September 2, 2001
What makes for a real friend?
What is the value of friendship?
Philosophers have discussed and debated that for centuries.
Mencius said, Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
In the 1950¡¦s Norman Vincent Peale said, Getting people to like you is only the other side of liking them.
Of course, Peale was paraphrasing Solomon
A man that hath friends must show himself friendly:
Proverbs 18.24a
In the 60¡¦s Paul Simon told us friendship was not good:
I am a rock, I am an island.
Don¡¦t talk to me of friendship;
friendship causes pain ¡V
its¡¦ laughter and its¡¦ soothing I disdain.
In the 1990¡¦s there was Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin, a cartoon character, is only 5, but has developed into a most obnoxious, self-centered little twit. Sitting on a swing he calls out: I need a push. Someone push me! I need a push!
Looking around the playground he finds he is being ignored. The last frame shows a very, very angry Calvin, scowling to no one in particular, Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
( Bill Watterson, CALVIN AND HOBBES )
From Mencius, Peale, Simon¡Kall the way to Calvin ¡V an increasingly cynical view of friendship. Well, Calvin would not be able to be cynical about friendship if he had ever met Jesus, the friend of sinners! Jesus is my best friend, and He never fails the acid test of friendship!
Our study of the One Anothers of the Bible leads us to friendship. This morning we are going to check out the Bible¡¦s plea to Befriend One Another. Notice first,
The Command of Friendship
And be ye kind one to another Eph 4:32a
Actually, it is hard to miss all the commands in God¡¦s Word to behave as friends towards each other. In John¡¦s Gospel Jesus called his disciples friends, telling them he was going to lay down his life for them. He then gave them a commandment to love one another as he had loved them.
We are commanded to love, to be friends with each other. It is important be friendly to everyone, but we have a special responsibility to those who are part of the body of Christ.
As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith. Gal 6:10
So, the command of friendship is without question. But, How does friendship happen? And, equally important for us is How should it happen? Is every person a candidate for friendship? There is a great desire for friendship ¡V of that there can be no debate.
Consider the success of the TV sitcom ¡§Friends¡¨ ¡V a group of young folks who hang out together. The theme song says:
I¡¦ll be there for you¡Kwhen the rain starts to pour¡K
I¡¦ll be there for you¡KLike I¡¦ve been there before¡K
I¡¦ll be there for you.
These folks value the concept of friendship. But, is it good friendship? Is it Biblical friendship? After all, that (Biblical friendship) is the command.
David Wilkerson of the Times Square Church in New York wrote:
Have you ever thought to pray, Lord, what do you think of my friendships? Are they pleasing to you ¡V or do they displease you? The fact is, a righteous friend can provide a link to the blessing and favor of God, because he encourages you toward a godly lifestyle. On the other hand, an unrighteous friend can be a binding chain to every kind of evil, leading you into terrible bondage. (David Wilkerson, Your Friends Matter to God, SermonCentral.com)
And so, the command to befriend is a matter of seeking and maintaining friendships on a godly level.
Dr. Wilkerson says: It¡¦s easy to determine whether your close friendships are of God, or if they¡¦ve been planted by the enemy to destroy you. Simply think of your best friend, and then answer these questions:
„Ñ Does your friend gossip, backbite or speak evil of others?
„Ñ Is he argumentative about scripture, a continual debater, never coming to truth?
„Ñ Does he call godly people pharisees?
„Ñ Do you detect in his words a spirit of disobedience, envy or suspicion?
„Ñ Does he spew out poisonous words against his (or her) spouse?
„Ñ Has he succeeded in planting unkind thoughts in your mind about others?
„Ñ Have you begun to join him in these?
(ibid)
We are commanded to be friendly¡K. Secondly, notice please,
The Crystallization of Friendship
In First Samuel we have the story of the developing friendship between David, the young shepherd boy who would later become king of Israel, and Jonathan, son of King Saul, and heir apparent to the throne. Here¡¦s how their friendship began:
And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.1 Samuel 18:1
I must warn you that somewhere, sometime, someone will try to tell you that David and Jonathan were homosexual lovers.
My response is, Please get completely real!
Notice that the scripture says that it was their souls which were knitted together. You certainly know that the soul is not the main emphasis of union in homosexual perversion. In homosexual unions, the physical aspect is the primary focus. Even the name (homo-sexual) implies a sexual emphasis.
What makes the friendship of David and Jonathan a divine act of genuine friendship is that God did the knitting! True friendship is impossible apart from the spiritual dimension.
Now, before I am accused of being a homophobe, let me rush to say that heterosexuals in our culture are not much better. So many people today base their relationships purely on physical aspects. From the daily soaps ¡V to MTV ¡V to sitcoms and Hollywood¡¦s movies ¡V whenever boy meets girl today, they move at light-speed, from that first flirting glance, directly to the bedroom. Sex first ¡V figure out if it works later.
