What Parents Owe Their Children:
A Familiarity with Forgiveness
As a parent, one of the most worrisome thoughts I’ve ever heard is this: As my children grow up and try to figure out who this mysterious person called “God” is, they will in large part base their impressions of who God is on who I am. Children inevitably will derive much of there, at least initial, view of God from the character, the identity and the morality they see in their parents.
That’s kind of frightening isn’t it?
But that’s why we’ve been talking about what parents owe their children. I want my children to see God as having integrity – so I am on a quest for His character. I want my children to see God as teaching us how to live the best life possible, so I life my life a course of discipline. I am confident that God grows each of us through relationships, so I demonstrate for my family a pattern of friendship. I want my children to discover the generosity of God, so I live with an attitude of gratitude. I know that God is tenderhearted and affectionate towards all of humanity, so I live a lifestyle of love.
And this morning, I want to talk with you about one more thing that I am confident each of us want to make obvious to our children. One of the most central strands of truth woven throughout the Christian Scriptures is the presence and power of God’s forgiveness. If I am going to pass to my children and to future generations anything about the character, nature and make-up of God, I must make sure they see and hear in my life a familiarity with forgiveness.
Forgiveness is one of those of those words that we hear often, say frequently but seem to understand or practice very little.
We talk about forgiveness a lot. But we know very little of it. We have heard the offer so often that we have lost the wonder of it. German scholar Helmut Thielicke said, "It can be the death of our faith if we forget that [forgiveness] is literally a miracle." This quote is of incredible importance. What kind of Christianity can we claim to practice… Indeed of what worth is the Christian faith at all when it is not centered entirely on forgiveness? What kind of church are we if we aren’t specialists in the practice of forgiveness? What kind of parent am I if my children don’t see in me a familiarness with the experience and offering of forgiveness?
As we talk about forgiveness, please don’t confuse it with its secular cousin: tolerance. Tolerance is a valuable trait to practice in the community, in the church and in the workplace. Tolerance makes allowances for those who are different from me; tolerance makes allowances for the miscommunications, the wrong assumptions, the mistakes and struggles associated with being in relationships with another human being.
But where tolerance makes allowances, forgiveness releases a legitimate debt. Forgiveness is the pardoning of a crime someone has perpetrated; forgiveness is the discharging of a balance due me in a relationship, in a moment, in a tragedy. Forgiveness says, I will not try to collect this debt you owe me, I will not look for you to make things right, I will not ask you for some reimbursement for what I am owed. Forgiveness is the release of a legitimate debt.
And often, I’m afraid we adults underestimate the challenges, the difficulties and the effort required in forgiveness. This is not some easy character trait you can put on like you would a warm sweater or your old winter snow boots.
Forgiveness is a bear. Forgiveness requires of us a selflessness and an amount of energy and effort which we are often slow to offer. And so there are a number of points in our lives where forgiveness is not so familiar.
There is a hurt still unanswered from our past. There is a relationship still broken from days gone by. There is a sin we are still quite sure we’re going to have to answer for.
And trust me, your children will pick up on this. Long before you know it, your children will know where the points are in your life where you are not yet familiar with forgiveness. They’ll notice which stories you won’t tell them. They’ll know what subjects or which people not to bring up around Mom or Dad. They’ll see which subjects you avoid, which topics you won’t talk about which name you just gloss over or ignore.
There’s no hiding this stuff. And moreover, if our children learn about God’s forgiving nature from us, what exactly are they learning? What are they learning from your experiences and expressions of forgiveness? Let’s talk about both of those: Our experience of forgiveness and our expression of forgiveness.
Let’s begin by talking about the need to express forgiveness. Certainly people do wrong to us in our lives. Their wound, intentional or not, leaves a debt in our life that often we want to see paid for. But forgiveness releases that debt. Listen to what the Bible has to say about expressing forgiveness:
Paul writes in First Corinthians 13:5, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” Eugene Peterson’s transliteration says, “(Love) doesn’t keep score of the sins of others.” (The Message)
In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul writes:
“And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32 (NAS)
And listen to the words of Jesus himself, from Matthew’s gospel account:
“If you forgive others for the wrongs they do to you, your Father in heaven will forgive you.” Matthew 6:14 (CEV)
And again, the words of Jesus, this time in Luke’s gospel:
“Forgive our sins, as we forgive everyone who has done wrong to us.” Luke 11:4 (CEV)
Forgiving others is clearly an expectation that Jesus has of us. Yet it is so difficult. We struggle with it in every area of our life, even in our homes, in our marriages.
After work one day, two women go out for a cup of coffee, just to catch up on old times. And without realizing it, the time gets away from them. The next morning they call each other to talk. “My husband was a little stressed about how late I was getting home from work yesterday.” “Oh, so was mine,” the second woman shared. “In fact, after when walked in the door, my husband started getting historical.” “You mean hysterical,” her friend corrected. “No, I mean historical. After complaining about how late I was, He started to tell me everything I ever done wrong.”
