How To Resolve Conflicts Through Effective Counseling
Eph. 4:28-32 - "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ has forgiven us." Begin by integrating some of following five suggestion:
1). Break the problem into smaller issues. The manager’s contracts with the workers. The owner’s lack of supervision with his manager. The workers inability to clarify the terms of their labor before they began to work.
2). Begin by asking each party what they think about the situation and how they plan to resolve the conflict as Jesus would or as the scriptures would advise.
3). State what you believe the godly man would do in each situation; first from the owner’s perspective and responsibilities toward the manager; second from the manager’s perspective towards the owner and the workers; finally from the worker’s perspectives and their responsibilities toward the manager and the owner.
4). Suggest several resolution steps where everyone can save face as much as possible. Offer compromising alternatives for each party to receive some measure of dignity and provisions.
5). Encourage everyone to look at the matter objectively without criticizing, becoming bitter, or trying to seek revenge. Help each party to understand the similar experiences that Christ faced in His father’s vineyards while he was on earth.
A BIBLICAL CASE STUDIES IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION
1. In Luke 12:13?15 says, Jesus was approached by a man whose simple request was, "Teacher, tell my brother to divide the family inheritance with me." Jesus turned to the individual and said, "Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you? Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."
Notice that Jesus refused to enter into the conflict unnecessarily. We should also learn to avoid conflicts that are not our business. Jesus saw the importance in not getting entangled in civilian affairs so that He could concentrate on His priorities. When necessary Jesus would resolve conflicts by recognizing human, political, and legal norms and laws. He might refer us to his statement about the coin, "Render to Caesar that which is Caesar’s and to God that which is God’s." (Lk.20:25)
Luke writes in Acts 15:39, "They had such a sharp disagreement (Paul and Barnabas) that they parted company." Later Paul wrote Timothy asking for John Mark to be sent to him for he was useful to him in II Timothy. No doubt Paul was convicted by his own words to the Philippians when he wrote in Phil. 2:2 ? "Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, united in spirit intent on one purpose, striving together for the faith of the gospel." Paul later realized the usefulness of John Mark perhaps through his own maturing and healing and forgiveness.
Example ? Even though you may not be able to reconcile yourself with another immediately, prayer, time, and appreciation for other’s cultural perspective will heal most conflicts. One man named Isaac fought with his neighbor for years over a goat that apparently had gotten killed by a passing truck. Barnabas was looking after the animal in the Isaac’s absence. After several years of anger and bitterness toward one another, Barnabas, the younger man, heard a sermon about conflict resolution and decided to try to reconcile matters. He went to the man’s house and expressed his regret over the unfortunate incident. He asked Isaac, "Is there anything I could do to make the matter right between us? Isaac said, "Yes you can buy me another goat." The man said, "Even though I do not have enough money to buy a goat I will work in your farm this rainy season for free. I want to do what I can to allow us to be friends again. Your friendship means a great deal to me! In fact you are far more important to me than any goat." When the Isaac saw the Barnabas working for the first three days in his fields, he came out weeping expressing his regret that he had gotten angry. Today they are best of friends!!
Conclusion ? There are many ways to address conflicts that come our way. We must learn to fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith. For the joy that was set before Him, Christ endured the cross despising the shame and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Heb. l2:1,2)
We must remember that different situations call for different approaches to our conflicts.
1). Recognize your root differences.
2). Be quick to hear the other person’s point of view. Be slow to respond before thinking first.
3). Clarify one anothers’ goals so that you know what is the most important thing you would like to achieve.
4). Point out what are the root issues behind the conflicts.
5). Be willing to admit your own contribution to the problem.
6). Try not to blame, ridicule, or criticize a person directly, but address the issue at hand. (James l:l9)
"But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger."
Many of the ideas for the lesson have been adapted from Gary Collin’s Christian Counseling Manual.
Study Questions
1. What are some of the causes, factors, and sources of conflicts between people?
2. How should we seek to resolve conflicts?
3. How should we recognize different tactics in dealing with conflicts between people?
4. Why is it important to recognize the root cause behind conflicts between people?
Case Study - What do we need to know to successfully resolve our conflict? How would you counsel a friend who has compromised his faith in Jesus Christ for the sake of material gain? Here is a true incident of such a brother who supposedly converted to Islam for financial rewards.
