January 6, 2002
There is a strange dichotomy which exists on the sexual frontier in America. Recently Ann Landers received 100,000 responses to a question she asked her readers. She found that 72% of women said they would be content just to be held close and treated tenderly and forget about the sex act.
The dichotomy is stated thusly:
In a culture pervasive with, and arguably obsessed by sex -- sex is not what the average person desires most.
The Disturbing Trends of our Culture’s Worldview
This dichotomy highlights a disturbing truth – God created sex and marriage, and today’s culture misses God’s purpose by a mile. Just this week I received two postcards in the mail. The slick, brightly-colored first card read:
Now, Russell Brownworth, you can receive the next
12 issues of PLAYBOY at 60% off the regular rate.
Great reading at discount prices!
Great reading – yeah…right!
The second card was almost stuck behind the first. The look was the same, and it was also colorful; it was a subscription ad for the monthly magazine of the Christian Organization, Men of Integrity. Hugh Heffner is NOT a member – trust me!
It was a reminder to me, a Christian man, how dark the darkness is in our generation. To stand in our society today with purity and integrity as your goals means you stand out like a naked sheep at a wolves’ convention. It is not for those in love with the comfort zone!
Each day my computer speaks to me – Welcome, you’ve got mail. When I look over the list of messages there are always several from sites your grandmother never told you about. I have been invited to participate in things my truck-driving father-in-law never heard about.
The television screen has become a sexual minefield in American pop culture. The obsession to push the envelope seems to grow each week. The envelope of homosexuality as an acceptable alternative lifestyle was ripped open by Ellen DeGeneres, an openly lesbian comedian. RoseAnn Barr helped that along with “the kiss”. Friends is a show that “normalizes” hetero/homosexual friendships.
Media pop culture caricatures of Christianity routinely include depicting clergy and committed lay believers as buffoons, prudes – Victorian leftovers, hopelessly out of touch with the real world.
Each time (it seems) those who are driving the pop culture wheels want to push the envelope, the word “groundbreaking” is used. It truly is breaking new ground, and we are planting a sexual obsession crop, from which we will reap the whirlwind of judgment.
If it’s NOT all about sex – what DO we want?
Down in the human heart what is craved is intimacy! God created us in his own image. When He said “it is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen 2.18a), He was making a statement about himself. We are just like almighty God, in that intimacy of relationship is our primary need.
That is why pop culture is so off-base when it presents sex as the primary avenue to happiness. Many young people today have marriage blow up in their faces because they’ve been convinced/trained that romance is the substance of human relationships. It is a perverse worldview.
A pastor visited the fourth-grade Sunday School class to talk about marriage. He asked the class, "What does God say about marriage?" Immediately one boy replied, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Today that is not a funny thing. It is a sadly accurate commentary on the world’s view of marriage.
TELL ME A BETTER WAY
I have spent a few frustrating Christmas eves putting together toys. One year I put together a swing set that had assembly directions which, I’m positively certain, the devil himself wrote. I recall crying out (about 2am) There has to be a better way!
When it comes to marriage, sex, and the better way, God wrote the directions; he sent them to us in a letter written by a good friend of mine. The directions contain instructions for questions that you face when you are between the marital rock and hard place.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT PURITY
1Now about the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to live a celibate life. 2But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. First Corinthians 7.1-2 -- The New Living Translation
One pastor summed up the skewed notion the world has: that Christians are against sex. Wrong. We are very much for sex in the right context, in the context of marriage. As someone said, "Sex is like fire. In the fireplace, it’s warm and delightful. Outside of the fireplace, it’s destructive."
A good relationship with one’s spouse prevents sexual immorality. Paul would agree with the fellow who said, "I’m not tempted to steal a Ford Escort parked on the street because I have a Lincoln Continental at home in the garage."
The bottom line about purity is that prior to marriage, people are to be abstinent; once married, we are to be totally faithful.
To a person who ventures into a church for the first time, having been raised in the prevailing culture that accepts, even applauds sex before marriage, the statement of abstinence simply sounds like a STD (sexually-transmitted-disease) commercial. Rather it is God’s standard.
It is also good common sense. In every way, bringing virginity to the marriage altar is a plus. Current studies prove divorce rates are higher among those who cohabit before marriage. Multiple sexual partners do not help determine compatibility; in fact that practice is confusing and leaves one empty – at best! Like abortion, sexual activity prior to marriage leaves recriminations and scars.
“Two becoming one” (Genesis 2) requires preparation, teaching from the home and church, and it requires purity for the partnership.
