August 20, 2000 Exodus 20:14
“Broken Rings”
INTRODUCTION
Some of you have accused me of telling really bad jokes over the course of the many times that you have heard me speak. But at least I don’t mess up as badly as one pastor did. [The young preacher was shocked to hear the well-known evangelist utter the words, "I have spent some of the happiest moments of my life in the arms of another man’s wife. Yes, I have spent some of the happiest moments of my life in the arms of another man’s wife." Then, following a pause, the evangelist added, "That woman was my mother." "I’ve got to use that!" the young pastor thought to himself. A few weeks later, as he was speaking to a civic group, the phrase leapt into his mind and he exclaimed, "I have spent some of the happiest days of my life in the arms of another man’s wife." Then, after another long pause, the young man muttered meekly, "But I can’t remember who she was."] At least I remember the punch line especially when not remembering the punch line can get you in an awful lot of trouble!
Did you know that commands #6 – thou shalt not kill - and #7 – thou shalt not commit adultery – have an awful lot to do with each other? Adultery has prompted murder in an awful lot of cases. Vera Czermak, of Prague, Czechoslovakia, discovered her husband was cheating on her. She contemplated both murder and suicide. Choosing the latter, she leaped out of a third-story window. She suffered only minor injuries, however, because she landed on her husband on the street below, killing him.
It was about nine o’clock at night. A man dashed into the doctor’s office in a highly nervous condition and explained to the doctor that he had been in a very bad state all day. The doctor, in his best professional manner, asked if anything had happened to shock or upset his nerves. "No," the man answered, "unless it was a letter I received this morning." He showed the doctor a letter which stated in part, "If you don’t stop running around with my wife, I’m going to blow your head off." The doctor answered, "Well, that’s a comparatively simple matter. Why don’t you just stop it?" The patient’s face fell as he said, "But, Doctor, the fool forgot to sign his name!"
“Returning from Sunday School one day, where the Ten Commandments had been the topic, a young boy asked his father, "Daddy, what does it mean when it says, ’Thou shalt not commit agriculture’?" [which was the son’s attempt to refer to the command against adultery.] There was hardly a beat between the question and [the father’s] smooth reply: "Son, that just means that you’re not supposed to plow the other man’s field," . . .” - Reader’s Digest, July 1979, p. 87
Several weeks ago, when Tammy and the kids were in Virginia, Dan and Stacey invited me to come over to their house for dinner on Sunday afternoon. I did two things on that day that I should not have attempted. I played against Dan in a game of foosball (which is table-top soccer) and a game of horse shoes. I had the bad habit of throwing the first ring short of the pin and then over-compensating and throwing the 2nd ring far beyond the pin. Dan beat me squarely in both games. I would highly recommend that if you ever get the chance to play against Dan, you demand that he give you a handicap before you ever begin. That’s the only way that you have a chance of winning.
I asked Dan to bring one of his horse shoes with him today because I think it is an accurate picture of what our topic today is all about. The goal of horse shoes is to get this horse shoe wrapped around a pole sticking up out of the ground and get it to stay there. It is a very difficult thing to do because of the fact that the shoe is open. Even if you get the shoe around the pole, there is no guarantee that it will stay there. It may fly on and off depending on where the momentum carries it. When you finally get that shoe to stay around the pole, it’s called a “ringer”. I have had many almost ringers in my horse shoe career, but few that have actually stuck.
Today we are dealing with Exodus 20:14 – Thou shalt not commit adultery. In every wedding that I have ever been a part of or witnessed, there has been some kind of ring exchange between the bride and groom. It has been said that “the wedding ring is that small piece of jewelry placed on the finger that cuts off your circulation.” It is supposed to be a constant reminder of the commitment that two persons have made to each other to be faithful to one another for the rest of their lives. Whether it is made of gold, titanium, or is just the bottle top off of a can of Coke, it is a symbol of a covenant. I am afraid though that marriages in America – marriages in Bridgeport, Clarksburg, Flemington, Lost Creek, Shinnston – are symbolized better today by a horse shoe than by a golden ring. Sometimes it sticks, and sometimes it doesn’t.
I began this morning with some funny stories because there isn’t a whole lot of humor or fun in the topic that we take up today. It is not a topic that I enjoy dealing with, but it is something that we must in order that we might find forgiveness for sin and in order that we might prevent this pain in our lives and in the lives of people that we love.
