Feb. 18, 2001 Judges 14
“The risk of relationships” - Part 2
INTRODUCTION
Last week, we began talking about the love-life of Samson, the strongest man in the world, to see if we could learn some principles that will help us in the establishment and growth of our own relationships. One of the things that we learned is that every relationship begins with an attraction. Adam was standing in the Garden of Eden with his Heavenly Father one day. He asked: God, why did you make Eve so beautiful? I mean, she’s got the softest skin, voluptuous figure, long silky hair, and radiant eyes. It’s so incredible!"
"Well, son," God said as He looked knowingly at Adam, "that’s so you would be attracted to her."
"Oh, I get it," Adam smiled. Then he rubbed his head, looked inquisitively at the Lord and asked, "But why did you make her so stupid?"
"Oh, that’s easy," God said. "That was so she would be attracted to you." - Tom Sirotnak and Ken Walker, Warriors (Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1995) 69
Other things that we learned last week are that every new relationship is going to bring changes in existing relationships, every relationship is an opportunity for God to show His glory, and every relationship requires getting close. When we left Samson last week, he was on his way to Timnah once again, but this time, it was for his wedding to his Philistine fiance’. Samson had seen the girl, he had been on one date with her, and now he was ready to marry her. Talk about your whirl-wind romance! I imagine that as he went down to Timnath, there were all kinds of thoughts going through his head. Thoughts about how their relationship was going to be just as sweet as that honey that he held in his hand, how they were going to have the perfect marriage, how there were never going to be any problems, and how they were going to live happily ever after.
Four-year-old Suzie had just been told the story of “Snow White” for the first time in her life. She could hardly wait to get home from nursery school to tell her mommy. With wide-eyed excitement, she retold the fairy tale to her mother that afternoon. After relating how Prince Charming had arrived on his beautiful white horse and kissed Snow White back to life, Suzie asked loudly: “And do you know what happened then?” “Yes”, said her mom, “they lived happily ever after.” “No,” responded Suzie, with a frown, “…they got married.” – Cecil Osborne, The art of understanding your mate I think that most of us have learned by now that when it comes to earthly relationships, there is no “happily ever after”. There is hurt and there is pain, but there is also joy and sweetness.
This morning, I want us to see 4 additional relationship principles that we can learn from Samson’s love-life as it deepens into marriage. Above all else, if you hear nothing else this morning, hear this: every human relationship is going to fail you. No human relationship will ever satisfy you completely because no human is able to meet all your needs. The only relationship that will never fail you and has the capability of meeting all of your needs is a day-by-day, deep relationship with Jesus.
1. Every relationship will cost you. (vs.10,11)
"I’m LONELY," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God. "I’m going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious -- she’ll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."
"Sounds good," Adam said. "But what’s she going to cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
"That’s pretty steep," countered Adam. “What can I get for just a rib?" - Contributed by Martha G. Verlander, Reader’s Digest, February 1991 p. 82 From the very first human relationship, we learn that relationships are going to cost you.
Samson had to pay certain costs. He had to pay the cost for the wedding feast. Those costs would have been pretty high since the feast lasted for 7 days. But Samson was willing to pay because he was “in love”.
The beginning of a relationship will cost you. There’s the cost of dating, Valentine gifts, long distance phone calls. Then, once the relationship progresses a few steps down the road, and children come along, then the costs will just continue to go up. We paid the doctors and the hospital for two years to pay off the hospital bill that Victoria created when she was born. I watched one movie where two parents had just been handed the bill for their child’s birth. Talk about your sticker shock! The husband refused to pay and asked, “What are you going to do if I don’t have the money? Are you going to repossess the kid?” Then there’s diapers. I figured it up one time. When Ben and Victoria were both in diapers, we spent over $600 a year in diapers! Then there’s doctor’s visits, braces, college, and finally, the cost of the wedding dress. And just when you think that you’re in a position when you can start saving a little bit of your money, the grandkids come along. And what are grandkids for but for spooling?
