November 14 2001
Central Christian Church
St Petersburg, Fl
At what point does the parenting relationship change?
Is it when your child turns 18? Is it when they move out of your home? Is it when they marry? Is it after you have finished paying for college and they start their career?
Some things are certain and clear while this parenting relationship is not as clear, one thing for certain is that before your children are emancipated they are under your control and jurisdiction.
While you are raising your children they are to submit to your authority, be responsible, respectful and fun to be with.
As a matter of fact one of the 10 commandments reads: Exo 20:12 "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you.
-Proverbs 23:22-Tells you to listen to your father and not to despise your mother!
-Mark 7:10-Jesus reminds the people that the penalty for a child that cursed their mother & father use to be death!
we see that in Lev 20:9 ’If there is anyone who curses his father or his mother, he shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother, his bloodguiltiness is upon him. Deu. 21:18-21.
And we know also that parents have a responsibility to raise up Godly children. Children who are responsible, respectful and fun to be with!
Keeping in mind I hope that what we sow- so shall we reap.
If we do not train our children to be responsible by imposing consequences for their inappropriate actions and behaviors- the parenting process will take a whole lot longer or it might not ever happen at all.
The cost to the child as they try to transition into adulthood will be high!
In that case we will be stuck with an adult child who never learned how to become a respectful, responsible adult and our relationship with them can never advance to the next more enjoyable and satisfying level.
From Moses we get these words:
Deu 6:4 "Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one!
Deu 6:5 "And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
Deu 6:6 "And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart;
Deu 6:7 and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Deu 6:8 "And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.
Deu 6:9 "And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
But the question tonight is when does the relationship between parent and child change and how should it change?
If the child has learned from their parents, by their example, as well as by their training which I call consequences with empathy. (explain) The transition should be smooth without a high cost to the young adult child.
But when does it occur, well I believe I can make a case from the OT as well as from the NT, that for the unmarried virgin daughter, that does not occur until she is married. She basically goes from her father’s protection to her husband’s protection.
You can see that throughout the OT as well as in the NT, Look at:
1 Cor 7:35 And this I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is seemly, and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.
1 Cor 7:36 But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she should be of full age, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin; let her marry.
1 Cor 7:37 But he who stands firm in his heart, being under no constraint, but has authority over his own will, and has decided this in his own heart, to keep his own virgin daughter, he will do well.
1 Cor 7:38 So then both he who gives his own virgin daughter in marriage does well, and he who does not give her in marriage will do better.
Scripture is clear when this daughter or son does marry
We know our relationship definitely changes.
First,
They are to leave and cleave, becoming one flesh. Jesus said: Mat 19:5 and said, ’FOR THIS CAUSE A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE; AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’?
Mat 19:6 "Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
And that goes for parents too, now sometimes we mean well, but we begin to try and peddle too much influence in our adult married children’s lives. We need to be there for them as wise counsel, but never should we tell them what to do or manipulate their lives or the situation so what we think is best can occur.
Truthfully, our posture should be to keep quiet unless we are asked. When we are asked, we should pray about our response and give our adult children some of the outcomes of their decisions, allowing them to choose the option that they believe is best for them and NOT the option that is necessarily best for us.
While they are teenagers our response would be like this one:
-- George Munzing, "Living a Life of Integrity," Preaching Today, Tape No. 32.
Wrote:
I think of the father of one of my closest friends. My friend was reminiscing after his father’s death and told me of an experience from much earlier about the summer when his sister was looking for employment. She had two job possibilities. One she wanted very much and the other she didn’t but would take as a second choice.
As you can imagine, the second-choice job came up first, and she was offered that job. She wanted to hold out for the other, but she didn’t know if the other was going to come. So she went ahead and accepted it for her summer employment. A few days later, as you also could expect, the other job became available to her, and she wanted to quit the first very much and go to the second. So she went to her father.
She said, "Dad, I have a problem." And she portrayed it to him.
He looked her straight in the eye and said, "Did you take the first job?"
She said, "Yes."
"Did you promise you would work there this summer?"
She said, "Yes."
He said, "Why are we having this conversation?"
As Parents of adult children, if they were raised and trained properly they would already be conducting lives where their yes was yes and their no was no!
But lets say they said Mom dad we are thinking about accepting a Job offer in Minnesota, What do you think?