1. God is offended by more than just one type of adultery.
- Physical but not emotional (i.e. a one-night stand; chance encounter; prostitution) – no commitment; simply for the purpose of fulfilling a physical pleasure; easiest to justify in your own mind because you may still love your spouse, but you gave in to your impulses in a moment of weakness; because you still do love your spouse, this type may produce the most guilt; some would not classify this as being wrong – it’s just meeting a physical need just like eating food or drinking water) I would probably place the event between David and Bathsheba in this category.
- Emotional but not physical (i.e. someone that you have given your emotional heart to but would not consider the possibility of having sex with them, at least not at the beginning; a friend of the opposite sex at work with whom you share all those moments and feelings that you should be sharing with your spouse; you would rather spend a quiet Saturday afternoon with this person more than you would like to spend it with your spouse; though you’ve never had a sexual relationship with this person and might never in the future, you’ve thought about it) internet relationships would fit into this category
- Physical and emotional (i.e. someone who you have a continuing emotional relationship with [a friend] and a sexual relationship with. You would consider leaving your present spouse in order to be with this person on a long-term basis) This is probably the hardest one for a marriage to recover from. But It is not impossible through the healing work of Jesus Christ.
NOTE: Knowing most of you as well as I do, and knowing some of your past, I know that many of you have dealt with the pain that adultery brings into a marriage and a family. Your spouse may have cheated on you, your parent’s marriage may have broken up because of it, your children may be dealing with it in their lives even now, your brother or sister may have felt the pain of it. You may even be guilty of it right now. I wanted to stop right here for just a moment before we go any farther, and tell you that there is healing. There is forgiveness. There is restoration. The place where you can find all that is at the foot of Jesus. He who brought the dead back to life can surely give life to a dead marriage.
TRANS: Now, let’s look at 3 other kinds of adultery that you may not have thought about.
- Spiritual (Hosea 4:12-13)
Rev. 2:4 – God accused the church at Ephesus of having left their first love. Are you still in love with Jesus, or have you allowed someone or something to become the focus of your passion? Is there anything in your life that you are more passionate about than your relationship with Jesus?
Would you be satisfied with a husband or wife that was 85% faithful? NO! Yet, we expect God to be happy with us when we are less than 100% faithful to Him!
Spiritual adultery will result in physical adultery.
- Mental (Matthew 5:27-28)
Someone has once said, “You can’t stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can stop him from building a nest there.” One author that I read this week suggested that when you can’t seem to stop thinking about someone that you have seen, then stop and pray for that person. It’s kind of hard to think lustful thoughts about someone while you are praying for them.
Summertime is the most difficult time to maintain purity in your thought-life. The clothing is barely there sometimes. You and I have to make the same kind of commitment that Job talked about in Job 31:1. He said that he had made a commitment that he would not look at a woman lustfully or with desire in his heart. Have you made that kind of commitment, and are you working to make sure that commitment stands firm?
- Divorce and re-marriage (Matthew 5:32)
2. God sees the causes behind adultery. It’s time that we did too.
- Adultery comes from our minds. (Matt 5:27-28; 15:19)
The battle against adultery, like any other sin that we might commit, is fought in the mind. That’s why Paul considered it so important that we allow our minds to be transformed by God’s Word and God’s Spirit. (Rom. 12:1-2)
What you put into your mind will eventually make its way into your actions. So let me ask you a question. If I feed my mind a steady stream of pornography, what are my thoughts going to be centered on, and what am I eventually going to do? If I feed my mind a steady stream of TV and movies in which sexual scenes and husbands and wives cheating on one another are a normal thing, guess what the result is going to be? Wives, you should have a major problem with your husband seeing a movie which shows the semi or completely naked body of another woman. It should send up red flags for you, and you should tell him to stop it immediately. Wives, you need to hover over your husband’s shoulder whenever he is on the internet. That keeps him safe, and it keeps your marriage safe. Put the computer in a room where everyone can see what is on the screen at all times.
Someone has said, “We’re usually in bed with a person in our mind before we actually commit adultery.” (Where is Moses when we need him? P. 177)
(2 Cor 10:5) – “ . . . bringing every thought into captivity to Christ . . .“
- Adultery comes from our sense of arrogance.
“Those laws don’t apply to me!”
“I can do this without having to pay any consequences!”
The minister rose to address his congregation. "There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another man’s wife. Unless he puts fifty dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit next Sunday." The next day, the treasurer opened the collection box. There were eighteen fifty dollars notes, and a twenty dollars note with this scribbled note attached: "Other thirty pay day."
Do you flirt with other men or women? If you do, then you are playing with fire. (Prov. 6:27-28) “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?” Don’t fool yourself. When you start down this road, there are going to be consequences to every action no matter if it began as an innocent gesture or not.