We all recognize that these relationships cost us, but we don’t really have any hesitancy about being willing to pay these costs. The reason that we don’t hesitate to spend is because we love them. When you love someone, no cost is too high to take care of them and declare your love. But at some point along the way, you somehow begin to think that you have the right to expect that relationship to remain the same or even keep on growing without having to pay the price. You were willing to pay the cost to court your wife before she was your wife. But the she puts on your ring. Now you have her. Suddenly, the wallet closes. Once you were willing to do whatever she wanted to do. Now, you’re not willing to do anything but the things that you enjoy. If relationships are going to continue to grow, then we must continue to pay the cost – whether that cost money, time, energy or attention.
Our mistakes in a relationship may increase the costs that we have to pay. Those costly mistakes usually happen when we get cocky and think that we are unstoppable. Being in a relationship is risky as it is. Taking risks that are not necessary only increases the chances that we are going to suffer loss. The Titanic was hailed as the unsinkable ship. Because of that, she sailed at full speed through waters that were filled with icebergs. Samson made the mistake of thinking that he was unsinkable. He made himself vulnerable by offering to pay the price of 30 garments if his companions could come up with the answer to a riddle that he gave them. He thought that no one would be able to get the answer. When you get cocky in a relationship and think that you can do whatever you want and go wherever you want to go, you are setting yourself up for some unnecessary pain. The costs are going to get higher than you intended to pay. When you and your date put yourselves into risky situations – alone in a house, sitting in front of the fireplace, cuddled in each other’s arms – you may have to pay the cost of your virginity or even the cost of your youth when you get pregnant. When you put yourself into a risky situation by flirting with that guy or girl at work because you know that your strong enough to handle any temptation, you may have to pay the cost of a lost relationships with your spouse. Whenever you choose to ignore God’s standards for a relationship and choose to do things your own way, you are taking on far too much risk. Relationships are tough enough as it is. Don’t add fuel to the fire by inviting unnecessary risk.
Jesus was willing to pay the cost in order to establish a relationship with us. (Rom 5:8) But God shows His love to us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Jesus was willing to leave all that He had in heaven behind and give up His life in order that He might draw you to Himself. He paid the ultimate price to begin the relationship. In response, He requires that we pay a price in order to strengthen the relationship and experience all the sweetness that it has to offer. That price is our lives. (Rom 12:1 NKJV) I beseech you therefore…that you present your bodies a living sacrifice…(Gal 2:20 NKJV) "I have been crucified with Christ… You gentleman were willing to pay the cost to win your sweetheart. Now you pay to keep her and to grow your relationship. Are you willing to pay in order to enjoy a relationship with God?
2. Every relationship carries baggage with it. (vs.11,15)
Samson wanted the girl, but he didn’t want the things that came along with the relationship. At the wedding feast, Samson was assigned 30 companions. These guys were kind of like groomsmen. Or maybe they were like bodyguards whose job it was to keep tabs on Samson and make sure that he didn’t go where he wasn’t supposed to go.
They say that whenever you get married, you don’t just marry the person you love. You marry all the in-laws too. Samson wasn’t just marrying the girl, he was marrying her parents, her people – the Philistines – and her past.
Two little rascals stood behind the church door as a newly married couple was leaving the church. Said the first: "Shall I give them the fright of their lives?" "OK," said the second, "DO it!" The first little boy emerged from behind the door, and ran to the bridegroom with his arms outstretched. "Daddy!" he cried. "Daddy, it so good to see you!"
When you get married, there are an awful lot of things that you have no idea about in that person’s life. You don’t know which way they hang the toilet paper on the roll, or whether or not they put the toilet seat down. She doesn’t know what he wears around the house, and he doesn’t know what she wears on her face when she goes to bed.
