Keys to Effective Interpersonal Relationships
In Evangelism and Church Planting
Learning Objectives
1. The students will explain what we can learn from Moses about accepting ourselves as God has made us.
2. The students will explain what Romans 14:15 teaches us about accepting ourselves and others.
3. The students will write a short paper on how good interpersonal and cross-cultural relationships are developed.
Introduction - Many missionaries struggle more with relating to other people than knowing what to preach from the Bible. Sometimes, relations become so difficult that missionaries must leave their fields, return to their homes, and go back to farming. There is a story of one missionary family who got in a big fight with the people in a village that he was forced to pack his bags.
Apparently, the missionary preferred eating food from his own area rather than locally grown food. At first this did not bother the indigents, until one day when the missionary was offered food by the people. Even though the evangelist graciously declined the people’s kind generosity, the people felt offended. Rumors began to spread throughout the village, that the missionary thought he was too good to eat the food of the local people. Naturally, the people became so angry with the missionary that they quit attending his prayer meetings, only a few children would turn up for his Bible studies, and hardly anyone would listen to him preach the gospel any longer.
Finally, after, several months, the local supervisor advised the missionary to eat the local foods of the people, even if it meant he could get sick. When the missionary started to eat the foods of the people, a wonderful thing happened. The people started to attend his prayer meetings again, everyone seemed to have a renewed interest in his Bible studies, and for the first time, several people received Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord!
The Lord even protected him from illness. The message had not changed, the meetings did not change, but the missionary’s methods of inter-personal relations had changed!
Let us asked the Lord for wisdom in discovering the keys to effective inter-personal relationships!
I. Begin By Accepting Yourself As God Has Made You!
A. Moses had to be taught to accept himself. Ex. 2-4
1). Moses had to learn that he was important because God made him and He would be with Moses. (Ex. 3:11)
2). Moses had to learn not to doubt God’s abilities to help him accomplish His will. (Ex. 3:12)
3). Moses had to learn that the Lord would lead him to success because it would bring great glory to God. (Ex. 3:12)
4). Moses had to learn confidence in God, in himself, and in God’s will despite the criticisms, rejections, or scorn from his enemies. (Ex. 3:13)
5). Moses could go with authority, power, and assurance of support because the great ``I Am’’ had sent him. (Ex. 3:14)
6). Moses learned to be content with the way God made him.
7). Moses learned that his competence came from God not from himself. (Ex. 4:11)
8). Moses learned that God’s blessing were sufficient for him. (II Cor. 12:9,10)
9). Moses learned that the battle was the Lord’s not his. (I Sam. 17:47)
B. New Testament Christians must learn that they are given the power to do everything God asks them to do with the help of Christ who gives them the strength and power. (Phil. 4:13)
C. Missionaries must realize that their own prejudices may hinder the reception of the gospel.
D. Missionaries must remember that the Lord loves them unconditionally whether they have immediate success or not.
E. Missionaries must remember that God loves us as much as He loves Christ. (John 17:26)
F. Missionaries can take confidence in the fact that even though our earthly father might have disciplined us out of anger, God always does it in love. (Heb. 12:7-12)
G. Missionaries can rest assured that God knows every part of us even before we were born and yet He still loves us perfectly. (Psa. 139:15,16)
H. Missionaries can take great pride in the fact that we are His workmanship created in Christ! (Eph. 2:10) God does make any counterfeits or defective creatures.
I. Missionaries should not look at hardships as difficulties in life that have not been allowed without the approval of God. James 1:12-19 tells us to accept our temptations, sufferings, and hardships. God allows difficulties to come into our life so that we will become more like Christ. Everything God does is for our good!
Example - One woman was named ``worthless things’’ by her parents so that the evil spirits would not pay any attention to her as her sister before had died. As a result the girl learned to be shy, withdrawn, and prone to argue with other children. When the girl became a Christian, she realized that
``If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation, the old things have past away and all things are made new.’’ (II Cor. 5:17)
After this, the girl changed her name to ``bright praise.’’ Now there is a bright, encouraging, and loving person instead of an angry, resentful,and lonely seminary student!