WHAT TO BRING TO THE PARTNERSHIP
3The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. 4The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. 5So do not deprive each other of sexual relations. The only exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and wife to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time, so they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterward they should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt them because of their lack of self-control. 6This is only my suggestion. It’s not meant to be an absolute rule. 7I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others he gives the gift of singleness.
8Now I say to those who aren’t married and to widows--it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. First Corinthians 7.3-9 -- The New Living Translation
Paul was a senior citizen by the time he penned these words. He recognized the difference between his thoughts, and the commands God gave him. Having served the Lord for more than 20 years, Paul’s thoughts followed a godly track.
Notice the full partnership of Paul’s suggestion – the wife gives all of herself to her husband, as does the husband for the wife. Even when there is a time for ceasing sexual intimacy it is with mutual consent of the partners. The “headache” jokes are legion – they are also no laughing matter. Paul helps us understand the heart of God concerning the marital partnership. Ladies and Gentlemen, I assure you, and adjure you by the Word of God, don’t ever “bail” on your spouse when it comes to sex, because it is sin. Don’t give excuses!
If you stood in a ceremony before God, you took an oath to cherish – the word means “love” in the sense of unselfishly sharing all. In this context it means you give up the right to manipulate. Now, this doesn’t mean that you should engage in intimacy simply without thought. If there are difficulties that prevent you from giving yourself fully, it is just as wrong to participate halfheartedly as to develop a convenient headache. What Paul implies in this partnership is that we be honest.
Paul understands (because God gave him the wisdom) how volatile and important sexual intimacy is to human beings. And he understood the potential for sin connected with the natural sex drive God placed within us…It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. The whole point is that sexual intimacy in this partnership called marriage can be the greatest ally in strengthening and deepening the relationship – or it can be the wedge that ends it!
So, Christians are anything but wet blankets when it comes to sex. We just have the joy of inside information on God’s partnership instruction. It teaches us how important it is to first keep all our relationship issues – communication, honesty, unselfishness, consideration – keep ‘em all as short accounts, up-to-date and strong. In so-doing we can enter the realm of sexual intimacy unhindered by grudges and hurt feelings. We can do so with the freedom and joy God intended.
And Paul finished off the thought by telling us if we can’t do that, it’s better not to get married in the first place. But, what happens if you’ve already gotten married, and there’s no meeting of the mind on all that? What if you or your partner, or both can’t bring purity and the concept of partnership to the marriage? What then?
WHY IT SHOULD BE PERMANENT
10Now, for those who are married I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord.[1] A wife must not leave her husband. 11But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else go back to him. And the husband must not leave his wife.
First Corinthians 7.10-11 -- The New Living Translation
It is no secret that we live in what is arguably the most separated society this nation has ever known. Families are pulled apart at greater than a 50% divorce rate. I am blessed to say I can agree with the child who was quoted in Marriage Partnership: “I’m lucky my parents have stayed together. Unlike so many of my friends, I’ve never had to cry on a holiday.”
Now, that does not mean I have not been touched harshly by divorce. Many of my friends and family have suffered through divorce – including some of you.
In counseling I have wept with too many over the brokenness that inevitably describes the process. It is not unlike death, in that the relationship dies. One dear one shared with me that, for her, it was worse than death. “At least when someone dies,” she said, “you go to the grave, and it’s over. When he left me for that woman I didn’t get to bury him. The corpse still has visiting rights.”
There is too much to divorce to deal with in one sermon. However, note that those of us who have managed to stay with our first spouse have much for which to be thankful; we have precious little about which to brag. God’s grace! Therefore, we are not here to judge those who have experienced first-hand the heartbreak. We are here to help each other though the struggles.
We are also here to remind all of us that God’s Word says, stick it out! Do your best, in prayer, resolving often, reaching out, up and in to find strength to stay with the one you married. Problems are a natural part of life – and life shared with another human being of unlike chromosomes complicates the process. And as you struggle, remember what one well-known pastor said, “Every struggle we have that could be used as an excuse to separate or divorce is the very material God wants us to use to create intimacy in our marriage.” Friends, struggles in your marriage are the very entry portals to intimacy. God said marriage is to be permanent, because you don’t walk through some doors in thirty minutes and six commercials. It’s not TV, its life.
WHY YOU NEED PERSISTENCE
12Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man[2] has a wife who is an unbeliever and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13And if a Christian woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not have a godly influence, but now they are set apart for him. 15(But if the husband or wife who isn’t a Christian insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is not required to stay with them, for God wants his children to live in peace.) 16You wives must remember that your husbands might be converted because of you. And you husbands must remember that your wives might be converted because of you.
17You must accept whatever situation the Lord has put you in, and continue on as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.