Marriage Anonymous – When a guy who is single really gets the urge to get married, he sits down and dials this telephone number. And the people in Marriage Anonymous send an old hag over in an ugly nightgown and old tattered robe. Her hair is rolled up, her hose are rolled down, she’s got cold cream all over her face, and she nags him until he loses the desire to get married. – Tale of the tardy Oxcart, p. 364 Sometimes there are unsaid expectations that a wife has of her new husband because of the way that she saw her daddy treat his wife. Or maybe the husband expects that wife is going to do all the laundry, all the cooking, and all the cleaning because that’s what he saw his mother do for the family. In today’s society of divorce and re-marriage, it might be expectations that a person has because of the spouse that they had in a previous marriage. A minister said in church one day, "If there is anyone who knows of a truly perfect person, please stand up." After a long pause, a meek looking fellow in the back stood up. "Do you really know a perfect person?" asked the minister. "Yes, Sir, I do," answered the little man. "Would you please tell the congregation who this rare, perfect person IS?" pursued the minister. "Yes, Sir, my wife’s first husband."
It can get much worse than those things though. There could be physical or sexual abuse in the past, unpaid debts, children from a previous marriages, the involvement of ex’s in the relationship. Most people would probably never enter into a relationship if they knew about all the quirks and kinks that that other person has.
One of the things that I try to do when I counsel with people before they get married is find out as much as I can about their past. That way, I might be able to help them voice some of those expectations and expose some of those baggage items to make it a little less of a shock when two people actually do get married.
Everybody has baggage, and sometimes they dump their baggage on you right away. It gives you the option of walking away before you ever form a relationship. But most of the time, we carry our own baggage until we feel relatively sure that the relationship is strong enough to handle the weight. When somebody else dumps that baggage on you, how are you going to respond? Are you going to walk away and leave them standing there to clean up the mess? Or are you going to love them enough to help them carry the load? (Gal 6:2 NKJV) Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Unlike a human relationship where you might have to wait months or even years before you really know a person and know all their baggage, Jesus knows up front about all the baggage that you bring into the relationship with Him. There are no surprises. He knows about your past, your hang-ups, your secrets that no one else knows about, your failures – everything. But the thing is that even with all your baggage, he wants you anyway. (1 Pet 5:7 NKJV) casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. When he went to the cross, He carried your baggage with Him and paid for it all with His own blood.
3. Every relationship will place requirements on you. (vs.15 -18)
Because of the riddle that Samson gave to his thirty Philistine companions, he created tension between he and his new bride before they had even been married a week. They had their first squabble while they were still supposed to be celebrating their honeymoon. Each person in any relationship, marriage or not, comes into that relationship with a will. They have their own ideas about how things are going to be done. They have expectations of the other members of that relationship, things that they are required to do. When wills collide, and understood requirements are not met, that’s when tempers flare and fights break out.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had our FIRST fight together! What am I going to do?" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it’s not half as bad as you think. EVERY marriage has to have its first fight! In fact, you’ll have many more fights throughout your marriage!" "I know, I know," said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?" – Bible Illustrator
Samson and his new wife were having a battle of the wills. She wanted to know the answer to his riddle, but he didn’t want to give it up. He said that he hadn’t even told his parents what the answer was. What right did she have to require something of him that not even the ones who had given him birth and raised him required of him? Samson’s wife didn’t have the power to overcome his will and get him to do what she wanted through physical domination over him, so she used a different tactic. She used tears. Samson’s life illustrates a truth that is taught in Prov. 16:32: Better…a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. Samson, the strongest man in the world who could easily defeat a city on his own, didn’t have the strength to defeat the tears that flowed from his wife’s eyes. He allowed her to become his master.
A Mormon was talking to a Presbyterian. "All right" said the Mormon, "give me a single verse in the Bible that forbids polygamy!" The wise old Presbyterian replied: "No man can serve two masters!"
The great drops of water that flowed from his wife’s eyes eventually wore him down so that he could no longer endure and had to give in to the requirements that this relationship placed on him. And we all look at that and say, “Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!” Didn’t he know that she was going to turn around and give the answer to the guys who were his companions? Don’t go punishing Samson too much. Many of us guys have done some pretty stupid stuff for the attention and love of a woman. Love will make you do that. Things like serenading a girl from a tree during the middle of the night, or buying her Valentine’s presents with money that you don’t have, or doing a cartwheel over your scooter like one of the boys in my Bible class did.
