Evangelical Formosan Church of Alhambra
Malachi 4:6
Opening
Today I would like to speak on the topic of fathers and their children. I haven’t been a father for very long, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject. But I have learned from many godly men who have been fathers for many, many years. And I know exactly what it feels like to be the child of a father - especially a child raised in America by parents who were raised in Taiwan.
Let’s commit this time to the Lord in prayer.
(Prayer)
Introduction
Psychologists say that there are five major points in a man’s life. The first point is when a man turns 21, and he begins to ask himself the question of ‘What makes a man?’, or ‘What does it mean to be a man?’. The second point in a man’s life is when he gets married, and he asks the question of ‘How does a husband treat a wife?’, or ‘What does it take to be a husband?’. The third point in a man’s life is when he first becomes a father, and he asks the question of ‘What does it mean to be a father?’. The fourth point in a man’s life is when his own father passes away, and he is faced with the finality of the situation. If he had a good relationship with his father, than it’s great. But if he did not have a good relationship with his father, then there is nothing he can do about it. The fifth point is when a man faces mid-life.
I myself experienced the third point about five months ago. I have often thought about how I should be a father, or what a father should look like. One evening, I was at home with my baby son. He was only about a month old, so he slept a lot. He was sleeping on our bed with his face to one side, and I was lying on my stomach next to him, with my face turned towards him.
As I looked into his sleeping face, I started thinking about what it means to be a father, and images of my own father came into my mind: father sitting in front of the television, father pacing in the living room of hallway, father sitting at the dinner table and eating, father sitting in the car - driving us somewhere. As I thought about these images, one common theme came into my mind - that my father was always silent. He was very busy, and very often would not be able to be around us physically. But even when he was present physically, he always seemed to be very distant.
As I lay there, I started to feel a warm tickling sensation on my face. I then realized that the sensation were my tears. I was weeping for the distance that always seemed to separate my father and I - grieving the lack of an emotional connection with him. Is my father a bad person? No. He was a generally a good person. He was a Christian, and even a deacon at my church. But we just weren’t very close.
But this is not an unusual situation. I have been to many different churches in many different areas. Among the Asian families I have had contact with, it is a very common thing for children raised in the United States to feel distant towards their fathers who were raised overseas. Many of the parents of the teenagers in my church would tell me the same thing. It is an extremely rare thing to see a father who was raised overseas to have a close relationship, an emotional bond with children raised in the United States - especially during the teenage years and beyond.
If you are raised in the United States, do you feel emotionally distant towards your father? Does he seem absent? Does he seem distant, or emotionally unavailable? Does he seem judgmental, critical, with high expectations? Maybe there is some bitterness in your heart.
If you were raised overseas, do you feel emotionally distant towards your children? Do they seem ungrateful to you? Do they seem unresponsive to you? Do they seem rebellious?
What should we do?
(Turn to Malachi chapter 4.)
Exposition of Malachi chapter 4
Malachi was the last of the Old Testament Prophets. He lived after the Babylonian captivity, after the temple had been rebuilt and worship restored. But he found the people to be backsliding again. Through this prophet, God calls His people to repent and to come back to Him - or else he will intervene again.
But you might ask, ‘what does this have to do with fathers and their children?’. Please be patient and let me explain, and then you will understand the connection.
Chapter 4 is a prophecy concerning the coming of the Messiah. There are some terms in this chapter that I would need to explain. The ‘day of the Lord’ is a prophecy concerning the coming of the Messiah. The ‘prophet Elijah’ speaks of John the Baptist who ministered ‘In the spirit and p ower of Elijah’.(Luke 1:17) Elijah’s ministry was a ministry of repentance, and in the same way, John the Baptist proclaimed a ministry of repentance in anticipation of the Messiah. But what I want you to see is this - what does repentance entail? - what does this repentance look like?
(Read Malachi 4:1)
What this is saying is that at the coming of the Messiah, the wicked shall be judged. But what about those who are righteous?
(Read Malachi 4:2-3)
What these verses are saying is that those who are righteous will be blessed. The glory of God will be like the sun, and those who are righteous will be released from their bondage and sins.
And then he exhorts the people:
(Read Malachi 4:4)
Then the prophet proclaims the coming of the Messiah.
(Read Malachi 4:5)
The Lord will send a prophet in the spirit of Elijah, to proclaim a ministry of repentance in preparation for the coming of the Messiah. But what does this repentance entail? What does this repentance look like?
(Read Malachi 4:6)
If the Israel does not repent, if the hearts of the fathers are not turned to their children, if the hearts of the children are not turned to their fathers, then God will judge Israel, and they will be destroyed.
God speaks of repentance as fathers turning their hearts towards their children, and children turning their hearts towards their fathers. Why were the Israelites unfaithful time and time again? How could they forget so quickly, and turn to other idols again and again? It is because of the broken connections between the generations, because of broken connections between fathers and their children.
The family is the most important factor in passing down godly values from one generation to the next. It is the father, the spiritual leader of the family who should teach the children, and develop their spiritual growth.