J. Each missionary must gained an estimate of his own abilities, gifts, and callings. Otherwise, one may tend to believe that God has somehow cheated them out of qualities that other people have. (Rom. 12:3-12)
K. Weaknesses can be viewed as greater opportunities to trust God for His strength. (II Cor. 12:9,10) One man new that he could not preach great sermons. Instead, the man invited people to meet for prayer before they went to their farms in the morning. The result was that the Lord helped the missionary start a church faster than any of the other missionaries in his area. The people accepted him, because the missionary accepted himself with the gifts, weaknesses, and strengths he had been give.
1). Ehud in Judges 3:12-29 had a limitation of being left-handed, but he used it for his advantage to kill the king of Moab.
2). Othiniel in Judges 3:1-7 was a junior brother to Caleb, but he refused to allow his older brother overshadow him. Eventually, through his faithfulness in the little things, God promoted him as a judge over Israel where the people enjoyed peace for 40 years.
3). Shamgar in Judges 3:31 was born in a pagan family, could not read or write, but was used of God to kill 600 Philistines single-handedly. He did not allow the shame of his family background deter him from doing God’s will.
L. Do not allow Satan to condemn you, discourage you, and force you into situations where you are tempted to sin. (I John 2:15,16)
M. Do not criticize others without looking at the log in your own eye first. (Matt. 7:1,2) Many missionaries have hindered their work because of a critical spirit that was caused by their ability to accept their own weaknesses!
N. Do not fear that the will of God will make you do something that you are not capable of doing.
``THE WILL OF GOD WILL NOT LEAD YOU WHERE GRACE OF GOD CANNOT KEEP YOU!’’ (Hudson Taylor - A Famous Missionary to China)
O. Learn to accept yourself as God has accepted you in Christ and you will be able to accept others in Christ. (Rom. 15:7)
II. Learn How to Accept Others As Who God Made Them To Be
A. In Romans 14 & 15, Paul teaches us about accepting others.
B. In these chapters Paul basis our acceptance of others on several factors:
1). God accepts us all equally in Christ. No one is better than any one. No tribe is superior, no culture has the best ways of doing everything. No family has the right to tell another family that they must raise their children in exactly the same way they raise theirs. (Rom. 15:7)
2). God is the one who will ultimately judge each individual. No one else has the right to place ultimate judgment on another person. (Rom. 14:12)
3). No one lives for himself, but we all live for the Lord. (Rom. 14:7)
C. We must learn to respect others cultures, levels of spiritual maturity, and the way God’s Spirit speaks to each individual. We can never determine completely the will of God for another.
D. Christ was hated, rejected, and scorned by men, but He loved them in return. We should learn to follow Christ’s example.
E. When someone offends you, learn to forgive them as Christ has forgiven you. (Eph. 4:28-32)
F. Put away all hatred, anger, malice, slander, envy, and jealousy toward others and replace them with kindness, compassion, humility, forgiveness, bearing with one another. As Christ has acted toward you so act toward others. (Eph. 4:28-32)
G. Do not laugh at others, put them down, refuse to greet them, not listen to them patiently, ignore them, or fail to walk and be seen with him in public!
Example - One missionary lady thought she would show hospitality to her guests. She placed a pot of drinking water out in the sun in front of her house for visitors to drink. She thought she was doing them a favor by providing cool water. Instead, the people thought she was treating them like dogs so they stayed away from her house.
Learn the errors to avoid in each culture and stop these acts!
H. Show respect for people cultures without condemning them for differences.
I. Christ showed respect for people’s cultures when He said,
``Render to Caesar that which is Caesar’s, but render unto God that which is God’s!’’ (Matt. 22:21)
J. When you are accepting another, be able to distinguish the accepting of a person and the persons’ sins. Accept the person, but do not accept the sinful practices of the person!
III. Learning to Accept The People As They See Themselves
A. Learn the normal cultural identities, roles, responsibilities, emotional reactions, and customs of the people you are evangelizing.