You would answer more in terms of illuminating the facts without bias to aid them in their decision as a Godly counselor.
I might say:
1. It will be cold, the winters are brutal.
2. If it pays more, what is the cost of living?
3. Certainly, we will miss you and you will have to pay for a babysitter.
We need to be a source of advice and wisdom for our adult children, not a meddler and not a co-signor.
Our culture has changed, But God has not changed, because God is immutable that means, He is unchangeable. He is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow!
In our culture it is nebulous at best and controversial at the very least to set the time when we emancipate our grown children.
I have heard some say when you are 18 you are either in the military, college or out on your own working a full-time job.
So when do we emancipate our children? Some say 18 is too young! Is it? I do not think so, if the child desires to be on his own, has begun to work, wants his own apartment and is not going to college, let him go, but let him also know, that his leaving changes the relationship-from one of dependence to one with more equality. He is now grown up with grown up responsibilities! By this way this leaving should be a natural thing, i.e. why God made them teenagers so we would be ready for them to go!
Is it different for the unmarried daughter, I believe it is. I believe as I stated earlier they should go from their Father’s protection to their husband’s.
Every wedding starts with who gives this young woman to be this man’s wife. She is a gift from the parents, but biblically that giving or not came under the Father’s authority.
But like I say our culture has changed and we have certain freedoms, although I personally believe something crucial has been lost. I do not believe the change of freedom in courtship without parental participation has been for the better!
Is it different for the college student? I would suggest that if they are under your purse strings, the have not been emancipated, the parental authority remains. The time for emancipation has been prolonged, because of college, but your rules and guidelines and standards will be enforced and honored or the bank will close.
I think this is referred to as the Golden Rule- which simply means the one with the Gold rules.
But we cannot use money as a means to continue to have control over adult children who should be emancipated.
We must all understand that children never belonged to us, they will always belong to God. We were entrusted with them for a short while, so we could train them up to be Godly adults.
I f our children mature and are able to be respectful, responsible and Fun to be with, the transition from infancy through adulthood, will be very smooth and enjoyable. We will actually enjoy our adult children, we will relate to one another as one in Christ without class distinction.
If our children are not able to make this transition upon emancipation, we will have to deal with some disappointment and discouragement as we set adult boundary’s to which they will have much difficulty trying to adhere.
From: John Crysostom, "Money in Christian History," Christian History, no. 14.
If you wish to leave much wealth to your children, leave them in God’s care. Do not leave them riches, but virtue and skill. For if they have the confidence of riches, they will not mind anything besides, for they shall have the means of screening the wickedness of their ways in their abundant riches.
The better your relationship is with your children from a biblical perspective the more their focus as they mature will turn to what you taught them by example. The more they will recognize the care you have given them and the fact that in the future they will be charged with taking care of you.
I found this quote from Martin Luther:
When Luther became a priest and celebrated his first Mass, in 1507, he trembled so much he nearly dropped the bread and cup. He became so terrified of the presence of Christ in the sacrament that he tried to run from the altar.
By the end of his life, Martin Luther wrote 60,000 pages, yet he hoped that "all my books would disappear and the Holy Scriptures alone be read."
On his way to the ecclesiastical hearing at Augsburg, when he feared the heretic’s stake lay ahead, Luther’s thoughts turned to the welfare of his mother and father. "Now I must die," he said. "What a disgrace I shall be to my parents!"
"Martin Luther--The Early Years," Christian History, no. 34.
Stephen E. Freed, a preacher asked his daughter,
Elizabeth, what will you do if I end up like Granddaddy someday?"
Watching my father slowly deteriorate from an incurable disease has been a painful process--one that has raised many such difficult questions in my mind. When I posed this particular question to my 15-year-old daughter, her response gave me even more to think about.
"I don’t know, Dad," she answered after a moment. "But I’m watching you to find out."
Christian Reader, Vol. 35, no. 2.
Our children will have watched the way we have related to our own parents and we must leave for them a model of healthy biblical relationships, through every stage of our lives. As a matter of fact it will be us who who will teach our adult children, not only how to live in Christ, but also how to die.
Rom 14:8 for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s.
The greatest lesson you can teach your children, that they will carry into adulthood is that in all of our relationships, the fact is reflected that we have died to self and we are the Lord’s. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Be like Christ Jesus and humble ourselves to the point of death and the parenting of our adult children will be a joy!
Let us pray