Illustration: Just two months ago, a Christian brother named Joseph, a well-known tailor, decided that he needed resort to desperate actions to avoid financial ruin. One day, several friends saw Joseph coming out of the local mosque. They began to greet him and then asked, "Why were you attending mosque today?" Joseph reluctantly said, "One Alhaji has promised me a free wife, a mansion in his village, and free food, if I repent and become a Muslim. It was an offer I could not refuse!"
Even though Jospeh’s friends thought he was not serious, something shocking occurred several days later. Joseph abandoned his tailoring shop, dismissed his apprentices, and sold all of his sewing machines. When he traveled to the Alhaji’s village, Joseph looked forward to a life of ease, pleasure, and instant prosperity. However, when he arrived at the Alhaji’s house, Joseph felt a burning feeling in the pit of his stomach. Joseph never anticipated what he would see and hear that day. The Alhaji said,
"I have not built your house, I have so many wives that I cannot afford to feed you, and you will have to wait a few years for your the wife I promised you since she is only eight years old!" Joseph was crushed to think how his greed had nearly ruined his life.
How would you begin to take Joseph through the processes of conflict resolution with:
1). Regaining the trust of his friends who now distrusted him?
2). Dealing with the Alhaji who failed to fulfill his promises?
3). Press for Reconciliation with God for back-sliding into Islam?
4). Restoration of his self-respect?
5). Reviving himself financially with his defunct tailoring business?
6). Renewal of his relationships with his church leaders?
Let us begin to see the best ways to counsel people undergoing conflicts by getting a clear definition of conflict. Conflict is a difference between people that can be resolved by those who are willing to treat one another with respect and to speak the truth in love. Eph. 4:l5
Case Study Haruna hoped to marry soon, but could not decide which girl to chose for his life partner. Promising both of his teenage sweethearts that he would marry them, he decided to try to get both of them pregnant to see which would produce a son for him. He knew that his family would intercede on his behalf if he could father a male child to please the ancestral spirits. Unfortunately, Haruna’s plans backfired on him. Both girls became pregnant so they decided to move in with Haruna’s family according to their tribal customs. Now Haruna would have to explain to his parents why he had two girlfriends living at home waiting for the delivery of his children.
Soon, both girls found out that the Haruna had promised to marry both of them. This made both girls livid. However, Haruna felt that he could cope with the anger of the girls, but knew that eventually his parents would become equally hostile toward him. The next morning, one of the girls’ goat got killed by a passing truck. The girl flew into a rage over Haruna’s parents’ apparent neglect for her special goat. She screamed at Haruna for allowing his parents to treat her in such an abusive fashion. She demanded compensation for the animal or she threatened to return to her village. After shouting several dis?respectful words to Haruna’s parents, the girl packed her bags and left.
At first, Haruna thought he had all his problems solved, until, the second girl left because of the his refusal to give her money to help with the costs of drugs for her pregnancy related illnesses. Now the Haruna was left without either girl, without harmonious relations with his family, and the shame of impregnating two girls who would seek abortions when they returned to their villages.
How would a counselor seek to advise Haruna from a Biblically based counseling approach?
I. Some Factors Behind Conflicts?
Conflicts usually result from people’s different perceptions. Most conflicts are a natural part of growth with families, friends, and associates and are therefore inevitable. We must allow one another the freedom to have different opinions and choices which can help people grow, change, and develop. (Gal. 5:l3)"As imperfect human beings we are always going to subject to conflict, misunderstanding, and mis?interpretations until as Christians we are ushered into heaven."
Values and needs (perceived, real, and felt needs) that are expressed or hidden are usually the root of causes behind conflicts. Good counsellors have the ability to discover the root causes in people’s values and needs.
Case Study Recently, one of the students at the seminary told about a man who came to him for counseling after a Sunday morning service. The young man named Adamu said, "I thought I needed a wife." When I got a wife, I told her, "I need a son." When I got a son the boy told me, Daddy, "I need some money to pay the school’s tuition fees." After my wife could no longer produce any more male children, I realized that I needed a second wife. When I got a second wife, I realized that acquisition of wives, children, and possessions did not make me any more pleasing with God since I lacked the power to overcome my financial problems. Tell me Pastor what I have to do to solve my family and financial conflicts?"
