." Adam replied, "What will you give me for a rib?" ) -Optional Joke
*God didn’t make another man. Not suitable. Women were.
b Eve wouldn’t have been all she was if it hadn’t been for Adam.
Adam wouldn’t have been all he was if it hadn’t been for Eve.
(They completed, complimented, encouraged one another.)
By the way....Jesus went to say that when God joined a man and a woman together it was meant to last forever.
Matthew 19:6
[6] So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
B Men and Women need spouses who will complement, complete and encourage.
How?
Women
(1)Encourage him to hear the applause. (Be his cheerleader. Let him know that you and God love him.)
(2)Encourage him to be accountable. (Get close to other Godly men, a pastor)
(3)Encourage him to connect with his children. (Kids grow up fast...too fast.)
(4)Encourage him to reach out and grow. (Not nagging. Get some Christian CD’s, recommend articles, Promise Keepers)
MEN
(1) Understand her wiring. (Boxs) Let her cry, vent, purge her pain.......she’s not a man.
(2) Give her first place. If she tells your spending too much time at work. She’s simply saying "I love you and need you. I want to spend time with you."
(3) Point out her potential. Be her cheerleader!
(4) Appreciate her contribution. (Brag about her to your friends. Let her catch you doing it! Tell her, "I love to be with you" or "You do a great job taking care of us."
C Your wife doesn’t want a piece of your rib, she wants your heart!
a Little Shane, a preschooler, came in from school busting with enthusiasm.
"Vance said I was the best basketball player in the school."
*...silence. "Vance is my new best friend."
b Encouragement is the easiest way to become a best friend.
Conclusion:
A ESS:Godly marriages have certain needs that must be met in order to flourish.
(1) unconditional love (2) intimacy (3) friendship (4) encouragement
a I hope my married listeners will work harder at meeting the love needs of their spouse. (Objective)
b You can chose to neglect these needs and you can survive marriage. You can chose to meet these needs and you can thrive in your marriage. Choice is yours.
B How well are you doing at meeting the love needs of your spouse? (P.Q.)
a A seven year old girl wanted to learn to play the violin and her mother constantly reminded her of the commitment and work involved with learning the violin. The mother said, "There may be times when you don’t