That is so very different from God¡¦s way. True friendship is born in the womb of spiritual kinship. This is the love David and Jonathan knew. Love is a Godly quality. It is unselfish, making the friend ready to give himself for his friend.
Friendship on the material, sensual, or selfish level is possible as long as one of the participants is willing to take advantage of the other.
Two men who were friends met in a restaurant for dinner. They ordered the same meal, steak. When the plates came, one of the steaks was twice the size of the other. Fred took both plates from the waitress, handing the smaller steak to his buddy.
Said Marvin, Fred, ol¡¦ buddy, ya got yer nerve. That piece yer holdin¡¦ is twice¡¦z big as mine.
Fred said, Marvin, dear friend, how would YOU have done it?
Marvin said, I certainly would¡¦ve given you the larger piece, my good man.
Fred smiled, Well, then, everything worked out -- I got the big piece -- quit yer bellyachin!
True friendship crystallizes when the love of God touches two hearts to knit them together.
For the Christian this is critical. The Bible declares that
„Ñ darkness doesn¡¦t hang-out with light;
„Ñ friendship with the world means enemies with God;
„Ñ and believers shouldn¡¦t buddy-up with unbelievers.
Remember that your primary friendships are to be within the body of Christ. It is because friendship ¡V genuine Biblically-based, God-honoring friendship has a spiritual foundation in Jesus Christ.
It also means that you have no enemies in the body of Christ. When people within the fellowship of believers act unkind toward each other -- no matter what the provocation ¡V they sin against the Lord, Who commanded us to love (to be knitted together in heart and soul).
A lady told about her children¡Kin the midst of a big fuss between [her] 8-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter, [she] tiptoed to the cassette recorder, inserted a blank tape, and captured the commotion on audio. After a few minutes [she] called for a truce.
As [she] played back the tape, the children¡¦s eyes widened. Their mad voices sounded so hilarious, they spent hours listening to the tape over and over again and laughing. ( Fran Caffey Sandin, Christian Reader, Vol. 35, no.2)
I think most disagreements between believers would turn out this way if we only took the time to call a truce.
I am most grateful for the reasonableness of our church family. Perhaps that is why friendship is a reality here for those who have been around a good while¡K.and a possibility here for newcomers.
Elizabeth wrote an email to a friend recently in another state. They were catching up, and she shared her feelings that the folks of our congregation are much like a blood family, and that it is so wonderful to sense that love and acceptance. Elizabeth¡¦s husband agreed!
Whatever else goes on here ¡V for good or bad, contemporary or traditional, effective or not ¡V there is a genuine friendship that crystallizes in the hearts of people who gather here in Jesus¡¦ name. And that, like Martha Stewart says, is a good thing!
Friendship is commanded by God, crystallized in the heart by God, and then notice,
The Characteristics of Friendship
As David and Jonathan¡¦s friendship grew, so did the jealousy and rage of King Saul. David becomes the enemy, and Jonathan, unknown to his father, had to carry on a secret helpfulness to his friend David. They met in the field:
And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another,until David exceeded.1 Samuel 20:41
The four characteristics contained in this verse describe how true friendship behaves itself.
Characteristic #1. Humility
David ¡Kfell on his face ¡Kbowed himself three times
David had become the most popular man in Israel. The events that led to this moment included mountain peaks for both Jonathan and David. They were both heroes in the eyes of the people.
Jonathan was the crown prince of Israel, next in line to Saul¡¦s throne. He was as much a hero as David when fighting the Philistines. On two separate occasions Jonathan had led the armies of Israel to great victories.
But David was the popular choice. He could have opted for popular support and power, yet his friendship with Jonathan was more important. David bowed with his head to the ground in a position of respect.
Much earlier Jonathan had done the same thing, showing humility when they first met. He did not have to do that. Jonathan was, after all, heir apparent to the throne, and¡Kif David gained in favor in the eyes of the people, Jonathan had everything to lose, nothing to gain. But as one preacher said about Jonathan, He forgot himself, and by so doing forgot himself into immortality. (Clarence Edward Macartney, SERMONS ON OLD TESTAMENT HEROES, (Nashville, Cokesbury Press, 1935), 211)
Humility is a rare and elusive commodity today. But where you find humility you find a candidate for a friend. Bennet Cerf used to tell the story of a tenderfoot who asked an old Arizona rancher, What should I do if a rattlesnake bites me in the arm? Responded the old man, Get a friend to open the punctures the rattler made and suck the poison out for you.
And if I get bitten in the leg?
Follow the identical procedure.
But suppose I¡¦m unlucky enough to sit down on one of those darn rattlers? Ah, my boy, said the rancher solemnly, that¡¦s when you find out who your real friends are!
Characteristic #2. Joy They kissed one another
It is easier to commiserate with those in trouble than to rejoice with those who are filled. Paul says to rejoice with those believers who rejoice (Ro 12.15). It is often more difficult to celebrate someone else¡¦s success, than to put up with a brother¡¦s failures.