The student Pastor, named Bello told him about Hezekiah, who prayed that the Lord would give him any extra fifteen years of life. He narrated the story and said:
"If Hezekiah would have prayed, "Not my will but yours Lord." God possibly would not have been granted his request to live an extra 15 years and produce a very wicked son. We need to distinguish between needs and wants. (Psa. 23:1) Counseling this young man through a process of helping him discover the ideal values of fidelity, honesty, purity, and faithfulness to one life partner begins with a commitment to the truth of the scriptures. If he could know the truth, it would set him free from his confusions, disappointments, and deceptions.
Conflicts are usually a symptoms of something far deeper troubling an individual. We must seek to explore below the surface of a person outer actions to discern what is beneath their anger, frustration, or opposition. (Heb. 12:l5) Most conflicts are dealt with wrongly because people have not been taught how to deal effectively with them or people are unwilling to find the answers in God’s word. (Eph. 4:l5) The young man in the previous case study would have be able to avert the problems of anger, envy, and misunderstanding if he would learn to discover the will of God through pre-marital counseling with a trained counselor.
II. How to View Conflicts
A. In conflicts we must learn when to confront someone with a problem and when to overlook another’s fault. (Prov. 27:5,6)
"Open rebuke is better than secret love, faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." In conflict management we must learn to respect others differences: personality, philosophy, background, male?female perceptions, cultures, levels of maturity, knowledge, spiritual knowledge and maturity, age, education, goals, and general perspectives. (Phil. 2:3,4, Gal 3:28) Conflicts provide us with opportunities for growth. We should learn when and how to manage our conflicts and when and how to avoid them, as well as when and how to deal with them.
"For everything there is a time, a time to make war and a time for peace." (Eccl. 3:8)
Conflicts allow people the forum for airing their differences of opinions. Unless we learn to hear people out, they will keep things bottled up inside them. Eventually the pressure will become so great that they will explode with anger or develop hypertension. breakdown.
Example The conflict of Barnabas and Paul provides us with a beautiful illustration of a way that the Holy Spirit made allowances for different approaches to the ministry. The Lord allowed both Paul and Barnabas to successfully plant new churches even though they disagreed with one another about taking John Mark with them. The Bible says that a sharp disagreement arose between them. Let us remember that we do not always have to be in agreement with one another as long as we are faithfully following the will of God for our lives!!
Unresolved conflicts interfere with growth and satisfying relationships. When conflicts go unsolved people erect defensive barriers toward one another. The Bible tells us to love one another as Christ also loves us without holding anything back. (Rom l5:7) Many people are suffering in silence today. They have failed to reconcile their conflicts with one another. Some husbands and wives are filled with quiet antipathy towards one another over discords too sensitive to discuss.
Physicians tell us that the number one reason for high blood pressure related diseases is stress. Stress can be caused by internal strife that are left unresolved. Jesus told us that before we present our offerings before the altar, go and reconcile yourself with your brother and then come and present your offerings. (Matt. 5:24) To God, relationships are far more important than money given as a sacrifice to God’s service!!
Example - A certain boss in Nigeria practiced illegal book-keeping for many years. When his employees learned about the corrupt accounting procedures they felt freedom to cheat their boss by stealing from the warehouse. Soon customers worried that they were being cheated in the quality of the goods purchased from the company. This trend continued unabated for years until, someone from the headquarters discovered the illegalities through a comprehensive audit. Eventually, a new boss was transferred in to replace the crooked manager. Trouble quickly ensued between the new director and the employees.
The workers had developed certain assumptions toward work, using company property, and taking time off for travel. Soon, all the employees were making false allegations about their new boss to the headquarters. They were using their insecure feelings, bad habits, and corrupt intentions to falsely accuse the new director of corruption. How would you counsel this new boss who wanted to maintain good employee relationships, but felt oblige to manage the business ethically?
III. HOW TO SEEK RESOLUTION OF YOUR CONFLICTS
Begin by recognizing root differences of perception between people. When you have a disagreement with someone, instead of thinking about how you will get back at the person, think and pray that the Lord will give you a spirit of wisdom and understanding into that person’s needs, both felt and real. If you are so pessimistic that you believe that the person is hopeless then he will probably act that way towards you.