Can I make a suggestion to you? Don’t buy little gifts for other persons at your workplace unless it is a gift from you AND your spouse and the recipient is aware that it is a gift from both of you. Don’t go out of your way to do nice little gestures for co-workers of the opposite sex at your work-place or in your neighborhood. It might be totally innocent to you, but it might get thoughts brewing in their minds. That may sound harsh, but there needs to be some kind of wall between you and persons of the opposite sex to prevent things that you never intended to happen from happening. Have you ever heard someone say, “It just happened”. NOTHING just happens. What happened may not have been what you wanted, but there were steps that led up to it. (James 1:14-15) but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
“It won’t happen to me. I’m above that.”
I made a commitment early on in my ministry, and I follow this commitment today that I will not transport another woman alone in my car when my wife is not present. I know that I am not above falling, so I’m not going to put myself in a dangerous position like that. (1 Cor 10:6 – “. . . take heed lest he fall . . .”; Gal 6:1 – “Ye that are spiritual, restore such a one, considering thyself lest thou also be tempted.”)
- Adultery comes from our dissatisfaction and unthankfulness for where we are and what we have. (Phil 4:11-13; Heb. 13:4; 1 Thes. 5:18)
Hilde Houlding, coordinator of the Calgary Family Service Bureau’s counseling division, describes an affair in this way: An affair is often an attempt to find a little bit of paradise on the side, pursuing the belief that if one just finds the right sexual partner there will be instant happiness and everything will fall into place. An affair is often able to fulfill this myth until it itself becomes a relationship that has to be worked at and looked at in a long-term light. Seen in this way "paradise" soon becomes a prison.
We somehow have the idea that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Do you know why the grass is greener? It’s because the person on the other side of the fence has been worker harder on his lawn than you have. You could have green grass too if you were willing to do the work and pay the cost!
- Adultery comes from our failure to recognize it as sin against God. (Lev. 20:10; Psalm 51)
God expects exclusivity in marriage because He expects exclusivity in our relationship with Him. The marriage relationship is supposed to be a picture of our relationship with Him. That’s why He is so offended by broken marriages. They mar the picture that He intended of one woman and one man in love with each other for their whole lives, willing to sacrifice anything and everything for the benefit of the other.
Adultery is not just a matter of one spouse sinning against the other. It is a matter of sinning against Almighty God who is your Creator and will one day be your Judge! (Heb. 13:4)
Adultery is an offense against God because it destroys trust. It is the breaking of a vow that two people have made with each other. When a trust that heart-felt is betrayed, it makes it that much harder for persons to trust in God and believe that He will fulfill all that He has promised.
- Adultery comes from our devaluing of commitment. (Psalm 15:4)
“Commitment is viewed negatively because it limits our ability to feel independent and free, to experience new things, to change our minds on the spur of the moment and to focus on self-gradification rather than helping others. People willingly make commitments only when the expected outcome exceeds what they must sacrifice as a result of that commitment.” - George Barna, The Frog in the Kettle, (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1990), 35.
- Adultery comes from our over-emphasis on personal pleasure. (Eph. 5:18; Gal 5:19-23)
- Adultery comes from our laziness in building a love relationship with the one we committed ourselves to.
3. God has given us tools to prevent adultery in our lives. NOTE: as I was working on this message this week, I asked myself how these words are going to apply to persons whose spouse has been dead for a long time, to persons who are not married because of age or life situation, or to persons who are at the age where physical adultery is not really an issue any more. Pay close attention to this section, because here’s where you come in.
- Pray for yourselves and others. The dangers to marriages today are greater than they have ever been!
Internet pornography and the ability to develop relationships with other people through chat rooms. No accountability, no responsibility, and no need for truthfulness. No work involved except typing.
The number of adult bookstores and exotic bars in the United States outnumbers the number of McDonald’s restaurants! It’s true in Bridgeport!
The U.S. produces 150 pornographic movies every week!
Some of you in this room have been faithful to your spouse for decades. Pray for the younger couples in our church that their marriages will be just as strong. Some of you are not yet married. Pray that God will build in you the character and the patience that you need in order for you to be faithful to your spouse. Parents, pray that God will send godly men and women into your children’s lives for them to marry and that their marriages will be strong.
- Teach your children – that’s what Solomon did. Let your children see how much you love your spouse. Let them see you hug one another. Kiss in front of them. They’’ll think it’s gross, but it will also give them a sense of security knowing that momma and daddy love each other. Teach your children age-appropriate information about sex and how to relate to persons of the opposite sex. I have materials that are tactfully produced from a Christian perspective that will help you talk about sensitive topics with your children. They are going to learn about sex somewhere. Would you rather they learn about it in the bathroom at school, in the back seat of a car, or from you – their loving parents?
