Relationships in the Kingdom – Part 3
May 6, 2001
INTRODUCTION
When I was a junior in high school my Mom informed me that my sister and her husband of 10 years were getting a divorce. This was new to me. Really no one in my family - none of my aunts and uncles – none of my cousins had gone through a divorce. Everybody had just sort of been family. That was about to change.
I watched as holidays changed – my nieces celebrated Christmas with us and then with their dad.
What amazed me was how much the rest of us hurt when we weren’t even the ones going through the divorce. I couldn’t imagine what Melody was feeling.
I doubt there is anything we could talk about today that has caused more hurt to the collective group assembled here than this topic of divorce. It has touched every family in some way.
In December of 1999 George Barna released the findings of a study showing, 25% of all American adults have undergone a divorce. Christians don’t fare any better – in fact they fare worse. The same study showed that 27 percent of born-again Christians have been divorced - actually beats the national average by 2 points.
When you look at those associated with non-denominational Protestant churches: 34% of those adults have undergone a divorce.
Even though divorce is fairly common, It’s also incredibly painful…
You’re probably familiar with stress charts that show the levels of stress caused by various occurrences in our lives. Studies reveal divorce is more stressful than any other single event except the death of a spouse. It causes more stress than being fired, more stress than a jail term, and more stress than the death of a close friend and a mortgage foreclosure combined.
At least death brings some closure – it’s over. With divorce it’s never over. Your former spouse is still out there somewhere, walking around, and in most cases dealing with you. The pain just keeps coming.
God never wanted people to experience the pain of divorce.
God’s intention for marriage explains His view of divorce.
Read Matthew 5:31-32
31“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
JESUS’ THREE IMPORTANT DISTINCTIONS
TRANSITION: In Jesus teaching on divorce he makes three important distinctions from how people commonly view divorce. Let’s learn from these for a moment. The first distinction is one of …
1. Perspective
People have a preoccupation with the grounds for divorce
Jesus has a passion for marriage in all its fullness.
In talking about divorce, Jesus was taking on a very hotly debated issue. At that very time a controversy concerning acceptable grounds for divorce existed between two rival Rabbi-training schools.
Rabbi Shammai took the conservative line – the right winger. He founded his teaching on Deuteronomy 24:1, where Moses allowed for divorce, but Shammai believed the only acceptable reason for getting one was what the Scripture said - some grave marital offense – or an act of absolute indecency – such as adultery.
Rabbi Hillel, on the other hand, adopted a much more lax position. And by the way, his was the most widely accepted point of view. He believed the statement of Moses applied to a man “who desires to be divorced from his wife for any cause whatsoever.” We’re talking superliberal here. For example, a man could divorce his wife,
If she spoiled his dinner by adding too much salt
If she were seen in public with her head uncovered
If she talked with other men on the street
If she spoke disrespectfully to her husbands parents
If she became plain-looking compared with another woman who seemed more beautiful in her husband’s opinion
Unbelievable! These are all examples of reasons for divorce that were acceptable in Jesus day. We may laugh, but how different is this from today? Don’t people still divorce for just about any and every reason imaginable?
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend’s house."
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."
Currently, every state in the union except South Dakota has some sort of law in place allowing for what is commonly called “no fault divorce.” Which essentially means couples can divorce for any and all reasons or no reason at all. The prevailing view in Jesus’ day is still the prevailing view in ours.
I wonder what Jesus would say to us today?
So the question for Jesus was, “In which camp are you? The strict camp or the one with a little give and take?” Matthew 19 says it like this:
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:3-6)
Jesus wasn’t as much concerned about the grounds for divorce as he was marriage in all its fullness.
He cited Genesis 2, where it says a husband and wife become one flesh. God’s intent in marriage is a union of two people that is deeper than even the union or bond of parents and children, or any other relationship. Two become one flesh.
We may say…
I would do anything for my children
I would be willing to die for my children
No one will ever be able to take my children away from me
I’ll do whatever it takes to give my children the best opportunities in life
Great! Shows a lot of love. A lot of commitment.
But how much more should we be saying things about our spouses? I mean our children are just our children – we love them, but it’s not like we’re one flesh with them or anything.
God’s design in marriage is that no matter what – husband and wife are one. One flesh. A permanent relationship.
You and I must start here in your understanding of marriage. No relationship exists with anyone like the your relationship with your spouse. The relationship may be damaged.
It may seem like it is beyond repair. But in the eyes of God, your spouse can’t stop being your spouse any more than your daughter can stop being your daughter or your brother can stop being your brother.
God gives us this relationship. We shouldn’t be frustrated he doesn’t want us to get divorced. We should rejoice that he gives us something as wonderful as marriage!
Jesus’ second important distinction is one of…
2. Focus
People focus on how to divorce properly.