"Love believes the best in every person." (I Cor l3:7)
Example Many of the problems of the family, the nation, and the economy stem from the fact that people do not trust one another. One man refused to leave the key to his spare parts room with his brothers because he did not trust them. Whenever, the man left on a journey the store had to close down. This man’s lack of trust impeded his own business, the prosperity of the family, and strained relations with everyone around him. How would you counsel him to resolve his conflict with his brothers without losing face or business?
Be quick to hear the other person’s point of view. Be slow to respond without thinking first. (Prov. l8:l3, James l:l9.) Select the best time to talk. Do not be in a hurry to get your way. Meet with the person where you can speak without interruptions. Meet where you will not be overheard by others. (I Cor. 13:4) Clarify one anothers’ goals so that both of you know what is the most important thing God would like to accomplished.
Illustration: For instance, a wife may want money to buy a new clothe rapper, but the husband may refuse to give her any money because he thinks the wife spends her money unwisely. Eventually, the wife may resort to stealing money from the husband to afford the clothes she feels she is entitled to. As a result the husband suspects the wife of cheating on him in all areas of life so he takes a second wife. How would you counsel both the husband and wife in this case? Both the husband and wife should decide how they will budget their money. Both should know where the money is going and it will not be spent on less than necessary items. Psa 37:3-7 says,
"Commit your ways to the Lord and your thoughts will then become agreeable to His thoughts." (Psa 37:3?5) Who then can argue with God?
Point out what are the root issues behind the conflicts. Ask yourself, "What actions on the part of the other person is inappropriate to scripture and culture?" What are the main issues of disagreement and which minor ones are only extraneous matters? (John 15:5?7)
Be willing to admit your own contribution to the problem. James 5:l6?l8 says
"Confess your sins to one another and you will be healed." People will open up to you when you are willing to share responsibilities for the disagreement. It takes at least two to make an argument.
Try not to blame, ridicule, or criticize a person directly, but address the issue at hand. Instead of saying. "You are all wrong on this issue of ordination," say, "Would you think that the issue of ordination could be reconsidered." Putting things in the form of questions rather than declarative statements sounds much less threatening.
Do not compare the actions of one man with another man. Paul calls those who do such things as men who do not have understanding. (II Cor. l0:l2) "When they measure themselves with one another they are without understanding." (II Cor. 10:12)
Do not try to drag up past mistakes as Paul reminds us in Phil. 3:8?l4, "Forgetting those things which lie behind and reaching forward to that which lies ahead, I press toward the upright calling that is in Christ Jesus my Lord."
Try addressing just one issue at a time. Do not try to solve all your problems at once. It tends to compound and complicate matters for another person mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Do not bring up old grievances, past mistakes, or external issues unrelated to the main issue. (Phil.3:14) Address the other person without anger in your voice, face, or gestures. (Prov. l5:l)
"A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath."
Let the other person express his feelings and opinions before you share all your feelings and opinions. (Phil. 2:3,4) Suggest several possible causes, effects, and solutions to the issues at hand. Resist the temptation to be dogmatic about your own opinions and ideas. Remember everyman’s ways are right in his own mind. (Prov. l4:l2)
Ask the Lord to help you settle your differences with a mutually agreeable solutions. Do not expect to get your way all the time.
Concentrate on what you are responsible for. Do not wait to act until another initiates the first movements. (Matt l8)
Consider that pride is what leads many of us to arguments. Learn to be humble and take advice from others and enjoy the wisdom. (Prov. l3:l0) "If you refuse criticism from others your life will end in poverty and disgrace, but if you accept criticism you are on the road to fame." (Prov. l3:l8)
"A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But, if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance." (Prov. 28:l3) Realize that many conflicts take time to solve. Be willing to work through the issues over several months or years.
I Thes. 5:14, l5 says, "And we urge you, brothers, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else."
Example Few people seem to realize that different people are motivated by different things. One coach recognized that some of his players were introverts and some were extroverts. When the introverts needed motivation, he would take them aside, put his arm around their shoulders and said, "I believe your potential is great. I am in support of your efforts 100% of the way."
To some of his more unruly extroverts the coach would say things like. "What is wrong with you, are you not thinking, working, and concentrating? If you cannot play any better than that you will find yourself sitting on the sidelines for the rest of the season!!!"