B. Respect their culture while preaching Christ. Eventually the people will express Christ like lifestyles in ways that blend in with their cultural identities, roles, responsibilities, and actions!
C. Observe their daily behavior; sit and talk with them about their history, their traditions, and their families.
D. Get to know the chief, the elders, the leaders, and authorities of the village first. Establish in their minds that you are a trustworthy learner first.
E. After you have established your rapport, begin by telling them the stories of Jesus Christ. Show them how Christ would relate to them in their culture.
F. Observe the way their families operate; how they raise their children; how they teach the young men and the young women; how the decisions are made in that area; how a young man becomes a man; how a young girl becomes woman
Example - One missionary couple came to a village to plant a new church. When they arrived they immediately insisted that anyone could join their church as long as they renounced polygamy. This caused an outright rejection of the gospel in that area except for a few young women and children. The missionaries created an unnecessary crisis in husband-wife relationships. They promoted a hardening of the people’s hearts toward Christianity. Furthermore, the church that they started was made up largely of women and children. The missionary’s failed to accept the people as they were. Understand the people, accept them as they are, and ask the Lord to help you love them unconditionally.
Jesus said, ``Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.’’ (Matt. 5:16)
IV. How to Learn the Customs of A New Tribe
A. Learn the local language to help you gain insights into the needs, thoughts, and perspectives of the people. (Acts 21:37)
B. Learn the cultural patterns of the people. For example in Imo State among the Urhobo people, if you shrug your shoulders upon hearing news, that means that you do not care about others problems. But if you snap your fingers and grimace with pain, that shows you really care!
C. Learn the customs of a people - In Tiv land in Benue state if a girl wears red paint on her face it means that she has just given birth to a child. If she is wearing black, it means she has just lost her husband.
D. Learn the proper greetings. In Yoruba land, it is appropriate to greet an elder by prostrating down to the ground before him. However, if you do this in Tiv land, it is considered a sign of weakness, admitting that another man is superior to you!
E. Establish functional equivalents replacements for sinful practices of the people. If some tribes have long parties where they get drunk, commit adultery with others’ wives, and cater to fleshly desires do what one missionary did. He set up Bible camps and celebrations of praise in the church that same week. He conducted sporting activities, games, and prizes for learning verses of scripture.
``Never take anything from a culture without replacing it with something better!’’
F. Once you have learned various customs and behaviors imitate them. This will allow the people to see that you are trying to become part of them through identification.
G. If an objectionable practice is offered to you like drinking palm wine explain that the Bible prohibits you from doing such things. Show them that the Lord has given you a better substitute than getting drunk with wine, by being filled with the Spirit. Learn to graciously refused an offer without offending someone in their culture.
H. Do not live separately from the people. Instead, live among them and let them observe your manner of life. When people see you singing in your family devotions, watch you pray, and read the Bible with your family, they will begin to ask you why you do such things!
I. Do not rush the presenting of the gospel. Let the Spirit of God lead you with the right timing!
J. Respect people’s rights to make group decisions. In some Maguzawa cultures, the individual usually does make a decision on his own. Instead he waits to see what the ``maigida’’ decides for the whole family.
Example - One missionary coaxed a young Maguzawa man to become a Christian without informing his family first. As a result, the maigida (household-head) refused to let anyone go out of his house to hear the missionary. Eventually, the missionary had to leave the area because no one would come out to listen to him preach!
K. Ask the Lord for a friend, a seed family, or a close indigenous man to inform you about the do’s and don’t of their culture.
L. Learn to adopt the dress, life-styles, customs, and cultures, as much as is possible as the people and observe their reactions.
M. Use bridges of information: stories, pictures, films, film-strips, cassettes recordings, tracts. Any form of services to the people will help to form common grounds of communication with them.
N. Realize that different people have different personalities.
1). Some men are drivers (choleric) - These men are like Paul in the Bible who are strong willed, determined, and leaders.
