SEEKING GOD FAITHFULLY-
A LOOK AT THE LIFE OF DAVID
Message #7
"Dealing With Our Anger"
1 Sam 25
INTRODUCTION
After sharing last week’s message about David and how he successfully fought the temptation to get even with Saul and retaliate against Saul for all the wrong Saul did to him, we all are thinking, "Wow, what a great guy David is. What spiritual maturity he displays. What inner fortitude he has been blessed with."
Well today we are going to start looking at the ugly side of David. True he was described by God as a man after my own heart, yet David had his downside and weak moments.
After David’s encounter with Saul in the cave, David and his band of misfits, people who were described in chapter 22 as people in trouble, in debt, or bitter about life, set up camp in the wilderness of Paran, which was an area where raising sheep was the main industry.
Sheep farming tended to be a dangerous business in those days. Bands of nomadic people would suddenly overrun an area, attack the employees of the sheep farm, steal livestock and assault small villages. So owners of the sheep farms would hire someone to protect their employees and their sheep herd. Sort of like hiring a security company. David was an experienced sheep farmer himself and an experienced military man, so he and his band of men worked to protect a flock of sheep and the shepherds that tended to the sheep that were owned by a man named Nabal.
Nabal was described by the writer of 1 Samuel as a "very rich man, who was harsh and mean." This guy was a ruthless business owner, profit was all he cared about.
According to the customs of that day, at the time the sheep were sheared, it was common for the owner of the animals to set aside a portion of the profit he made and give it to those who had protected the shepherds and the sheep.
David and his men had been faithfully watching out for the flock of Nabal, and when payday arrived David sent his men to collect his fee for protecting the flock.
A problem arose. Nabal was a stingy man and he refused to pay up.
David, of course, became enraged and he gathered his men together, they armed themselves and started journeying to Nabal’s home. David planned to kill Nabal and any of his men who resisted.
Word of this business deal gone sour reached the ears of Nabal’s wife, Abigail. She was described in 1 Sam 25 as sensible and beautiful. When she hears what is going on, she gathers up a bunch of food, as described in verse 18, and sets out to go and meet David.
Verse 21 gives us some insight into what’s going on inside of David right now.
1 Samuel 25:21 David had thought, "I guarded this man’s stuff in the desert for nothing! Not one of his possessions was missing. Yet, he has paid me back with evil when I was good to him. May God punish me if I leave even one of his men alive in the morning."
Long story short, Abigail negotiates with David, calms him down, tells him that she knows her husband is a fool, even calls her husband a worthless person. She gets David to see that killing Nabal would be a black mark on his sterling record.
David finally says to Abigail, "Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, who sent you today to meet me. [33] May your good judgment be blessed. Also, may you be blessed for keeping me from slaughtering people today and from getting a victory by my own efforts. [34] But I solemnly swear--as the Lord God of Israel, who has kept me from harming you, lives--if you hadn’t come to meet me quickly, Nabal certainly wouldn’t have had one of his men left at dawn." [35] Then David accepted what she brought him and told her, "Go home in peace. I’ve listened to what you’ve said and granted your request."
When Abigail returned home, she told her husband Nabal what had occurred and how she prevented an attack by David and his men, Nabal had a heart attack and ten days later died. David then proposes to Abigail and marries her.
So this morning I want to talk about anger and learning how to control it when someone does something to you that makes you so mad. David’s anger almost led him to murder.
After spending 3 ½ hours enduring the long lines, rude clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a man stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought his selection, a baseball bat to the cash register. "Cash or charge" the clerk asked. "Cash" the man snapped. Then apologizing for his rudeness he explained, "I’ve spent the afternoon and the motor vehicle bureau." The clerk sweetly asked, "Shall I gift wrap the bat or are you going back there?"
The average man loses his temper six times a week. The average woman only loses her temper three times a week. Women get angry more often at people but men more often get angry at things -- (when they break down, machines). Single adults express anger twice as often as married adults. Men are more physical with their anger than women. You are more likely to express anger at home than anywhere else. Anger is most frequent and intense towards those we love, not towards strangers.
Proverbs 16:32 Better to get angry slowly than to be a hero. Better to be even-tempered than to capture a city.