During the two championship cup matches, the coach found his team down at half time. In both matches he approached the introvertish striker about his lackluster play with a mild, fatherly manner. However, with the extrovert, he told him in no uncertain terms the consequences of not playing up to his potential. Both methods worked. Both boys scored the winning goals in the two respective matches. All because the coach understood some simple principles of human differences of motivation.
Remember that love is patient, most people consider that the biggest reason for conflicts is many people do not have enough patience. The Hausa proverb says, "Maihakuri yakan dafan dutse, har ya sha romo". Which when translated roughly means:
"The man who has enough patience will be able to cook a rock and get a stew from it. Meaning that the one who is patient enough will be able to get something from practically nothing"!!!
Case Study - Just today, one of my students told me about a woman in his church that he was counseling. Since the husband spends little time at home with her and the children, she feels used, rejected, and taken for granted. Frustrated with her husband’s lack of patience, she had decided to retaliate. Whenever, her husband approach her for sexual relations she insists that she is not feeling fine. For months this has created terrible tension in the marriage.
Then when that excuse wore off the woman told her husband, "If you want to have sex with me, you are going to have to pay the money for the children’s school fees first. This so angered the husband that he decided to try his own brand of vengeance on his wife. Finally, the husband announced to his wife, "I have decided to take a second wife who can satisfy me sexually unlike yourself!" This so upset the woman that she became afraid that she would be left out in the cold when the second wife moves in.
IV. HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIRECTIONS AND TACTICS IN CONFLICTS
Try to integrate some of the following tactics into your counseling people dealing with conflicts:
a). Postponement or putting off the task of addressing the real root issues giving time for emotional to cool off.
b). Resorting to policies or formal rules which subvert the real human issues of love, compassion, and sensitivity to others feelings. Policies can be good if presented with a combination of love, liberty, and law?abiding attitudes.
c). Giving the other person ideas about where you stand on the issues ahead of time. Do not expect people to read your mind about your assumptions and then holding grudges needlessly. Realize that every individual is uniquely given different gifts, abilities, energy levels, cultural perspectives, philosophies, experiences, and educational insights. Do not expect everyone to agree with you about everything.
d). Do not keep track of other people’s faults. Do not keep a record of others offense. Phil. 3:l3b says, "Forgetting that which lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead." Jesus warned us that unless we would forgive our brother for his sins, that He would not forgive our sins.
e). Do not try to bully or intimidate the other person into doing what you prefer by threatening them. Some people wrongly manipulate others in doing things their ways by use of force, authority, power, or influence. Jesus said, "I am gentle and humble in heart."
f). Do not fail to recognize that a root problem really exists. Ignoring the problem can make us just as guilty as those who refuse to obey the Lord. James 4:l7 says, "Anyone then, who knows the good he ought to do and fails to do it, to him it is sin."
Example - Two women were best of friends until a tragedy struck their families. As they were returning from the market together, they heard a terrible screaming coming from their compound. When they noticed that almost all the children were crying, they feared the worst.
One of the children had lost his finger to a maize grinding machine. Sitting in a pool of blood with a terrified look on his face, the four year old boy cried uncontrollably. Apparently, the son of the second woman failed to properly supervise the little boy of the first woman who lost his finger in the sharp blades of the grinding machine. Quickly, the first woman picked up a knife to kill the second mother. Fortunately, she was stopped by several neighbors, but not before she uttered curses on the woman and her entire family. As weeks went by the woman continued to foster bitterness, anger, and resentment in her heart. The two mothers’ antipathy toward one another quickly spread like a cancer destroying the relationships between the members of the two influential families.
One of the seminary students tried to counsel with both women, but found that neither woman seemed open to reconciliations. Eventually, the local overseer of the entire local church council was asked to call the women together before the incident spread to the entire church membership. How would you go about trying to bring about harmonization of the two women and their families?
Occasionally, certain conflicts cannot be solved in a matter of days. Instead, counselors may have to help people try to reach an agreement to maintain harmony, but at a reasonable distance between the individuals. Several counselors have found that by reaching an agreement to differ on certain issues preserves peace between people even though complete agreement does not seem practical.