2). Some men are expressives (Sanguine) - These men are like Peter who are quick to speak and act before they think.
3). Some men are analyticals (Melancholies) - These men are like Moses who are careful about every detail and subject to being depressed or overly critical.
4). Some men are amiable (Phlegmatics) - These men are like Abraham who are easy to get along with, but have great fear underneath.
O. Each society has different roles that are usually exhibited:
1). Leaders 2). Elders 3). Consensus takers 4). Historians 5). Farmers, 6). Traders 7). Educators - Teaches 8). Entertainers 9). Wealthy 10). Poor 11). Gossippers 12). Counsellors 13). Religious men 14). Doctors -traditional and modern 15). Critics 16). Compromisers etc.
Learn how to relate to the people in their different roles, responsibilities, and identities!
V. How to Contextualize the Gospel Through InterPersonal Communications
A. Rely on the Holy Spirit, prayer, and the Bible to make lasting changes in the people’s lives. (John 16:13)
B. Think of how the people communicate with each other and use these tools to communicate the gospel. For example, use friendships, prayer meetings, discussions underneath a tree, stories that emphasize the messages of salvation through faith in Christ, similarities of their culture, traditions, and customs with those of Christ’s day etc.
C. Avoid any Christo-paganism (People who say they are Christians, but underneath they are still idol-worshippers at heart) in your relating the gospel to the people by helping them to see that a follower of Christ no longer has to rely on ancestors, traditions, or charms for protection.
D. Learn to appreciate those aspects of a culture that do not violate scripture. Help your people evaluate together the old traditions in light of the new teachings of the scriptures.
E. Do not argue with the people over who is right or who is wrong. Do not preach your denomination, but just share with them in love the truth of Jesus Christ. (Eph. 4:15)
F. Help the people to plant a church which is run by the local leaders; Is supported by the members of the church; is directed by a trained Pastor eventually; is a place where people can find help for their physical, social,emotional, family, educational, and spiritual needs. (Acts 2:41-47 & Luke 2:52)
G. The missionary must not make himself out to be the great father who must be respected, listened to, and honored. (Mk. 10:45)
H. Ask questions of the people to see how much they already understand about the gospel. Remember people may know something but it does not mean that they understand or have applied it to their lives.
I. People learn in this order:
1). Knowledge - They prove this when they can give back to you what you have taught them.
2). Understanding - They show this when they can put the teaching into their own words in explaining it to others.
3). Application - When people put to use what you have taught them.
4). Analysis - When people can break the gospel down into its individual aspects and understand the causes and effects of for instance justification.
5). Synthesis - When a person can delelop a new sermon for his own people based on what he knows. Or he can solve a new problem with the teachings from the scripture.
6). Evaluation - When a person can assess the worth of something based on scriptural criteria for judging the truthfulness of an act. (II Tim. 3:16,17)
J. Find the common ground of people which you find agreement on. For instance, the Bible and most tribes advocate that women be married before they get pregnant, describe why the Bible teaches purity in marriage. (Gen. 2:24,25)
Example - One missionary saw that two villages were fighting with each other. In their traditions, the tribes would bring a child to give to the other village as an annual peace offering. When the missionary learned this tradition, he described how God offered up His only son, Jesus Christ, as a peace child, for the world. Through the sacrifice of His son, God allowed a way for man to no longer be an enemy of God. Now all of mankind could be in fellowship with God, have their sins forgiven, and experience the free gift of eternal life by accepting God’s ``peace child’’ into their lives as their Savior and Lord. After this explanation, both tribes, decided to become Christians.
Study Questions
1. What are some of the most common cross- cultural and interpersonal mistakes made by missionaries?
2. What are some lessons, both positive and negative, we can learn from Moses about accepting ourselves as God does?
3. What can we do to improve our self-image?
4. How can we accept others the way God has made them without expecting them to be like us?
5. How can we learn the customs and culture of a new tribe, people, or community?
6. How should we contextualize the gospel in a community?
7. How can you find common ground with the people in communicating the gospel across cultures?