The fact is, we all get angry, but in different ways. Anger is a very normal human reaction. Jesus got angry. In the Old Testament it says 375 times that God got angry. The Bible says, "In your anger, don’t sin." There’s a right way and a wrong way to get angry. There’s a harmful way and a helpful way. The issue today is not how can I get rid of all my anger but how can I express it in non-destructive ways?
THREE WAYS WE EXPRESS OUR ANGER
We explode
This person is a walking time bomb, out of control. When they get angry they let it fly, they throw things, curse, yell, stomp up and down, throw a temper fit.
This is the way David expressed his anger with Nabal. When Nabal wouldn’t pay David and his men what they were owed, David exploded.
In some cases, this type of person immediately regrets their anger. They’re embarrassed, they regret what they’ve said and what they’ve done. They apologize. They’re ashamed.
Tommy Volt is a professional golfer. One time he was doing a pro clinic and he had his 14 year old son with him. He thought he’d show off, "Hey, son, show them what I taught you." His son obediently pulled out a 9 iron and tossed it at the sky as he let a few choice words fly from his mouth.
We go silent
This person holds it in, clams up instead of blowing up. Don’t reveal your feelings. Deny your anger. Pretend you’re not mad. They will not admit that they’re angry. They conceal how they feel.
This person is susceptible to high blood pressure, ulcers, headaches, tension headaches, backaches, all kinds of things. All kinds of illnesses can be traced to bottled up anger. There is a man, Dr. F. I. MacMillan, who wrote None of These Diseases, who has listed 51 types of illnesses that can be caused by bottled up anger, being emotionally upset and holding it in.
A good example of this is Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. Jer. 15:17-18 "I stayed by myself and was filled with anger. Why do I keep on suffering? Why are my wounds incurable? Why won’t they heal?" I’m holding it in and it’s killing me!
We manipulate people
This is the Lee Iococco version of anger. When he was fired by Ford his famous line was, "Don’t get mad. Get even." "I will figure out a way to get you back!"
Religious people often choose this form because it seems more spiritual than just exploding. While I will be very nice to you, I will cut you behind your back. That’s the manipulator approach. While pretending to be nice, you try to get even.
A good example is the Pharisee in Luke 6:11 "But they were furious and began to plot with each other what they might do to Jesus."
We don’t explode, we don’t hold our anger in, we just try to manipulate circumstances so that the person we are mad at will get what’s coming to them.
HOW TO DIFFUSE MY ANGER
Understand why I get angry- Typically there are three common causes of anger:
When we hurt. Hurt causes anger. When I am physically hurt or emotionally hurt. If you hit your thumb with a hammer you get angry. When I hurt I get angry. David was hurting. His mentor, the man who had anointed him to be the next king of Israel, the man who had given him such wonderful advice had died. 1 Samuel 25:1 Samuel died, and all Israel gathered to mourn for him. They buried him at his home in Ramah. Samuel died. David was hurting.
When we are frustrated. When nothing seems to work, when things don’t go your way, when you’re forced to wait, when Murphy’s Law is in effect you get frustrated. You get angry. That’s why there is so much road rage today. People are frustrated with the traffic and the amount of time it takes to get places. There frustration leads to anger. Or you may be frustrated with where your life is at right now. Because you are frustrated, you are more prone to get angry quickly.
When we are physically exhausted: David had been on the run for several months, day after day. He was tired, he and his men were hungry. He probably hadn’t had a nice hot bath for quite some time. The guy was exhausted. I know that when I am tired, hungry and physically spent, I can get angry pretty quickly.
Be slow to express anger
James 1:19 Remember this, my dear brothers and sisters: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and should not get angry easily.
Don’t respond impulsively. Think it through first. Proverbs 29:11 "A stupid man gives free reign to his anger. A wise man waits and lets it grow cool."
One of the great remedies for anger is delay. The longer you hold your temper the more it improves. If you let it off immediately, it’s bad news! But the longer you hold it, the better it gets.
More than the words that Abigail spoke to David, the delay that Abigail caused by going to speak with David was a big part of why David calmed down. She was able to defuse the situation because she bought some time and time was able to do its part in calming David down.
Thomas Jefferson is the guy who said, "When you’re angry you count to ten. When you’re very angry you count to 100." If you’re still angry you keep on counting. Anything you can do to delay, defer, so you can reflect before reacting. Whatever you were going to do initially -- don’t.