In some cases two people may have to allow time to heal their differences as the Holy Spirit is given an opportunity to bring internal healing to occur. One Pastor found that it was best to advise some husbands and wives who fought over money to keep their money in separate accounts.
Realize that some issues are not worth arguing over. Some conflicts do not merit a fight, argument, or open dispute. Learn to overlook faults in others, be tolerant of others immaturity, and pray that the Holy Spirit will work His will and character development in their lives.
"A wise man overlooks anothers faults and he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends." (Prov. 19:11)
Some people wrongly escalate conflicts. Do not call other people names or use labels which categorize people unfairly. One student heard one of his church members refer to his wife in a heated argument, "You are a stupid, hopeless, and fruitless woman because you cannot cook." (Matt. 7:1,2)
Jesus said, "Do not look at the speck in your brothers eye before you remove the log out of your own eye." (Matt. 7:1?3)
Issue expansion means that a counselor will try to not bring up other extraneous matters that are loosely related to the main point of a discussion. Counselors can help people focus on the essentials of a conflict while setting aside the non-essential matters. Some people like to bring in diversionary matters to distract the attention off of the essential issues. One woman became so angry with her husband for coming home late that she said,
"You are a very distrustful man, just like your whole family." This woman tried to expand one issue into a myriad of problems. Instead of sufficiently dealing with one difficulty she added more fuel to the fire. Counselors can help their counselee by teaching them how to address one issue at a time.
Counselors know how to use effective coalition formation to help their counselee solve problems. Teach people how to find other people who can help to clarify, intercede, and mediate conflicts for them. Hopefully, these people are powerful and able to act as mediators to calm the waters. In Matt. 5:9, Jesus said,
"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God." Counselors can help their counselee by teaching them not to threaten the other person with recrimination or future retaliations. Rom l2:19 says, "Do not take your own vengeance, but leave room for the wrath of God."
One of the most difficult tasks of a counselor is to teach his counselee not to judge others unfairly. A discerning person learns how to avoid personally attacking the character of any individual. Paul said in Rom.12:4 says, "Who are you to judge someone else’s servant. To his own master he stands or falls. And the Lord is able to make him stand."
Example ? One man was known for his public character assassinations of others. He took pleasure in ridiculing other in public with his sharp wit. Even though the man was highly educated, respected in the academic circles, few trusted him because of his piercing attacks on anyone with a critical tongue. In this man’s efforts to
"Speak the truth" (as he perceived it) many people were offended, hurt, and discouraged from giving their best whenever this man was in the fellowship. The sad part of this story is that up to this day, this Pastor is not even aware that he is hurting other people with his words, actions, and non-verbal avoidance tactics!
Try to reduce the conflict to manageable levels. Fractionation means to break the conflict into smaller issues and dealing with these one at a time. Again this demands patience. Matt. 5:25 says, "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison."
Wise counselors learn how to start with relation building questions. Developing a rapport with the counselee is essential for establishing an atmosphere of trust. Learn to ask the person about how they think or feel about a completely neutral situation. This helps you gain the advantage of seeing things from another’s viewpoint and they get to ventilate their feelings.
Try to help the counselee share their perspectives without fear of corrections. Help the counselee to not get angry if all of their ideas are not accepted. Help them to differentiate between rejection of them and just some of their ideas.
Help your counselee recognize that most of the time we have to compromise with others so they we can have a mutual feeling of interdependence. Good managers of conflict learn how to resist the temptation to criticize, attack, subvert, or get emotional so you can get your way unreasonably. (Rom. l2:7?21) Collins, pp. 245?249)
Example - Several years ago a man was given a huge sum of money to manage a large farm. Along with money for hiring workers, the manager received a tractor, pesticides, and all the fertilizer necessary for a bumper crop. When it came time for harvesting, the laborers enjoyed a certain percentage of the crop along with their wages, feeding, and accommodations. Everyone went home happy.
However, during the second planting season, the manager thought he would pay the workers as before, but require them to take care of their own feeding and accommodation fees. All went well until it came time for harvesting. The workers approached the manager and said, "We would like to receive financial compensation for the money we spent on our accommodations and feeding as last year. Inflation has halved the value of our money from last year and everything is more expensive. Unless we get what we deserve, we will refuse to help you bring in the harvest of crops!"