Jesus sees divorce as a regrettable concession
Listen to what Jesus reminded the people in Matthew 5:31: It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’
A man was generally thought to be righteous or good in the matter of divorce if he gave his wife a written statement of divorce. She, at least, then could prove she was unmarried. This allowed her to defend herself against adultery if found with a man, seek marriage to another, or make her living as a prostitute.
As long as you gave your wife “pink slip” you were being a good guy as you shoved her out the door so you could welcome home a new wife, more to your present liking.
People in Jesus day saw this issue of giving divorce papers as a command. That’s what they focused on. But Jesus saw the whole issue of divorce as a regrettable concession.
Once again in Matthew 19, after Jesus has explained God’s intention for marriage, here’s the question brought back to him in return…
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
A concession because hearts were hard. Because people just couldn’t accept that God wanted marriage to be a permanent deal. So because of these hard hearts, Moses allowed divorce only in the most extreme situations.
A true case of being given an inch and taking a mile. Now Jesus explains the inch itself was only a concession.
How we see this today?
I’m afraid we often see that divorce can be done, but perhaps we don’t as often see that it shouldn’t be done except in extreme cases.
We know divorce isn’t always wrong, so maybe we figure it wouldn’t be wrong in our situation too. In tough times divorce becomes our ace in the hole. Our ray of light – divorce can be done. I don’t have to stay in this marriage. I don’t have to. Other people do this. How bad can it be?
And without minimizing the fact that some of you may be one of those exceptional cases with your marriage, many of us, however, in times of turbulence begin wondering if our marriage could qualify for divorce in God’s eyes.
And the thoughts turn to how to do this properly, instead of remembering that God really doesn’t want divorce at all.
In Malachi 2:6, there is this reminder: “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel” That would include ugly divorces as well as those that seem like they were done very legally, with great civility, or very properly.
Application – We have to remember that divorce is a regrettable concession. It is an option, but it doesn’t have to be exercised. Our laws allow us to sue people and take them to court, yet most of us make through life without going that route. Just because we can doesn’t mean we need to.
Illustration – Kim and I have some friends whose marriage was rocked by an affair. One of the individuals had been unfaithful, and the other, of course being very wronged was angry enough to seek a divorce. But they worked and they worked and they worked at reconciliation, and they are still married today with a beautiful family. They just wouldn’t quit. Watching the whole thing was amazing.
They refused to concede. We can learn a lot from them.
The third distinction Jesus makes is one of…
3. Understanding
People tend to regard divorce lightly
Jesus knows how serious it really is.
Divorce disrupts a natural unit in a way that harms its members for life, no matter how much worse it would have been to stay together.
Life runs in natural cycles (by God’s design) that cannot be disrupted without significant damage to the individuals involved.
Barbara Dafoe Whitehead says this in The Divorce Culture: "Divorce has brought a steady weakening of the primary human relationships and bonds. Men’s and women’s relationships are becoming more fleeting and unreliable. Children are losing ties to their fathers. Even a mother’s love is not forever." She concluded that if we are to "dismantle the culture of divorce," we need to "treat divorce as a morally as well as socially consequential event." (“The Christian Divorce Culture,” Christianity Today, 9-4-00)
In other words, something this serious can’t be treated lightly.
Of course when there are problems, it’s tough to stay together, but to think that divorce makes things easier or better is being shortsighted. Financially its harder than staying married, parenting gets harder, celebrating holidays gets harder. To get a divorce, legal fees are involved, you’ll have to take time off work, your health will probably suffer, and then it’s never completely over. Except in extreme cases divorce is a no easier way of life than staying married.
It’s like the guy who once said, “Instead of getting divorced I’m just going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”
And believe it or not, it would still be easier than divorce.
Jim Smoke said, “Getting married is like buying a phonograph record: you buy it for what’s on one side, but you have to take the flip side too. Getting divorced is like getting the hole in the record.” (in Tale of the Tardy Oxcart, Chuck Swindoll, p. 168)
Divorce can’t be taken lightly – and the most serious reason why, says Jesus, is because, except in extreme cases, divorce leads to adultery.
Matthew 5:32 - But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
These words create a lot of controversy, but taking them as they stand, here is what we know.
If a person’s intent is to divorce so that they are then free to marry someone else, that’s adultery.
To give up on one relationship just so you can start another – that’s sin.
Upon hearing Jesus talk about how divorce as commonly practiced was unacceptable, in Matthew 19:10 –His disciples say, “If that’s how things are, it’s better not to get married at all!”
In other words, “Man, no one wants to be that trapped in a relationship. What if things don’t work out?”
I almost picture Jesus slapping his forehead in frustration. “You just don’t get it do you? You’ve taken divorce so lightly that you’ve missed how beautiful God wants your marriage to be!”
What you and I have to do is take our marriage vows more seriously. Become people of our word. If we promised, “Til death do us part,” then a promise is a promise.