When you get serious about a relationship with Jesus, He will place requirements on your life. He will require things of you that no one has ever required of you before – things that no one else has a right to require of you. When Jesus hung on the cross, he shed great drops of blood. He shed those drops of blood not to manipulate us into fulfilling some self-serving desire of His own. He made it very clear that He was not interested in serving Himself or being served by others while He was on earth, but He was interested in bringing salvation to mankind – to us, to you. The tears that his wife shed caused Samson to do what he would do for no one else. The drops of blood which Jesus shed should cause us to do for Him what we would do for no one else.
4. Not every relationship will reach the level you want it to. (vs.19, 20)
When things didn’t go the way that Samson wanted them to, he got angry, he allowed his anger to make him destructive, and then he walked away. Thinking that Samson would no longer want to have this woman as his wife because of the way that she betrayed him, Samson’s new father-in-law gave his daughter in marriage to someone else. Samson lost his new wife to his best man. He never saw this relationship reach to the potential that it could have.
Maybe you’ve been in a situation similar to Samson’s – not that your wife got given away to your best man even though that might be what you wish for from time to time – but that you entered a relationship with great expectations. You thought, “this is the one that I’m going to marry!” or, “This person will be one of those best-friends-for-life kind of person.” But things didn’t work out the way that you wanted. He married someone else, and she eventually moved away. Things didn’t progress to the level that you had hoped for. You know how it hurts.
In my college days, I spent some time as part of a mission team to inner-city Philadelphia. We would walk the streets of the inner-city every day, meeting people and talking to them about Jesus. One afternoon, I met Danny. He was a teenager. I introduced myself to him, talked with him a little bit, and then asked him if he had ever thought about what would happen to him when he died. He said that he hadn’t. I proceeded to tell him about Jesus – how He offers forgiveness for sin, how He loved Danny, and how that Jesus wanted to rescue him from hell and welcome into heaven. Danny listened intently. I could tell that the Holy Spirit was working on his heart, just like the Holy Spirit is working on someone else’s heart right now. He asked some questions, and he wrestled with the decision. He seemed to understand that this new relationship, though free to him, was going to cost him some things, was going to bring about some changes in other relationships that he had. That excited me that much more, because I knew that if Danny did make the decision to follow Christ, then he would do so fully understanding that it was going to be no easy ride. He would be committed, I believed. Danny didn’t make a decision that day. He put it off. We went back to Danny’s house every day that we could that summer. He was never there. After the school year started, we went back to Philadelphia to see some of the friends that we had made that summer and also to try one more time to see Danny to talk to him about Jesus. Again, Danny was not home. My heart broke for Danny because I saw the potential of a great relationship in him, but it was not to be. As far as I know, Danny never made the decision to follow Christ. Every time that I share the plan of salvation with a person and see them refuse that offer of forgiveness for themselves, my heart breaks for them and for Danny all over again.
Jesus hurts because some of you will never reach the depth of the relationship that He wants with you. For some of you, this is because you have never begun that relationship. You’re attracted to Jesus, but you’re not willing to introduce yourself to Jesus and invite Him to become the Lord and Savior of your life. Do that today. Begin the best relationship that you will ever experience – the only relationship that will never fail you. For others of you, you won’t reach the depth because you’re not willing to pay the cost. You’re not willing to give up your life to Jesus and do what He says no matter what. You’re saved – on your way to heaven – but you stopped at that point even though that was just the beginning point. You will never get to enjoy the sweetness of a long, growing enduring relationship while here on earth. You are content to keep Jesus at a distance. Samson was married, but he never got to enjoy married life. What a shame. But not as much of a shame as it would be if you became a child of God but never got to enjoy the pleasures that family life has to offer.
INVITATION
1. Begin a relationship with Jesus – get saved.
2. Deepen a relationship with Jesus – experience all the sweetness He has to offer.
3. Commit all your relationships to Jesus – do things the way that He commands in all the relationships that you have.
