Some time ago a friend of mine held a "Celebration of Marriage" Service in his Church. He sent out invitations to 150 couples that had been married in his Church in the previous eight years. "Only one couple came to the Service" he said. "By far the largest number of replies came from the Bride`s Mother who said `It was kind of you to write, but were you aware that they had been divorced`, and then went on to say `But she`s living happily with a new partner`".
In recent times Great Britain marriage and family life have been going through hard times, and the breakdown has been growing rapidly. Why should this be so? Let`s examine this:
Marriage would be easy if it were two perfect people who were getting married, but people are not perfect, and there`s nothing like day by day living alongside another person to expose your imperfections! On this side of the pond (and I suspect it`s the same in the U.S.A) society seems to be saying, "Get married - see how you get on, and, if you meet difficulties, you can always give up and find someone more compatible"
However, no two people are perfectly compatible. Tom, who has married Jane, may have a fine attractive side which all admire, but it`s highly likely that he`s got a dark side too. For a while all goes well, but eventually the glamour of the new relationship begins to fade, and they enter another stage, a stage where new things emerge that they never suspected about each other. Sometimes the new things are good and exciting for both of them, but at other times the new things can be hurtful. The dark side of Tom and Jane have now come to the surface - and then what?
Do you live with Tom while his dark side doesn`t show, but, when it does, and it rubs up against you and causes sparks, you split up and find someone else, someone who is more suited to you" - doesn`t that avoid REALITY?.
Marriage isn`t necessarily easy. It can be great and wonderful when things are going well, but if I daren`t ever reveal my dark side to you, because, if I do, you`ll run away, then our marriage has become a `play-act`. If I daren`t reveal my bad temper, but always have to live behind a smiling mask for fear of losing you, then you are not seeing the real "me". Then, if that mask does slip a little and you do start to run away from me (as secretly I always feared you would), then I have to run back into my good little act again, and have no hope of ever being accepted as I am, no hope of being told "I know there are terrible and cranky things geeing on inside you, things that hurt me terribly, but I`ll go on loving you, and never run away from you!".
It`s not until the marriage has passed out of the "easy stage" into the difficulties of personality which lie beyond, that growth can happen.. It`s not until two people begin to rub up against each other and the sparks begin to fly, and they forgive each other in the middle of the flying sparks, that they begin to enter into that deeper reality of love which is prepared to go on loving no matter what. Forgiveness is a vital and important part of marriage, and is in very short supply today!
That is why Christians promise to love each other "for better, for worse". They can only do so because they know that that is how God loves them. He sees the truth about them, and still goes on loving and forgiving.
But let`s be honest - no two people can reach this depth of relationship overnight, nor can they reach it on their own. They can only do so when God is right at the heart of their marriage. The "dark me" cannot forgive, if it hasn`t realised how much it is forgiven and accepted by God. Only then can I begin to exercise the great power of forgiveness which is His gift to me.
Many marriages come to a state where they have to "keep on keeping on", partly out of obedience to Christ, and partly out of a deep intuitive knowledge that, painful and paradoxical as it seems, personal suffering is a real and important part of the human way that Jesus came to show us.
It would have been easy for Jesus to pull out when things got hard, when He hit head on against the terrible truth of the anger, murder, lust, pain, bitterness and downright dishonesty that is in all of us. Throughout His life, but particularly in the Garden of Gethsemane, He faced and struggled with my dark side, the side which, if it comes to the surface, will crucify all those who meet me, and therefore I am not going to let anyone get close enough to find me out.
Or perhaps every time I let someone get close they hurt me, and I`m not going to let anyone get close again, not even this person I married, so marriage becomes a lie - we hold our partner at arms length because we do not think they could take what we are, and we run from partner to partner without ever getting really close to anyone.
Jesus wrestled with our anger and our isolation in the Garden. He took it with Him to the Cross and carried it into death, so that we can be delivered from it. Instead of running away from us as He so easily could, He set His face towards us with determination, and walked with His arms spread wide into our act of crucifixion, showing that God is prepared to accept anything we do, even THAT, and go on loving us. He did this so that His power to endure and overcome suffering might be poured out into the world, a power which leads to reconciliation and healing. Because of this we can face the truth about anyone, even our closest partner, and still have the power to love and endure. (1 Corinthians 13.7).
The difficulty is that the world runs away from this kind of living. Instead it prefers an imitation world where people live for `happiness`, a `happiness` which avoids the truth, refuses to accept it and forgive, and so ends up in disillusionment and despair. We become like little children, flitting from one plastic toy to another, never finding meaning, never finding worth, never finding satisfaction with anyone.
Is there an alternative for a marriage where love has died? What can someone do who is faced with such suffering and breakdown in their marriage, but who is prepared to search for another way to deal with the problem? Simply come to Christ in all honesty - tell Him the bitter truth about what is going on - and remember that He is the One who offers life, real life, real life abundantly. Remember that He offers to come in and heal and make two divided people one. When you accept His offer, He will not pour out some magical salve making all your problems disappear, but He will give you the power to stand!
He will give you eyes to see your partner in a new way, seeing them as a MIRROR, a mirror in which you can see the truth about yourself in extreme situations: how angry you are, how bitter, how empty of love, how afraid of people (any people), how selfish, how full of hatred - whatever it is that you cannot accept about yourself.
He will take your eyes off your partner`s faults (they were the ones which brought your own faults to the surface anyway), and make you face the truth about yourself. Then, having shown you YOUR distortions, He will not condemn you: He will tell you that He loves you and forgives you, and, if you are willing, He will change you.
THEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Your partner will do the same things again, the things that make you scream with anger, but this time you can turn to Jesus and say, "Lord, I am angry, violently angry. Thank you for showing me the truth. Forgive me. Heal my anger. Set me free to forgive". Then, as you act upon the belief that Christ has the power to heal in that situation, you will find that you have the power "to stand in the evil day", so that the place of defeat and breakdown, becomes the place of breakthrough and victory.
It can only be done with Christ, of course. There`s no other way out of defeat - but, if you take it, then this shocking and frustrating person you are living with will become God`s greatest gift to you. Instead of being your enemy - they will become God`s mirror to your life.