And problems in a marriage must find solutions – and God has the solutions because He’s not going to leave any of us stranded in what He intends to be an incredibly fulfilling way to live.
You want countercultural revolution? You’ve got it baby! It just doesn’t get much countercultural than this.
You’re single? Start working on your heart of love right now. Live the Beatitudes every day. If you’d like to get married someday they’ll help you be the kind of mate that enjoys a sizzling hot marriage of romance, passion and Christlike service.
You’re already married? Great. Love your mate’s socks off!
Jesus wants you to have a radically strong marriage.
I know some of you still have a rebel streak in you. Jesus is calling you to rebel against the conventional wisdom of culture holding on to your marriage tooth and nail.
Someone once said, “There are two processes that must never be started prematurely: embalming and divorce.”
Don’t take divorce lightly. Don’t get started down the path prematurely. Instead – love, love, love.
TRANSITION: I’ve mentioned several times that there are some exceptional cases where divorce is not a sin. Some of you may have suffered through such a relationship, or be in one right now. So, for a moment, let’s consider this…
WHEN DOES GOD ALLOW DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE?
There are three situations where the Bible clearly says we can divorce and remarry (from Chuck Swindoll, When it All Comes Tumbling Down, booklet).
1. When a mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with a marriage partner (Matthew 5:32 and 19:9) – yet always better to reconcile
2. When marriage and divorce occur before salvation (2 Corinthians 5:17 – new creation)
3. When the mate is an unbeliever and willingly and permanently deserts the believing partner (1 Corinthians 7:12ff).
But, we must also admit there are some additional complex situations where knowing God’s will can be complicated.
There are certainly other ways of being unfaithful to a spouse and family that do not involve adultery. For instance, sometimes circumstances involving abuse place spouses and children in a position of grave danger. Substance abuse is another special circumstance. Let me repeat, reconciliation is always, always what God wants. It is undoubtedly what any follower of Jesus Christ wants for his or her marriage.
But sometimes reconciliation doesn’t come, does it. And divorces happen. Even when one party doesn’t really want the divorce.
And in every divorce, regardless of the circumstances (even more so when believers are involved) there is generally more than enough guilt.
And, yet I know, this teaching from Jesus we’ve heard today puts guilt into the hearts of many. Maybe you divorced improperly and the guilt is there for a reason. Let’s look at this for a moment…
DEALING WITH THE GUILT OF DIVORCE
God’s view of marriage and divorce tells us these things…
If you were the innocent party and sought a divorce that fell within scriptural guidelines, then see the guilt as a tool of Satan to destroy your walk with God.
If your partner asked you for a divorce or forced it upon you, admit there might have been more you could have done, but then there always is. Once again, recognize the devil at work.
If it happened before you became a Christian, it is a dead issue. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
If as a Christian you divorced unscripturally, the fact God was not pleased, and that He viewed your remarriage (if so) as an act of adultery does not mean you cannot be forgiven. Because you can.
TRANSITION: God’s intention for marriage explains his view of divorce. He really wants people to fully enjoy all that life with a mate has to offer, and avoid the pain of putting an end to what was meant for a lifetime.
CONCLUSION
One of the more amazing love stories I have ever heard is the story of our very own Craig and Kathryn Chval. They were going to be here today to share some words in person, but at the last minute unfortunately needed to go out of town. Craig wrote some words that he is allowing me to share in his absence:
“The day I moved out of our house was a beautiful day, but I’m surprised I even noticed, let alone remember. You could have said that our marriage of 10 years was dead long ago, but there was something about carrying my clothes and possessions out of our house that made the death seem more real.
There were no more tomorrows. No more chances to be the kind of husband or father that I should have been. The kind of husband or father that, somewhere, deep down inside, I wanted to be. It was over.”
Craig goes on to talk about how as the divorce was being finalized, he realized he needed to seek forgiveness big time. First and foremost from God. He hadn’t attended church for years, but now he really wanted to find a church home. A friend suggested a church near his house, and he started to attend. He took his children with him when he could. One Sunday, he remembers hearing these words in the sermon: “God can heal broken marriages.” Somehow he got the courage to ask his now ex-wife, Kathryn, to attend church with him. She agreed to attend!
Craig goes on to say:
“God continued to work in our lives. Through wonderful ministry and pastoral counseling, Kathy and I received healing for our guilt and anger. Eventually Kathy relented and accepted my persistent requests – she asked me to marry her again.
Today we have a beautiful marriage centered on Jesus Christ. Kathy refuses to say that God rebuilt our marriage. She says it was never built in the first place. I agree with her.
It is overwhelming to think about what God has done in our lives. He has once again proven Himself to be a God of love, a God of hope, a God of forgiveness and a God of mercy. He has once again proven His incomparable power in fixing something so terribly broken and making it better than it ever was.”
That’s the love God has for us
Love that says, “Though you’ve strayed, I’ll take you back.” And you are welcome to come to Him right now.