You have to be unselfish to want someone else to get ahead. Sometimes its even more difficult to hold the ladder for someone while he climbs it. (After all, you have to wait while he climbs.)
Dr. Larry Crabb recalls an incident in the church he attended as a young man. It was customary in this church that young men were encouraged to participate in communion services by praying aloud.
Larry¡¦s turn came. He stood to pray, and in a terribly confused prayer, he recalls thanking the Father for hanging on the cross, and praising Christ for triumphantly bringing the Spirit up from the grave.
Humiliated, Larry tried to sneak out a side door at the end of the service, but one of the elders, Jim Dunbar, caught him, and said, Larry, there¡¦s one thing I want you to know. Whatever you do for the Lord, I¡¦m behind you one thousand percent. ( In a sermon by Brian Atwood, How To Be a Good Friend, SermonCentral.com, quoting Larry Crabb, ¡§Encouragement, The Key to Caring¡¨.)
Those words of encouragement from a layman who listened while a teenager fumbled became words of life and power. Humility, Joy, and a third characteristic of friendship¡K
Characteristic #3. Brokenness ...and wept one with another
There are times when only sitting in silence will do for a friend. In Great Expectations, Pip visits for the last time his friend, Magwich. The man is in prison awaiting execution. Magwich takes Pip by the hand and says, You have never deserted me, boy; and what¡¦s the best of all, you¡¦ve been more comfortable alongside me since I was under a dark cloud than when the sun shone. That¡¦s the best of all.
There during trouble ¡V that¡¦s what brokenness means. Two hunters came across a bear so big that they dropped their rifles and ran for cover. One man climbed a tree while the other hid in a nearby cave. The bear was in no hurry to eat, so he sat down between the tree and the cave to reflect upon his good fortune.
Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the hunter in the cave came rushing out, almost running into the waiting bear. He hesitated, then dashed back into the cave. It happened a second, and a third time¡Kout of the cave, up to the bear, back into the cave. When the man emerged on the dead run the fourth time, his companion frantically called out ¡V Woody, are you nuts, boy? Stay in the cave till he leaves! Woody yelled back over his shoulder, as he disappeared into the cave again, Can¡¦t ¡V puff, pant ¡V ¡¥Nother bear in there! ( Mark Hensley, A Friend In Need, SermonCentral.com)
It was in the middle of the night that David needed his friend Jonathan the most. David was a hunted man, hiding in the caves of the wilderness, a marked man by King Saul. Jonathan risked his own life and reputation to come to his friend. This is what the Bible says we are to be to each other.
Humility, Joy, Brokenness, and¡K
Characteristic #4. Lift Jonathan stayed...until David exceeded
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity Proverbs 17:17
The bottom line about how friendship (true Biblical friendship) will behave itself, is bound up with what we learned last week about love. Love lifts, friendship is a part of that love.
And Jonathan Saul¡¦s son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God. 1 Samuel 23:16
When all is said and done, it is the one who strengthens you in God who is your real friend. It isn¡¦t always with pats on the back or lovey-dovey sweetness:
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. Proverbs 27:17
We are not really told all that Jonathan said to David to lift him. But you can certainly imagine it was not easy to lift a despairing friend out of the pit. Sometimes it does take iron to sharpen iron. Beloved, the friend who is really genuine is the one who will strengthen your hand in Jesus.
I was advised years ago by my mentor, Brother Pat Giffin to take notice of my real friends, for they would be the ones ¡V the only ones around when things got rough.
I wondered then exactly how I was going to tell the real from the summer variety. I think I¡¦ve got it now. It¡¦s summed-up in a poem Evelyn Reece gave me several weeks ago, entitled Together Still. It is about an elderly couple, married so many decades, as they prepare for the last declining years, perhaps months. The thought fits well about the characteristics of Biblical friendship ¡V humble, broken at times, joy-filled, and the lift needed to exceed...
Let me hold your hand as we go downhill,
We¡¦ve shared our strength and we share it still.
It hasn¡¦t been easy to make the climb,
But the way was eased by your hand in mine.
Like the lake, our life has had ripples too,
Ill-health, and worries, and payments due,
With happy pauses along the way,
A graduation, a raise in pay.
At the foot of the slope, we will stop and rest,
Look back, if you wish; we¡¦ve been truly blessed,
We¡¦ve been spared the grief of being torn apart
By death, or divorce, or a broken heart.
The view ahead is one of the best,
Just a little bit further, and then we can rest.
We move more slowly, but together still,
Let me hold your hand as
we go
downhill¡K
(Peggy Cameron King)
Do you think you could make it if you had a friend like that? You can have the best one ¡V one that passes all the acid tests of friendship. You can have Jesus! And he will teach you to be a friend like that too!