- Watch out for warning signs – As you examine yourself, ask yourself this question – who is on my mind more – my spouse or that girl at work who laughs at my jokes, winks when I pass by and is always dressed so nicely? Remember, adultery starts in the thoughts. You can stop it before it starts by changing what you think about. Church family, pay attention to the couples in the church. Take note of the way that they interact with one another. If you start to get an indication that things are not what they should be, step in and make an inquiry.
- Give your spouse emotional intimacy – For families that have young children, emotional intimacy is almost a thing of the past. It’s difficult to carry on a conversation about what went on that day much less about anything of any significance or to talk about feelings. Dating has become a thing of the past either because of money or because there is no one to watch the kids. It‘s going to take some work and some planning, but you must find a way to schedule time to spend together alone so that you can continue to build that relationship that you began when you were dating. You who don’t have children at home anymore, adopt a couple in the church. Volunteer to keep their children every now and then so that they can spend a nice quiet evening together at home. Maybe even give them a little cash so that they can go out for a romantic evening.
- Build a love relationship with Jesus – What in the world does that have to do with my marriage? EVERYTHING!! (Matt. 6:33) My relationship with Jesus is the hub of my life. When that is right, then every other relationship will be right. Being in right relationship with Jesus will make me a better father, a better husband, a better person. It will make me more patient, more giving, more thoughtful, more sacrificial, more caring. When that relationship is wrong, then every other relationship will be wrong. It will make me selfish, angry, pushy, unthankful. Remember, spiritual adultery leads to physical and emotional adultery.
- Give complete control to the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:22-23) Enable you to LOVE your spouse more; enable you to have JOY in your relationship; enable you to have PEACE even when things are not going as well as you would like; enable you to have SELF-CONTROL when there is an opportunity for you to be unfaithful to your spouse . . .
4. God offers hope to those who have already given in to temptation.
- Admit that what you have done is sinful.
- Believe that Jesus death on the cross is sufficient to provide payment for your sin.
- Confess your sin to God and other affected parties, and seek forgiveness.
- Determine that you will make the changes necessary so that it does not happen again.
CONCLUSION
“This letter appeared in a Ann Landers column and I would like to share it with you.
Dear Ann: Please print this letter for all the women who are having affairs with married men. Most of them believe they aren’t doing any harm. They say they are filling a need for some love-starved, neglected husband and no one is being hurt. I would like to set the record straight, and I hope you will help me by printing this:
Dear Other Woman: Your current sleeping companion has probably given you the impression that he is the greatest father in the world. Let me tell you the truth. He missed most of the Little League games this year because he was with you. He missed his daughter’s dance recital last Tuesday and parents’day at school on Thursday because he was with you. He was with you when his son broke his arm, and I had to take the boy to the hospital myself. I can’t tell you the number of family get-togethers I have attended without him because he had to "work late."
He is never around to help with the children’s homework because he has to be with "an important client." (That’s you). In case you think he’s loaded, the money he spends entertaining you comes out of our children’s college fund.
Women like you are home wreckers. How wonderful it would be if you and your kind told those married men who make passes, "You should be ashamed of yourself. Go on home where you belong, and pay attention to your wife and family. You made a commitment. Now live up to it." - His Wife In Maryland
INVITATION
Maybe I’m speaking to someone who says this message doesn’t apply to me. I’ve never committed adultery and never will. First, let me say, you have committed adultery. All of us have. Every time we sin, we put something or someone in the place in Jesus alone should occupy. Make sure that Jesus is still your first love, your greatest passion. Second, I would say, watch out. Let him that is standing right now be very careful that he does not fall. No one is above falling to this temptation given the right set of circumstances. Be ware.
Maybe I’ve been speaking to someone this morning that has been guilty of adultery against your spouse either in your mind, your emotions or with your body. You need to seek God’s forgiveness. Joan and Amie sang the song this morning “Grace greater than our sin.” God’s grace, His ability to forgive, cleanse and restore, is greater than any sin that we might commit. He is willing to forgive. In 1 Cor. 6:9-11, Paul said that many of the believers at that church had been adulterers, but they had been washed, they had been forgiven, they had been changed. You can be forgiven too.
Maybe I am speaking to someone who has experienced the pain of adultery because you were the one that was cheated on. God can heal your pain – He can even heal your marriage – but only if you are willing to forgive both your spouse and the person that they were with. If God can forgive them, do you really think that you have the right to hold a grudge, the seek revenge, to withhold your love? To the same extent that you forgive others, you will be forgiven the sins that you commit.
