Remember the Charlie Brown comic strip? There is one particular Peanuts cartoon, where Lucy demands that Linus change TV channels and then threatens him with her fist if he doesn’t. "What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?" asks Linus.
"These five fingers," says Lucy. "Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold."
"Which channel do you want?" asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, "Why can’t you guys get organised like that?"
The Importance of Peace/Unity in the Church:
It is important for the church/us to work together in unity. God has set us/the church a task (to spread the good news of the Gospel) and unless we work together, that won’t be accomplished. And instead of using our church to reach this community God will be forced to use another.
One of the greatest obstacles to churches growing and reaching others is dissension, discord, fighting and bickering within the church.
And it affects our families as well - the home is meant to be a safe and secure place. A happy place, where life skills are learnt and personality is discovered and developed. But when anger and intolerance set tempers aflare then it becomes a most destructive place - one to be avoided not desired.
In this morning’s Bible reading the apostle Paul was telling the Roman churches how they should live together. And if they read this letter and followed his instructions that church would become such a place of unity and love, that people would flock there.
And I would say the same to us. The Bible isn’t just a record of the past, it’s also instruction for now! The same goes for us. If we become a place that is characterised by the traits mentioned in this passage, people will be knocking down our doors - we wouldn’t have enough room for them.
You think I’m joking don’t you? Let me read it again to you.
"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervour, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another." Romans 12:10-16a
Wouldn’t you love to be surrounded by people like this? People who are committed to one another through thick and thin - people who are more concerned about others than themselves - people who are easy to get along with/peacemakers. Isn’t harmony so much more pleasant than chaos and conflict?
Well this is God’s plan for the church and it is what we all should be striving for. That should be our goal.
But the reality of it is that there will always be people who aren’t striving for such a place. As much as those around them love and care for each other - their lives are full of unhappiness and they just want to share some of it around. Perhaps they’ve never had this kind of teaching, perhaps they didn’t have very good role models as children, perhaps they’re just unspiritual/carnal. The reality is that conflict happens - it’s one of those unavoidable inevitable facts of life, that we need to learn how to deal with in appropriate God honouring ways. And that’s what we’re looking at today - how to deal most effectively with conflict when it happens.
Some typical approaches people adopt in conflicts or disagreements - are not very constructive at all.
There are those people who tend to deal with conflict by avoiding the person they most need to be talking to. Their faulty thinking says "If I can’t see it it’s not there." or "If I ignore it for long enough it will go away." So they give their "friend" the silent treatment.
Another unhelpful way people try in vain to deal with conflict is to run around telling all their friends about the disagreement (dumping all the blame on the other person - of course) in an attempt to get people to take their side. They do this because in their faulty thinking they believe that if the majority of people take their side then they must be right and then the other person will be forced to admit defeat and apologise. It’s a nice way of getting your self off the hook - avoiding taking responsibility for yourself by justifying yourself - you feel good because everyone’s on your side.
The problem is - you’ve only convinced yourself - God is not so easily convinced! In fact He’s made sure that there are strong words in the Bible about this kind of self-deceit. You know, the kind that hurts others - the Bible calls it gossip and slander.
(Mat 15:19 NIV) ...out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
(Col 3:8 NIV) ...rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
(James 4:11 NIV) ...do not slander one another.
There are some pretty bad things mentioned in those verses - murder sexual immorality - and along side these is slander
By the way the Bible says similar things about gossip. Let me give you a definition of gossip - Gossip is talking about anything potentially harmful to another person’s character, unless you’re doing something constructive to help. If you’re talking about someone else’s troubles - you’re either a part of the problem or a part of the solution.
(That was for free - back to conflict)
Conflict is not always a bad thing. In fact we may at some point need to initiate conflict ourselves - for the benefit of another.
INITIATING CONFLICT:
To Confront Sin:
(Mat 18:15-17 NIV) "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ’every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."
Three Steps -
1. Go to the person
If Steve and Paul have an argument, and Steve comes to me and says "Listen Pastor, Paul did this and it really got me angry" You know what I’m going to say to him? "Have you spoken to Paul about this?" Because if you haven’t - that’s where Jesus said you should start.
This is the best way to start, why? - because there’s no chance of gossip if you go to the person directly involved. There is a greater chance of resolution of you go to the person directly involves. It may have been a simple misunderstanding that can be cleared up in a second. Don’t get other’s involved until you’ve followed the first step - go to the person.
If going to the person directly fails then Jesus gives us the next step.....
2. Take someone else
Choose that other person carefully - impartial, wise, peacemaker
What does this accomplish? If you’ve gone to someone directly, and spoken to them about a problem - they may have been put off side, they may have gotten defensive, and a mediator can settle them down and hopefully help them to feel less threatened. The mediator can also act as a witness for you if the other person begins to gossip or slander you.