Since, the farm was so large, the manager was stuck without anyone to help him harvest the crop. He had already spent the money for the workers feeding and accommodations on another project. Most of the crops were eaten by insects or stolen by thieves in the mean time. The owner sacked the manager for his irresponsibility. Everyone suffered from one man’s greed. How would you attempt to counsel all of the parties involved in this complex problem?
Begin by integrating some of following five suggestion:
1). Break the problem into smaller issues. The manager’s contracts with the workers. The owner’s lack of supervision with his manager. The workers inability to clarify the terms of their labor before they began to work.
2). Begin by asking each party what they think about the situation and how they plan to resolve the conflict as Jesus would or as the scriptures would advise.
3). State what you believe the godly man would do in each situation; first from the owner’s perspective and responsibilities toward the manager; second from the manager’s perspective towards the owner and the workers; finally from the worker’s perspectives and their responsibilities toward the manager and the owner.
4). Suggest several resolution steps where everyone can save face as much as possible. Offer compromising alternatives for each party to receive some measure of dignity and provisions.
5). Encourage everyone to look at the matter objectively without criticizing, becoming bitter, or trying to seek revenge. Help each party to understand the similar experiences that Christ faced in His father’s vineyards while he was on earth.
A BIBLICAL CASE STUDIES IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION
1. In Luke 12:13?15 says, Jesus was approached by a man whose simple request was, "Teacher, tell my brother to divide the family inheritance with me." Jesus turned to the individual and said, "Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you? Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."
Notice that Jesus refused to enter into the conflict unnecessarily. We should also learn to avoid conflicts that are not our business. Jesus saw the importance in not getting entangled in civilian affairs so that He could concentrate on His priorities. When necessary Jesus would resolve conflicts by recognizing human, political, and legal norms and laws. He might refer us to his statement about the coin, "Render to Caesar that which is Caesar’s and to God that which is God’s." (Lk.20:25)
Luke writes in Acts 15:39, "They had such a sharp disagreement (Paul and Barnabas) that they parted company." Later Paul wrote Timothy asking for John Mark to be sent to him for he was useful to him in II Timothy. No doubt Paul was convicted by his own words to the Philippians when he wrote in Phil. 2:2 ? "Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, united in spirit intent on one purpose, striving together for the faith of the gospel." Paul later realized the usefulness of John Mark perhaps through his own maturing and healing and forgiveness.
Example ? Even though you may not be able to reconcile yourself with another immediately, prayer, time, and appreciation for other’s cultural perspective will heal most conflicts. One man named Isaac fought with his neighbor for years over a goat that apparently had gotten killed by a passing truck. Barnabas was looking after the animal in the Isaac’s absence. After several years of anger and bitterness toward one another, Barnabas, the younger man, heard a sermon about conflict resolution and decided to try to reconcile matters. He went to the man’s house and expressed his regret over the unfortunate incident. He asked Isaac, "Is there anything I could do to make the matter right between us? Isaac said, "Yes you can buy me another goat." The man said, "Even though I do not have enough money to buy a goat I will work in your farm this rainy season for free. I want to do what I can to allow us to be friends again. Your friendship means a great deal to me! In fact you are far more important to me than any goat." When the Isaac saw the Barnabas working for the first three days in his fields, he came out weeping expressing his regret that he had gotten angry. Today they are best of friends!!
Conclusion ? There are many ways to address conflicts that come our way. We must learn to fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith. For the joy that was set before Him, Christ endured the cross despising the shame and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Heb. l2:1,2)
We must remember that different situations call for different approaches to our conflicts.
1). Recognize your root differences.
2). Be quick to hear the other person’s point of view. Be slow to respond before thinking first.
3). Clarify one anothers’ goals so that you know what is the most important thing you would like to achieve.
4). Point out what are the root issues behind the conflicts.
5). Be willing to admit your own contribution to the problem.
6). Try not to blame, ridicule, or criticize a person directly, but address the issue at hand. (James l:l9)
"But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger."
Many of the ideas for the lesson have been adapted from Gary Collin’s Christian Counseling Manual.
Study Questions
1. What are some of the causes, factors, and sources of conflicts between people?
2. How should we seek to resolve conflicts?
3. How should we recognize different tactics in dealing with conflicts between people?
4. Why is it important to recognize the root cause behind conflicts between people?