First Corinthians 7.12-17 -- The New Living Translation
Author and business leader Fred Smith writes: One of my treasured memories comes from a doughnut shop in Grand Saline, Texas. There was a young farm couple sitting at the table next to mine. He was wearing overalls and she a gingham dress. After finishing their doughnuts, he got up to pay the bill, and I noticed she didn’t get up to follow him. But then he came back and stood in front of her.
She put her arms around his neck, and he lifted her up, revealing that she was wearing a full-body brace. He lifted her out of her chair and backed out the front door to the pickup truck, with her hanging from his neck. As he gently put her into the truck, everyone in the shop watched. No one said anything until a waitress remarked, almost reverently, "He took his vows seriously."
Sometimes life puts you in a body brace. Sometimes the husband just leaves. Sometimes the wife just wishes he would. Sometimes…! If you are here today, breathing, and part of the human race, you are either:
just coming through a problem,
in the middle of a problem,
a candidate for a problem.
The statistic is one-out-of-one in the human race; problems are part of the condition. I believe Paul wrote the passage so that any of us can see the obvious benefit in persistence. A man stopped to watch a Little League baseball game. He asked one of the youngsters what the score was. "We’re losing 18-0," was the answer.
"Well," said the man. "I must say you don’t look discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy said, puzzled. "Why should we be discouraged? We ain’t been to bat yet."
Sometimes that describes all of us. A pastor stepped to the pulpit one Sunday morning and said, "I can’t be your pastor anymore. I’m sorry." My tiny congregation stared back in shock. Pastor Anthony Laird now lives in Tucson, Arizona. This is his true story; listen – and think about your marriage vows…
In 1985, I’d moved to this promising community to start a church. I’d expected forty people at the inaugural worship service -- fourteen showed up. Not until I decided to leave did our church average forty in attendance.
The low figure wasn’t for lack of hard work. I didn’t know as much as I’d thought I did, and ministry was much harder than I had anticipated. So I quit. Since then, I’ve learned some powerful lessons -- ones I wish I’d known before I quit.
I WISH I’D KNOWN HOW MUCH PEOPLE LOVED ME
I’d believed the primary reason for anyone to love me was for producing results as a leader. The day I resigned I began to learn how much people loved me for who I WAS, not what I DID.
I WISH I’D KNOWN HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM
After my resignation, the congregation met in our home to decide how it would carry on. That night, I couldn’t believe how much I loved these people. The same folks I’d been frustrated with -- and blamed for my lack of success -- were ones I now grieved over losing. The bonds of affection had been there all along; I detected them only when I tried to break free from them.
I WISH I’D KNOWN HOW MUCH GOOD WAS HAPPENING
The week before I quit, I told my dad about my decision. He said, "Pay attention to what happens. I think you’ll notice much more good is going on in your church than you would have imagined." Those were prophetic words. People stepped up to ministry as soon as I got out of their way. Folks came into a relationship with God because of seeds planted during my ministry. People called and wrote letters expressing how much they had benefited from my ministry.
I half-expected the church to fold. It didn’t. Instead it continued to slowly grow. I wish I’d seen that my people were beyond where I thought they were.
I WISH I’D KNOWN THERE WERE ALTERNATIVES TO QUITTING
I shared my decision with three men in my church a week before I quit. What I didn’t do was listen to them. They brought up three alternatives I should have considered:
1. Take a leave of absence. Most churches really do love their pastors, and would much prefer to work out a time of absence for healing, rather than go through the divorce-and-remarriage process.
2. Talk with other pastors. They would have loved to help me. I didn’t ask.
3. Work maintenance into the weekly routine. Failure is inevitable in ministry, and dealing with failure demands not only a spiritual strategy, but a physical one as well.
I WISH I’D KNOWN THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING SHARP
For years, I thought I couldn’t afford conferences and books. I now know I can’t afford to go without them.
I WISH I’D KNOWN HOW MUCH INAPPROPRIATE PRIDE WAS INVOLVED
Pride prevented me from talking to others, from considering options, or from taking time off. Pride kept me from saying, "I don’t know what to do," as opposed to saying, "I’m going to quit - - end of discussion!"
I no longer ask if my resignation was a mistake. Instead I ask:
Have I learned from that experience? When tempted to move, I ask: Am I committed to learn and grow, and not quit if at all possible? These lessons have been used by Christ to create a tighter bond to the ministry I now serve.
I have counseled with many people before, and after divorce. I have been that pastor. The parallels are unbelievably straight. There are answers for the rock and hard place in your marriage. God has ‘em. He is only waiting for you to come to bat. In this church, the batter’s box is located at the altar.