A major part of repentance is the healing of that family - a healing of that broken connection, to turn the hearts of fathers back to their children, and to turn the hearts of children back to their fathers.
Matthew 5:23-24 ‘...if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.’
As Christians, we often think of repentance as reconnecting a broken relationship between God and ourselves. Repentance is more than just our personal relationship with God, it is also our relationship with other people, and most importantly with our family.
It is God’s heart, desire, and will for fathers to be emotionally connected with their children, and for children to be emotionally connected with their fathers.
Application
You might say, ‘I know nothing I do will ever change my father...’, or ‘Well, my father is not even a Christian...’, or ‘My children are so disrespectful and rebellious, they won’t listen to me...’. Don’t worry about what the other person ought to do. What should you do?
If you are a father, let us turn our hearts towards our children. If you are the children, let us turn our hearts towards our fathers.
This is not easy to do - especially for parents who are raised overseas with children who are raised in the United States. For the most part, it’s not that they don’t want to - but that they don’t know how. Or that they have tried for so long, and there is no response - so they give up. Oftentimes there are two different generations living in two different cultures - with two different languages of love. They try to connect, and they miss each other.
For the father who was raised overseas tries to show love in his language - so he works overtime, buys an expensive house in a good school district, gives them piano lessons, violin lessons, gives them expensive tutors and classes for SAT, pushes for good grades, pushes them to be better by comparing them to others who are better - hoping to motivate them to be better. He may be affectionate with them when they were little kids, but after 7 or 8 years old, he would never touch them again, because of his culture.
For the children who are raised here in America, they want their fathers to love them by spending time with them, talk with them, share with them, be their friend, to hug them and play with them, to tell them ‘I love you.’, to motivate them by encouraging them, to tell them ‘I’m proud of you.’
As fathers, let us work at connecting with our children. Let’s try to show love in their language. Let’s spend time with them and find activities we can do together. In the American culture, time = love. Lets be involved in their lives, talk with them and be their friend. I know that for those of you who were raised overseas, it is a difficult thing to do. Fathers are not supposed to be the friends of their children. A direct quote from Confucius states: ‘You cannot be your son’s friend and correct his behavior.’ But this is not correct. Abraham was called a ‘friend of God’, and yet God still disciplines him. The Bible teaches that when we become believers, we become friends of God. And as a heavenly Father, God also disciplines us because He loves us. Fathers, let’s be friends of our children. Lets be actively involved in their spiritual lives. I have spoken to some teens who have told me that apart from praying before meals, that they never hear the word ‘God’ or ‘Jesus’ spoken in their homes. And their parents are on the deacon board of their church. As fathers, when was the last time we said anything spiritual to our children? Let’s be actively involved in their spiritual lives. Lets tell them we love them with a hug, or a pat on the back. Many Asian fathers are afraid of verbally affirming their children. They are afraid that they would become ‘spoiled’ or ‘complacent’ if they ever compliment their children on something. But God the Father shows us how we should affirm our children - especially in front of others. When Jesus was baptized, God the Father spoke verbally so that all could hear, ‘This is my Son, in whom I am well pleased.’ Lets tell our children we love them by saying ‘I love you.’, or ‘I’m proud of you.’ - especially in front of others.
And for the children, let’s work at connecting with our fathers and our mothers as well - to show them love, and to respond to the way they love us. Have we ever thanked our parents for working so hard? Have we every thanked them for providing everything for us - the nice house, good school district, piano lessons, art lessons, SAT classes... I now know that my parents did these things because they loved me, not because they wanted to torture me. Let’s thank our parents for working so hard for us. Lets take the initiative in spending time with our parents - find activities to do. Lets take the initiative, and tell our parents, ‘I love you.’ Give your dad a hug. It may be like hugging a telephone pole, but it expresses a lot. And they may start to understand how you express you love for them. If he’s not around, send him a note, or send him a picture. Tell him how you feel about him. If he’s not a Christian, then pray for his salvation, and tell him how much Jesus means to you.
Closing Illustration
I won’t tell you that it’s easy to reconnect with my father. We still have a lot of struggles, and I still don’t feel as close to him as we should be. But I remember one time when I was a junior in college - my father was going on a business trip to Taiwan, and I was driving him to the airport. As usual, we didn’t speak much the entire way. I went with him to check in his luggage, and walked with him to the gate. When it was time for him to leave, I turned to him and said, ‘O.k., bye dad.’. Then he suddenly grabbed me and planted a kiss on my cheek. Then he turned quickly away and rushed into the gate into his plane. I was startled and embarrassed for my father to kiss me as a grown man in front of all these people. Yet as I walked away I realized that my father loved me, and that he was trying to show me that he loved me in my language. Although it was awkward and not really what I wanted, I was comforted by the fact that he does love me, and that he is trying.
Let’s not give up. Let’s all keep trying. Fathers, let’s turn our hearts toward our children. And children, let’s turn our hearts toward our fathers.