Bill Cosby shares that one time he and his wife were in an argument. “After she told me what I had done wrong that morning, she started telling me about some things I’d done in 1965 that weren’t so cool.”
We know we’re not supposed, but we do keep score of the sins of others. We know we’re supposed to forgive, but we struggle, don’t we?
Let me share with you a few suggestions, which will hopefully will help you begin the process of forgiveness.
To begin with, let me tell you about something that happened a little while ago. One of our Sunday school teachers had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said, "Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?" There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. "Sin," he said.
First, Acknowledge the sin. State its presence. We can gloss right over this, just ignore that it ever happened – which is not forgiving and forgetting. If someone has wounded us, we can’t ignore the hurt. Admit the sin and the unforgiveness is there.
Second, be honest about how you really feel. I know we all want to maintain a Christian character as we struggle through our lives with the ups and downs of relationships. But to deny what your heart and mind are going through is unhealthy.
A one-time head basketball coach at the University of Texas was asked if he was bitter at the UT Athletic Director who fired him as the Longhorn’s basketball coach. He replied, "Not at all, but I plan to buy a glass-bottomed car so I can watch the look on his face when I run over him."
I really don’t recommend visualizing or fantasizing about revenge or getting even. But if the feeling, the desire is there, confess it. Admit it. As it hides in the shadows of your soul, it receives permission, not only to stay there, but to grow and to rob you of the growth necessary in this trek of faith. Find someone you can trust, or climb into you prayer closet and confess this still-held, still-very-real sense of hurt, anger or bitterness.
Third, release the offender to God’s care and to God’s grace. As long as you still harbor a hurt, or hang on to a hatred, you are still letting that person have a say in what you think, how you feel and who you are. This has to be given to the only person who can handle it – God. “God you created them, and somehow you love them – even as you love me. I give them to you. I give you their heart, their soul, their words, their actions and the wounds they gave to me – I give it all to you.”
And Fourth, be patient as the bitterness subsides. I doubt you’ll experience a cathartic moment of release and never be sensitive or sore about this subject again. Forgiveness needs time to do its work and to work its way through our bones.
The story is told of a older woman who was deeply wrestling with not being able to forgive a brother who had wounded her deeply. But her help came in the form of a kindly pastor. "Up in the church tower," he said, nodding out the window, "is a bell which is rung by pulling on a rope. But you know what? After the sexton lets go of the rope, the bell keeps on swinging. First ding, then dong. Slower and slower until there’s a final dong and it stops. I believe the same thing is true of forgiveness. When we forgive, we take our hand off the rope. But if we’ve been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn’t be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for a while. They’re just the ding-dongs of the old bell slowing down."
What parents owe their children is a familiarity with the expressing of forgiveness. We must learn to forgive the boss who expects too much of us. We have to find a way to forgive the friends who not only won’t return what he borrows, but who sells it in his garage sale. We need to forgive our mate whose wounds cut too deeply when we fight. We need to forgive our children who break the vase our mother gave us and remind them – they, not the vase, are the family treasure.
We need to express forgiveness – to others, to each other and even to ourselves. To the extent our children see us expressing forgiveness, they will believe that we can and do forgive them when they fail – and furthermore, to the extent they see us expressing forgiveness they will believe that our God forgives.
But also, If we are going to be familiar with forgiveness, if we are going to express forgiveness to anyone else, than it is something we must experience ourselves – firsthand, personally.
What do parents owe their children – a familiarity with an experience of forgiveness.
Let me remind you of a few verses regarding God’s forgiving nature:
How does God describe himself? Listen to these words from Mount Sinai as God reveals his name to Moses in Exodus 34:6-7:
“6 He passed in front of Moses and said, “I am the LORD, I am the LORD, the merciful and gracious God. I am slow to anger and rich in unfailing love and faithfulness. 7 I show this unfailing love to many thousands by forgiving every kind of sin and rebellion.” (NLT)
God describes himself, ties to his very name Yahweh, a mercy, an unfailing love and faithfulness demonstrate in forgiving every kind of sin and rebellion. Listen to the words of the Psalmist. From Psalm 86:5-6:
“5 Lord, you are kind and forgiving and have great love for those who call to you. 6 LORD, hear my prayer, and listen when I ask for mercy.” (NCV)
From our New Testament, listen to apostle of love, John, taken here from The Message:
“On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing.” 1 John 1:9 (The Message)
Now I doubt that very many of us here this morning will end up on the FBI’s ten most wanted list. I doubt that the majority of your friends and neighbors are really bad people looking to bring about the worst kind of misery possible. But alive today in our lives and in the lives of those we live amongst, is a very real awareness that we are all that we could; we’re not everything that we should be. Whether intentionally or not, we’ve lived and acted and spoken in ways that have betrayed the greatest values and truths of our lives. We’ve insulted those we respect, we’ve betrayed those we trust, we’ve hurt those we love.