Lastly they can also correct you if you have misread the other person. It might be us that was wrong - we might have been over-sensitive or only heard half of the conversation. We may have gone directly to the person and said "What you said was wrong - or it upset me" and they respond "I don’t know what you’re talking about - I didn’t say that!" So then we take another person with us who can point out that the comment wasn’t directed at you - or that you took it the wrong way. If that happens then you need to be prepared to apologise. There’s always the danger when you go looking for an apology that it might end up coming from you.
The final step is the most drastic .....
3. Take it to the church
I might add 99.9% of all conflicts can be sorted out by following these first two steps properly.
This rarely needs to happen - but if you’ve approached the person and they won’t listen, if you’ve taken another person and they still won’t listen - then the elders of the church might need to help out.
The Goal is restoring the person - not getting them kicked out!
Believe it or not there are some positive consequences resulting from resolving conflict:
1. Closer relationships - more open friendship
2. Greater maturity, growth as a person - for both of you
3. Invaluable experience - to help others through conflict, and to do it better next time yourself.
Another time you may need to initiate conflict is
To Reconcile or restore a broken relationship:
(Mat 5:23-24 NIV) "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, {24} leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."
Why sort out the relational problem first? Isn’t out gift to God more important? No! We can clearly see in this passage that according to Jesus our broken relationship with our friend is a greater priority than our gift to Him. Sure believers are expected to regularly give a portion of their income back to God, but Jesus has given us certain regulations that go with that - for example we are not to simply give out of obligation but out of a joyful heart thankful for all God has given us. Another example is this passage - which tells us to sort out our relationships with others before coming to God. Let me explain why..............
There is a story about Leonardo da Vinci, who when was painting the Last Supper, had an intense, bitter argument with a fellow painter. Leonardo was so enraged that he decided to paint the face of his enemy into the face of Judas. That way the hated painter’s face would be preserved for ages in the face of the betraying disciple. When Leonardo finished Judas, everyone easily recognised the face of the painter with whom Leonardo quarrelled.
Leonardo continued to work on the painting. But as much as he tried, he could not paint the face of Christ. Something was holding him back.
Leonardo decided his hatred toward his fellow painter was the problem. So he worked through his hatred by repainting Judas’ face, replacing the image of his fellow painter with another face. Only then was he able to paint Jesus’ face and complete the masterpiece.
You see when we are out of fellowship with others, it’s hard to be in fellowship with God. Remember the Lord’s Prayer - "Forgive us our sins as we have forgiven those who sinned against us."
Getting Ready For Conflict:
1. Spend time in Prayer - pray for the other person, for the right time and place to talk, that the H.S. would prepare them and give you wisdom
2. Check your own heart for sin and wrong motives - are you approaching them because you want to point out sin in their lives or do you genuinely want the best for them. If you find it easy - pray more. If you find it hard, perhaps you should do it more.
Navigating the Waters of Conflict:
1. Start soon - don’t wait until the problem has escalated. Deal with it at the nearest appropriate opportunity.
2. Face to face - not over the phone, email, or by letter.
There are emotions, intonations, and facial gestures that help us communicate our love, care, acceptance for the other person. The last thing we want when navigating such sensitive waters is miscommunication.
3. Affirm the relationship
Begin by letting the other person know that you’re not doing this because you want to come down on them, but because you care for them - you want the best for them. When you begin affirming the relationship you put them at ease, rather than have them defensive from the start.
It prepares them emotionally - so they listen rather than defend.
Say to them - "There’s something I need to tell you. It’s not easy for me to say, but I value our friendship and want the best for you."
4. Make observations not accusations
Say "I was offended or hurt by what you said" rather than "You offended me." Take ownership of your feelings and statements. Accusations put people on the defensive, observations put them at ease.
5. Get the facts
LISTEN to them, get their side - ask the question "Are my observations correct?" And then be willing to change if you were wrong - be prepared to apologise if you reacted wrongly. FINALLY.........
6. Promote resolution:
Don’t just leave it up in the air. (Where do we go from here?) Is there a new understanding of one another (e.g.. Perhaps I need to be more careful now that I know Steve’s sensitive about a particular topic. Maybe I need to be less touchy. Maybe an apology needs to happen)
A good way to end a conflict is by again affirming the relationship, and pray for one another.
Doing Your Part:
Now all conflicts won’t end so easily, and some things may never be resolved. We’ve all heard of people who haven’t seen a parent or brother or sister or friend for many years - they’ve given up calling because they get abused or hung up on all the time. Well the Bible gives us some comfort here.........
Rom 12:18 "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
• "If it is possible" - indicates that it may not be.
• "as far as it depends on you" - means that you only have to do your part.
• "live at peace" - is the goal. Peace
Conclusion:
Jesus prays for the church:
Jesus wanted a church that was characterised by unity - He wanted it so much that on the night before He was to be crucified, when He was praying in the garden of Gethsemane - this is what He prayed for....
After praying for His disciples Jesus said, "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message,* that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me." John 17:20-21
Unity in the church and in the lives of Believers is important - Jesus said that it will be how the world comes to believe in Him. When we show love for one another in our relationships, in how we deal with conflict - unchurched people see a difference - and there should be a difference.