People who stay calm have a much better insight.
When we get angry have you noticed that our mouth usually runs faster than our mind? When you get angry you need to put your mind in gear before you engage your mouth.
David got mad so quick that he starts making all these threats and plans of how he is going to take Nabal’s life. Had he been slow to anger, he would have thought about what the consequences of killing Nabal would have been and he probably would have calmed himself down. Proverbs 13:16 "Sensible people always think before they act."
Watch Your Words
Proverbs 21:23 "If you want to stay out of trouble, be careful what you say." Blowing your stack only creates air pollution. It doesn’t do a whole lot of good.
The problem is that words come very easily when we’re angry, when our adrenaline is running. When I get angry I’m brilliant! Sometimes I can think of the most sarcastic thing to say.
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer quiets anger. But harsh ones stir it up." Whatever you do when you’re angry resist using sarcasm because harsh words will escalate the problem while soft words de- escalate the tension. "A gentle answer quiets anger."
Learn to Relax
Proverbs 14:30 (Living Bible) "A relaxed attitude lengthens a man’s life." Have you noticed that when you’re uptight, you’re more prone to anger? That’s because temper and tension always go together. If you want to learn to reduce your anger, you need to relax. Deadlines tend to bring out the worst in us. They make us irritable.
Once a week, I battle PMS. Pre Message Syndrom. Until my Sunday message is written I can be a bit of a bear. Ask Barbara, Suzy or Jerry.
Some of you are wound so tightly that anything ticks you off. It’s week after week of tension and you’re wondering why you’re biting the head off your wife when you get home. She turns around and yells at the boy. The boy hits the little girl. The girl kicks the dog. The dog chases the cat. The cat bites the head off the Barbie doll. Chain reaction.
Know when you need to get away and relax and then somehow, someway, do so. Go golfing, fishing, take a walk on the beach, go for a run, go to a park and just chill out.
Don’t underestimate the importance of relaxing when it comes to defusing anger.
Continually ask God for help
The most important thing a person can do to get his anger or any other negative personality trait or any sinful habit under control is to bring the need before God.
James tells us that we do not receive because we do not ask. If you find yourself blowing up a lot with anger, let me ask you this- how often do you go to God and ask him for his help in overcoming your anger.
If you would get in the habit of spending 15-30 minutes a day reading God’s word and talking to God about the struggles in your life, you will discover how much strength you do have to control and defuse your anger.
If I take a tube of toothpaste and aim it and hit it real hard, toothpaste is going to come out. If I fill the tube with mayonnaise and hit and squeeze it, what’s going to come out? Mayonnaise. If I fill it with chili beans, what’s going to come out? Point: Whatever is inside is going to come out when it’s squeezed.
That’s true with people. When the world puts pressure on you and the deadlines are coming in and the people around you are increasing the level of expectation, you are in the squeeze. Whatever is inside of you is going to come out.
If you are filled with God’s Word and your spending quality time with God in prayer, then you are 80% of the way toward defusing your anger.
When you are filled with anger and hostility and hurt and frustration and insecurity, when the world puts on the squeeze that’s what’s going to come out. When you are filled with God, almost nothing can upset you. When you are filled with anger, almost anything will upset you. Be filled with God. And when God is in your life He will fill you with love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self control. When the world puts the squeeze on your life at the office, at home, in the classroom, that’s what’s going to come out.
CONCLUSION
The Bible says its better to be slow tempered than famous, it’s better to have self control than to control an army. How are you doing in this area? Do you need a little bit more patience this week?
Would you make a choice today? Would you say by God’s grace I’m going to stop those old, habitual patterns of anger. It is a choice. You can control it if you want to. The fact is you haven’t wanted to. It feels good to get angry. But it’s very self destructive.
Once Abigail calmed David down, he realized how blessed by God he had been to have Abigail intervene.
He says to Abigail: May your good judgment be blessed. Also, may you be blessed for keeping me from slaughtering people today and from getting a victory by my own efforts. 1 Samuel 25:33
"Hey Abigail, thanks for keeping me from acting on my anger."
Angry outbursts are always something we regret later.
I want to spend some time in prayer for those of you who are battling anger issues. Bring the lights down. Every head bowed and eye closed. If you are really struggling with anger issues, and with exploding, raise your hand now and let me pray for you.
Prayer Time