We talk about living a life of love, but never seem to do it the way we wish we could. We talk about modeling integrity for our family, yet always seem to slip up. We talk about putting our priorities in order and making ourselves the kind of spouse, the kind of parent, the kind of friend that we know God wants us to be – yet we feel inadequate and incompetent for the job.
It’s like the story of the boy who was shooting rocks with a slingshot. He could never hit his target. As he was in his Grandma’s backyard one day, h spied her pet duck. On impulse h took aim and let fly. The stone hit, and the duck was dead. “The boy panicked and hid the bird in the woodpile, only to look up and se his sister watching. After lunch that day, Grandma told Sally to help with the dishes. Sally responded, “Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen today. Didn’t you Johnny?” And she whispered to him, “Remember the duck!” So, Johnny did the dishes. What choice did he have? For the next several weeks he was at the sink often. Sometimes for his duty, sometimes for his sin. “Remember the duck,” Sally’d whisper when he objected. So weary of the chore, he decided that any punishment would be better than washing more dishes, so he confessed to killing duck. "I know, Johnny," his Grandma said, giving him a hug. "I was standing at the window and saw the whole thing. Because I love you, I forgave you. I wondered how long you would let Sally make a slave out of you.” He’d been pardoned, but he thought he was guilty. Why? He had listened to the words of his accuser. (from minister and author; Max Lucado)
And this morning as we worship a Holy and Awesome God a very real sense of disgrace comes over us. We’re well aware that God knows where we’ve been this week; God knows what we’ve done. And we feel this sense that there’s just no way we can look Him in the eye.
There’s a story we want to share with you this morning that speaks to this. Sit back, be comfortable, and see if God can speak to your heart through this tale.
[Skit – “Father”]
Powerful story, isn’t it. Torn from the pages of Luke’s gospel, that story, found in the last half of Luke 15 is often called, “The Parable of the Prodigal Son.” But obviously, that’ not what its about is it? Its really the story of the Faithful, Hopeful, Patient, Loving, Forgiving Father.
Perhaps nothing says better what I’m trying to say to you this morning, that images of drama. You may be the older son, bitter and angry at the harm caused you by someone else. This morning, God is asking you, calling you to release that debt in forgiveness. And I can’t make you do, and you can’t do it yourself – this is an act of Father himself.
As Luke records Jesus’ words:
“Show mercy, just as your Father shows mercy. “Don’t judge other people, and you will not be judged. Don’t accuse others of being guilty, and you will not be accused of being guilty. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6: 36-37, (NCV)
This is something we learn and discover from our Father. It is a divine moment.
Earlier this month, I was the writings of a pastor I know. I’d like to share with you something I ran across.
He writes: “I had just finished preaching on forgiveness out of the Lord’s Prayer. It was Communion Sunday and we always include a time of sharing with the Lord’s Supper. I barely asked if anyone had something to share when one of our deacons, an 87-year-old man stood up. He began, ‘For eighty four years.’ His wife grabbed her mouth with her hand and clenched closed her eyes in praise. ‘For eighty four years I have hated a little boy. Eighty-four years ago this little boy came riding up to me on his bike and said, ‘Ha ha ha ha, your mother is dead and you don’t even know it’ And this is how I learned my mother had died. Today I want to forgive that boy.’ No one in the congregation moved. Breathing almost stopped. Tears broke loose. The only response I could utter was, “This is a holy moment.” Another stood up and forgave someone. And a third…”
Family, mark my words – Forgiveness is an act of the Divine. Anywhere there is forgiveness, God must be present. It is always a holy moment when someone expresses or experiences forgiveness.
Or perhaps you’re not the older son, but the younger. You’ve taken been to the not-so-far country of sin. There’s a scandal in your life that you’ve never let go of; a indulgence you’ve never released; an offense you still carry – and its robbing you of intimacy with your Heavenly Father.
This morning, your Father is begging you to come home. His arms are open wide.
Listen to these words from Psalm 32:
“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord"-- and you forgave the guilt of my sin.” Psalm 32:3-5 (NIV)
And from the James, the pragmatist of the Bible:
“Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” James 5:13-16 (NIV)
God is present here this morning. In His presence, through the power of confession and prayer, let’s release some very real, but very weighty, debts. There are people here this morning more than ready to pray with you about someone you need to forgive, or about accepting and experiencing God’s forgiveness.
Let’s pray. And let’s experience God’s Holy, Forgiving work this morning.
